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Original poster

Do you believe in 'The One'?

81 replies

JohFlow · 05/11/2013 14:28

Just that...

Is there one person that is a perfect for you out there? That meets all your requirements? That supersedes all others? That fits you like a glove?

Or is it just a romantic fantasy?

What do you think?

OP posts:
RevelsRoulette · 05/11/2013 14:31

Considering there are about 7 and a half billion people on the planet, it is damned near impossible that for every individual there won't be one or more that are absolutely perfect in every way.

Of course, that person might be in outer mongolia while you're stuck in high wycombe, but still Grin

JoinYourPlayfellows · 05/11/2013 14:32

I don't believe there is one person out there that is a perfect fit.

I do believe that most people will find someone at some point in their life where they make each other really happy and it's just easy and no drama and makes sense to everyone who knows them both.

There's probably not only one person you can have that with, but once you find them you tend to stop looking :)

EirikurNoromaour · 05/11/2013 14:36

No, I believe that's a statistically impossible, superstitious, impossible and damaging fallacy.
We aren't 'designed' by some creator to be missing another half. We are social animals with a biological and societal drive to pair up for the purpose of companionship and child raising. If you find someone who you can live happily and lovingly with for a long time then you're lucky. But there are innumerable combinations of people who could live very happy, loving and fulfilled lives together if they were given the chance. No 'one' true partner.

EirikurNoromaour · 05/11/2013 14:36

So impossible I said it twice!

Thurlow · 05/11/2013 14:37

Just romantic fantasy.

At the end of your life there will hopefully have been 'the one' who you were happiest with, who your hopefully spent most of your life with.

But odds of meeting 'The One' within the tiny, limited circle of people you mix with - no, I don't believe in that at all.

As join says, there are probably hundreds of people who could be your one, but once you've found someone you are happy with and who doesn't piss you off too much you tend to stop looking. Or at least that's the polite thing to do Wink

Gileswithachainsaw · 05/11/2013 14:42

It's a nice idea.

I mean I often wonder if it could be like on tv where people "just know"

I like to think there's hope that there is that one person out there who your destined to be with forever.

meditrina · 05/11/2013 14:43

It's like in Mary Poppins - take your time to choose the right one and get your perfect balloon. That is, it's the stuff of children's stories.

Yes, if you want to be with someone long term, then taking your time to be as sure as you can be that the person has qualities you will find enduring attractive (preferably wrapped up in a body you find attractive) is important. But the search for 'Mr/Ms Right' is perilously close to believing in "and they lived happily ever after". Life throws too many things at you to rely on one 'perfect' choice at one point.

ShowOfBloodyStumps · 05/11/2013 14:44

I don't believe in the one or soul mates or any of that stuff. DH reckons he knew as soon as he saw me that we'd get married and have children and after 3 days declared he loved me and it was forever. But we were teenagers and I think he was a bit hormonal. 15 years later, a marriage and two children and I concede that he worked hard, believed in us and we're very happy. Nowt to do with soul mates however, just v lucky to be compatible.

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/11/2013 14:47

It seems terribly unlikely. Maybe because I've never had a truly 'bad' relationship, I feel that any one of my several previous long-term partners could potentially have been 'The One': it just happened to be the wrong time for one or both of us and the relationships ended. Now I've met current DP and we're a great match and both looking for the same thing at the same time, so we're together for the foreseeable. I'm very happy that we did meet, but I think I'd just have likely met somebody else at some point and felt the same way about them.

Also, most people meet their 'One' at the local pub or at work and it just seems far too easy and convenient. It's a big world out there and surely more people would have to search further afield if there was just one single destined other half out there for each of us?

Lavenderhoney · 05/11/2013 14:51

Revels! :)

I used to, but I don't now. Too jaded and cynical.

And I'm a bit older now, so he's probably married to someone else and quite happy.

I really hope my the one isn't living in a tent somewhere, about 30 years older than me and a bit smelly with dodgy toenails. Such a disappointment:)

JoinYourPlayfellows · 05/11/2013 14:57

"after 3 days declared he loved me and it was forever."

I think THAT decision - that THIS ONE is for good, is what The One really means.

It's an active decision that this person is it.

Of course, depending on lots of circumstances people can be very wrong about that.

