Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

My DB is going to phone him to tell him to leave me alone once and for all - politely but firmly. They were really close so it's best it comes from him and at least I won't have hassle once my H returns.

Thank you for all your support, I'll start again tomorrow x

Yes What. Tomorrow is another day xx

I think he does have to give you the space to heal without hassling you. Look how many people have your back - I doubt he and OW can say the same.

Thank you bluesky. He didn't answer phone to my DB, I didn't think he would. He's left a voicemail. I don't think I'll be hearing from H again.

Space to heal....

Don't beat yourself up about contact. Draw a line under it and wake up to a new day tomorrow.

Take all the time you need to heal. This is your time. X

I will do, I knew I wouldn't hear from him over next 2 weeks but also knew he'd contact me when he got back. Now he won't after getting the message.

So I am no longer wondering each day if he will text / email. I have time to get stronger for mediation and then ending all this limbo x

Hi What,
Sorry I've been quiet. You were, and continue to do SO WELL. Please don't forget that! I think you've been remarkably restrained in the face of all of his harrassment, to be honest.

You're getting some great advice here from the other posters, but one thing sprung out at me. You asked why he won't leave you alone? My take is this - he won't leave you alone because you want him to leave you alone. Personally, I think it's about control. Whatever you want, whatever you think would help you.... he has to oppose it because it still gives him some control over you.

I think he's behaving like a complete tosser, by the way. He wouldn't treat a colleague the way he's treated you.

Keep going. Remember how fabulous you're looking at the moment. Fake it till you make it x

You're right Zhx3, he just sleeps with colleagues. Sorry, sarcasm not aimed at you but him x

He will not have any control over me now as he won't contact me after my DB telling him to leave me alone. Feel a bit better now.

Thank you for your kind words

Good thinking to get your DB to ask him to stop contacting you unnecessarily. Lets hope he gets the message and takes it on board. He's having his cake and eating it... For now.

You have a whole load more to get through but it should be easier if you have already established minimal contact . If you can remain calm , indifferent and civilised then it will be less stesssful (even if you rant/offload on here instead). You need to preserve yourself and not let him under your skin. Imagine yourself a Ready Brek body glow - nothing will get through .

And get that automated text set up with the worlds smallest violin comment

Gosh, you've pulled me up there! When I mentioned "a colleague" I automatically assumed a male colleague! Feminism fail!

Is your brother scarey what ... Not answering the phone what a coward... bet it made him jump though

I think it really is best you aren't in the position to hear these things. I have had a heart-ripped-out-and-stamped-on situation in my life (ongoing) and it truly slaughtered me when I heard certain bits of info; I thought I would die of the pain. The solution, of sorts, was to cut all contact with common parties, so I didn't get to hear info. It has helped me to establish some stability and space to heal.

Two years on I recently met a couple in a shop. I recognised them, and they me, so we dug around to find out how we knew one another. When we hit on the link, I realised in a split second their close contact with common parties and, before I could tactfully extricate myself, out they blurted a bit of info that two years, even a year, back would have had me on the floor. It hurt, certainly, but it didn't destroy me. I faltered a bit - the look on their faces that they had clearly unwittingly stepped on a landmine confirmed that - but I didn't break stride. I had a busy day and, later on at home, I remembered it (remembered it! It hadn't stuck in my guts like a sword, blotting all else out) and I could, chose to, delicately step around it and leave it behind - because I have had some time and space to heal a bit.

To that end, I do think it may be an idea to withdraw contact from people who know him, so you don't get to hear info. You need to hunker down and heal and maybe in order to do that it's best you don't have to weather bombs and grenades via info that hurts desperately to hear? You know enough, you don't need to hear any more.

Keep going my lovely. One foot in front of the other, a new day tomorrow xx

No he's not bluesky but as they were like brothers themselves, it will have got the message through as he will know enough is enough if I've got my DB involved.

I bet it did make him jump x

Don't care about his reaction though he's gone through and changed his passwords on sites since I need to look after myself again.

