Do you believe in 'The One'?

[JohFlow]

Just that...

Is there one person that is a perfect for you out there? That meets all your requirements? That supersedes all others? That fits you like a glove?

Or is it just a romantic fantasy?

What do you think?

I'm not perfect so why should my partner be? Relationships are gloriously messy and hard work and wonderful and frustrating and anger inducing and full of warm hugs and someone you enjoy chatting to whilst the washing up is being done. They are about learning to get along and accommodate and support each other and always learning more about each other as we change through life. Perfection is dull compared to that.

No. My mum has had two. I believe DH is my soulmate but if something were to happen to him I wouldn't spend my life alone. There is lots of love to be found in this world.

May I direct you to this Tim Minchin song:

wouldn't it be nice to have someone who things just seem natural and effortless with.

It's probably unrealistic to expect a relationship to be natural and effortless all the time because life invariably throws up external pressures from time to time, but I'd flip that. Any relationship that requires work and effort when there aren't any external pressures at play, or in the early stages of a relationship, is one you can definitely say is NOT "the one".

I can't use my current relationship as a model because we don't live together and it's too short lived to mean anything (18 months) but despite a couple of external things affecting our lives (e.g. possible relocation) it's been very easy so far. That's because our communication is excellent. Rather than guessing each other's emotions and motives, we talk about them and get the answer direct. I don't think that means he's "the one" at all but I do know that I would refuse to have a relationship with anyone who couldn't communicate in that manner.

As for the idea of "the one" coming from men or women, I don't know. It's women who tend to talk about it, but you could argue that since society is patriarchal in structure and history, it's something that has developed from men in a bid to keep women "in their place". That works on a cultural level rather than thinking individual men deliberately perpetuate the myth to control individual women (though some will, and vice versa).

Don't worry Putit - just 'no' as an honest response right now is fine. I'm sorry that things didn't turn out how you anticipated. How are you?

No, I am getting married in a few weeks time to a man I love deeply, but he is not my 'one'. He is lovely, exactly the type of man I've always envisioned myself with, but I am sure that if it wasn't him, I'd be equally happy with someone else.

Even so, when I met my fiance for the first time, there were no fireworks but an overwhelming feeling like I'd finally come home, so maybe there is something to it.

Thanks for asking OP - I'm getting there, should be fine by Christmas 2015

Love the Tim Minchin song.

An idea popped into my head whilst watching it....do we settle because its good for our self esteem - or because our self esteem has taken a battering? Is sticking by a wish to find 'The One' actually quite narcissistic?

I don't believe in The One for all the reasons given upthread. I adore my DH; as another poster has said he's not perfect and neither am I by a long stretch, but I like to think that we're extremely well suited and I hope we continue to feel this way for the rest of our lives.

However... my Dad had three wives during in his lifetime (was widowed twice). He admitted to me when on the third marriage that although he loved his second and third wives very much (one of whom was my Mum) he had never felt the kind of intense, obsessive love for them that he had for his first. It's hard to say whether his first wife was as close to 'the one' as he was going to get or whether he was never able to love as strongly again because of the grief.

Yes, as an old friend of mine who's sadly passed on used to say ..... I've had the best you can forget the rest

I believe in lots of 'the one'.

I think there are lots of men out there who, if we met and were in a relationship, would be perfect for me and would find me perfect for them.

Of course there is not just one other person in the entire world that i sperfect, otherwise most people would never end up meeting such lovely partners would they?

it is romantic fantasy to think there is only one other person out there for you. just look at the widowed people who meet and fall in love with other partners.

I am (now) in a happy relationship with the normal ups and downs and have kissed a fair few frogs in the past. I absolutely HATE the term 'the one' as it is a load of old bollocks fed to us by too many fairytales. If you are a well-rounded person with a good knowledge of your likes and preferences, there are probably loads of 'the ones' out there for you if you get out there and meet new people. I agree it is also to do with chemistry (hate the word 'spark').
Many people confuse love with obsession.

My DP and I are a perfect match, our relationship is just 'right' in every way. I am glad we met each other and glad we both feel the same way and have an amazing relationship of love, friendship and mutual respect and care, but I am sure there are other men somewhere in this world who would be pretty similarand feel the same way.

doubtful I will meet them, and I certainly don't need to meet them now, but if I had never met DP I would have met someone else at some point in my life I am sure.

overmydeadbody - sounds lovely Can I ask if you were with another man and then you met your current DP (your perfect match) how do you think things woud have played out? Tricky to answer I know - just thinking about people who think there with 'the one' and then someone else comes along who blows them away.

I think there are endless possibilities for relationships with others but one worth fares asking all others for. I think that even the one one you choose, no matter how good the fit, will require effort and compromise at times and that if it's worth it it's not hard work or to be resented or seen as negative.

I've told hubby in no uncertain terms that if I die before him I expect him to go with his heart and enter into other relationships if he feels attraction and this won't mean he's being unfaithful to our relationship. Sounds sordid but he needs to know as he'd be a martyr to me otherwise. He wouldn't look whilst we are together so nothing unfaithful in being with others after our lives together have ended.

No, I don't believe in The One.

Me and DH love each other and want to be a family because we are a good match and we make each other happy. That doesn't mean there aren't other good matches out there but they wouldn't be the same. I don't feel any need to explore those other possibilities

putitonthelist i had a lot of boyfriends before my current DP, and by about two or three months in i knew they were not someone I would be with forever, so I knew i hadn't met anyone who I could describe as 'the one' yet.

My first relationhip was a disaster, and I got married, thinking that it must be right. I was very young, had no experience of what a relationship was meant to be like, but stupidly thought we should get married and i could then be the perfect wife and make my ex be the perfect husband. Cringeworthy looking back, but I think it gave me the experience I needed after that, and maybe the cynicism too, to not think there was a mr right out there and be wary and cautious.

It also made me realise I didn't need a man in my life, I was whole and complete on my own and any man I let into my life would damn well have to be bringing something pretty special to the equation. I became very choosy and selective and perfectly confident in my own skin.

I knew DP for 4 years before we got together, both of us had various other relationships in that time, and were just friends. There was no love at first sight, gazing at him and just knowing, or anything like that. Eventually, after 4 years, we both found ourselves single and spending more and more time together and realising we actually did click really well, and have so much in common and just really enjoy each other's company.

i guess if I had been with someone else who I felt I would be with forever and who also shared that, and we had a great relationship, i wouldn't have got to know current DP as more than a friend, but that is all just hypothetical speculation, and I am very glad we did end up getting to know each other better and going out together

I there anything wrong in saying you believe in 'The One' and in staying single until you think you have met them?

I don't believe in 'the one', no. I believe the grass is greenest where you water it.

I don't believe in the one at all, and I think soulmates often equals a meeting of neurosis, not minds. But I could certainly only be in a happy relationship with a minority of the people that I meet.

JohFlow I think there is virtue in getting out of a relationship if you know you don't have a future with a partner. But I think staying totally single while holding out for the one is not a good idea. Relationships and heartbreak are good for us and help us grow. I am a much better partner now than I was with my first serious boyfriend because I've had the chance to make so many mistakes.