Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

I mean guilt on his part, not mine. Same with the pain in his side.

His 'pain in his side' is his issue. You said it yourself , he never even said sorry.

You look after you, hopefully you will sleep well and can disassociate from the gossipy types at work tomorrow. You boss been any better?

No, she's still an arse. I hate working with people who are so unprofessional. Hate gossip, especially when it's hurtful towards others. Never say anything that you wouldn't want to say to someone's face and I always think if they're saying stuff like that to me about somebody then chances are they are saying it to others about me.

He has to reply to the letter within 14 days so I will know a bit better where I stand then.

It's a challenge to stay out of the gossip loop but sounds like you are doing a good job. Keep your head above water and keep an eye out for other positions.

Is there any way you can shadow someone in another dept or get a secondment for a while? Breathing space? Just a thought, hope you don't mind me suggesting.

Maybe your boss will leave/disappear/get fired. These things have a habit if happening... Fingers crossed x

No opportunities at the moment and need to stay in my job for now as my future in my personal life is so uncertain (financially). It is on my list though.

My boss will never leave, earns too much money and has no other skills that anyone would consider beneficial, been there since time began.

I'll just concentrate on getting my day done, this won't be my life forever and I quite like the fact that I sit next to her and now think of her as an arse as someone suggested.

Same here. Head down. Plod on. Need the money etc.

Something else will come up for you when the time is right, maybe me too, I believe it.

Night what another weekend over x

I'm glad you enjoyed seeing your new niece, and that seeing H's brother was easier than you had anticipated.

Is there anything you can do to switch off for a while, WhatNext? It sounds as if you are going over and over things in your mind (perfectly understandable, btw), and that there is no "breathing space" in your head? It's a shame you can't even lose yourself in your work, because your boss is being difficult.

I was thinking about what you were saying about Christmas - not sure if funds allow, but what about taking ds for a Christmas in a hotel somewhere? You wouldn't need to do any cooking, you'd be away from the familiar environment, which might help with pushing the memories away on the day.

Hope that your week at work goes better than last week - I'll be thinking of you .

Hey WhatNext - wishing you continued health and strength. Im not surprised at whats happened to your H, to be honest. Just remember whether or not he is having a breakdown, YOUR emotional and physical health is also important and youve had to find the courage to keep going when you were left alone. When he thought he had better than you, he left you and all the love, care and loyalty you stood for as his wife. So, look after yourself and look out for yourself 1st. Its the best way. In a way its to be expected that seeing your H as a broken man would upset you - this is the man you had a relationship with, after all. Just dont forget about you, and the way you've come through a traumatic situation.

Despite all you've been through Ive seen you on other threads, advising others with relationship problems. You're a good person, and whatever happens you deserve good in your life. For people to see you as you are, and appreciate you. As your H has very probably found, the grass isnt always greener and goodhearted, loyal people arent so easy to find. Be good to yourself its quite inspirational that you've come on here and talked about your situation step by step. It could be of help to others. Good for you.

Thank you so much. I slept terribly, couldn't get it all out of my head but then I see your post and it really has given me strength.

have been away for a few days and have just caught up. Just keep on keeping on what. There is no other answer. Each day happens whether you want it to or not and nothing changes, so you have to face each day and take it on.

That's what I told myself anyway....... It does get better. Once you get past the initial hurt and confusion. Don't try to make sense of anything , because you never will and you will drive yourself mad trying, I nearly did.

Hey what...

How you doing today? Hope the manager wasn't too much of an arse today. Hope you've managed to be strong and feeling ok.

X

?Please help me deal with my guilt

My H contacted me tonight as he got my solicitor letter, he said I didn't need to get solicitors involved as we could have sorted it out between ourselves. I said he wouldn't talk to me when I asked and he said we would talk when it wasn't so emotional. I told him he left me no choice, he has told me to move on and I need to sort out finances in order to do that.

I asked him to stop 'rubbishing' our marriage as I have heard from some members of his family that he is saying leaving me was long overdue - he denies saying this yet he told me tonight that things weren't right between us for about 3 years. He's a good actor then as before he went crazy in June, I never doubted his love for me, we were so close.

He said the OW was just bad timing and even if it wasn't for her, he would have left me as he doesn't love me - as far as I know, he's still with her although he wouldn't answer when I asked, he just said he spends every night on his own. It hurt so much to hear him say her name. He sobbed and sobbed and said it hurts him that I believe what others are saying - even though he said the same to me on the phone tonight. He was crying so much, said he was going to 'f*ck himself up' to end his pain and hung up. This is not language that he uses. I couldn't get hold of him again and eventually I did and he cried and said he wants his pain to end, he can't bear the thought of me thinking he is trashing our marriage. He can't see what he's doing at all!!

