Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

[redundantandbitter]

Ikea do a little box of tools. It's been all
I need so far. I know where it is, organised Allen (?) keys and glue etc and made sense of the shit tip my kids dad left in the cellar. I learnt how to turn stop cocks off and top up the pressure in the boiler.

I found a female plumber to replace my shower and even had an engineer chat me up one day! (Though exp was still my DP at the time). ITs liberating - honestly. Small steps hun

[Whatnext074]

springytick - I like the idea of volunteering over the 'C' break, have always considered it in the past. I think I'll look into that.

bluesky - I need a pink tool bag. My H has left all his tools here, he had absolutely everything you can imagine and about 5 huge tool boxes but I don't know what any of them do and don't want to go through them.

Some of the things that have gone wrong need a tradesman to fix but I'm trying to put that off due to cost at the moment. Also, I don't want to be in this house so the least I can do, the better.

My H should have got my solicitor letter by now, am trying to keep myself occupied today to stop myself wondering what his reaction / next move will be.

[redundantandbitter]

Ok, don't be anxious about the letter. You can't manage how he reacts but he may but have even opened it yet. If he contacts you don't respond immediately. Wait overnight and contact your solicitor next week if necc.

I can't believe he left all his tools behind.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Be prepared that he won't contact you regarding the letter, you may just hear from his sol now.

Yes yesto the pink tool belt....it'll match your pink laptop :)

[Whatnext074]

I know he won't contact me, he'll go through a solicitor. One of the questions that was asked was whether he intends to move in with OW, makes a difference to a settlement. I suppose that's the answer I'm dreading getting.

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

I dont even like pink - it was mainly to stop DH putting them in his van I cant say ive needed anything that wasnt in this

I would imagine his solicitor would advise him to say he is not moving in with OW - of course you cant trust much that he says, just keep taking one day at a time.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Bluesky...every woman should have one! Love it :)

Yes whatnext, he might say he isn't moving in with her even if he's not. It'll be awful for you each time you get a letter until you become more used to it and until you're more used to this situation.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Even if he is I meant....

[Whatnext074]

bluesky - I need that, thanks for the link.

I'll never know the truth, it hurts. We were always honest with each other. He's ruined all my trust in people.

He's a stranger but so am I - I don't know who I am anymore and I feel crushed. I'm trying everything but it's a long, hard road to any kind of recovery.

Felt so utterly sad for so long and small things I do help for a short burst of strength but then the feeling goes and I am heartbroken again, I'm sorry x

[mammadiggingdeep]

The short bursts will get longer though whatnext. Promise. Don't apologise for how u feel. You're heartbroken- no apology or justification needed.

I hope in time you'll feel that one person breaking your trust hasn't meant that you've lost your faith in everybody. Think of your lovely ds and lovely db's...you'd trust them wouldn't you? Yes, you're not sure who you are at the moment...you'll get yourself back over the weeks and months. Slow and steady won the race.

Hugs to you- hope you're ok this evening.
X

[cjel]

That sounds horrid WHAT, Its so sad that people can be so cruel to each other isn't it? I don't understand how they can do you?

I can't say it enough times that it gets better, My heart feels broken every few weeks now but the genuine times of laughter and happiness are getting more and more. Hang in there my lovelyxx

[Whatnext074]

I bought a pink tool kit x

Very emotional, what a mess.

[itwillgetbettersoon]

What - it does get easier but it is still early days. You will cry but it will get less.

A pink tool kit -sounds fab! I'm reluctant to do anything to my house at the moment as I'm not sure if it will have to be sold. But then it isn't a good way to live so infact I might decorate my bedroom this winter - will keep me busy.

Would you consider going somewhere hot for xmascwith your son? Do something completely different?

[Whatnext074]

Thank you. Can't go anywhere as my new nephew is due next month and need to stay close. I'm not saying that what happened to my precious niece will happen to him but I couldn't go away as I would worry.

My H wants the house on the market in January so I can't really do much in the house, is hard as I'm surrounded by memories and we were so close and valued the weekends together.

I don't want to stay in the house but am stuck at the moment until I decide on what to do about divorce.

[redundantandbitter]

Hi what.. Just checking in. I know you're heart is broken. I guess you have to listen to all the other broken hearted people out there and believe them when they say it gets better.. A little up and a little down....it's a f'ing rocky road, I am sorry he let you down but he didn't deserve you and he's a different person now. You are detaching and it's hard.

You are doing so well just to be honest and post on here, let it out. Tomorrow will be better, you get to see the new baby!

Pink tool kit #envy!

[springytick]

Keep going, lovely. Your son needs you - and, from the sound of it, a lot of people love you.

I like mamma's phrase 'slow and steady won the race'. Some days and times are awful - but they pass. This too shall pass. It really always does.

