Getting back in contact with MM

[talksomesense]

I was in an intense, loving two year relationship with a married man. It ended a month ago when he told his wife and she asked him to try again. He decided to stay and I was devastated. He claimed this was due to his dcs and told me he loved me so much but could never contact me again.

One month on, and a few ignored Phonecalls from MM that soon subsided, I still love him and think about him every second of the day.

I am wondering wether I should go out on one last limb and email him my feelings - how much I love and miss him and ask him for one second to reconsider. I know it's seriously stupid.

He didn't even have the courage and honesty to tell you that he doesn't want you enough to be with you, he'd rather be with his DW. He leaves you wondering, kidding yourself that he's sacrificing his happiness for the sake of a his kids, what a great guy.

When actually he's just a cowardly piece of shit who couldn't even be bothered to give you the real information you need to move on from him - that he doesn't love you enough to leave his wife for you. At least knowing that would set you free, right? At least if you knew that, if you knew he didn't love you, you might be sad but you could start getting on with the rest of your life. But no, not content with emotionally abusing his family for 2 years, he's now emotionally abusing you by not telling you the truth, leaving you with doubts and false hope and the erroneous idea that maybe there's some way you can be together after all.

He really is not worth the time and energy of anybody with any sense.

Suchatwat...sorry but your mm didn't ruin your life- you did. Don't want to upset you but you have to take responsibility. You made the decision to leave your husband and son (can't quite get my head around that whether he's 2 or 20) and you knew he was already married to another person and part of another family.

You made a mistake, you're only

human but don't blame somebody else for your mistakes.

You don't want to believe it but the truth is, he doesn't love you enough to be with you. Don't get fobbed off for the love of his dcs, that's immutable.

Suggest to move on for the opportunity to meet a loving honest and dignified man who can show you what real love is.

Thanks for all this advice. No I'm not the gay man (but that would solve a lot of problems right now).

suchatwat - sorry you are here too :(

Basil - yes, if he had told me he didn't love me enough it would make it so much easier.

I think what I'm struggling with is his relentless affection and telling me he wanted us to be together - it was (initially) me who wanted to hold off and encouraged him to try again for the sake of his family. Amongst other grand statements he said that his feelings for his wife did not compare to how he felt about me and eventually won me over into thinking maybe we could make a go of things. I set my heart on it, then he decided to try again and cut me off overnight.

Since he cut me off he sent me one message saying I am 'always there' and he thinks about me constantly. That is why I (idiotically) wanted to send one last email saying I think about him too and maybe if it's this bad for him then he's made the wrong choice. He said at the time he was so pre-occupied with me for the last two yrs that he'd not put anything into his marriage and he wanted to at least see if he could put me out of his mind. So confused.

Affairs are always confusing because the people in them are living 2 lives and giving out mixed messages.

The stats show that in an affair situation if the couple involved do not leave their partner within 6 months they are never likely to.
Of course there will always be exceptions.

I think you have to try to understand that yes, this man maybe did love you. It may not be a popular view on this thread but I do believe it's possible to love two people at the same time. But it's only possible to live a full life with one . Your man chose his family.

No matter how much you love him, you must be able to see that this is the best choice for him, his wife and his children. If the marriage had been dead or totally intolerable, he'd have left a long while back because he had the perfect escape- you.

If you do love him and have any compassion then you will see that being instrumental in a break up which involves children is not something you'd want on your conscience for life- when there was clearly some chance their marriage was fixable with you off the scene.

There are marriages where one partner is still in it because they are too scared or lazy to leave and they need an 'exit' affair to give them the jolt. This is not commendable because they should have had the courage to leave sooner. But people are weak and human- so this does happen.

However, I don't get the sense from you that this was the marriage your man was in. If it was, he'd have left.

As hard as it was, you have to understand that you were the 'cake' he was eating. You provided him with some comfort and excitement outside of what was possibly- like many marriages are- a rather dull life where the grass is always perceived as greener.

Your mistake was to allow this to carry on for so long. Yes, breaking up a family for someone else is not good. But shit happens. Had this guy been really wanting out of his marriage and been honest with his wife, and left that's one thing. But he wasn't.

To get over this you have to focus on the shit. He deceived his wife. He neglected her emotions. He may have promised you the earth but didn't deliver. And if he had, the reality is you'd have been the step mum to his kids starting off on pretty bad terms all round.

