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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I gave Dh the stink eye, now all hell has broken loose.

183 replies

Greenfircone · 11/11/2013 13:55

Have I over reacted?

This morning I admit I was in a mood. I'm a Sahm and do everything to get the kids ready for school. Dh just sorts himself out and goes to work. As its bin day today I put the bag in and asked if if could wheel the bin to the road. He forgot and got in the car. I took it and gave him a hard stare on my way past. (So far so childish!)

Now I would expect any normal person to then say 'sorry I forgot'. Instead if got out of the car with a 'how dare you look at me like that' attitude, stormed into the house and slammed a door in my face then went to work.

I texted telling him I can't put up with his aggressive behavior when facing mild criticism and not to bother coming home until if can see what he's like. He has form for this and I don't want the kids learning to be like this.

WTF now?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/11/2013 14:24

Anyone can be in a bad mood. Anyone can react. But there are limits to acceptable civilised behaviour between supposedly loving grown-ups. It's all about proportionality.

Strumpetron · 12/11/2013 17:50

Agree with ahole, put better than I tried to.

Loopyloulu · 12/11/2013 18:25

I cannot believe that 2 adults behave so childishly and one of them has to post on a forum asking for an opinion .

In your position I'd have motioned to him in some way while he was in the car, maybe tapped on the car window- maybe pointed at the bin- to remind him that it was his role to put it out. No nastiness, no huffs.

But you chose to do the job yourself then glare at him ( I assume- I don't know what a 'stink eye' )

I'm a bit puzzled why he got out of the car to go in the house if he was ready to drive off, then came out of the house and shut the door in your face if you were outside- I can't quite get my head around the logic of that.

But anyway- if you argue like this over a couple of black looks and someone having a sulk what sort of marriage do you have?

It seems crazy.

All you had to do was ask him/ remind him to put the bin out- not do it yourself then have a silent go at him.

Is this how you each behave all the time?

Anomaly · 12/11/2013 18:56

A reasonable man would have probably just needed reminding. But the op's DH does not sound reasonable.

Strumpetron · 12/11/2013 19:01

A reasonable woman would have just reminded instead of being childish with dirty looks?

cloudskitchen · 12/11/2013 19:25

Lol at Anniegetyourgun Grin

Original poster
Greenfircone · 12/11/2013 19:49

Thanks Cog for understanding. Many don't seem to.

OP posts:
Dahlen · 12/11/2013 19:59

To all those saying the OP should have just reminded her DH - which I agree would be the normal healthy reaction in a normal healthy relationship - how do you square that with the fact that the OP has said that her DH repeatedly ignores her requests for help?

How long does she politely remind him with no result before it's ok for her to lose patience?

A dirty look is in no way comparable to having a door slammed in your face IMO.

toffeesponge · 12/11/2013 20:03

You are living with a bully, Greenfircone. No wonder you have snapped. You have probably had years of him stropping and you having to back down to keep the "peace."

cloudskitchen · 12/11/2013 20:03

I can't believe the op is being judged so much for giving her husband a dirty look or whatever you want to call it. I really don't see the big deal. He was in the car, she gave him a visible indication she was annoyed he'd not put the bin out as asked. His reaction was more concerning. Op are you and dh now talking?

Loopyloulu · 12/11/2013 20:16

But this is so one sided.

She gave him a dirty look. He got annoyed.
So that makes it all ok for her to behave like this?

Op why didn't you leave the bin for him to do? If it wasn't done then there would be consequences- ie- an overflowing bin.

If you keep covering for him, doing the stuff you ask him to do and he ignores it, then how is that helping matters?

I think you were looking for a spat and he responded.

IMO you are both as bad as each other. You need to sit down and have a grown up chat instead of behaving like a couple of kids.

Mellowandfruitful · 12/11/2013 20:20

I think the way the OP was put has ended up being a bit misleading. This seems clearly to have a been a flashpoint in a pattern of behaviour that has been building up for some time, rather than - as so many people have responded to it - a one-off trivial incident.

The OP said 'I don't want to fear rage from him for me or dcs when he shouts'. That doesn't sound like a basically good guy who on one occasion forgets to do something. That sounds like someone permanently being difficult and intimidating to live with.

How long has he been like this, OP? And how many 'discussions' have you had about it - or does that just never work?

Loopyloulu · 12/11/2013 20:24

OP- how did he slam the door in your face? Were you right behind him going back in your house- or do you mean he slammed the car door?

I'm sorry but this just seems mad. All couples have rows, give each other black looks, doors get slammed in anger, but life goes on. It's really not a big deal for most people.

Are you making a drama out of nothing - or does he have a serious anger problem which needs addressing with professional help?

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 12/11/2013 20:31

A reasonable woman who has reminded, reminded , REMINDED, reminded and fucking reminded again resorts to a dirty look

To be greeted with a disproportionate amount of aggression and people are excusing this and blaming her for making him angry ?

