Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

Cjel...just wondered that...is he a MNetter...next time whatnext, look behind the desk and see if he's wearing gold hot pants!!!!

Glad you haven't text him whatnext. Just imagine the shit feeling if you didn't hear a reply. It even worse if he puts back 'thanks'. Then what? There's no point to it...I know how frustrating it is though.

Do you have plans this weekend?

Hey...just thought of another new name...the return of sparkly eyes...or sparkly eye returns?? Glad you're getting your sparkle back. What's that saying?? You can't keep a good girl down....

Hugs and a high five for another day done and closer to your happiness....
X

Thanks mamma - I'm going to see my BIL and SIL (H's DB). They've just had a baby and are appalled at the way we've been treated. Looking forward to seeing them.

My H saw them this week and didn't say a thing at all, just sat there and looked a mess to them too but they (sadly) have no time for him. He has lost so much. My BIL said he'll always be there for me and DS.

Because DD is only 5, I do have to acknowledge XH's birthday for her as she is too young to do it herself, so I got her to make a card so I don't have to buy one. Then I bought some sweets in a tube reduced to 82p and left the price tag on and she gave them to him

My mum said that I was being mean.....

Appropriate, I would've thought, skye.

... just sat there and looked a mess to them too but they (gladly) have no time for him

Delurking...I had finally finished reading your other thread, whatnext, when it ran out, so glad you have another one started.

I agree with the advice everyone has given, keep going, and try not to look back. It is hard, I know, and very easy to say. But looking back will serve no good purpose, so I hope you can perhaps put it in a category of a "bad habit"?and try to break it with a healthy new habit....maybe a hundred new ways to cook a pasta dish .

The only other thing I can think of that has not been mentioned is that you need to be careful with alcohol consumption while you are on ADs. It will seem a paradox, that at the time when a nice glass would be exactly what you want/need, however it really will intensify your emotions and that may be part of what you experienced last Saturday night.

Take care and hug your son. I have a 20 yo son who is very kind and caring too, they are just (words fail) special.

springytick - It is so very sad but I am glad they still want to keep in touch with me and don't want to be middle men. It will be had for me to hold a baby s it might bring back so many memories for my lost ones but I am truly happy for them. It helps that they are supportive of me and DS as none of the rest of his family have mentioned my DS in all this.

band - [congratulations on finishing my other thread, it was a bit long] I need to read it again to remind myself of how far I've come, I started a couple of days ago but couldn't bear it but I know I have had the most helpful advice.

I know that drinking really made me feel down on Saturday. My friend actually said that she preferred that I was able to cry so much and getting a little drunk in a safe environment with people who cared about me was a good thing. She said she would be more worried if I held my emotions in. I felt awful the next day so won't be doing that for a while. Haven't done it for years! Although one of my friends has been avoiding me since but I can't worry about that too on top of everything else.

Hi Phoenix! You're GP sounds like a very understanding guy! Is he single???

Well done for not texting HB, I know all too well how hard it is not to. But it's best to plod on with your evening just like any other.

It's good that his Brother is still in touch with you and supportive . Sounds like he's not swallowing your h's crap excuses reasons for leaving.

skye my birthday is a few days after Father's Day. I sent my DDs to their dads for the weekend armed with a present and two cards. They came back and were both a bit put out when, on my birthday morning, they realised he hadn't bothered to give them something to give me. They are only 4 and 8. They made me lots of ad hoc cards. When they spoke about it he says he'd forgotten. We were living together for 17 yrs !!!

Hope you are ok this evening, thinking of you. Post on here when you need x

He doesn't wear a wedding ring but, he knows too much about me...

Lol at your gp knowing too much about you!!

Glad you are still in touch with h's db. I'm sure he'll tell you how twuntishly his b is acting which will make you feel lots better.

Are you still aching for a baby? I ask as someone who has lost three babies & my overriding instinct each time was to get & stay pregnant. I had my ds who is 17 months old when I was nearly 43. There is a whole new world out there for you What, when you are ready.

Morning whatnext...

I second what mummy says...a whole world waiting for you once you've found your feet.

Glad you have some nice plans at weekend and SO pleased his bro and sis in law have said that they'll be there for you- so important.

I hope work has been bearable- one more day to get through...at least at the weekend you can rest a bit more and have some down time.

Hope you have a good day...
X

Thank you x

Got through yesterday, bad night but I didn't give in and contact.

Well done!

Sorry you had a bad night and hope you're ok at work today. Week-end coming (repeating what mamma said) xx

Morning, Sorry night was bad - at least the day has gone now!! Its unsettling having contact, I've heard about what hes been up to a few times this week and its a strange feelingx

You have a lovely weekend to look forward to and only a few hours toget through before it

Hi whatphoenixnext - glad you got through the day. The next birthday willnot be half as bad. It's always the first high-days/holidays that are the worse. Birthdays, christmas, mothers day, anniversary - get through the first year and it's easier after that. Not saying it's going to take a year - but it will get easier!

Have a lovely weekend!

Hi what. Phew - the birthday has passed and bloody well done for not contacting. I know how very very hard it was for you to NOT to say happy birthday. It goes against your nature which is thoughtful and kind. I hate it when people say this to me .. But it's true... It's his loss. i bet you any money it was his worst birthday ever.

Friday today - tonight you can rest and hopefully sleep better. X

Well done .

