I gave Dh the stink eye, now all hell has broken loose.

[Greenfircone]

Have I over reacted?

This morning I admit I was in a mood. I'm a Sahm and do everything to get the kids ready for school. Dh just sorts himself out and goes to work. As its bin day today I put the bag in and asked if if could wheel the bin to the road. He forgot and got in the car. I took it and gave him a hard stare on my way past. (So far so childish!)

Now I would expect any normal person to then say 'sorry I forgot'. Instead if got out of the car with a 'how dare you look at me like that' attitude, stormed into the house and slammed a door in my face then went to work.

I texted telling him I can't put up with his aggressive behavior when facing mild criticism and not to bother coming home until if can see what he's like. He has form for this and I don't want the kids learning to be like this.

WTF now?

[flippinada]

Whatever you say Loopy .

Good post, Isetan.

[Lweji]

Loopy, and others, seem to have a bad case of cherry picking.

For example, you only picked the if in the hypothesis about being in a hurry. It doesn't matter if there was an if. The point is that this hypothesis doesn't make sense because he took time to get out of the car, walk into the house, only give grief to the op (deduced from her complaint about being fed up of him screaming at her) and slam the door in her face.
If I was in such a hurry that I forgot the bins, I would never go back to have a fight.
And all he had to do was get himself ready.

And people keep saying he just slammed a door (now it's a car's???), when the worrying bit is that he went out of his way to have a fight. He didn't just slam the door on his way out, as he was leaving for work. It's the whole getting out of the car and so on. For a look. Who does that? Road ragers, maybe.

Yes, the account was muddled, but there is enough in the OP's posts to suggest that he's not a particularly nice person.
I still don't know why she got that much grief over a look.

[Strumpetron]

I still don't know why she got that much grief over a look

Yet it's perfectly fine to accuse the OP's DH of being abusive for slamming a door.

Posting links to Women's Aid definitions proves nothing, I'm pretty sure you'll also find dirty looks a sign of being abusive too but I don't for one minute think the OP is an abusive partner. From the information we have had so far it seems like a silly outburst in which they both behaved immaturely, until more information is included theres no basis for a lot of the comments that have been chucked around concerning the DP.

[flippinada]

I don't either Lweji.

I've seen this happen before - someone comes on looking for advice and gets flamed to bits over nothing. Horrible.

I think anyone can relate to the odd flare up over a stressful morning but op has said this isn't a one off and yes there's enough to suggest there's more to it than that. I hope she's ok.

[flippinada]

I think the strongest comment made by anyone is that the husband might be abusive and that his behaviour suggests he's not a very nice person.

[ghostonthecanvas]

Don't we communicate using facial expressions? Why is the op getting such a hard time? I know lots of people who use facial expressions to convey exactly what they are thinking. I don't know anyone who gets out of their car and storms back to the house just to slam a door.

[flippinada]

A direct quote from the op: "It is his disproportionate rage for the smallest criticism that has worn me down"

I think it's pretty clear from that there is more to it than a one off over-reaction.

[Strumpetron]

I think a 'shitty parter' is quite a strong comment, and a lot of posts trying to imply he's abusive, aggressive, a threat to her and the children.. being painted in a very negative light on the basis of very little.

[Loopyloulu]

Lwegi I don't know how you work that one out about the comings and goings and the door slammings. There's some very dodgy detective work going on here- glad you aren't in the Met!

If he was in the car, and he slammed a door in her face, how do you know it wasn't the car door- which he may have opened to talk to her?

If he left the car to go into the house, and shut the door in her face, then where was she? Was she coming into the house behind him up the drive? Or was she already in the house, he came in for something, and then he closed the door- with her still inside the house but near the front door?

Closing the door in someones face requires them to be on either side of the door. She didn't say he went back inside. If he did, she'd have had to go inside before him and be following him out of the front door-otherwise none of it is physically possible.

[flippinada]

Did you have a look at that quote there from the op Strumpetron?

Maybe I should have highlighted the "disproportionate rage" bit.

