Getting back in contact with MM

[talksomesense]

I was in an intense, loving two year relationship with a married man. It ended a month ago when he told his wife and she asked him to try again. He decided to stay and I was devastated. He claimed this was due to his dcs and told me he loved me so much but could never contact me again.

One month on, and a few ignored Phonecalls from MM that soon subsided, I still love him and think about him every second of the day.

I am wondering wether I should go out on one last limb and email him my feelings - how much I love and miss him and ask him for one second to reconsider. I know it's seriously stupid.

I think there's no doubt that Xmas is going to be a bummer for a lot of folk that are NC (me included). Good luck with the coming weeks. Keep posting

Off the wagon here :(

MM sent me an email - just the frown emoticon and I stupidly responded asking if he was okay. He replied saying he was having a nostalgia moment. Then nothing since Tuesday. Feel all churned up by it all again now. Why is he messaging when he is back with DW? I have blocked him but this was from a new work email.

You now take a deep breath and start the NC all over again. Is the only way to feel better.

His poor wife.

Nostalgia refers to the past.

And that's where he should remain.

No more emails.

It always amazes me how little empathy the OW has for the situation the wife is in. I was 'the wife'. I had considerable empathy for OW. I understood she loved my DH, understood how he must have pursued her and made her feel special. I didn't have any hard feelings towards her at any point, and when the affair ended I felt angry that my DH had hurt someone (relatively) innocent, and knew she was hurting.

She cared not one jot about me, begged my DH to leave me alone and pregnant and go to her, kept contacting him, sent bizarre things in the post to me like his tie in an enormous cardboard box (?). I assume she did this to keep reminding me. She now cyber stalks me.

OP have some empathy. MM and his wife are trying to make it work. This is not easy. Allow the wife the space to try, and if it doesn't work out, well then it's up to you. I suggest you tell him to F off and find yourself someone you really loves you.

worsester

Please don't tar me with your ow's brush - I have nothing but empathy for his wife and have gone to counselling to understand how I could do this to someone. I'm trying to get on with life though it is very hard. It is he who is making contact but yes I shouldn't have responded, though it wasn't out of a lack of empathy for his DW.

Why is he messaging when he is back with DW?

For the same reasons he was happy to have an affair for 2 years.

Work out the answer for that yourself. Are you really this naive?

His poor wife and children, I have no idea how people can treat others so badly. The mm is a shit no question there but you can make a choice about how you behave. You can make a choice to start acting as a decent human, is this really the person you want to be?

"I have nothing but empathy for his wife?" Ah, come on. That's not really true though is it? You know she's going through an awful time - because of your lover - and yet you are getting in a tizz about an email of a 'frown emoticon'.

I do wish you the best of luck and its great you are having counseling, but its not rocket science: if he wanted to be with you by now, he would.

I suspect the reason he contacted you was one of these:

-they'd had a row ( so sees if Talk is still around to stroke ego)
-he's realised that married life can be dull once the dust settles again ( see above -ditto)
-he likes controlling people and boosting his ego ( and wants to see if you Talk are around for an ego boost)

I think you like being messed about.

its only been what, 2 weeks since the OP posted and only 6 weeks since she split up. She was clearly very much in love with him, the shit that he is. Maybe people have forgotten what unrequited - or worse, broken - love is like especially when you have a user who knows just how to hook his claws into the most tender and longing part of the heart.

She should keep well well away but give her a break!

I am giving her a break! I do feel sorry for her. And I do hope she moves on. However, she is clearly in a state of denial if she can say: "I have nothing but empathy for his wife"

If this is how you treat the people you have empathy for, Gawd help the ones who you actively don't give a shit about.

Talk

I do sympathise with you and do understand how you can appreciate your role and how his wife must feel- though that's not quite the same as empathy because you aren't her.

However.......reading back over this thread, you've been given some great advice about to go NC.

That included changing your phone number or if you don't want to do that - then at least set up your phone so it blocks his number. Similarly if you email set it up so his emails go into spam.

Unless you take practical steps like this then you are not serious about going NC- you are living on the edge hoping he'll get back and say he wants you.

You need to let this man go, he was never yours to begin with. As others have said, you have to go No Contact and you and only you can do that. Delete anything that comes from him without reading it, block his number and email, change your number, do whatever it takes to stop him contacting you.

You are responsible for your own actions. Well done for getting counselling to face up to your actions.

OP, you just need to dig deep.

My OM contacted me on my birthday after a month of NC - I got sucked in again and had to start the whole healing process from square one.

To my disbelief he made contact with me again last week after 3 months NC. I had deleted and blocked everything, he turned up at the same place as me, walked over and cornered me, if was awful. It is all about him, his ego and his entitlement. His OH doesn't know about me so I've made it clear if he ever contacts me/approaches me again I will tell her. I think if you really want this man out of your life you need to make it clear that if he contacts you again you will tell his wife.

