I gave Dh the stink eye, now all hell has broken loose.

[Greenfircone]

Have I over reacted?

This morning I admit I was in a mood. I'm a Sahm and do everything to get the kids ready for school. Dh just sorts himself out and goes to work. As its bin day today I put the bag in and asked if if could wheel the bin to the road. He forgot and got in the car. I took it and gave him a hard stare on my way past. (So far so childish!)

Now I would expect any normal person to then say 'sorry I forgot'. Instead if got out of the car with a 'how dare you look at me like that' attitude, stormed into the house and slammed a door in my face then went to work.

I texted telling him I can't put up with his aggressive behavior when facing mild criticism and not to bother coming home until if can see what he's like. He has form for this and I don't want the kids learning to be like this.

WTF now?

[Loopyloulu]

Yama have a halo. You are obviously perfect.

Maybe the OP isn't coming back because she now realises it was the storm in the teacup she hinted at right from the start?

I don't know how an episode of door slamming when someone is in a hurry to get to work and has been annoyed by his DW who admits she was 'in a mood' and gave him a 'look' translates into almost telling her to call Women's Aid or Victim Support.

If it's all that terrible why didn't she post about his violet outbursts etc as a thread in itself- and not just about the bin?

Me and DH forget to do things all the time. I go shopping and forget what we need sometimes. He forgets to do things all the time. I get cross, he gets cross. It's no big deal.

He's not a violent man so I'm not worried.

But neither do I text him and tell him not to come until I can see what he's like ( if that's what she meant- there are so many typos I can't quite follow all the post.)

Stop filling in the bloody gaps with your own ideas as if they are the truth,and wait for the OP to come back if she wants to. And Relationships posts are not always supportive of the OP- if anyone thinks that they clearly don't spend much time reading the forum.

[Twinklestein]

'Filling in the gaps with your own ideas' is exactly what you've done Loopy. I hope the OP feels that there are enough people on the thread who 'get it', to ignore the minimisers and come back if she feels like it.

[tingle1]

Im sure op is living her life, whilst we all ferventley discuss her day to day living.

[flippinada]

OP, I know where you're coming from and so do others on here Cogito has it right I think.

Ignore the naysayers. There's support here if you need it.

[Anomaly]

I can't believe some of the posts on this thread. Op please post again. Start another thread if you dont want to come back to this one. I think you could do with some help and support.

[Mrscropper]

Hi OP, I hope things are ok with you and hopefully you've managed to have a chat with DH and rectified things and dealing with his anger/rage issues. If 'giving the stink eye', 'glaring' or 'giving a dirt look' was an imprisonment offence I feel I may have be doing 'time' over the years.

I'm far from perfect and neither is my DH, he frustrates, upsets and angers me over his inability to talk about serious/meaningful things and I often felt unloved, neglected, unimportant etc and beneath his own interests. I may get tired of trying to discuss things because I feel it will fall on deaf ears or I don't want it to escalate into an argument without a solution but I would never fear saying something because of his rage, DH doesn't scare me.

I would also be classed as passive aggressive I guess. I have given the stink eye to my DH over the years, DH would just have just given me a cheesy grin and ask what he'd done while laughing. It was never a biggy. I have given the stink eye to my DC's if I felt they where acting out of turn and weren't beside me to speak immediately to them. They knew mum was cross about something and would come over or realise they where acting out of turn and stop what they where doing. If a driver dangerously pulled out on me, I would beep my horn to acknowledge my anger or shake my head at them if they where in my view. I don't feel any would justify having something slammed in my face!

I do feel you've been harshly treated on here and maybe you've set up a new ID, you're reading but afraid to post again, you've gone back to living the way things are or you've sorted out your differences with DH and living happy ever after. It's your life and you can live it as you see fit, nobody else can live it for you.

I don't know anyone on here in RL, I'm not a member of any group or clique, I don't post to provoke or to gain friends, credibility etc etc. My posts are from the heart and I always try to empathise. If you feel you need someone to talk to you are more than welcome to private message me. I can't promise to have all the answers or be able to 'fix' anything but I'm willing to listen without judgement if that's what you need x

[flippinada]

Excellent post mrsc

[Loopyloulu]

Twinkle glad you were bright enough to spot that I too was filling in the gaps.

Correct.
I was.

Why? because I was showing that there are always 2 sides ( if you had bothered to read my whole post where I said this) so we simply don't know what is going on.

It's all conjecture.

All said and done I cannot believe that so many women get their knickers in a twist about a slammed door.

Christ almighty- I have a friend whose DH and her throw radios across the room at each other. They love each other- they just have short tempers.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

OP I hope things are OK with you today. If you wanted to tell a bit more of the back-story of your relationship, maybe that would set the 'stink-eye' incident in context. Unhappy relationships are often characterised by frequent, seemingly trivial events that add up to a corrosive pattern. When that pattern includes rage and fear, when one party feels they are walking on eggshells in case they enrage the other, then it becomes a bullying relationship and it is a really miserable way to live.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I cannot believe that so many women get their knickers in a twist about a slammed door."

A slammed door, like a deliberately smashed plate or hurled radio, is a violent act. Where there is already an equality or any suggestion of bullying, the person being destructive is showing how they are just one-removed from attacking the person. Intimidation, in other words. The OP said at the outset that he 'had form' for meeting mild criticism with aggressive behaviour. It is not unreasonable conjecture or 'knickers in a twist' to take from that that there is a pattern of similar examples.