[flippinada]

The op states it in the first post Loopy. Brackets are mine)

"if(this will mean he - it's a common auto correct if you're using a phone or ipad) got out of the car with a 'how dare you look at me like that' attitude, stormed into the house and slammed a door in my face then went to work.
"

[Strumpetron]

Actually no, I did read that at the beginning and still felt she was talking about this incident, obviously I am very happy to be proven wrong if the OP would like to discuss further, and get some advice from people.

One thing I don't do in relationships is put words into people's mouths, and I don't create my own backstory when I read events. Because I think that can have very negative results. I wait until more is given so we can get a fuller view and actually make comments based on fact rather than what we imagine to be the case.

[flippinada]

Oh. I don't see how she could be much clearer. It's not the sort of comment you would make about a one off, out of character incident is it?

[Joysmum]

Bugger, reading this I've just realised that actually my marriage isn't happy at all and that I'm abusive, aggressive and bullying towards my husband. Poor man must be too scared if me to divorce me because I'm wielding my power over him

...or else we might just have the occasional row and get frustrated and react.

There are a hell of a lot of details missing from this situation which would clarify whether this incident is the latest in a long line of issues in an abusive relationship, whether it's just a relationship that's limping on and both parties have lost their respect for one another, or whether it's just a disagreement.

Given my history, I think it's the latter. If someone has been a victim of domestic physical or mentally abusive relationship might think that this could be the start of domestic violence. The numerous people in loveless relationships that stay together anyway may see this as being the case.

Nobody knows.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

I don't think I am too way out when I suggest that someone who (in the OP's words) "uses disproportionate rage at the smallest criticism to wear her down" is a shitty partner.

I would consider it shitty. If anyone doesn't, I would wonder about what you are accepting in your own relationships.

[Mrscropper]

Ahole - But slamming a door is? Really?!

I don't recall saying it was?

My posts are intended for the OP to offer my support, not to gain support for my own personal opinions. Opinions are like arseholes, we all have one, some just stink more than others. If people think my opinions stink that's fine, they're mine and I make no apologies for them.

[Loopyloulu]

But how can you possibly decide or know what anyone else means by 'disproportionate' rage or anything to do with behaviour? It's subjective.

She already said she was 'in a mood'. Maybe he is fed up to the back teeth of her' moods'. We don't know do we?

[flippinada]

No, I think it's quite clear what disproportionate rage means.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Loopy, then we might as well shut up the Relationships topic for good and just put a sticky up

"We will not support you because we haven't heard the other side of the story."

[cloudskitchen]

"I gave dh the stink eye, now all hell has broken loose" well that was a self fulfilling prophecy...!

[ItsNotATest]

I frequently forget to put the bin out, even when I remembered 10 mins before. Mornings are not my strong point.

Fortunately I live on my own and don't need to contend with stink eyes.

[Granville72]

They sound about as bad as one another and maybe mornings aren't either of their strong point.

Both need to apologise, all seems a little over reaction.

And put the bins out the night before. Problem solved.

[Twinklestein]

If the OP had consisted of the following, I highly suspect (well, I hope) many of the unintelligent posts on this thread would not have been made:

I can't put up with aggressive behavior when facing mild criticism and not to bother coming home until he can see what he's like. He has form for this and I don't want the kids learning to be like this.

It is his disproportionate rage for the smallest criticism that has worn me down.

I have been biting my tongue over everything.

I don't want to fear rage from him for me or dcs when he shouts.

This thread is not about bins. It's not about an over-reaction on the part of the OP. It's about a husband with a patterns of disproportionate rage & aggressive behaviour which has 'worn down' the OP to the point that she is concerned that her children will pick up his behaviour.

[Ahole]

I agree with everything loopyLouLou said.

[Granville72]

I think we've all gathered it's not about the damn bins but about moods and attitudes and the kids seeing it.

They both sound as bad as one another, both sulky and moody and prone to irrational outbursts. She doesn't want the kids to see how the dad behaves but she seems to be just as bad. She already admitted she was in a mood that morning before he even forgot about the bin, but she happily stormed out there giving the evil eye all over a blinking dustbin.

He's probably just as fed up as she is. They either work it through for the sake of the kids, or go their separate ways, also for the sake of the kids.