Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 27

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

The thing is, tweedle, that while you were living with him, he took up a huge amount of your energy, time and thoughts. Suddenly, a lot of that has gone, because there is peace instead, but it takes a while to adjust to. And at the same time, you're grieving the relationship you wanted.

charlotte you are absolutely right. thank you. the silence in my head is deafening which is why I filled it with another narcissist I think. and yes, I am grieving. I also think that when I was in that house I was in fight or flight mode so I feel like now I can truly feel all those things without having to push them down to just 'get through'. It is going to take time isn't it? I feel very impatient right now

Been there, done that! :o The impatience, wanting to be a year down the line already!

Have you read Alexandra Nouri's book? I'm forever recommending it on here, because it's very funny in a snarky kind of way and good therapy if you're with or extricating yourself from a narcissist. It's only a couple of quid on Kindle.

good shout. I could do with something to read. I need to eradicate the narcissist sympathiser within me. off to find that. thank you. yes I would like to hurry it along to the point where I have moved on. I think that is why I am rushing at it. need to slow myself down...appreciate the moment for what it is. I AM OUT!!!

Another one wishing that life came with a fast forward button. Or even a rewind so that I'd never met fw.

I get that crushing sense of being all alone. Bizarrely sometimes the loneliest are when I'm at my parents without dd. it seems to highlight that she's not there. My parents are lovely but I feel like I'm about 12 again sometimes.

So sad :( and yes we all truly deserved to be loved properly by our fw's.

Yes, Ikwym about those lonely times with DC(s) not there.

Mind you, I remember how lonely it felt playing happy families and knowing it was all just appearance.

We need a bit of time to build up our own lives. Planning and preparing some nice surprise for when the DCs come back helps, too. (Just finished wrapping all their presents!)

That is true charlotte. I've also wrapped the presents and tested that the stocking fillers fit (they do!)

Time alone is needed for reflection. My mind is just so jumbled.

You are right about the loneliness in the marriage though. I remember silent tears rolling down my cheeks as I just felt so alone. At that time I didn't understand EA, but I knew I felt alone. And unloved. And ugly and unloveable. And I also felt that I couldn't tell a single soul, that it would be disloyal to my husband to talk to others about the situation, and that I needed to put on a brave face and be the happy family in public.

That is how I feel about holiday photos etc, happy families being just appearance.

I am not sure I feel alone yet, because getting out was such hard work, and I had such a lot to unravel, which I did not expect. I feel like I have not yet stopped running, first from the situation and the fall-out, then in order to catch up with everything that seemed to stall when we were together, and to sort it all out. I thought it would take a year, and I am 11 months out, or 11 months into that year, and I am not sure I have relaxed yet.

But it is so much quieter, so much more peaceful, I don't know how I coped before, so maybe it is all just more relaxing. Leaving is a process, so is healing.

Sorry to just pick up end of thread here, am off for an earlier night. to all.

That was a long winded way of saying it takes a while to unjumble one's mind bounty

wow - Alexandra Nouri's speaking my life!!! Talking to my mother she says "yes, but we are all like that on some level" but, I explain, the difference is that he is like that on EVERY level. I feel validated by Nouri's words. My doubt from this morning has been shot DOWN! I realise how much strength it has taken me just to get here. Just to say no, I will not take this anymore. And I wont. Thank god narc2 (from last weekend who I have liaised with before in a previous life) is too self-involved to even attempt to hoover me in. I am glad I read this charlotte thank you.
I look forward to the peace and quiet. I am guessing because we get so used to the chaos, they silence can be deafening.

^The thing is, tweedle, that while you were living with him, he took up a huge amount of your energy, time and thoughts. Suddenly, a lot of that has gone, because there is peace instead, but it takes a while to adjust to.
Y this.

And Charlotte Bounty QUiet yyy about feeling lonely without the kids but not as much as lonely in the relationship and knowing you had to keep up appearances. I am feeling very sad today, but I do feel I am on solid ground. I may be alone for Christmas, but it was my choice, and I would rather be alone than pretending.

I'm up at 3am, absolutely furious with FIL. FW came by yesterday morning to take the DCs off for a week for Christmas. 10 minutes after they left FIL, to whom they are going for lunch, phoned me to find out what time they were coming. FW and I have been separated for 6 months. Its my first Christmas without the DCs. Coming for lunch only has a fairly clear timescale, so it was really clear that they would have left already, and that I might be feeling a bit down, AND THAT I'VE BEEN SEPARATED FOR SIX MONTHS, HES YOUR BLOODY SON, AND I DONT DO THAT KIND OF WIFEWORK ANYMORE.

