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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting back in contact with MM

137 replies

talksomesense · 09/11/2013 11:38

I was in an intense, loving two year relationship with a married man. It ended a month ago when he told his wife and she asked him to try again. He decided to stay and I was devastated. He claimed this was due to his dcs and told me he loved me so much but could never contact me again.

One month on, and a few ignored Phonecalls from MM that soon subsided, I still love him and think about him every second of the day.

I am wondering wether I should go out on one last limb and email him my feelings - how much I love and miss him and ask him for one second to reconsider. I know it's seriously stupid.

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 19/01/2014 22:13

Don't do ANYTHING. really . Silence is impenetrable .

Scarletohello · 19/01/2014 22:26

Just don't do it. If you do respond you will then be waiting for a reply for him. You've done so well, don't take the bait.

And what can he say to you now that will help matters?

I miss you, I think about you every day, I wish I could be with you?

If he wanted to be with you he would be.

I know it's hard but just ignore

I'm saying this as I have had a similar experince to you and it's taken me a year to get over it. This NYE I had one if the best times ever because I could remember how bad I felt the year before and how I was determined that I wasn't going to let myself be in that situation in a years time.

And I did it!

Stay strong you can do it.

Original poster
talksomesense · 19/01/2014 22:37

Thanks redundant. I know I shouldn't reply.

That is brilliant Scarleto - I envy you, I would love to be a year on from this x

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 19/01/2014 22:38

You're a fish, it's a bit of bait. He's bored, needs a lift. Ignore.

Scarletohello · 19/01/2014 22:43

It was hard won tbh

A cou

Scarletohello · 19/01/2014 22:47

Bloody phone!

A couple of websites really helped me with it

TOW ( the other woman )
It was chilling and heartbreaking to read accounts from other women about their experiences with MM. Made me realise there was indeed a script and mine wasn't very special after all. Also seeing how these women had wasted years of their lives waiting for these men to leave ( they rarely did)

The other excellent website is Baggage Reclaim
I used to read it for hours on end to make me feel strong especially when I wanted to contact him again

It just takes time...

( I also went to Relate to talk about why I'd got into this situation. It really helped )

Fairenuff · 19/01/2014 22:55

Just forward the email to his wife. And continue to ignore him.

redundantandbitter · 19/01/2014 23:04

Good on you Scarlett . Will look out for the light at the end of the tunnel. Good website advice.

talk both Scarlett and I have used Relate (I'm still going). Do you talk through what has happened in your life with anyone. It's shitty and hard all in your own. I can only imagine how I would feel to get an email out if the blue like that. Here's a completely un MN- style hug

Original poster
talksomesense · 19/01/2014 23:09

Thanks so much redundant. how is Relate? I hadn't considered it actually. My friends think i've been abducted by aliens and replaced by a complete loon.

Scarleto, did he try to contact you during the year you've gone NC and if so, what did you do?

Faire - I have considered sending it (and the ones from a couple of months ago) to his wife but I don't want to hurt her anymore or be crazy OW 'woman scorned'.

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 19/01/2014 23:24

Well my GP has recently offered me counselling but its a bit late in the day . Have been at Relate since oct. (I'm a regular - Shame they don't do loyalty points. Oh the irony).

I contacted Relate because I knew they woukd see me quickly. Called on Monday and was seen on Friday. And they are very local to me. I can't say if its super helpful in the great scheme of things , but it sure does help to be able to have a space to cry and snot for a hour. Pathetic really. Friends tend to think you should 'be over' the knobhead by now. (Sorry if I'm tarnishing your ex with my knobhead ex brush).

There's a lot of face pulling and head nodding but I DO like my counsellor.

Scarletohello · 19/01/2014 23:32

I'd tried to end it 8 times before but he would always contact me and beg me to come back. It was only when I was so miserable and broken by it that I knew I had to end it for good. Told him I was resolute in my decision and asked him to not contact me again. This time he didn't. I missed him like mad, had endless conversations with him in my head, wanted answers but just had to keep on letting go. And then doing so again. And eventually, slowly slowly I went hours, days without thinking about him. It just takes time...

Original poster
talksomesense · 19/01/2014 23:45

Feel free to tarnish him with knobhead brush redundant! I'm glad you're finding Relate helpful.

I feel like I also hit that rock bottom moment Scarleto - so anxious, felt like I lost myself, self esteem on the floor, complete wreck, antidepressants, but now two months have passed, i'm feeling a bit better and I start to forget what he put me through and how sad i was - complete shadow of my pre-affair self.

