Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

No one forced him to make these hurtful decisions did they? Gut feeling he is crying for himself if you feel that sympathy creeping in deep breath count to 10, think about what you need to do for you to be happy (did he show you consideration and sympathy when you called him in the night?)

Will the other relationship or career be going well if he is that much of a mess, is the "sharing grief" a solid basis for a long term relationship - I suspect not.

Giving you a talking to after you have been signed off is treading on extremely dodgy ground legally and its a sign of how much of an emotionally stunted unprofessional f*ckwit she is not to know this. Employers have ended up in court over behaviour like this. A diary is a great idea if you are up to it.

Could it be he is in this state because things aren't going well with OW?

Maybe it is her he is pining for at the moment.

You'll probably never know what's going on in his head.

Focus on you and your future! You're doing so well!

I agree that he's crying for himself. Hes done a shitty, shitty thing and the bottom line is that he feels sorry for himself. He wants to look like a good guy - and what he's doe isnt the actions or behaviour of a good guy. So he weeps and looks haggard to show hes a good guy underneath. Poor, poor him

P-l-e-a-s-e dont feel sorry for him.

Incensed to hear that he's 'upset' that you believe your family's account of what he's been saying. How dare he. He has repeatedly lied to you and now calls your integrity into question

So glad I've found you at last! Ive been searching for you! Im so glad youre posting again.

Your boss sounds like that woman boss in Bridget Jones. I agree that telling you confidential stuff about another employee is a big no-no. Also comparing your hideous situation to hers and that youre 'lucky'. Silly cow. I do sincerely hope this bites her on the bum and it is she who gets into hot water over this, which she should do.

Could it be he is in this state because things aren't going well with OW?

Maybe it is her he is pining for at the moment

I never thought of it that way, I know it's doing me no good at the moment to be wondering why he's such a mess right now but I can't help it, I really hope that isn't the case.

Trying not to contact him, it's his birthday today - need to be strong.

Please stop feeling sorry for him what. If he is in this state and pining, who's fault is that? Well, not yours. It's his and his alone. And as springy says, he spent no time at all thinking about you and your state, when you were at your lowest.

It's his birthday? Be strong. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't phone/text/think about you on yours.

He's made his bed. He must lie in it

Morning What, Hope you can feel a bit brighter today. This will be the worst birthday of his you have to get through, one more tough day passed. I found that although it is a struggle distraction really does help on days like this, if you are otherwise occupied you can pass time and then its bedtime and you can cry yourself to sleep if you have to .

You are heading the right way and hopefully you will be finding by now it isn't in your head 24hours a day and you are getting times when you think of other things.

How revolting that he's saying it isn't an affair but a relationship as you and he are finished. re-writing history a bit there

So mr good guy doesnt like the look of himself leaving his wife suddenly, to whom he was devoted till death do us part, and getting together with another woman. So he re-jigs it to make it look honourable.

We all know it wasnt, isn't and never will be honourable and kosher and all above board. It wasn't above board and never was (and never will be).

Hold on darling. Don't contact him. He has been unbelievably cold and cruel towards you. You dont need to wish him a HB.

Hi What - if he is having a breakdown I'd bet any money that the affair and the leaving is a symptom of it not the cause. You stated that you have both had a traumatic time - people don't always deal with that in straightforward ways. But he has chosen his coping strategies and it isn't your fault that they are utterly toxic and destructive to him and everyone around him.

You don't have to stop caring about him you just have to care about yourself first and foremost xx

I know it will be a massive struggle but try not to contact him on his birthday - it will be horrendously difficult I know

If he contacts you today try not to acknowledge its his birthday, its not the end of the world if you do but long term you would be glad that you didnt acknowledge it as it will continue to underline that you are getting stronger and moving on without him.

I agree with Omirion his horrendous behaviour is most likely a symptom of him not coping emotionally rather than the cause of the breakdown. As you have been so close to the edge you cant worry about him you have to cope on making yourself stronger. Your son needs you, even if he is an adult, I was seriously worried you were going to harm yourself the first night I saw your last thread.

Hold on darling. Don't contact him - I'm going to remember these words today x

OrmirianResurgam - I agree with what you say totally.

bluesky - Sadly I didn't think i'd make it through the night (and some nights after). I hope that I never get to that stage again, you're right, my son does need me. When I saw how upset he was last Friday, it reminded me how much he depends on me.

A friend at work has just commented that my eyes look sparkly, that made me smile as when I have looked in the mirror all I've seen is dullness in my eyes.

Please please please don't contact him!!!

what it may not be an affair now, as yes you are separated, but it was an affair while you were together! The bloke is just twisting words to make himself look and feel better. Ignore it!

Ignore his birthday too. It is hard though, I know. XH had a birthday a few weeks after leaving and it was so odd, not to give him a card.