[Loopyloulu]

A slammed door, like a deliberately smashed plate or hurled radio, is a violent act. Where there is already an equality or any suggestion of bullying, the person being destructive is showing how they are just one-removed from attacking the person.

Don't you mean inequality?

Cog- usually you post quite reasoned advice. On this occasion I think you are jumping the gun. There is no evidence either here or in RL that these behaviours are one step away from attacking someone.

How do you make that connection - other than in your imagination? it's a rather provocative and dramatic statement, intended I'd say to raise the level of this post to something else.

Couples all have differing levels of 'acceptable' behaviour and how they react when they are annoyed. Acts of violence as you like to call them need not lead to physical attacks and you ought to think hard before saying things like that as if they are a fact.

[Lweji]

I have a friend whose DH and her throw radios across the room at each other. They love each other- they just have short tempers.

Great example.
One of these days the radio is going to hit someone.

It seems to me that's it's those blaming the OP who got their knickers in a twist in the effort of blaming her.

Other people are (were, when the OP was still around) trying to understand what happened.

It's not that trivial for someone to get out of a car, follow the other person and slam doors just because of a look, particularly when they are so rushed to work that they forgot what they were supposed to do. Besides, the OP indicated it's part of a pattern.

[Lweji]

I was going to say, Loopy, that usually you post useful advice. On this occasion I think you are being very unfair on the OP, without knowing more about what is happening in her life. And definitely jumping the gun.

[Lweji]

Whereas different couples have different degrees of acceptable behaviour, if this man's behaviour is not acceptable to the OP, that's what matters. Clearly they disagree on acceptable behaviour. He doesn't accept looks, she doesn't accept being chased to the house and door slamming.
They have a problem.

[Loopyloulu]

Oh I dunno- I think they are both quite good at ducking radios now :)

Seriously, the OP doesn't say he followed her into the house etc.... It's all very unclear what happened. How he got from the car to the house and why he went back in the house- who knows? I assume she was in the house, he went back in, then left for work and slammed the front door. Wow. Big deal. IF that is what happened.

I agree that if he has a terrible temper and she is scared of him that IS a real issue. If on the other hand this was just a spat that loads of couples have early in the morning when under pressure to get to work, then it's nothing to get worked up over.

We don't know.

What I do feel is out of order is jumping to conclusions being certain that this guy is violent and she is being bullied.

It's that which worries me- I'd be fully supportive if it was clear that she was being bullied, but not if it was a tit-for-tat response which for them is par for the course.

I just want to know which before jumping to conclusions.

[Lweji]

I'm sorry loopy, buy your previous posts don't feel balanced at all.
Some posters managed to be so confrontational to the OP, without even asking probing questions, that she went away and may never get the help she needs, either if she's making a storm in a tea cup or he really is abusive, or something in the middle.
That's what annoyed me in this thread.

And people got so polarised, particularly in blaming the OP, that any useful advice is difficult to find.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'inequality' is what I meant ... a typo. Not jumping the gun at all and I think very hard before I write anything, thank you very much. There is a lot of evidence that aggressive, destructive behaviour is indicative of an abusive intimidating person. From the Womens Aid website, for example, on 'what is domestic violence'

Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.

And nowhere have I said that this is definitely a violent relationship. I have asked the OP on a few occasions is this is an isolated example and to provide other examples if she can. I've said it was disproportionate and unreasonable.

Play the ball, not the man

[Ahole]

If 'giving the stink eye', 'glaring' or 'giving a dirt look' was an imprisonment offence I feel I may have be doing 'time' over the years.

But slamming a door is? Really?!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Slammiing a door is, if it's the tip of an iceberg. This man, we are told, exhibits aggressive behaviour when faced with mild criticism... on a regular enough basis to be described as having 'form'.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Slamming a door in someone's face... that should have been.

[Ahole]

Cog- usually you post quite reasoned advice. On this occasion I think you are jumping the gun. There is no evidence either here or in RL that these behaviours are one step away from attacking someone. How do you make that connection - other than in your imagination? it's a rather provocative and dramatic statement, intended I'd say to raise the level of this post to something else.

That's why i think as well. There is such keenness in your posts to get op to tell you what a violent abusive arse he is. Based on very little. Perhaps its because you read about it so much on here that you may have lost a little perspective and see abusive behaviour everywhere.

[Ahole]

I don't think anyone on here who is declaring the dh an abusive violent arse, should be saying that loopyLouLou is "jumping the gun". That's just ridiculous.

It's not that trivial for someone to get out of a car, follow the other person and slam doors just because of a look,

And its not trivial to be do passive aggressive bin shuffling whilst giving evils.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I seriously doubt I've used the words 'violent abusive arse'.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I am also guilty of door slamming (although to be fair not in anyone's face). It can be very satisfying when you're cross. In fact when I got a new kitchen with soft close doors I was a bit disappointed as it prevents the post-argument flouncing about in the kitchen in a strop thing.

I agree I'm afraid cog. I think you are usually very measured but I think you've got a bit ahead of yourself here.

[Ahole]

I'd befullysupportive if it was clear that she was being bullied, but not if it was a tit-for-tat response which for them is par for the course. I just want to know which before jumping to conclusions.

Exactly.