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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting back in contact with MM

137 replies

talksomesense · 09/11/2013 11:38

I was in an intense, loving two year relationship with a married man. It ended a month ago when he told his wife and she asked him to try again. He decided to stay and I was devastated. He claimed this was due to his dcs and told me he loved me so much but could never contact me again.

One month on, and a few ignored Phonecalls from MM that soon subsided, I still love him and think about him every second of the day.

I am wondering wether I should go out on one last limb and email him my feelings - how much I love and miss him and ask him for one second to reconsider. I know it's seriously stupid.

OP posts:
BasilBabyEater · 10/11/2013 20:00

He went on and on about wanting to be with me and even initiated in depth conversations about how i would feel being a 'stepmum' to his dcs (not great!) and that he didn't want more children (I have none) s

He went on about you being a step mother to his DC's and not wanting more kids even though you haven't got any, in order to a) look more serious than he was and b) put you off. Of course being a stepmother and not being allowed to become a mother yourself, would put up barriers to making your relationship real - barriers that he wanted there, while pretending they weren't barriers.

It's so clever. Don't blame yourself for having fallen for it, as others have said, the reason men do this is because it works.

BasilBabyEater · 10/11/2013 20:01

Sorry that first para should be in quotes.

Original poster
talksomesense · 16/11/2013 10:58

Thanks for the advice last week all, thanks to you I have another week NC under my belt though my desire to make contact is just as strong. I'm trying to tell myself that if he felt he had made the wrong choice then HE would contact ME, then I try to think of all the reasons why i'd never want a relationship with him anyway :(

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 16/11/2013 11:46

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you find something or someone to take your mind off him soon [hugs]

parttimer79 · 16/11/2013 12:12

I have been that OW, except in our case my now DP told his wife and left shortly after our affair beginning - classic exit affair. So theoretically I got what you want, I do believe that DP is my great love and I am his, but you know what. If I had the choice now I wouldn't do it.
Even with a good relationship with his DCs and his incredibly dignified ex wife and a beautiful dd together it has been so so hard. It has taken years to build trust, my feelings of guilt led to severe anxiety and PND.
Just to give the perspective that even what looks like "winning" can feel a lot like losing. I wouldn't trade my DP or DD but I will always wish just a little bit the circs were different and Id made better choices.
You can now do that, choose NC and give yourself time to heal and move forward.

Putitonthelist · 16/11/2013 12:19

Well done on getting through another week of NC. The desire to make contact will be strong for some time to come. I'm still tempted sometimes (I'm now 4 months NC apart from email blip which didn't send anyway as I'd blocked him) but the difference is now I know I won't waver because I've had the time away from him to think of what kind of man he really is. You will get there too. Stay strong x

BasilBabyEater · 16/11/2013 12:24

Keep on keeping on talksomesense.

Don't sabotage yourself. You're doing well.

IsTheGrassGreener · 16/11/2013 13:09

This is my first post here on mumsnet. I a in a similar situation to you OP, although after a much shorter affair. Married man and I have developed very strong feelings for each other very quickly. (I am single btw.) We have now stopped all contact (two weeks and counting), and it is hard. I am thinking about him every day. The temptation to send just a short email is huge. But a happy ending was never on the cards. What parttimer79 said really resonates with me - even if he were to split from his wife I am not sure I could fully trust him (and that's not me taking the moral high ground). I am heartbroken but I do think that we have made the right choice to end it.

Good luck OP, you are doing really well, keep it up.

