Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

Have found you again. You had a tough evening yesterday. Hope you are not feeling so cross with yourself now?x

Darling, you most certainly haven't let yourself down. Whilst I agree that its best to try and ignore, nc and rise above I don't personally think there is anything wrong with showing that you are upset occasionally. The way I look(ed) at it (its 3 years later now so different) is that 'I thought my marriage was good and strong and long lasting and just because you didn't, doesn't mean I have to immediately trash it all too and be all fine about things because I'm not'. I didn't articulate this but didn't worry if I was seen to be emotional and devastated for a while because I was and my opinion was walk away from pregnancy losses, me and you son if you want to without a backwards glance but I'm not built that way.

Of COURSE distance distance is the way to go but don't think you have failed something by rising to the eminently risible action of treating you as his secretary.

My ex-H kept having his visa bill sent here (pretty much dead unless he ran out of money or tried to hide things from OW turned GF)..used to occasionally open and occasionally bin. Once I noticed a large charge for what turned out to be a male counselling place in a city different to the one we lived in and then he lived in with OW for a while. Didn't reference at all and -- yes I know this is bad but....- when he was being particularly vile a few months later - said in heat of moment "you should get a refund from the as you are still an asshole"....prob not very wise of me BUT he DID finally change his address after a few years of asking

Huge love - Dolly x

Just found out my H is going on a TWO week holiday with OW, I don't know where.

I am so upset and angry. He has left me in a bad financial situation and I already know he's spending lots of money on expensive hotels and gifts for her and now a 2 week holiday!

He calls me, threatens suicide, plays the hurt, tortured H and all the time he's planning this - I feel sick!

Hey whatnext,

That's totally shit. He is acting in a very selfish, self absorbed way. He is, no doubt about it, an arse.

Please use this to focus yourself on getting a good, fair settlement from him. How DARE he go swanning off on holiday whilst you are recovering from his actions. Am I right in thinking he still needs to pay for running the house? Are you getting enough money from him.

Hope you're ok- take deep breaths. Try not to let it throw u too much. He is an arse, you knew this yesterday. This new info is really just confirmation. I know it hurts.

Hugs...

It hurts a lot!

I've done it again, he just text me saying he's redirected his post but it takes a few days to start. I just text back 'enjoy your holiday!'

I am broken.

Whatever

Please don't give up - you've done so well xxx

Your ex is so like mine and has this habit of trying to bring me down when he knows I am happy. Have decided its part of their EA / dog in manger personality.

Whilst it is hard - not responding is the way forward. Have told mine only to contact me via email now - no more text unless it relates to our children and is urgent.

Agree with the last few others. No reply.

Sit on your hands. Go punch a pillow. Come on here and get these vipers to give you all the sarcastic come backs they can manage.

But

Not one single reply to him.

I know it hurts. Try as hard as you can to get your brain in the zone. Rationalise it. So they're going on holiday. It won't be carefree. He has a divorce hanging over him, just as you do. He has lost respect from his family. He has lost contact with a step son he had help being up from a child to a man. He knows he's been an arsehole. Even if they have a good time- good luck to them. A cheater and a home wrecker. Good one.

You on the other hand, can hold your head up high. You are dignified, behaving with integrity and have a great future ahead of you.

Come on my darling. Dig deep then dig deep some more
Xxxx

Oh what he really is testing you isn't he? It fucking sucks. It really does. You so have my sympathy.

But one thing that my wanker cheating whore visitingex always used to say and practise is NO ANSWER IS THE BEST ANSWER

And he was so right. Nothing you can think of to say will drive hims as INSANE as not replying. NOthing.

So, learn a lesson from my ex, someone who has a fucking gold medal in breaking a heart, and don't reply

(Pity my wanker ex can't follow his own advice and keeps texting eh? Guess what I reply!!)

Strike through fail! maybe because I've just downed a G&T

I know you're all right and I knew that the other night too but I was stupid and I replied and it's done no good other than break me again. I cannot stop crying and my DS has come in from work to see me a wreck again.

He has and continues to hurt me so much!

