Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 27

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I started off on the step-parent board, then the relationship board and now I find myself here. I'm wondering whether I've been living within an EA relationship?

Met my exDP in 2008 after being on my own for 2 yrs (previously married for 7 years and have 2 DS now 14 & 10). DP was wonderful, attentive, kind, generous, hard worker, loving & affectionate, good sex, we both fell for each other fast. It was a wonderful time in my life, he was everything to me!

In 2009 we bought a house together and I suppose things began to very slowly go wrong. I discovered he had a temper, a really bad temper and for no apparent reason e.g. if the laptop was a bit slow he would throw it down in a rage - all a bit bizzarre. Even friends have commented on his temper.

He hates mess, bikes left out, shoes in the hall, marks on the walls he goes mad at! Moans about the boys through me, instead of going directly to them.

He began to be less and less tolerant of my boys and began to be quite nasty to them, shouting, moaning, very negative. If I attempted to talk to him about them we would end up arguing and then he would ignore me for days. It would be me that would make the first move, we would both apologise and move on...until the next time. He would criticise my parenting skills and because I was pretty rubbish with my DSs (single mum, working fulltime) I knew I was lacking and that I needed to be stricter and more firm he honed in on this. He's never attempted to really make a relationship with my DSs.

If he drank alcohol (and I mean a lot e.g. at a family New Year party or something) he would end up angry & aggressive about something, he slapped his daughter once one Christmas across her leg (she was about 13 at the time) and then he spent an hour crying because he felt so guilty. He also had a physical fight with the same daughter on holiday this year where he slapped her. That was terrible and I suppose was the beginning of the end for me.

If we were out shopping and someone gets in his way he will say something really nasty about them to me like "idiot, not looking where they're bloody going". He can be really nasty.

He is also very jealous; I have a decent relationship with my ex husband and we text each other about the kids quite a bit. DP doesn't think I should be doing that, he thinks it's not normal.

Two weeks ago my DS10 misbehaved around the tea table (he farted), exDP lost it and threw his cutlery down, stormed out and then didn't speak to me for 3 days. I decided then that I'd had enough and we have decided to end it.

Now as I think back to all the other things he has done over the years I'm beginning to think there is more to this. He has been married twice before and has had a couple of failed long term relationships before me. I wonder why?

Hi, louby, welcome to the thread. He sounds horrible. Well done for making the decision to end it.

Tears and regret after physical abuse is sadly very common - all part of the cycle. His poor daughters.

Still, it'll be great for your sons to have him removed from their lives! Onwards and upwards...

louby welcome and sorry you have to be here. It is a slow and gradual realisation - it is a accumulation of events. nothing tangible, just a feeling of discontent based on some events. allow yourself to feel what you feel and follow your gut - it is your strongest guide

Hi everyone thanks for all the advice on trying to escape for Christmas. I am, for once, proud of my decisive actions. We have indeed escaped, despite being told that we are forbidden from leaving. Instead we left yesterday, a night earlier than planned, thereby avoiding the stress of which of the many threats he would follow through on.

DD is very panicky, and didn't even want to see FW before leaving, or speak to him. He sees all of this as coming from me - but in reality she has her own mind. While at home she has been jumping out of her skin every time a phone rings, or she hears a car. Now we're away and no-one knows what hotel we're in, she's relaxed and happy.

FW is absolutely livid. He has been swearing and ranting at me, and DD has heard some of it. She says she's beginning to realise that her Dad might not be very nice. I've told her that she is to form her own opinion of how her and her Dad get on, not to base it on how he treats me. But there's not much more I can say, given that's she's right!

We shall enjoy Christmas, and see whether the house is still standing when we return.

louby welcome sounds like you've found the right place here.

noregrets you superstar. well done. you are strong! I hope you are comfortable wherever you are. enjoy Christmas, you deserve the time with DD

noregrets I'm so pleased to hear you're going to have a nice Christmas! His reaction says it all. It'll do your dd no end of good knowing that he can't reach her to manipulate.

louby hi. I read your own thread. So glad you've left.

its a very useful guide to know how he speaks of his previous DP/s? Sorry you have found yourself here, having experienced all that

hope you can move onwards and upwards to much better than him, well done for leaving him behind! You have done yourself and your DC the best thing ever

Thanks everyone. I have realised that he has been emotionally abusing my DSs for a long time...looking on the NSPCC website many of the points struck a chord

humiliating or criticising a child
being too controlling
persistently ignoring a child
never expressing positive feelings towards a child
never showing any emotions in interactions with a child (emotional neglect).

