Do you believe in 'The One'?

[JohFlow]

Just that...

Is there one person that is a perfect for you out there? That meets all your requirements? That supersedes all others? That fits you like a glove?

Or is it just a romantic fantasy?

What do you think?

Would you ever marry someone who you know may not be 'The One' because it was 'good enough' for now? No, because you're setting yourself up for a fall. Either you end up stuck in a relationship that you're not that satisfied with for the rest of your life OR you realize there's more to life, and deal with a marriage break up. Neither of which are worth it for someone who was just 'good enough for now'.

I there anything wrong in saying you believe in 'The One' and in staying single until you think you have met them? Nothing wrong, as long as you're realistic. Don't expect thunderbolts and lightning when you meet him.

I believe you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. And this might not just mean you have to go through a lot of men before 'The One' drops in your lap, rather you might have to go through a lot of crap before you can recognize 'The One' for who he is.

I found my DP through online dating. He is utterly wonderful. I'm pretty sure I would not have fallen for him if I'd have met him when we were in our 20s, because I believed I needed something different, and He was different then too. It took me lots of trying with unsuitable men to really realize what I did need. And it took him a lot of heartbreak to become the man he is now. Even when I first met DP, I wasn't sure (no thunderbolt), but on our second date I realized that there could be something in it... 3.5 years on, he's the best thing that ever happened to me. But it took years of hard won insight for me to appreciate him, and years of a crappy relationship for him to become the well rounded lovely man he is now.

Thank you all for your continuing contributions.

Like what Heroine says about watering grass.

As mentioned by a few posters; Yes I agree that some relationships are more about learning than anything else. Some are just 'transitional' to help you on your way. I think I learned loads from my last relationship (12 years long) about what I won't tolerate and who I am becoming.

I am not sure about the concept of 'soul mates' . I have heard from others how they can work but as both Annakin and you say that level of connection whilst intriguing; scares me. I would be worried that any time the connection was lost that it could turn very nasty. I definitely do not want a carbon copy of myself - I'm often difficult to live with as it is .

Do people think that 'Soul Mate' and 'The One' are synonymous terms?

Yes I agree that having serious relationships with other people teaches us about what we need in a partner, what we're willing to compromise on etc, so staying single hoping to meet 'the one' is pointless, because once you meet them you may not be ready for a proper relationship.

DP & I are both very different partners to each other than we were to our former spouses, mainly because we were both reacting to be treated a certain way, but also because the baggage we carry now makes us a bit more thoughtful about each other.

I am able to say that 'x' was a deal breaker with ex and so I will not tolerate even a sniff of it in this relationship. He has admitted that he was selfish in the past and is doing his utmost to notice and correct this behaviour with me, whereas he perhaps didn't realise (or care) with his ex that he was being self-centred, but with me he doesn't want to be 'that person'.

I think just having that willingness to 'be better' for each other makes us well suited, but I also believe that a lot of it is the sexual chemistry which binds us, the feeling that we fit, that he 'gets me'.

Like Annakin, I have a very physical reaction to DP's words and just looking at him does strange things to me, so I feel like there must be something specific about the combination of me and him that is special.

I felt it from the first time I met him, although I admit I was in quite a vulnerable state at that point, not long out of a 13 year marriage, with a few dates under my belt, so I was eager for some affection. I certainly haven't felt this way with anyone before, not even XH in the early days, but then I was a different person with different needs and experiences before, so whether I would find that easily with anyone else now, I can't say and hope I don't have to try

I don't think its necessarily about being similar, DP and I are very different in some ways, but we are like 2 pieces of a puzzle, we fit together. He is quite loud and outgoing whereas I am the opposite, but the things that make us laugh and cry are very similar, the things we want to do together are generally the same, our outlook on life, level of optimism/realism about things, slightly dodgy sense of humour etc are all very similar, so on a day to day basis we just get along.

I agree that it can be dangerous too though, I feel that we are so entwined that any deviation from that can feel like a big deal and I do worry that if we split up I will never meet anyone else who can do the things he does for me - he notices things that I didn't even know about myself!

no I don't - though my exH did and now, evidently, they have found each other

I do think, as someone said upthread, that some relationships are right for who you are at that point in time - and I think exH and I were absolutely right for each other when we met. I have absolutely no regrets about my 24 yr marriage or my divorce - even though I didn't instigate the latter I am very happy with where I am now. Because of that I really really hope I don't meet anyone who knocks me off my feet because I genuinely don't want those complications right now!