Somebody help me out here...this is the relationships topic, right ? Confused

ouryve · 12/11/2013 20:35

Good grief, a dirty look is a pretty natural reaction when you're already busy and someone appears to deliberately "forget" to do the one little thing that could help you. Facial expression a pretty normal means of non-verbal communication when you are too far apart for words to be effective. DH gets enough of them from me, over fairly trivial stuff, usually, and being a reasonable man, he sorts out the problem, or asks what it is if he doesn't understand.

It is NOT the OP's fault that a man with a history of aggressive and intimidating behaviour goes out of his way to walk into the house and slam a door at her. If he'd hit her, or worse, would it still be her fault for giving him a look that portrays how annoyed she is with his repeated refusal to do basic things to look after his own home and family? No, because that would be blatant victim blaming.

As for the people who suggested that she should be the one putting all the bins out because a stay at home parent should be doing all the jobs around the house because the man goes to work: the 1950s called. They want you back.

arkestra · 12/11/2013 20:38

I think this is lacking backstory so we are all reacting according to our own takes - but none of us really has the "relationship" bit.

OP: clearly there's more of a problem than an isolated door slam on his part, I totally get that. You appear reluctant to elaborate (perhaps not wanting to appear petty?) but it's hard for people to get context given what they have so far. Why is he being an arse, do you think? Dodgy personality that's getting worse? Some other underlying problem(s)?

Strumpetron · 12/11/2013 20:41

Somebody help me out here...this is the relationships topic, right

Yes but does that mean we have to automatically be biased and start filling in the gaps with our own ideas.. like yours which seem to suggest the OP's DP is an abusive monster.. you've gleaned this from practically nothing.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 12/11/2013 20:42

I wonder why OP appears reluctant to elaborate ? Perhaps because she fears her worries will be trivialised. Like they have been so far on this thread by the majority. Like her shitty partner does.

Loopyloulu · 12/11/2013 20:42

Oh come on. Some of you are exaggerating. And being a Relationships forum doesn't mean we agree with the OP all the time!

She says she has reminded him to do things. She doesn't say she reminded him time after time after time to do the bins.

She admitted she was in a mood.

What does that say? Maybe she was looking for a spat. That's what it says to me. Maybe over reacting? (She asks us that herself so I think she knows the answer.)

It also suggests she feels angry all the time anyway for being a SAHM and having to do most of the chores.

OP- ALL couples have spats. There is not enough info here to tell us if this is a terrible life you have or one where you both have short tempers.

In any case you need to sit down and agree who is doing what with the chores and have a sensible discussion, not a drip-drip- nag and a rant, and a sulk, rather than behaving like grown ups.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 12/11/2013 20:42

Strumpetron, AIBU called, it's missing you.

Strumpetron · 12/11/2013 20:46

mist Oh really? My good friends logic and reason would like to meet you.

Maybe they'll help you understand you can't just go throwing unfounded statements around and automatically expect people to accept them.. just because we're in Relationships Hmm

Loopyloulu · 12/11/2013 20:49

Maybe you should pop over to the creative writing forum Mist because you seem to have a very vivid imagination, conjuring up an awful lot from the few posts here by the OP. Talk about Chinese Whispers.... a slammed door leads some people to think he's a raving lunatic, rather than just a man in a hurry to get out to work and support his family- having been annoyed by his wife ...

maybe he has a very demanding job, works all hours, is stressed out- and his job gives the OP the luxury of not working and he resents having to do so much when he's working his socks off bringing home the bacon.

We don't know do we....?

There are always 2 sides to everything.

Yama · 12/11/2013 20:50

I am pretty disgusted with some of the posts in thread. The op is clearly reaching out and she is getting criticised for giving a disrespectful mean bully a look. Jesus Christ.

Lweji · 12/11/2013 20:51

I do think the OP has been somewhat unfairly treated.
A dirty/annoyed/angry look does not warrant anyone coming out of their car and, presumably, follow the wife back in to shut the door on her face. Or if she was still outside. Whatever happened.

It does look like the OP is fed up of doing all and apparently getting grief for complaining, or being displeased.

However, OP, I think you'd get better advice if you explained the background and what happened better.

Mellowandfruitful · 12/11/2013 20:53

Loopy doesn't sound like much of a 'luxury' to be not working when that actually means you do all the grunt work of childcare and domestic tasks without any help from your life partner.

Mist I can see you're trying to support the OP, and I sympathise with that (and did it myself) but I don't think 'this is the relationships forum' is helpful. I don't see why that means we have to uncritically support the woman over the man in every instance because of that. In this case, I happen to think the OP has a fair gripe. But let's not make this about what is and what isn't allowed on the Relationships forum. That's only ever down to MNHQ.