I honestly believed that my XH was having a breakdown, because who the hell just walks out with no warning?! None of it made sense, until I came onto MN for help and as soon as I mentioned the thousands of texts to his mates wife, they all called OW. I tried so hard to see the best in it, because I simply could not believe that he would do that to me.

A mental breakdown due to stress, seems the only logical conclusion when they behave so out of character. But then when you come on MN and hear other people's stories and realise that they usually follow a very similar pattern, it becomes clear that as soon as they get infatuated with OW, they do change beyond recognition.

You have come so far, since your first cry for help post, which touched so many people on here. Well done and keep on keeping on.

Another one here delurking to say dont feel sorry for him. He is the architect of his future.

He is probably realialising that the grass isnt quite as green as he thought it was and is surprised by how unsettled and stressed he feels. Going from an affair straight into living with someone is not a healthy way to start a relationship. He will be uncomfortable being judged by friends and family and is now trying to get people to feel sorry for him.

Tough Shit. Best to ignore him -go no contact, apart from the odd solicitors letter - you cannot build a new life until you let go of the old, you are getting there, it is a long road of ups and downs, but eventually the sun will come out for you.

I've nothing more to add than it does and will get easier. The lows you've already hit are the lowest you will ever go. Just learn to cope hour by hour. Hugs x

How was work today ? X

I made it through the day, thought of him a lot, wondering what he was doing, whether he'd gone away or whatever as I know he took the week off work. I haven't contacted him and will keep busy tonight so I don't. I was so close to texting 'HB x' and the need to do it has been overwhelming at times but I just imagined him reading it then deleting it.

He will be getting a letter from my solicitor in a couple of days, how awful am I that I am actually worried about pushing him over the edge if he is having a breakdown?! I know he put the phone down on me that Saturday when I was desperate but I can't help it and don't want to cause him distress - I'm not a bad person. He has hurt me so much. I would have helped him but he discarded me and yet I feel bad - what's that about?

Whatnext, please stop thinking about 'poor' him. My ex bf dumped me, tells everyone I'm amazing and how much he still loves me but wants to be alone. He looks terrible and sad all the time to me, he looks sad and pathetic to his mam. His stepdad saw him in the pub laughing and joking like he always was. I think him being the way he is with you is to offload his guilt so you can feel a little bit sorry for him. So don't :) x

You feel bad because you are a decent loving and caring person and cannot just turn off all feelings. This is why we recommend faking it til you make it when it comes to detaching yourself.

The best thing you can do at this stage is to remember he is NOT the man you thought he was, he does NOT care enough about your feelings and does NOT deserve your kindness.

Focus on yourself.

You feel bad because you have compassion and because you are only human.

What you need to remember is the lack of compassion that he showed to you.

Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that you have been thinking of him on his birthday. Sit on your hands and hide that mobile!

Yes - he's not the man I love anymore and I have to keep remembering that if I met him now, I probably wouldn't look twice at him. I need to remember that.

I saw my GP tonight and he said he is proud of me and I am a strong, lovely person. He said I will have up days and down days but I will be like a phoenix - made me smile as a few on here suggested I change my name to phoenixrising. Then he prescribed me more pills.......

I had to change the name of my business as it had my married name in it and I didn't want to use that after my divorce. I have used the word phoenix in my business name now :)

You are very strong and you are doing so well. Yes you will be up and down, but gradually the ups will be more and the downs will be less and you will be "normal" again

Agree with miss scatterbrain "fake it, till you make it"

If you start to feel sympathy and worry about him....literally push the thoughts out of your head and replace them with something else - eventually it will become second nature. I'm saying this as i'm someone who is a brooder - I can get stressed over thoughtless comments I made a decade ago, I have had to use this as a way of getting myself over it and moving on.

That GP sounds spooky WHAT Do you think he is aMNer?

I think him being the way he is with you is to offload his guilt so you can feel ... sorry for him

I sooo agree with this. I took out 'a little bit' from Stupidhead's post because I think he's milking it.

What ever is going on with him is not your concern any more. He made his choice (and couldn't have been more cruel). The consequences are his business.

I was reading something the other day in a broadsheet somewhere (good with my sources, me..) and some famous bloke (...) was saying how 'all men like to think they can reinvent themselves and shake off the old and established in a moment'. I had to read it twice because I couldnt believe what I was reading shame I didn't take the time to find out who said it

I thought of you. And skye. It accounts for your bloke's ridiculous reinvention, skye. The new clothes, the funky persona.

You have to laugh or you'd cry. What prize IDIOTS.

I said that to a friend of mine today that I was faking it until I made it, that's when she said I can't fake the sparkle that is in my eyes today (maybe a few tears made that as I was surrounded by people talking about their Christmas plans).

I doubt he's a MNer - oh, made me wonder now.....maybe that's why he seems so tuned into how I'm feeling!