Oh sweetie you're bound to be up and down still. He knows just what he's doing, playing you like this. Wanker.

I know how hard it is. Have been there.

He can only hurt you because he still has a window into your world my lovely. Email only- through solicitors. Then you never have to feel this low again as a first result if finding something out.

:( I'm so sorry you feel bad. Sending a hug, a tissue and a
X

Thank you.

It was my SIL who told me it was for 2 weeks, she doesn't mean to tell me things to make me upset and I haven't told her it's upset me so much. Just that he asked if he could drop our niece's presents off last weekend as he's going away for 2 weeks. We always used to go away before C/mas. He's living our life with her and they both have plenty of money to do so.

He is right, he is immune to me now. He told my BIL he never wanted children - 2 babies in a memorial garden! My heart is broken.

:(
Maybe they've gone away over Xmas because they're no longer part of their families. They can't very well share Xmas as a couple with their families can they?? That's what I mean- its not as hunky dory as you imagine.

Try, as hard as it is, to focus in YOU not them. You were doing so well. They're fuckers, the pair of them.

Am liking Mamma's thinking - probably a lot of truth in that.

mamma talks sense.

hurts

Oh What, this is so hard for you. I know that it feels he has taken your life, but remember that the good bits in your relationship are still good. I agree with Mama about them both being outcasts. They are trying too hard to be happy.

He's desperate, desperate to make this work... meals, hotels, presents, holidays. It's like a fast track relationship. Of course it's going well, it's not real! It's real in the sense that it's happening but those things are a teeny part of a relationship. A meaningful relationship has family stuff, money worries, laundry, food shopping etc... week after week, year after year. Don't confuse the two.

He's living a lie. One which involves blanking out 11 years. He has no right to tell you what you should be feeling. He's reinvented himself with you as the baddie - but only if you let him.

And as far as hearing he never wanted children. Oh yes? Another part of the story. You'll eventually get more used to these hurtful comments. For now, what other people are saying is irrelevant. You know the truth, you didn't dream 11 years. Don't let him stamp all over your memories.

The thing is What 2 weeks with only each other for company in a new relationship based on bereavement and lies is a hell of a lot of togetherness - it may not be as great as he thinks it will.

He has isolated his family except his foul parents, he has lost your family and your son - he is a fool please dont let him keep hurting you. Contact drags you down every time when you were doing so much better put a formal separation in order and leave this fool behind in your mirrors...you are way too good for him.

Just remember the double take both he and your friends did when they saw you recently, and the fact that your mum thought you had "work done" - you are looking good so keep "faking it!" Eventually your heart will catch up with your head.....every person I know who has been through this and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE has got over it and moved on with their lives - you will get there.

So you gave him another pithy reply - thats nothing to beat yourself up about...really its not

Big hug what

I feel for you. Just 10 mins ago my DDs dad told me he is going away with new wife for a couple of nights over new year. Seems to have totally forgotten the alternate year arrangements - and it's his turn. Luckily I'm doing fuck all . Choosing my battles. And that's what you should do too, don't take the bait and let him goad you, coz you end up feeling wound up and pissed off.

The others are right, your ex and ow are going away coz they don't know what else to do! They don't know each other, thrill probably want to poke each others eyes out by the time they get home hopefully

As for the "never wanted children" - I thought he and his OW had "bonded over their bereavements" so which is the lie?

I am trying not to say anything about the morality of a woman who will start a relationship with a married man when she knows his wife is grieving I think they thoroughly deserve each other, and you deserve something better from life.

Did your BIL tell you that's what your EXH said?

They have to go away What as Mama says what else can they do - nobody else will want them at their house on Xmas day. It is all so false. Once reality kicks in I really can't see it working. Keep strong you are doing well.

Its the cruelty of his actions that gets to me. The mindgames to cause suffering.

I believe strongly in karma, as I see it unfold so often in life. I hope your H can cope with his, when it comes his way.

I can't even think of more to say. He's monstrous.

The karma is ready unfolding...too cringey a situation to stay I'm the country at Xmas. Only his parents for company. There's more karma around he corner- I agree.