Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 27

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hello ladies.

You may remember me from back in August when I was trying to work out if I am in an Emotionally abusive relationship or whether I am just highly strung. That was the name of the thread.

I have just been reading the recent posts on this thread because I have had a hellish few weeks with my DH who has been threatening to leave me on an amost weekly basis. Three weeks ago he even went and stayed a night in a hotel.

I have basically had to beg him to get through Christmas for our kids. We have a three year old who is just realising the joys of Christmas.

Do EA fws ever actually leave or do you think he is just doing it to get his own way and scare me?

He wants me to give up work (two days) as he says I am trying to fit in too much. I also run a community group one hour a week and teach an evening class one night per week.

I would love to leave him. I can't though as we borrowed money from my mum to buy our house and I have to stay with him so that we can start paying her back in July.

Do EA fws ever actually leave

Sometimes, but only if you're very lucky.

Well, of course you wouldn't feel lucky. Sounds like an awful existence, the one you're in. It's no way to live, is it?

If you give up work, you will feel even less able to leave. I'm guessing, though, that if you weren't being drained by a FW, you'd have a lot more time and energy.

I'm not much good at practical advice. Would selling the house be an option?

Does your mum know the situation, fivemins? Would she want you to be in an unhappy marriage so you could pay her back?

I guess for leaving the options would be whether you can up your days at work to be a bit more financially secure. I agree with Charlotte that you should not give up work as then you have no independence. How is 2 days trying to fit in too much? I am guessing he also works, but does not see himself that way. Be wary of being isolated.

Selling the house would be the other option, but I would be tempted to look at the finances first. Is it in both your names, even though your mum paid?

Leaving: my FWex was always saying he would go, it is a manipulation tactic.

I think I might have scared him when I said that if I did give up work, and if our relationship were to break down, that at least I could go with the kids back to live with my parents and get a job near them teaching supply. They live an hour and 3/4 away. If I stay in my job as a permanent contract teacher I am of course stuck until the end of a term... So I am now stuck until Easter. Anyway he suddenly said he maybe thinks I shouldn't give up the job after all. But he says the reason for that is that I had reminded him that since being back at work I have been able to give up my anti anxiety meds. I think I know its that I could take the kids.

I guess we would sell the house but we have nothing to say its my mums money. The house is in our names. I am scared he would fleece her. I guess I would get half the money.

I have just started to suspect the threat of leaving is all smoke and mirrors. Thank goodness for what I've read of Lundy so far... I actually feel like I can finally see through his stupid selfish actions for what they really are.

You could try calling him on it though.

Mine used to walk out regularly. eventually i just stopped letting him come back.

Wait til after Christmas ten if he threatens let him go.
seek legal.advice about the house. it mat be possible to.prove your mum lent you money by looking at the bank transfer or whatever.

bounty yes we are living in the same house, thankfully we have a large house so are in separate bedrooms and separate living areas.

It's very awkward though. We are stuck here until the house sells which could be months! God help me!

It needs me to leave rather than him go... We live where he works and rent our house out.

I am thinking that I need to go straight after Christmas. Already I have been in trouble this morning for allowing our 1 year old to open a bag of toys in our room (I did not spot this happening as I was busy doing a job he had suggested I start- but apparently I should have told them not to do it). My initial apology wasn't enough, he came back for more begging for forgiveness after he'd got dressed. Then I have just been in trouble for speaking to him in a stressed manner when I was actually disagreeing with a stupid idea he had of meeting up with his friends in London for the day between Christmas and new year. We are just about to bail on a two hour drive and sleepover at theirs due to car trouble. My reasoning being we will have 4 under 5s in tow and I cannot think of anywhere to go that would allow us to catch up and keep the children happy too, especially as the weather could be awful.

I just want to get through Christmas with my kids being happy and without exploding at him or his parents who have descended on us.

I have nowhere to go but I have a few days to plan my escape.

Just popping in to wish a merry Christmas.

Enjoy Christmas away from your abusive xp for those who have attained freedom.

And I hope the day is as safe and stress free for those who still have to endure. i hope next year is a freedom.Christmas

Off to get wired into the xmas pudding vodka

Merry christmas ladies, wishing you all a peaceful FW free time.

For those of us still in may this be our last and for those out may this be one of many to come.

Love and to all.

Happy Christmas everyone.

And what mink and nini said!

Adding my and cheer too

Happy Christmas to you all.

Hope you're having a peaceful FW free day, although I know sometimes FWs get weirder this time of year!

I am not missing mine today and I am that I had the foresight to make sure I got my Office box set back from him before we split up. Never give up indeed.