Sadly, you let yourself get dragged into a fantasy- that he'd leave the comfort of his home for you. You now have to focus on yourself and your self worth. If you really love this man you'll want what is best for him. That means staying with his family. If he wakes up one day and decides he wants a divorce well, fair enough. But I don't have the impression his life at home with his wife was all that bad.

You've been duped. It hurts but you have to try to move on and not contact him. He really isn't worth your head space and one day when you have man who is free to love you, you'll regret all the time you gave to this one.

His "always there" comment was to let you know he is available for more extra-marital betrayal if you are up for being used again. He won't leave his wife until maybe she kicks him out.

He is not really a very good prize though is he?

His 'always there for you' comment is because he wants his cake and eat it.

Please don't settle for second best.

Actions speak louder than words. He doesn't want to be with you!! He loves his family more than you.

You need to delete his number and move out of limbo land.

Err- where does the OP says he has confessed to his wife?

Can't really add to Loopylou's brilliant and very insightful post.

So sorry that you're still hurting so much OP, it does take time. Contacting him will set you back and delay the healing process. You need to accept that he has made his choice. It's a bitter pill to swallow but the reality is you got involved with a MM and it never ends well.

If you were to send a last message it should be to tell him to stop messing about with you, telling you he's always there and always thinking of you, and to actually stop contacting you.

If the wife reads his messages, it would be interesting for her (I'd want to know), if she's not then you maintain your dignity in telling him that you're not falling for his manipulating tactics.

You should really try to move on with your life and use this as a life lesson. Go, find happiness in yourself and then consider letting a good man in your life.

It's not up to you to tell him that perhaps he's made the wrong choice though is it?

Do you want to be his wife? Knowing he's been shagging elsewhere but begging him to stay anyway?

Constantly wondering if and when he's going to up sticks and do it again?

You're far, far luckier than she. She married the prick. She has reproduced with him and is probably trying to put her children first by staying with a man who trampled all over her and will most likely continue to do so. Just, with someone else. And more sneakily.

As much as it feels like it now, that's NOT the life you want. Trust me.

Relationships are always "intense" when they are a dirty little secret.

You need to realise that you deserve to be with someone who is committed to YOU and only you. Why shouldn't you have that?

And remember, your version of him is vastly different to what you'd get if you had to live a mundane, day to day life with him.

Buy I really think you should not contact this man at all and just delete his number, change number, block email, etc

What his emails are saying is "I am always here and you can pick up as my mistress again any time you like"

Make no mistake - he is not promising you happily ever after. If you go back to him now it will be knowing exactly what your place is and will only ever be in his life. Second (third) best. If that is all you are good for then go for it.

Suspending disbelief and assuming for a second that despite what he has done he is actually a half decent guy then he has fallen into the trap that all these kind of men do. He thinks he is "not the type" to have an affair. So when he is attracted to someone else and has an affair he feels all the more intensely that these feelings are something special, beyond anything he ever felt for his wife. It is so bloody by the script that it is ridiculous. You are in exactly the same position - your feelings/relationship must be amazing because it feels so intense, you never thought you could do this blah blah blah. And you did the TYPICAL OW thing in that your relationship started with exchanging confidences, you giving him advice, telling him to sort things out with his wife blah blah blah...

All of us on here with any knowledge/experience of this know this. What you are feeling, what you believe he feels - it is soooo hackneyed and such self serving, self justifying, deluded bollocks.

This relationship will have damaged your self esteem far far more that you realise. Years from now you will still be affected by how a guy who felt so much for you (he said), and who you felt so much for (you think) that you were both willing to compromise your principles and cheat could chose another woman, a woman for whom his feelings do not compare to his feelings for you (he says) over you.

Sarah have you been the OW or been the victim of infidelity? Because this is a really harsh thing to write

This relationship will have damaged your self esteem far far more that you realise. Years from now you will still be affected by how a guy who felt so much for you (he said), and who you felt so much for (you think) that you were both willing to compromise your principles and cheat could chose another woman, a woman for whom his feelings do not compare to his feelings for you (he says) over you.

No one can know how quickly or not the OP will get over this. Any relationship that ends badly or where love is unrequited is painful- there doesn't have to be an 'eternal triangle' to make it hurt so badly.