This has led to behaviour problems with my kids and although they have always been hard work I think his attitude and behaviour towards them has exacerbated things!

My DSs have shown these behaviour traits one way or another over the past few years rebellious behaviour, aggressive and violent behaviour, anti-social behaviour and criminality, self-isolating behaviour (making people dislike you)

Hi louby have seen your various other threads about fw, he sounds awful.

I'm not sure I belong on here but a friend of mine seems to think I might do.
My head is such a jumble at the moment I'm not sure it's abuse or my DH is just a shit.
Some background, my DH had an affair a few years ago, he led me to believe it was an ea and I decided to try again. We didn't go to a councillor and did prettying everything I shouldn't have. He minimised it etc. I know I haven't ever really come to terms with it a a result. About a year ago I found out it was physical as he was out with the lads and was taking about it (I know, lack of respect etc . ) I found out as I have a good male friend who was there and he knew how upset I was about the affair and basically told me.
My DH went ballistic and as a result has now turned his 'I was wrong to have an affair' into a 'I was stitched up by our mate and it's his fault we are in this mess' attitude.
Since this time he's changed, he seems to have taken control of the relationship. During arguments he's twice now threatened the 'relationship' to get his own way. I've lost my best mate because he told me about the physical part of his affair. He refuses to talk about anything serious, he just ignores, puts his head in the sand and will continue to do so until I give up and everything gets brushed under the carpet.

Added to that is a few other things. Our sex life I scrap. He never ever shows me any affection unless we are having sex. I've tried cuddling or kissing outside of the bedroom but he's just not interested. I get a peck before and after work and he'll maybe rest his had on me before he falls asleep. As a result I get really pissed off as I know if he comes for a cuddle it's because he wants sex. He is however happy to let me rub his back but is v reluctant to return the favour.
He will never say I look nice. I would get the same reaction if I walked down stairs in a ball gown or jeans. 'Yeah you look nice love'
He's the same with the kids, always shouting and always looks at the negatives. The atmosphere in the house us awful, my eldest dd said to me she didn't like my DH shouting at her anymore. I'd I try and help him or suggest a different approach and he'll go all passive aggressive, actually passive aggressive is how he deals with most things. If I try and talk to him about his communication, or anything really, he'll just say 'ok it's my fault' and walk off. If it escalates he'll say 'what do you want to do about it' it feels like he's trying to push me into a corner emotionally.

I made cakes with the dc yesterday and they iced them. I asked him 'did he like them'? The response 'yeah they are good, too sweet though' our DC are 5 and 1.
I've noticed this morning is so much calmer and fun - he's at work.

I also suffered from panic attacks as a result of his affair and he didn't support me at all. His normal response is 'I don't know what to say love' then walks off.
I'm left to sort everything out, I've sorted all if Xmas, I have to do all the finances on my own, he's run up 2 credit cards and will not take responsibility for anything. He even forgot out d's dentist appointment - the only thing he's had to do! All he really has to do is get up, breath and go to work. If I dont do it, it simply doesn't get done then it's my fault when we fall out over it.

I just feel I'm on an uphill struggle and nothing I do is ever good enough

Sorry for the ramble

Bluedog he sounds awful. All I can say is I've wasted years of my life with someone who made me feel like shit. What a waste. Don't waste anymore of your time. If someone truly loves you they won't ever hurt you purposely, why do we put up with dickheads would they put up with us if roles were swapped.

Bluedog it's crap isn't it! My exDP was great around the house, very organised and tidy (he's ex-military), very affectionate and loving, he was lovely to me when things were going great but when ever there was conflict or I would disagree with him he shut me out for days, refuse to speak or try and discuss things.

His jealousy and emotional abuse towards my DC (his stepDC) was getting too much. It had to end.

I loved him and it's been hard to make the break. Everyone keeps telling me how brave I am to put my kids first, but I don't feel brave I just feel very sad and lonely.

louby no-one feels brave - bravery is doing what you need to even though you feel fear. Keep going, and all power to you.