I spoke to him calmly, like a child, asking how he was and what he's been up to, he was responsive until he suddenly said, "I'm not a child, don't speak to me like I am".

I asked him what he meant when he said he was going to end his pain and he said he can't take it anymore and I will make him f*uck himself up and end his pain and hung up again.

He text me saying he hasn't said anything bad about our marriage and he can't bear me thinking that. I couldn't hold my anger after him telling me the same and then denying it and told him that I have no respect for him anymore and his justifications for his disgusting behaviour is no concern of mine anymore.

I have just received a text simply saying, I'm sorry.

Thing is, he has never threatened suicide before. He is a broken man, I have never heard him like that before and I am so worried now that I have pushed him over the edge. If he does anything stupid, it's on my head. I haven't replied, what do I do?

I have no experience here, but from MPOV, he has got himself into this situation and I cannot see that you have any responsibility now, well, ever really.

If you are seriously concerned I would contact a family member who he is close to who could possibly help.

And also, IMO, you do need to get solicitors involved. You absolutely have to protect yourself and your situation.

I am sure others will give you much more accurate advice.

Maybe I am cynical, my Ex did not want me to involve solicitors, but I suspect that was because he knew he could manipulate me, oh, and I also had the threats and the attempts. Looking back I can clearly see it as more attempts to manipulate me. Please, if you think he is serious, call 101, otherwise disengage.

Thank you, he is only close to his parents, he seems to have lost everyone else. I was so close to contacting them but they don't like me for making him this way so I didn't contact them.

He is unstable, I've never known him like this before, if he does something it will be on my head.

He hasn't threatened suicide this time. he has said he is going to ....himself up to end his pain'

Try not to think about hat he is saying to you at all. I know its not easy, I've heard about my H's life again tonight and it made me cry so don't worry about being upset,

He isn't being very nice to you and I'd be tempted to reply that he is behaving like a child and to reply to the solicitor.

It is well known that they don't like us taking control and the solicitors letter is quite often a trigger for them to get weird.
Don't reply. let someone else deal with him. Send BIL a text if you have to do something but I think that you haven't done anything wrong, you need to get your finances sorted and could wait years if you leave it until hes ready. None of this is 'on your head' hes brought it on himself and his 'pain' is his to deal with.

Take care of yourself and try to go to bed and put some music on or read, Stay calm and try and think you haven't had the conversation. He will be getting on with his life by now and got over his tantrumxxxx

Please What don't worry too much. My ex did the same said he was going to jump off a train platform. I told him that if he said it again I would call the police as it wasn't on. I'm sure it is guilt. He told me my texts to him were sending him over the edge - I thought I was helping him. Once I went no contact the suicide threats soon stopped and my ex is still with the OW - so in reality he knew what he was doing.

Take care and look after yourself. You are so important . Hugs

Honestly. It will NOT be on your head. No way! Stop thinking this way now.

It was his choice to get involved with another woman. If he now cannot deal with the fallout then that is not your fault. No one would expect you to forgive him if you are not able to.

I text him asking if he meant it and if I don't hear from him I will have to call the police to check on him. Do I do it if he doesn't reply?

I'm sorry what, I don't have experience of this. But his threats of self-harm seem to follow "the script" which I've seen mentioned on here before. There's a great thread about "the script", I'm hoping a wiser Mner will be along soon to link to it.

Remember though, that this is of his doing - nothing on your head. Were you the one who left, who was callous and cruel unnecessarily? His verbal diarrhoea makes me , he's great at offloading his anguish onto you, but not so receptive when you need to offload to him?

He might not be conscious of it, but it sounds as if he doesn't like to have the control taken from him - therefore maybe his behaviour is getting more extreme to try and get some sort of expected reaction from you?

Also (and this is important!)... Your h doesn't get to choose whether or not solicitors are involved. If you believe it's the best way, then it's the best way. What's best for you and ds, remember? Please put yourself first!

Take care.

Thank you so much.

I tried calling him and it rung out.

Bastard has just text me saying he's okay and he was asleep!

I hate what he's doing to me. I take control, then I give it straight back to him. I'm so stupid!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

I hope that works! Read the opening post What - I've only skimmed it, apologies - but you might find it resonates x

What, I just read that post. Your h appears to be following the script rather accurately, I think!

Yes Zhx3, I agree totally. Apart from the therapy and the children, that is my life. Thanks, I feel a bit calmer now and I will try not to fall for it again.

myroom - if he threatens it again I will call 101, thanks x