I asked him numerous times not to contact me but he always does after a bit. I just can't believe after two months it was to ask how work was going and not how I was doing after he has put me through actual hell then dropped me from a great height after two years. Even told his wife that I was crazy and won't leave him alone. I cared for him so much :(

OP posts:
Scarletohello · 20/01/2014 01:06

It's time for you to care for you now. I really do know how it feels, I ended up wondering if he meant anything he had said to me at all. Felt used and betrayed

Especially as when we met he told me he was divorced. Didn't find out he wasn't till 6 months later!

Hissy · 20/01/2014 07:35

So... change your number.

STOP leaving a door permanently open for him to come sniffing around.

He's not contacting you to see how you are, he's looking to get a cheap shag, then he'd dump you again.

You owe yourself a better self image than this, surely you can see this?

Did he really tell her about you? Do you know this for a fact, or did he just bottle it?

Read your last post. Look what he turned you into, do you think you deserve to be back there again? Hating yourself, on ADs and shaking?

Everytime this lying bastard sniffs anywhere near your direction, remember that poor quivering mess, he'd put you back there in a heartbeat for a quick leg over.

But if you change your number, he won't be able to put you back there again, would he?

No excuses, take control and cut all ties. He doesn't deserve you. He never did.

Hissy · 20/01/2014 07:40

Number/email clearly. Sorry!

Meant to say.

You envy Scarlett for being a year on? You can be that woman. All you have to do is dig deep, remind yourself of what you want, which is to be strong, not a quivering, sobbing wreck, and happier than you are today.

You will get there, all it takes is time. It's like giving up cigarettes. One day at a time!

laverneandshirl · 20/01/2014 11:25

You're in love with an idealised version of someone that doesn't actually exist - you need to find the real version of what you're grieving for - it won't look like him but I bet it's out there!

I am v shocked but not surprised at how awful he is being to his wife and to you by sending those emails. Imagine how you would feel if he left his wife for you and kept sending little emails and texts to her all that time.

Can you set up an email inbox rule that automatically deletes/blocks emails from his address to your work one? I'm sure someone on MN could advise if you post the email system you use.

Keep up the NC we are rooting for you.

farmersmarket · 20/01/2014 19:46

sorry to see so many spiteful nasty messages on this thread op… he probably does care and love you but caught up in a difficult and confusing place himself.

Fairenuff · 20/01/2014 19:51

No, he really is putting himself first here. He wouldn't treat you like this if he cared for you.

Hissy · 20/01/2014 20:06

farmers don't be idiotic. The fact that he doesn't care enough about anyone to be honest/faithful is well established here.

The OP needs to see this, as harsh as that reality is, to move on with a decent, happy and fulfilled life. One that's not at the expense of the happiness of another woman and innocent children.

Hissy · 20/01/2014 20:07

MM are not good enough to stay with, any more than cheating Hs.

I hope his wife boots him out and strips him to the bone.

farmersmarket · 20/01/2014 20:08

actually lots of men do genuinely "stay for the children". would you ever make a decision that involved leaving your children behind and seeing them occasionally (or never if the ex gets vindictive)? I never would. any many men feel the same.
he may genuinely love the op - making her feel angry and rejected all a bit balck and white - but he almost certainly loves his kids. and that probably makes him at least half way to being decent person.
love affairs end, just like love can end in a marriage, but that does not rewrite history for the OP that they never loved each other.

Fairenuff · 20/01/2014 20:16

farmers you are saying that he chooses to stay in his marriage for the children?

But he was happy to risk that by having an affair. His wife could have ended the relationship. She still might.

He knew it was a gamble and he thought it was worth the risk.

So, no, his children are not a priority to him either. Dipping his cock is more important to this man than what is best for his children.

Hissy · 20/01/2014 20:59

Any cheat runs the risk of being slung out and taken to the cleaners, and so they should.

When a 'man' (and cheats are not MEN) chooses to betray his wife, he betrays his family and places the whole set up at risk. It's his ego, and disdain/lack of respect for women in general that cons him into thinking that it's worth pursuing, he does this by minimising everyone and everything in his life. Except his dick. It really is that simple.

He doesn't give a shit about his kids! He doesn't care about his wife OR the OW. He's in this for himself purely and simply. Every heart he breaks is collateral damage in pursuit of his ego salve.

If it were any other way, he'd face up to any issues in the relationship, fix them, or end it.

Many marriages do fail without the involvement of an Other Person.

There isn't ever a 'need' to cheat.

str8tothepoint · 21/01/2014 14:40

Just walk away, it's over as hard as it appears now it does get better. He probably bullshitted you everything and like noted the only thing he loves is himself. Your better of rid, delete his number, email address and forget he exists

Hissy · 21/01/2014 16:17

srt8 how's you? Have you been taking your own advice too? :) hope so! Xx