I can cope with me being sad and lonely but I wonder what affect it's having on my DC. My dad is a wonderful person an would spend hours playing and encouraging us. My DH is the opposite. He spent 10 minutes raging at our dd about her writing (which she loves) about how it's not neat enough - she's 5

He put our youngest dd on the naughty step every time she said no, again she's a toddler and pushing boundaries, she spent most of yesterday in tears.

Yesterday was not a good day. When I asked him how it had been for him, he seemed to think it had been an ok day.

bluedog - welcome. sorry you have to be here. Everything you right I can feel. I think sparkly said to me when I first entered the thread that it doesn't matter if it is or isn't 'abusive', the way he is behaving makes him a horrible person to be around and it is YOUR choice if you do want to continue to be around him Personally I think he sounds horrible and I would be inclined to say that yes you are in the right place here.
Louby, again, yours sounds hideous too. I hope you are staying safe and taking care of yourself. well done for getting out. I think 'brave' is something only others see. I do no feel brave, but looking back on the last 6 months I realise how strong I have had to be to just stay safe, how I have had to build walls around me to keep out his hurt, how I have had to protect my children from the abuse and the language and behaviour of FW. so bravery really is an amalgamation of lots of emotions. all of which will still be so raw for you. you may only be able to see it as bravery when life has moved forward somewhat.

Hi, bluedog. This that you said: I can cope with me being sad and lonely but I wonder what effect it's having on my DC. Yy - that was the breakthrough for me. I'd spent years saying to myself, "Well, I married him, now I've got to live with the consequences," and the lack of affection and isolation I could cope with. But I was being pulled away from time with the DCs by his entitled demands; I was being drained of energy by his constant criticism - so I was not able to be the mother I wanted to be. I wouldn't say he was consciously controlling me but the end result was the same as if he was: I wasn't free to make my own decisions about who I wanted to be.

And similar situations to the ones you describe between him and the DCs - made me want to provide a safe place for them where they know they're not going to be treated like that, so they don't grow up thinking it's normal.

What does FW stand for? I've been trying to work it out lol!

f**k wit

Ha! Love it! Yes I'm living with a FW!

Just had a lovely email off my BIL. FW has only just started telling people and BIL has emailed me to wish me a happy Christmas and to say that I'm still family, the mother of his niece and he'll always be here for me. Has made me feel a bit teary.

Have read the thread now.

I agree re bravery comments. I don't feel brave. I feel like I've run away and that basically I'm just pretending at being a grown up. Someone in RL told me that it must have taken awesome courage and that really shocked me.

bluedog it was dd that made me stay for so long. I really didn't want her to come from a 'broken home'. But then someone said that phrase better to have come from one than still be living in one, and it rang so true for me. So ultimately it was dd that made me go. I would have put up with anything if I thought it was best for dd, but in reality I was doing her no favours at all by staying.

lou, you were a single parent, working fulltime, did you feel 'pretty rubbish' with dcs before you met him or just tired and a bit overwhelmed. What you needed was help and support, not criticism; what they needed from him was positive input into their lives, not strictness and stonewalling. I am fairly sure your little family was rubbing along just fine before he came along, and by the sounds of it, it will be again.

I relate to what you say, my FWs treatment of my dd was what pushed me to leave and she has thrived since. Our house is more chaotic, we have routines, but not particularly strict, most importantly, she is herself, she puts her music on downstairs and dances about, you know, before I couldn't even listen to my music. If she is upstairs reading, I know it is because she wants to be, not because she is scared to come down.

coach you're probably right. He was the only man who I ever introduced to my DS as I thought he was going to be a good role model and support me and I fell in love with him. He could have been so good to them but he chose a different path - I won't ever know why!

Tonight I have got very upset, sobbing and just generally having a good cry. FW saw me, said nothing! Amazes me that. If I saw him crying I would have to say something

Then my DS came down and we all sat on the sofa and ate Christmas chocs and the boys were allowed a drink in the living room - something which would NEVER be allowed normally. The FW wouldn't allow it, not even at Christmas or a party.

No one split their drink and all sweet wrappers were tidied up. It's a positive in a pretty shitty day!

Is he still living with you louby? You'll feel so much better if you don't see him every day. And if you don't have dc together then really you don't need any face 2 face communication.