Were I to answer this question 3 years ago I would have said no , all that changed two years ago.
We met and she is the ying to my yang, I simply adore her, she moved in with me within a month.
We are engaged and will be getting married next year, I have never been this happy with any other woman.
She has said to me I am the one she has been waiting for all her life and calls me her prince.
From my perspective she is "The One" and whilst I have been in love before it has never been a beautiful as this.
I feel truly blessed.

I don't think 'the one' is synonymous with 'soul mate' because surely you can have several soul mates whereas the one implies uniqueness?

For example I think my DH is my 'soul mate' insofar as I fell in love with him as soon as we got together, I feel incomplete and sometimes almost unwell when we spend time apart, I've never met anyone else who I think is even remotely as right for me as he is, in fact I haven't even really been attracted to any other men since I met him. I love him and I love our relationship, though of course we drive each other up the wall sometimes.

But as others have said - I think that if one of us died, the other could potentially go on to have an equally fulfilling relationship afterwards. I say potentially because the thought of him dying is utterly unbearable and I don't know if I would recover - but I hope I would.

I also think my best (female) friend is my 'soul mate' in a (very different!) way. We met in a series of strange coincidences which, if ours was a sexual relationship, I'm sure some people (of that bent) would say was 'fate' and I feel as lucky to have her friendship as I do to have DH's love and partnership.

No. It's bollocks.

I have always thought of DH as the one. From the moment I met him there could be no one else.
Everyone is different and I may be naive and romantic, but I'm sticking to my story

No, I think there are loads of people all over the world with whom you can have a great relationship. My DH is "the one" I've chosen - there might (probably are!) more 'perfect' people than him out there for me. But as that perfect man might live in Uruguay I'm not going to bother waiting around to meet him and am going to spend my life with DH

And as I don't believe in souls or think that being with someone extremely similar to you is necessarily the best idea, I don't use the phrase 'soul mate'.

I don't believe in the 'one'. I think it is more about having shared goals and philosophies on how to live ones life, also importantly for both parties to be wiling to compromise when needed.

But I have to say that I am blissfully happy with BF future to be HB. We met on New Years 2012 in Zanzibar, and have been together since. So in answer your questions, I knew he was 'the one' when after 3 weeks he told me that he considered our future life together as a working project. I therefore agree with JYPF and others that being active in the relationship is key. Going back to BF, we have lots and lots in common too. But in general I guess i love his positive attitude towards life; it's hard not to love being with someone who is so revoltingly happy all the time.

I don't believe in The One because there are lots of people in the world, but I am interested in how some people you can naturally click with on first meeting and yet others you can know for years and just kind of get on with/tolerate somehow. If that makes sense?

I remember the first time I spoke to DH, and feeling like I already knew him. When we got together at a party a few weeks later there was an inevitability about it, we went home together that night and that was it. I can't describe it, I just knew.

We complement each other, we have the same ambitions and hopes for the future. We parent in the same way. He makes me laugh. He is a good man.

I believe in "the One", yes. I am married to him. I was happy being single before I met him and if I hadn't met him I'm convinced I would still be (happily) single and enjoying life. I'm a fussy bugger, and like my own company and various flings/flirtations/obsessions before him were just that and nothing deeper. After a (short) while they got on my nerves in some way, more than being on my own got on my nerves. So I never really had a boyfriend longer than a few weeks. And it really didn't bother me - I never actively "looked" for anyone. I knew I had never been in love.

tWhen i got together with dh I was 23 and we both new pretty much after the first date that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together (although we really only told each other that after he asked me to marry him out of the blue a year later.). We experienced the whole thing when we first got together - literal shivers down the spine when he brushed his fingers against my knee while just chatting in the pub. A tingling, erm, down there when our eyes met. Etc etc. All the usual romantic storybook "nonsense" that I hadn't really believed in. Yet here I was and it was happening to me. Well, us, as he says he felt the same.

Anyway.....16 years and 2 kids later and the starry-eyed romantic bit has gone somewhat, to be replace with a different kind of love. Deep and meaningful. Shared life experiences and memories. I look fondly back to the Mills & Boon beginning and know that we will never have that again. But that doesn't matter. Long-term relationships evolve. I think we both appreciate that and each other, and never ever think the grass would be greener elsewhere.

Don't get me wrong, when he infuriates me he REALLY BLOODY INFURIATES ME! And vice versa. But there is simply no-one else I would rather be with. If he ever dies, no-one could ever match up so I would choose to stay alone unless someone came along in old age who I grew to love and who made a fantastic companion - I would never say never on those terms. But they would never be THE great love of my life because DH is.