And if the decision is made after 3 days when you are a teenager, then it's good going if it works out that you do actually work well together :o

But I think it's an active decision rather than a passive thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/11/2013 15:00

Emphatically no but, increasingly, I'm worried I've already met him and binned the poor bugger for some minor transgression. Confused

TwoStepsBeyond · 05/11/2013 15:00

I love this quote:

“I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.”

? Lisa Kleypas, Blue-Eyed Devil

MorrisZapp · 05/11/2013 15:00

Who's going to be the first to link that Tim Minchin song :)

If I didn't have you... somebody else would probably do

JoinYourPlayfellows · 05/11/2013 15:02

Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.

Yes :)

Dahlen · 05/11/2013 15:02

No. I pretty much think what JoinYourPlayfellows said.

If you believe in the concept of "the one" you start having to believe in fate and destiny and all that jazz, which I most certainly don't (other than in the sense of your character tends to determine what you do, which influences how your life turns out).

I believe in love though. Not in a 'true love will solve everything' kind of way because that' plainly bollocks, but in the sense that there is an emotion that can lead to us behaving in out-of-character ways - some humbling in their selflessness and others breathtaking in their stupidity. That's explainable through science, however (hormones). What's less explainable is why that reaction happens with some and not others. Current theory is something to do with smell isn't it?

MorrisZapp · 05/11/2013 15:03

Fwiw I had a soulmate boyfriend when I was younger. We would never have been happy long term, I don't miss him at all. He was a twat in many ways, although I'm sure I was too.

sittinginthesun · 05/11/2013 15:11

No, I don't.

I do believe that you can have a connection with someone, but it has happened to me numerous times, most of which are not romantic/love/sexual etc.

I met a client at work today who I "clicked" with, for example.

niceupthedance · 05/11/2013 15:22

No I don't believe there is a perfect person out there for you.

As I've got older I don't even want to find 'the one'. Maybe 'the two'... Wink

Original poster
JohFlow · 05/11/2013 15:28

Do you think some women feel constantly dissatisfied in their relationships because they think there will ultimately be 'the one' out there, somewhere?

OP posts:
Dahlen · 05/11/2013 15:50

JohFlow - sort of, but not quite in the way you suggest.

IMO many women tend to put up with far too much crap rather than leave for something better. I'd say that many women put up with being mistreated/taken for granted because they believe their DP/DH's are "the one" and "you have to work at it" etc. It's only when they get a bit narky about it and threaten to leave/cut up his suits etc that the man responds with a big flashy gesture (rather than just committing to vacuum the house twice a week) and so the myth of "the one" is perpetuated.

I also think for women that there is still a strong, latent element of socialisation that encourages us to sacrifice ourselves in the name of "the one" and "the relationship" in a way that just doesn't apply to men, who are by and large encouraged to have it all.

Putitonthelist · 05/11/2013 16:27

No.

Original poster
JohFlow · 05/11/2013 16:28

Thank you for your responses so far. Very insightful in most cases and some made me Grin too.

It seems to be a consensus that we quite like the idea; but living by it seems to be (at the very least) inconvenient. I'm conflicted - on one hand I have had a variety of successful long-term relationships, on the other - wouldn't it be nice to have someone who things just seem natural and effortless with. Would you ever marry someone who you know may not be 'The One' because it was 'good enough' for now?

It would be interesting to know if the original gesture of 'The One' originated from the female pysche itself or whether it was created by men for a particular purpose? Answers on a postcard please....

I also agree with Dahlen and Eirikur's anecdotes that sometimes dreams are open to abuses too. I would be very wary of anyone who uses 'flashy'/romantic gestures as manipulation. I think that they is a big difference between being 'The One' and mascerading as one.

I would also like to hear from women who have found 'The One' - Lucky gals!!. How did they know they had found him/her?

OP posts:
Putitonthelist · 05/11/2013 16:31

Sorry OP - my reply wasn't very insightful! Recently been through a horrible break up with the man I thought was 'the one' Hmm

Lazyjaney · 05/11/2013 16:32

"Do you think some women feel constantly dissatisfied in their relationships because they think there will ultimately be 'the one' out there, somewhere?"

Some women, undoubtedly. Others probably satisfice and are perfectly content with that.

There is some interesting research that shows high potential women who delay getting loved up till their 30s really do suffer, as by and large what's left on the shelf by then are much lower potential men.