I don't know if this is any help, but when I'm going through a tough time it helps me if I think of all the many people in the world who are going through the same. I feel compassion for them and a camaraderie, egging us all on.

Keep going, precious. Day (hour, minute, moment) at a time xxx

[cjel]

I rented for 6 months while he left house to rot so I told him I wanted to move back to get it ready and sell. I did and the day before I moved in he started threatening- house on market today or I will do it etc.. I had taken two lodgers with the idea of using their money to spend on repairs.He started saying their 'rubbish' had to be removed from house and if not by certain time he would come and put it on drive!!! It was a nightmare, I spent 5000 doing all the things he should have done over the years - we built it, it was only 8 yrs old but full of settlement cracks etc, the shower leaked so he taped a shower curtain to the walls and didn't clean it for 6 months!!! Had to have shower taken out, retiled and replaced!!!

He can't make you sell your home, I have another friend that has had a court order for 2 years to make her ex sell but he still won't. So don't worry that things will happen that you aren't ready for.

I would advise that you do as much as you can to make the house ready to sell though, I got 100,000 more than agents said it was worth when he left it , on the first viewing on the first day on the market!!!

I didn't go for pink tool kit I bought friends recommended Makita drill driver kit!! Its been the envy of many a workman

Hope today is easier for youxx

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

Yeah DH warbles on about Makita and Ryobi lots I would have lost something like that into his van, it had to be something he definately couldnt take on site. Can imagine the grief he would have suffered if he had turned up with pink tools

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

Honestly what I have been on quite a few of these threads over the year, under different names.

Some of my friends felt devastated, discarded and couldnt imagine life without their OH. I told them all the same you may want this man in your life, but you do not need him - sometimes it is better for your wellbeing to let a relationship go.

Every single friend is now in a better place, new men, new jobs, new families - it is wonderful to see how well they are doing - it doesnt happen immediately but you will get there.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Hey what,
How are you doing this evening?

X

[Whatnext074]

bluesky - thank you so much, I needed to hear that. I will get there little by little.

Saw my beautiful new niece today, had lots of cuddles with her and my other niece. Really helped to see H's DB too, I thought it would be hard but it helped. They are very supportive. My H saw them earlier this week and didn't say a word, held his niece for a very short time and then sat turned away looking at the wall. His DB hasn't got much time for him but when I said I still think my H is having a breakdown, he said he thinks that too. My H had a week off work and I imagined all kinds of thins like he was going away with OW but he stayed at his parents all week. I don't know what's going on, probably never will but I am worried my letter will send him over the edge. I said before that I wanted him to feel my pain but I don't wish badness for him. I realise he doesn't want my help but I just keep thinking of my vows - I didn't break them and I still stand by them. It's so sad, silly man. If he's having a breakdown, nobody can help unless he wants help.

I realise now that I am stronger than him, I know it's not a game or a competition but I know I will be okay (eventually), I have to be. I don't wish him pain.

[springytick]

I'm really not convinced he is having a breakdown. A storm of some kind, if you like; an 'I'm going to have a completely new life and dump the old one' - which may or may not be a grief reflex - but I really don't think he is having a breakdown. He has seen an opportunity and he has taken it is the way I see it.

I am concerned at your guilt, whatnext. Fear Obligation Guilt (FOG) are often present within a controlling/abusive dynamic. I really don't see what you have to feel guilty about - you were always true, always the same. It is he who has gone over to the dark side. If he has to suffer the consequences of that then so be it.

Your solicitor's letter is to protect you . If it makes him feel bad then that's too bad.

I fear he has got you feeling sorry for him.

[itwillgetbettersoon]

I thought my STBXH was having a breakdown. I made him a GP appointment which he attended after throwing his toys out of the pram. He came back and said that the GP felt that he was stressed but that it was inevitable considering the decisions he had made in such a short time have an affair, leave his wife and children etc etc. GP did not believe he was depressed.

I think this is how your H is. Very stressed and probably full of guilt but not depressed. Anyway being depressed still doesn't excuse the appalling way our Hs treated as after the affairs came to light.

You are strong. Keep taking small steps you are doing wonderfully.

[redundantandbitter]

So pleased you went to see the new baby and that you were welcomed, as you should be.

Please don't feel so concerned about your h's feelings. He's got OW and his parents to look out for him.

The letter is just one of those things that he's going to have to get used to. Sure he will be sending one to you in response.

You have really struggled to cope over the past couple of months and you've been really strong. You need your energy for you and your lovely DS. I guess you still care deeply about him. It's hard to switch off but don't give him too much of your heart space .

Work tomorrow?

[Whatnext074]

You're right, it's probably guilt. I have to keep remembering that he hasn't even said sorry to me, he can't even look at me.

I need to look after me x

Yes, work tomorrow - with my arse of a manager!