And that is a scary thought. I have a lot to lose.

I didn't. I thought it was a load of old rubbish, and you just got made the best of whoever you met. I married a man who was a really nice guy, we got on really really well and were very good friends throughout our marriage. When I discovered I was gay it was very hard to break his heart.
Then one day I met my girlfriend. I had chatted to her online for a while, but we lived so far apart there was never any question of us dating. When we first saw each other, I fell in love with her. I didn't, and still don't understand why, but I know she is my 'soulmate', 'other half', 'the one'. However you want to put it. I finally understand.
I don't think we need to find 'the one' to be very happily paired with someone, but it's lovely when it happens. Also, your 'one' may not necessarily work out forever, you/your 'one' can behave like a dick and throw it all away or some such thing.

There's one guy who more than any other I feel like he's a twin or mirror in terms of interests, influences, experiences. However, he's an arsehole now (we were friends since we were kids) and I would not want to be married to him. I don't even like him enough to stay in touch with him.

I think everyone has different options and you make the choice at the time it suits you.

My husband believes in the one though, he said he knew as soon as he saw me. When I first saw him I just thought a) superhot and b) player. I did feel like I recognised him though, like I was looking for someone and I found him. But if he had turned out to be a player I would have married someone else...

When I met DP I felt like I'd always known him. I thought he might be 'the one' but I no longer believe in 'the one' or maybe I just no longer believe in us. I guess that has more to do with our failure to identify a shared future which suits us both without scaring us. There have been more cold feet in our relationship than at an eskimo nudist colony. Then again, we are carrying a lot of baggage between us so we are wary of repeating history.

Bugger me, that looks so sad written down.

Saveme: a shared future that suits you both? Are you sure you're not over thinking it? If you truly want to be together then you just do find a way.

Not in the least. For everyone who reaches a stage in his/her life at which s/he wants to pairbond and probably breed, there is a reasonably large pool of potential partners - and the first to arrive who is attractive and available tends to take up that place. But it's also important to remember that not everyone is interested in, or suited to, a longterm monogamous relationship anyway. It's not a 'natural' thing, not a biological instinct (the desire to have children is a separate thing, and even that - ie a desperate, consuming urge to have a child - is not inevitable). Monogamous couple-relationships are a social construct. Some people like them, others don't.

A lot of people who believe in this myth are actually nasty, stupid, selfish individuals. Because they think in this irrational, superstitious way, they will ruthlessly dump an existing partner for a new one on the grounds that anyone they feel desire for must be The One even if they get a throbbing undercarriage for three different people a week. And believing in this witless myth as THe Most Important Thing In The Universe makes them treat everyone else as irrelevant and disposable.

It's nice to see responses from both men and women. And a good selection of believers and sceptics.

No dissertation Spade. Just think its an interesting question .

Solid - thank you for your contribution so far. People hold onto beliefs and values for a whole range of reasons. All of which make sense to that person in time/in their circumstances. I don't think it can be said in general that 'a lot of people who believe in this myth are nasty, stupid or selfish'. However; I agree there a some people that use the idea to treat others badly (which is base level behaviour).

I wonder why some new partners feel instantly 'familiar', connected or like 'a little piece of home' to us?

Also; if anyone is looking for 'The One' what exactly are you searching for?

Enjoying the thread so far

Spoke to DP about this last night. He said that he feels like he could have dated 1000 women and not met anyone who was as compatible as me. Then he stopped himself and said "Why did I only say 1000? Why not 1 million?! Although actually, if I'd met a million women I might have met two or three that I was compatible with!"

So I'll take that, I may not be one in a million, but one of only 2 or 3 in a million is still pretty special!

Bless TwoSteps your DP should have stopped at 1000, he was doing so well until then!!

Sweetly honest though, he clearly thinks you're very special

Depends what you mean by "The One". I love my DH to bits and, despite everything, I do know he feels the same. We have a good life - usual ups and downs (and thankfully almost out of an unpleasant down), but we share the same values and aspirations, care about each other, make each other laugh etc, etc.

I do still think very fondly - but without an ounce of regret - of a relationship I had before I met him. We had an amazing connection (and I don't just mean sex) and he is without doubt one of the most important and influential people in my life. But we could never have built a life together. Not practical obstacles, it just would never have worked. We both know that and accept it. It's not a question of the one that go away, it's a bit more like Comtesse says, a combination of timing and circumstance.