Springy - you are so right and I have spent a lot of time thinking about that tonight. My SIL and BIL support me but my SIL unwittingly tells me things that really hurt. Although I can use the whole 2 week holiday thing with my solicitor. I will get through these next couple of weeks and then focus on ending this and then starting again without the reminders and giving myself pain.

Fortunately, my H has no friends so we don't have that link. I know exactly what you mean though, the tiniest bit of information does set me back and really hits hard for a while.

I spent the early days not daring to look in the mirror at my 'dead' eyes and now I make sure I look my best and I thought I'd never smile again and I do. I will get there, I always adapt.

Thank you for sharing and I'm glad you are much stronger now, it gives me hope.

Am glad you are feeling stronger, What. At least the next 2 weeks you will know he is not going to be in contact, or (hopefuly) ever! Good on your DB.

And i echo a PP - 2 weeks in constant proximity to each other is going to test them. Their relationship is not that old (less than a year? 6 Months?) so being together and having to have a good time is very - discovering. Holidays are stressful, especially when you have a relationship based on falseness, lust and what he has done to you.

I did wonder what - surely unless you are legally separated swanning off on holiday with her is not great if he's trying to minimise your settlement.

I was also thinking perhaps dragging your feet on the house sale so that it goes past their spring decision may be financially adventagous. Although I have been told recently house sales take 4 months on average so that takes you well into spring. If you are on the deeds he can't do anything without your cooperation, if you are not then take a while to answer any communication from him or his solicitor. Perhaps worth starting a thread on legal at some point?

If he's sending you menial amounts of money to sort out his post (which is really one of the most mean and despicable things I've ever heard, tbf), he certainly expects you to jump to when it comes to doing what he wants regarding the house, divorce etc. Make sure you don't.

To clarify I'm not saying be difficult because you can what I am saying is that if doing things the way he wants and to his timescale is to your detriment and his benefit then don't.

Obviously the sooner he is out of your life the sooner you will be able to get yourself together but the days when you had to take what he wants into consideration have gone.

Hey What, i found out my DP was messing around on me and our children at the same time you did, a wise friend gave me this book, it has been a godsend, please if you can borrow it from your library or buy it if you cant, it will give you so much help . How to Mend Your Broken Heart by Paul Mc Enna, it answers so many questions and also gives you the help you need to move on. Lots of love from some lovely lady who is going through it xxxxxxx

what a very lovely lady sent me a copy of the same book babycow suggested. Am making myself read a but each night before I go to sleep. Ok, ok, it a self help book - but if I can get past the first chapter without throwing it across the room then it must be doing something. Consider getting yourself a copy - practical do-able exercises to help stop the patterns of negative thoughts x

You could use the 'postage' £10 to buy the book :)

Springy - thinking about what you said about meeting that couple in the shop, you know just thinking about it I can remember how that knife in the stomach sensation feels but now its on your behalf rather than the relationship I left behind. It has nothing to do with who I am now, although the experience taught me that no matter how painful it is, you get over it and become stronger and wiser. I was more attractive than him, had a much better family background and I was definately waaaay more intelligent than him (plus he had crap taste in music)

I think the fact that Whats husband also lost her family who thought a lot of him, her son who he had help raise and her brother who he was close to - proves that it is about him and nothing she has done wrong. Jumping into this new relationship is a knee jerk reaction to how he feels and I do seriously suspect its not all going to go swimmingly.

I struggle massively with it but am learning to tell myself if someone is horrible to me, or just doesnt like me, sometimes its about baggage they have rather than anything I have said or done. On a low day I will wallow but most of the time I just think "f*ck you"

Got a letter from Royal Mail today saying H post will be redirected from next week. He's done it for 3 months.

I bought the Paul McKenna book months ago, haven't read it yet but have listened to the CD. I'll read it over the next couple of weeks, I've heard it's really good.

Have peace for now, no more contact but still sad. Hopefully I'll use the next couple of weeks off and rediscover myself.

Enjoy the peace and non contact. As horrible as it is, it's better than contact. The contact was torturing you.

Hugs and a Christmas bouquet of for you my lovely. What a long way you've come. This time next year will be a different story.

X