Merry Christmas, all.

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

Happy Christmas one and all. Love what has already been said, and am so grateful for the fellow feeling and wise voices on this thread.

And also wanted to say, Christmas is celebrating a birth/new hope for a family for whom things hadn't gone as expected or as they'd hoped (homeless, persecuted, etc). Think we on this thread should see it as our celebration, however little our situation today might feel like the glitzy ads on tv.

Merry Christmas to all reading, posting and lurking on the EA thread.

As a friend said to me yesterday, your partner should make your experience of Christmas better, not worse, and sometimes as not-nice as it can feel to be on your own around Christmas it is probably still less awful than spending (or surviving) Christmas with an abusive partner. I wish all of you safety, health and happiness for Christmas, and will drink to us all finding a happy Christmas that is better, and not worse.

cheers pony

fw has bought dd a phone ffs, shes almost 8 she does not need a phone. and now I can't control it when hes being a dick towards dd. He asked to have her new years day, I said no unless he catches the bus.

Is she going to use the phone, though, muff? My 8 yr old dd, it would have ended up languishing in a drawer. I also think you can teach her to draw boundaries with it, and set some yourself, i.e. no password, place phone to be kept etc. She is 8, you can legally monitor her calls. I would sit down and have a chat about how she needs to behave with phone, times it might be useful, and ways she can screen calls etc. There need to be rules around phone usage, I would say the same if I was buying my dd a phone. It is not an open line from him, and should not be viewed as such.

That apart, Merry Christmas, lovelies . Wishing you all the most peaceful time possible.

Sorry, still on the mobile phone issue, the WHO recommend that children should use them for short, essential calls only. The other issue is the location service, if it is on, fw can see where dd is at all times. Think about whether that is a good thing (you both know where she is) or not(invasion of your/her privacy is she is with you)?

Thanks for that quiet Yes probably will want to text my nan, mum, sister and she hasn't stopped texting him since she got it. He also said hes going to ring at 7 every night to say goodnight.

I will put boundaries in place, I didn't even think about location service thing, it most probably has got it on there, whether he thought to activate it or not is another thing..

I'm not sure what boundaries to put in place, am quite annoyed to have to be the bad guy with rules again.

Happy Christmas to all - those still struggling to work out what is happening in their lives and those who have started down the road to life without a FW making them miserable. Just small steps every day and whoosh you have travelled miles!

Life at the other end of the journey is truly lovely. Calm and happy and full of love and cuddles and support from people who care. I am SO glad I took the hard decision to leave!

FW is still impossible but he can't hurt me and I am teaching my DC tactics for dealing with him. His latest control freakery is counting how many hours the DC spend at his house and how many at mine or my DPs or DBs and adding them up to see if it is fair... then guilting them to come home. Sad loser! He will end up pushing them away. But enough of him. No space in my head for him now. I have happy things to think about.

muff, can he not call the landline? She is 8, it would be better for her in health terms.

That apart, the best approach may be to do nothing till the novelty wears off... I am sure your dd has other things she enjoys doing of an evening. Tying her to the phone at a certain time each day is really controlling, I think, she needs to have some freedom as to when she calls him, maybe the reality of a daily check-in will put her off. My dd would not stick to that without being reminded, and I personally would not remind.

Yes he can and he has before. I will turn it on silent and I'm sure she will forget about it when the novelty wears off like you say. He told her she has to answer it whenever he rings as well, I have already said thats not the case.

It is just another way to keep his control over us. I have a landline and mobile and he hasn't bothered before with nightly phone calls.

He also wants her on NYE and day, we are already busy have a party to go to and he only wants her as her sister will be there and he makes dd run around making her drinks and getting her stuff when he can't be bothered. I said no as he can't keep her safe and if he had to do an emergency stop saturday dd wouldn't be here for him to even ask to have her.

Happy Christmas to everyone. Had a truly lovely one here :) Like the Christmases from my childhood that I remember. It was delightful seeing dd revelling in the excitement of a big family Christmas. Those of you still 'in' - it really is worth the long road out!

On the fw side, I am really and :( at fw's family. He invited them to spend Boxing Day with him and dd and they have declined as it "will not be any fun without me here". I am so upset for him that they are not supporting him at all. I know it's not my problem but no wonder he's so messed up if this his family's attitude.

I had a good Christmas too...despite feeling a bit wistful for a past that never existed last night. this Christmas has actually turned out to be the best Christmas yet with the dcs.

Alcohol, too much sugar and egg shells mixed liberally with tension turns out to be a Christmas recipe I can do without.