BuzzardBird · 16/11/2013 13:18

Good post Grass and welcome to MN Thanks

suchatwat · 16/11/2013 13:31

Some great advice given here, I get through it by repeating to myself, he just didn't love me enough and I am worth so much more plus his poor wife has to live with him when he is a cowardly lying bastard, try it, it works, I am 6 weeks on, tough going but I (and you) will get there x

suchatwat · 16/11/2013 13:31

Some great advice given here, I get through it by repeating to myself, he just didn't love me enough and I am worth so much more plus his poor wife has to live with him when he is a cowardly lying bastard, try it, it works, I am 6 weeks on, tough going but I (and you) will get there x

suchatwat · 16/11/2013 13:32

Some great advice given here, I get through it by repeating to myself, he just didn't love me enough and I am worth so much more plus his poor wife has to live with him when he is a cowardly lying bastard, try it, it works, I am 6 weeks on, tough going but I (and you) will get there x

suchatwat · 16/11/2013 13:33

Some great advice given here, I get through it by repeating to myself, he just didn't love me enough and I am worth so much more plus his poor wife has to live with him when he is a cowardly lying bastard, try it, it works, I am 6 weeks on, tough going but I (and you) will get there x

suchatwat · 16/11/2013 13:33

Some great advice given here, I get through it by repeating to myself, he just didn't love me enough and I am worth so much more plus his poor wife has to live with him when he is a cowardly lying bastard, try it, it works, I am 6 weeks on, tough going but I (and you) will get there x

suchatwat · 16/11/2013 13:33

Some great advice given here, I get through it by repeating to myself, he just didn't love me enough and I am worth so much more plus his poor wife has to live with him when he is a cowardly lying bastard, try it, it works, I am 6 weeks on, tough going but I (and you) will get there x

suchatwat · 16/11/2013 13:34

Some great advice given here, I get through it by repeating to myself, he just didn't love me enough and I am worth so much more plus his poor wife has to live with him when he is a cowardly lying bastard, try it, it works, I am 6 weeks on, tough going but I (and you) will get there x

suchatwat · 16/11/2013 13:34

Some great advice given here, I get through it by repeating to myself, he just didn't love me enough and I am worth so much more plus his poor wife has to live with him when he is a cowardly lying bastard, try it, it works, I am 6 weeks on, tough going but I (and you) will get there x

suchatwat · 16/11/2013 13:34

Some great advice given here, I get through it by repeating to myself, he just didn't love me enough and I am worth so much more plus his poor wife has to live with him when he is a cowardly lying bastard, try it, it works, I am 6 weeks on, tough going but I (and you) will get there x

IsTheGrassGreener · 16/11/2013 13:35

Thanks Buzzard. I just wish being sensible wasn't quite so painful Sad

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 16/11/2013 13:36

Op have some respect for his wife! Never mind yourself!

BuzzardBird · 16/11/2013 13:39

That's it suchatwat keep repeating it Grin

redundantandbitter · 16/11/2013 14:24

OP I wondered how you were doing. Another week with NC. How is it that doing the right thing is doing the one thing you least want to do - cut off the person who meant a lot to you.

But, you have to distance yourself now and seems you are doing well. How are you distracting yourself?

There will be 'moments' ahead when you will be fighting the urge to contact him. Birthdays, anniversaries etc. he may also get back in touch. Mine did after 5 weeks. I even 'won' the prize. But as the earlier poster said no one really comes out winning. And now my DP is my EX DP and someone else has won him.

Really, OP you sound lovely. And single! He wasn't giving you a normak relationship. Don't sell yourself short. You deserve a whole person. Keep up the good work, and I know you're not supposed to do this but .. Hug

suchatwat · 16/11/2013 14:25

Some great advice given here, I get through it by repeating to myself, he just didn't love me enough and I am worth so much more plus his poor wife has to live with him when he is a cowardly lying bastard, try it, it works, I am 6 weeks on, tough going but I (and you) will get there x

suchatwat · 16/11/2013 14:28

Oops sorry, was on the train and the signal kept going . Lol at buzzard bird :-)

TheNewSchmoo · 16/11/2013 14:39

Talksome -that's exactly what I am trying to do. It hurts and it's hard and my circumstances are slightly different, but I am trying to remember that I want the man but not all his baggage, but that one comes with the other. NC is so hard, but it's only been a week . I just wish Christmas aand it's amazing capacity to make you feel utterly lonely wasn't looming.