Get lots of things planned for the weekend even if it is going to the library and getting a manicure. Perhaps watch a couple of DVDs that you have wanted to watch. I'm meeting a friend for afternoon tea tomorrow which is something I've never done before. X

Well done for getting through the birthday with no contact :)

We were in mid split when it was my exs birthday and I did all the usual stuff. When it came to mine a few months later I got a card/pressie.

As others have said all the big stuff is hard - I went away for what would have been our wedding anniversary.

Christmas is still at the planning stage but it will be different and just me and my two. He has decided to spent his with OW rather than his children - they over heard the conversation and now know where they feature in his priorities :(

Have a good weekend with you family - glad they are sticking by you - after all you've done nothing wrong xx

Hi What. I posted on the other thread as Susanalbumparty.

You sound like you are moving in the right direction and I wish you lots of strength.

With regard to returning to work, I am sorry your manager is being such a dork. They should be supportive and I think that only taking two weeks (considering how down you were) was pretty impressive. I hope things look up on the work front but if you think they are being unreasonable pop over to the employment issues board here on mumsnet. There is some good advice over there.

Thank you for the advice rantin, I might do that. Think being back at work this week has really got me down again. I know I need a new job but need to make sure I'm in the right frame of mind first. I can't take the nastiness and gossip.

I've been so sad, difficult week with the birthday and also he will be getting my solicitor letter tomorrow - I know he won't contact me but it's all very real now.

Also, there are so many little things going wrong in the house that I don't know how to fix as he always did them, it's just getting me down.

I can't bear to think about Christmas but everybody seems to mention it every day now, if it wasn't for my DS, I'd just stay in bed until it was over. We always made it so special together.

I can't stop wondering how he is and what he's doing and I know it's not helping me at all. I've tried distractions but it's always there.

I'm looking forward to seeing BIL and SIL but hope that it doesn't set me back. They don't want to talk about H but his DB does look like him.

I'm sorry that you are having a tough week, I would say don't give up on the distractions- some work and some don't , but they do pass the time and it really will get less painful. Hope you have a good time with B and sil, I used to see one of my SILs but found out she was friends with me and OW so I don't see her so much now. I used to like seeing her but felt so confused afterwards. Its hard isn't it. Accept that this christmas won't be your best and try thinking of one thing at a time as far as the house things go. How many of hem really need doing now and how many could you leave - that sort of thing.
Hope you have a good nightxx

Morning whatnext...

Hope you got some sleep...

Last Xmas was the lead up to my split with ex. Things were awful, he was treating me so badly. I was dreading Xmas and spoke to my sis about it. Her advice was what I'd say to you too. Keep it in perspective- it really is just 2 days with one special dinner. It doesn't have to be anything amazing, don't put pressure in yourself. Do you have an idea of what you want to do? Could you chill out with ds and then go to family for dinner, returning in evening? Boxing Day you could do something different- go to a show, the sales, out to a pub and a walk...just keep it low key.

Whatever you do it will help if you just think of it as just 2 days off of work. I know it's hard though my lovely- I had trouble getting through the summer bank holidays this year. Had a meltdown in the park seeing other families with their daddies with them. Am ready for our first Xmas just me and my dd's though...

Hope you are feeling ok this morning and that you have good day
X

I volunteer at a homeless shelter over christmas - I look forward to it every year, it really is the best and I always have a fabulous time: I really enjoy it. yy I know it's not all about me but it's a win/win for all concerned. I hate to say it but it does put things into perspective, too, iyswim: we have a lot to be grateful for, despite our circs. I meet some amazing people - clients, staff and volunteers. Perhaps you and your boy could do that? Even if you do a few shifts it gives you a focus.

re the stuff going wrong in the house. I know what you mean about the panic when things go wrong, especially if you don't have much money. I've become a DIY fiend - most things are dead easy to sort out. Google the problem or ask at your nearest DIY shop, who are always happy to give suggestions ime. Even B&Q are helpful if you can get there. Is your boy 'handy'?

What, libraries do manicures these days? Wow!!

Hi what sorry it's an up and down week. You have done so well, ESP his birthday. Yes, Xmas is coming but now's your chance to do something different if you fancy ..or just have a very quiet time in pyjamas with the TV and chocs. No will will know what you do. You and your ds could ho visit someone on Boxing Day? It will be hard. Last Xmas day was the first Xmas my exp managed to make it to my house. It wasn't till 11pm as he had to work but he made it ... Just. So I be alone too. What are you up to today hun?

what tons of things went wrong in my
House the minute the DDs dad moved out. Burst water pipe in bathroom
In middle of night, wrecked my lighting etc. things kept breaking. It was horrible. I just did one thing at a time. Asked friends for plumbers ,electricians, builders etc. it was painfully slow but you can do anything you know. It's not as hard as you think. You sound clever and organised - one thing at a time. X

This week was going to be difficult but you did well in the face of adversity didnt you?

I hope things go well for you this weekend.

You tube is a godsend when it comes to small DIY jobs - to be honest a lot of them could be done by a trained monkey its just having the confidence to do them.

It always drove me crazy that if my brother needed something done my Dad showed him how but if I did he did it for me. I wanted to be able to do things for myself (obviously I leave electrics and plumbing well alone) Now Im married to a tradesman so he never gets round to anything at home - I have my own pink toolbag, so he doesnt nick my tools, and quite often get my hammer out I also kept putting a bradawl on my Christmas and birthday list...no one would buy me one so I bought it myself in the end