Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

That's what I keep clinging onto mamma. I've sent no cards and there is no tree up - first year ever.

Next year has to be different. First part will be hard but hopefully I will get a life back x

Of course you will get a life back. A different one- and maybe a better one. Here's to you

I think someone else said the firsts are really hard - you just need to get through them. It's not a quick or easy process but you have already survived worse so you will get there. Just come on and let us know how you are doing, good or bad slowly the good times will get longer and longer.

If you find yourself dwelling on him try to literally push him out of your mind and think of something that makes you feel good.

Bluesky, you have a very good memory of the good advice I've had on my thread.

I'm okay about C/mas as I'll be with family but NYE will be hard, even though H never wanted to do anything and always found it a chore waiting up until midnight and would brush his teeth at 11pm not his tongue so he could go straight to bed at 12.01.

Think I might take a sleeping tablet at 8pm on NYE. However, it is just another day and I have a vey challenging January with mediation and starting divorce proceedings.

I keep trying to remember the advice someone have on here that they have a feeling that the happy ever after will be mine.

NYE is a funny day as really it is no different to any other day. I think a curry, glass of wine is a good option. Just don't treat it differently to any other day as it isn't. Most people are not out enjoying themselves!

I know you're right. Just feel sick that H will be on holiday with OW staying in a lovely hotel and planning their future. Need to stop it, won't do me any good.

Do you know darling What, they will NEVER be happy, its all an illusion, a fantasy, they can never have real happiness on the back of someone elses pain, i truly believe you will come out of this the best person ever, i know you may not but think this now, but darling ,i am in exactly the same situation as you, i have two children as well, and do you know what, i just get up each day, feel shit of course, but keep believing i have a brilliany future, one that isnt tied to him, keep believing What , you wil get there, i am rooting for you love x

Thank you babycow, it's just so up and down and hopefully once I get past this season (which I usually love), I will get better.

How do you cope? So hard with 2 DCs, I did it on my own for 6 years with my DS and it was hard enough but he kept me striving forward.

Thanks for your support, means a lot xx

Hey, what yes, Xmas is another first - but you and DS can do whatever you like, whenever you like . Have you got anything planned for the two of you together? How is he holding up , he's lost someone too and has seen you suffer. He sounds like such a cracking good person.

I'm on my own with 2 Dc's, I love their company just wish they could cook / clean / walk dog I don't see a rosy happy future for me, I just get through each day and hug and kiss them as much as possible because I miss physical contact and feeling warm skin. I know that makes me sound sad. Hope you can sneak a hug or two in with DS.

enjoy the NC and try not to expend any more of your energy on him . High five for the redirection ! (If TNT are delivering to your postcode then he'll need to arrange for an additional redirect with them too!)

Lets hope it rains on his holiday! (Did I really just say that)

Night x

Perhaps the cheer leaders should do a rain dance

I'll say a prayer that makes them eat some dodgy seafood and gives them the trots for a fortnight.

This is a good opportunity for you to draw some kind of line (even a dotted line) under the last few months. With him out of the picture, try and use the time for yourself, for some healing.

Remember that this has been all about him so far and what he wants from life. Now it's your turn to start finding your voice, making choices which are about you, what you want. It will be hard to be selfish but you have got some space to start spreading your wings.

Don't worry about next year, just go a day at a time. I think you will start to find peace over the next two weeks. Focus on family, be courageous when you make decisions and most of all be kind to yourself.

(Oh, and I'll add my wish for dodgy seafood and mosquitoes...)

I agree with above, enjoy your peace while he lies on cold tiled bathroom floor throwing up in toilet

What are you doing this weekend? Did you ever 'lose ' your festive work mug or plan new Xmas rungs with your DS?

Really hope you are resting and recovering x

Am struggling.

Trying to push him out of my thoughts though.

Thanks for your kind words x

I think your low mood is partly driven by the time of year. Its a time of reflection for those of us who have lost someone close - and that means in any way.

All the joy that you are meant to be feeling is drowned out by the past and you just want to feel whole again. Its part of the process and not something to be swept under the carpet. In some ways, embrace it, have your moments then work towards tomorrow being a better day.

He's been part of your life for so long, its hard to forget as you will have reminders all over your home. That person is only a memory now and some of those memories will be good. You didn't imagine them even although he has constructed a different story now. Don't let him take any more away from you.