Thanks. For what its worth, I have blocked him - this came from a new email address.

Thisisaghost - you can mock me for getting 'in a tizz' about his email but anyone on here trying to go no contact will tell you how difficult and heart-wrenching it is - and then for him to make contact after I was doing so well is just awful actually.

I've been in your position and it's really horrible. But 7 years down the line and now married to a man who's never lied to me or made me feel as used as MM did I can say with absolutely certainty that getting dumped by the duplicitous wanker was the best thing that could have happened.

It sounds trite and it's been said already here but he's not that into you. If he was he'd have left her and be with you. He's a scared and pathetic worm of a man and he's hedged his bets for an easier life. You deserve so much better than that piece of shit. Feel free to message me if you want to talk. You're in a dark place but it's not forever.

It is awful OP. I actuallly crossed the NC days off in marker pen on the calendar. I eventually got to the point where I didn't need to do it anymore. Start NC again and just delete any new emails and don't relply. I know exactly where you're coming from - stay strong X

I'm sorry I didn't mean to mock, I just wanted to bring home how it looks to someone outside the situation.

Keep on going. It will get less painful and in a year or so you too will be saying I can't understand how I felt like that.

My heart goes out to you OP.

A close friend of mine is going through a very similar thing at the moment. Except she was also married, with kids. The affair prompted her to separate from her DH, she made arrangements to move out, then when the crunch came, her OM did not have the balls to do the same. Some of the things you have said are almost identical, word for word, with what my friend has been saying:

"if he had told me he didn't love me enough it would make it so much easier." Yep, she said the same thing.

I think what I'm struggling with is his relentless affection and telling me he wanted us to be together ... Amongst other grand statements he said that his feelings for his wife did not compare to how he felt about me and eventually won me over into thinking maybe we could make a go of things. I set my heart on it, then he decided to try again and cut me off overnight. - Again, exactly what happened to my friend.

Since he cut me off he sent me one message saying I am 'always there' and he thinks about me constantly. That is why I (idiotically) wanted to send one last email saying I think about him too and maybe if it's this bad for him then he's made the wrong choice. - Again, almost word for word identical to what my friend has said and done.

It's tragic, because the OM is clearly just being a spineless twat. He may actually believe all those things that he is saying, but at the end of the day, when push came to shove, he didn't love you enough to leave his wife for you.

I'm worried that my friend's OM will eventually be kicked out by his wife, and she will 'win' him by default. But what sort of a victory is that? You deserve a man who loves you so much he's prepared to do anything for you. A man who would turn his back on his comfortable life because being with YOU is more important than anything else.

Your OM is telling you that you're not that important. Listen to his actions, rather than his words, or his pathetic attention seeking messages. And I agree with the posters upthread who say that you need to focus on the negative stuff to get angry with him.

Heal yourself. Put yourself first. Because you can bet your arse your OM isn't putting your wellbeing anywhere near the top of his priorities right now.

(Sorry if I'm projecting a lot here. The similarities to my friend's situation are uncanny, and she will not listen to sense. I feel like I'm talking to her by writing it here but I hope it helps OP too)

OP I feel for you, I really do, as having what felt like a perfect romance fall apart hurts, however ill advised that romance might have been; but don't insult the wife, you don't empathise with her pain. If you did you wouldn't even think about contacting her DH again. Someone once wrote on this forum a short piece on how it felt when they discovered their DH's affair. The phrase that stuck in my mind ' even my bones hurt'. It's true, the pain is so bad even your bones hurt. That's how his wife felt/feels and will always feel, and every single day, every single hour she will be hit by some small reminder and will go through that pain all over again.

It's a very long hard road rebuilding your marriage after an affair. If you stick your oar in again, yes you probably will 'win' him back as if she will kick him out. However, if she does you will become the unexciting available 'wife' and she'll be the one he can't have. A very different dynamic. Some affairs lead to new and happy unions, not not the ones where the person involved doesn't want to leave their partner.

I'm not a bitter wife btw, I'm very sympathetic to your position. I'm just further on in the same process (but on the other side) so have some idea of where you are going to end up.

Can you honestly say you have empathy for the woman you want this man to leave for you?

A little chink of light in the window of hope...he's a tosser to do that to you.

But you feel sorry for him still, I think.

How are you today OP? Hope you're feeling stronger, and I hope you can get to the angry stage and start to think of all the reasons why you're better off without this spineless wankbadger

So, after two months of silence from MM, myself managing to go NC (so hard) and get my head into some sort of 'zone' away from MM, tonight he has emailed me out of the blue (to my work account which I can't block) with the most mundane 2 line message ever asking how work is going. This after nothing all over Christmas and New Year when I was waking up crying on my own at how quick MM could drop me and how foolish i've been. What's he playing at? I know I shouldn't respond but I want to say something along the lines of 'What the fuck??' Or just something to make him understand the gravity of what he's done/is doing.