Many years ago I was unwittingly the OW because the man I dated was separated - his wife had left him for another man. This was genuine. I met her. She told me. What 'my' OM didn't tell me was she came back. It was a LDR and I found out one day when I paid a surprise visit to him. Interestingly her anger was directed not at me, but at him for lying to me. I got over it quite sharpish- far quicker than other relationships where we were both single and the man just decided he didn't love me any more, without another woman or kids in the background.

I'm not prepared to answer lou sorry. Let's just say I have lots of experience on different sides to various coins on this matter.

I think the thing about this situation is that someone is telling you that their feelings are so strong for you (and yours are the same) but they choose another person over you. A person that they say means less to them and about whom they have never felt the way they have about you. When you go into the relationship in the way that talksomesense has (sounds like an emotional affair that crossed the line from the comments about telling him to talk to his wife) then that is a vastly different and potentially much more hurtful and damaging experience than the one you just described. IMO/E of course.

Your 'no comment' says it all!

I still don't agree with you about how much pain she will suffer for years- that's a very negative side to it and if it's your own experience ( which it sounds like) then sorry you are/have suffered.

Being left by a man who goes back to his wife is in some ways easier to bear than being left because someone wakes up one day and decides they just don't care bout you ( as much) any more. The married man has good reason to end it- the single man doesn't.

My married man's wife gave him the choice- in front of me, 'You have to choose' she told him. He chose her. Yes, she had left him- but she came back and whilst she was away he did confide in me about their marriage had been bad and he did lie to me for months after she'd returned and he didn't dare tell me because he knew he'd lose me. He lied to both of us- her when he was seeing me, or scurrying off to a phone box on the pretext of a 'walk' ( long before anyone had mobiles) and lying to me when he had to cancel our dates last minute ( because he couldn't get away from the family.) I even once called all the local hospitals and police when he stood me up once night - so don't tell me I haven't been on the receiving end of lies.

I even once called all the local hospitals and police when he stood me up once night

Because it was a LDR and he was driving a very long way in appalling snow/ bad weather- or would have been if he'd actually set off !

ChristAllFuckingMighty, he did a proper number on you, OP, and you fell for it massively. Such hackneyed cliches, one after the other.

Lick your wounds in private, try and pick up your discarded pieces of self respect, ignore the Master Bullshitter and get on with your life.

I know deep down you are all right and I want to believe I have been fed a classic 'script' but I was under the impression that it was less complex than him being some kind of cheating master of manipulation - I bought into the fact that he was a normal man who got married but fell in love with someone else. Doesn't that happen all the time?

He went on and on about wanting to be with me and even initiated in depth conversations about how i would feel being a 'stepmum' to his dcs (not great!) and that he didn't want more children (I have none) so how would I feel about that. In my heart of hearts I believed it all to be true - that he genuinely wanted to be with me. I was the one backing off most of the time.

Also, he didn't say 'he' would always be there, aside from the initial slip (message/calls one week into NC) he is doing great at no contact. He said 'I' am always there whenever he does anything with his wife and he can't switch the feelings off. That was the last message. I have deleted and blocked him but know his email by heart which isn't great in times of weakness.

Typing this out and re-reading it makes me cringe with embarrassment at my own foolishness.

I am not surprised, love. You have been massively played.

All this, for one man ? No man is this good, seriously. What do you need to do to get a better relationship with yourself so that you realise none of this was worthy of you ?

I've been where you are OP. It's hard and it's shitty. Going NC is a killer at first but it does get easier and I finally feel healed after 9 months (in fact I'm going on a date with a single guy this week). You may know his email address off by heart but you can block him which won't allow you to send an email either.

It certainly hasn't affected my self esteem. In my situation his OH never found out about me so I fully expect him to be unfaithful to her again in the future - she is actually the OW who he left his wife for! I thought I was 'the one'. I wasn't. The only true love of his life is himself. Unfortunately I was played and so were you. But time is a great healer and you can and will move on from this. PM me is you want to talk x

Let's face it, the reason why it's the oldest line in the book is that it works. It wouldn't be a cliché if everyone saw through it first off. You aren't the first perfectly sensible and intelligent woman to be played for a fool in this way, and you sure as hell won't be the last. Cut yourself some slack, chalk it up to experience, and stay away from that email!

Of course it works

OW have been dropping their knickers all over the land for these lines since Time Began

Best that they all wake the fuck up before they get to this point, but it's not going to happen any time soon. It seems they have to learn the hard way