The weather doesn't help either, but you have your home and your DS. And us! . Take care. x

You are exactly right. Thank you.

I have quite a few things planned over next 2 weeks and will aim to get myself in a better place again.

Sleeping (or lack of) not helping, I feel so tired when I get up and my DS said that most nights he hears me making noises and then screaming, probably through bad dreams. I didn't even realise I was doing that and maybe I need to find ways to switch off. I purposefully don't think of my H before going to sleep and concentrate on other happy things before sleep but clearly it's in my subconscious. My poor DS hearing that.

My darling. Take a feel breath, then head down and plough through til the end of this season. So hard. On January 1st you can exhale...and start your new year. Good riddance to this one- it's been shit for you. 2014 is your year. The year whatnext starts her next chapter.

Christmas is only a few days. Not everyone is having fun. Plenty of people pretending to have fun and forced to spend time with people they don't get along with. Follow that train of thought and you're better off out of it! Quite envious of you having no tree, mines already dropping and looking shit. Another 2 weeks of looking at that and I'll be round the bend!!!!

Sending a hug as always and wishing I could magic your hurt away xx

Thank you as always mamma.

Poor tree xx

Right about now I'm saying poor me- droopy tree, dd2 unwrapping other people's presents and the big shop to do. Is there room at your house what?? I want to escape already!

I tell you what- all round for all of us.

Keep focused my lovely. You can get through it x

Mamma - DDs father left last year and last Xmas my DDs practically begged for a big artificial tree from
B&q - bought a huge one. They love it!!! It's the way forward!

Big hug to you what, what can you do to treat yourself and reinforce the thought that you are a lovely kind funny honest person. Cook something nice, watch a DVD, put done xmas tunes on YouTube and SING, have you got any presents or cards you can deliver ? Good excuse to visit friends and grab a quick chat . It's sunny and md here - do you fancy a walk?

Hope you get past this blip hun

Hey what. I'm not surprised you're struggling, bless you.

What are you doing on the Day? It may be an idea to do something completely different, though not too far from home so you can make an exit if you get overwhelmed. Im thinking of you, these are tough early days.

I also have a droopy tree - but I've only just bought it! Any tips? ie feed it aspirin or something

I wonder if you could take Kalms (regularly, 3 times a day) to calm things down a bit so you get a proper sleep. I find them amazing, does what it says on the tin

Morning what . Have you been reading 'I can mend you're broken heart' book? There's a section on coping with ex. It's stuff you already know - how ex's press your buttons etc - but there's an exercise and technique to help you remain calm when faced with button pressing. I bet you'd master the technique before h gets back from his jolly and you would be armed !

He'll have a rubbish time anyway coz it'll be weird. You can bet your life on it.

Hope you have a nice, stress free day x

Morning What and Ladies

I think I need to get this book - my ex is so very good at button pressing :)

Chin up girls - it will soon be over and we'll be out the other side xxx

Thank you so much for thinking of me. Woke up this morning with the burning feeling again as I actually thought I was back in the marriage I had before all of this and imagined H was downstairs. When I woke up properly and realised, the pain came back again. It was like it was all starting over again. Then I read your messages of support and they really help me.

spring - I'm on beta blockers for anxiety, they help take the edge off and I don't seem to get panic attacks like I was. With regards to your droopy tree I'm the wrong person to ask as I had a plant that was dying, I thought if I poured lucozade on it, it would bring it back to life. Sadly, after a few days, it was covered in mould and fluff!!

I am going to be spending a couple of days with my DB, SIL and nephew and the rest of my family will be visiting theirs too.

R&B - You have reminded me, I have the book in my drawer and I will get it out and read it over the next few days. After my DB left a message for my H, he won't contact me now but hopefully the book will help for when I have mediation next month.

dot - I have heard only good things about the book and the CD with it does help too. I know a lot of ladies on MN have recommended it.

Thank you all xx

Lucozade? Sorry what that made me laugh , will cross plant off your Xmas list!

dot the book isn't as wanky as it sounds. Sometimes it's helpful to read a chapter before bed as it reminds me that all the shitty crap I'm feeling appears to be normal. Which is sad really . Also seeing a relate counsellor helps coz my friends have all moved on a bit and got their own lives and issues.

So, chin up everyone . Glad you have some xmas plans What. Sorry you woke up to a strange morning. Company is the way forward . Can't help but think this time next year will be different.