I felt it was such an invasion of my privacy. I'd managed to keep things together when the kids left and FW and I had been pretty mature for once. But 10 minutes after they'd gone I was in full flood. And then to have someone else wanting me to be mature and liaise for a lunch I'm not going to. Grrr. FIL does tend to dumping wifework/maternal/liaising jobs on me and I had a stern conversation with him two months ago when he did just this last time, so this was a second offence. But what was worst, when I said very sternly, no idea, not my job any more and not good timing, he said 'put yourself in my shoes'. Not a peep of 'oh it must be hard without the DCs or the situation in general.'

It so made me see red. I think its realising how many people around me, especially in my and FW's family put me in the maternal/caring/wifework role but for them, who are adults, and are still trying desperately to put me back in that box and make me feel wrong for saying, I'm only doing it for my DCs now. That basically none of them see me, or that by any scale I would need support now. Not from them, but I'd expect them to see it. But instead they see redmaple isn't doing her job with us, lets breech her boundaries and get her to do it though she doesn't want to.

I know I'm ranting, but I think I want assurance that I'm not wrong. At 3am I'm feeling furious, but wondering if I was too much. I can see my mates saying, oh lighten up redmaple, he only wanted to know when they left. But if you have only been in touch twice over 6 months, and both times for me to liaisie about FW, I do feel its deeply disrespectful of me.

Totally understand why that would upset you redmaple and no its not your responsibility anymore - maybe next time FIL rings you can ignore it? You dont have to have any contact with FW's family at all.

I do something similar with FIL (even though FW are still together), and he sounds like yours. Never answer a call.

I also feel angry at myself, for allowing this and putting me and the dc through it. So many times he has done awful things that any sane person would of ran away from and I chose to let him talk me back around.

My ego felt he would change for me, I thought how could anyone not think how great I am. I tried to be super woman with cooking and baking and cleaning and being the perfect girlfriend. I need to work on me and forgive myself I think. Sounds like a cringe cliché but I don't think I'll be ale to move on until I let go of how unfair I feel this has been but also my own responsibility for it.

I also feel more lonely when at my parents house, I stayed last night fw dropped kids back to my mums and I really felt like a pity case having to stay over as usually he would of took us home.

Dd told me all day yesterday she was sat in the middle of his car without a seatbelt on as there isn't one... I can't even trust him to keep her safe ffs.

redmaple next time just treat FIL as if he is just asking for information. The info you had was that FW and DC had left 10 min ago, that's all you needed to say. I think FIL triggered your FWittery reaction, when he may only having been seeking info from the person he knew should have seen FW most recently.

These things will probably go on happening from time to time. Think of it as people sorting logistics.

Quite a good portrayal of passive-aggressive verbal FWittery on the Archers omnibus. Laugh out loud - when it's fiction.

muff i think it is quite a natural (if feminine) response when someone acts like an entitled twat to try harder to make them.see how valuable you really are. don't beat yourself up about it. he will probably in some of his more self aware mounts realised he has lost a good thing.

You are precious. value yourself.

It is frustrating as i have just given up on (non abusive just feckless) bf because much though he said i was great and lovely and that he was lucky, he didn't act it. it was just words. but that is his problem and his loss. if he cannot be arsed he does not deserve a rs and i deserve better.

Of course, what i get in the meantime is nothing. but at least i am free to spend my time on myself and the people who matter and to find some one better.

Totally with you on the seatbelts, Muff. It's infuriating and terrifying at the same time. Playing with their lives, really - but of course nothing's going to happen, because he's the big I Am!

maple, I'd've seen red, too. I probably wouldn't've thought of it in time, but like to think that I'd've given sympathetic advice: "Do you not have FW's number? Oh, what a shame that he didn't put himself in your shoes enough to give you a call to tell you they were just leaving. I suggest you talk to him about it when he gets there."

Of course, in reality, I always think of those replies two minutes too late!

Failing that, a phone which displays the number calling is useful. Especially if you can program it to display "Whiny FIL"!

Faux-sympathetic, I meant, as I hope was obvious from the sarky advice!

maple I wouldn't feel obligated to hold back personally. I think I would have said what you wrote, that you are separated, that when the DC's leave the house with FW it is FIL's duty to call FW and not rely on you to act as advocate for him. If he is unable to communicate and has used you (as my FW has) as a route to clear communication (I did the In-Law communication or they would have known nothing) then it is now no longer your role within the family. I say tell him. Make your role clear.
Today I feel a million times better. Miss the DC's of course but also happy to have some space. I read the narcissist books last night charlotte and they make me feel so much better. I suddenly realised how much I had been ground down and how well I had done to walk away. I think it was only then that I realised my own strength. I can promise you I will not be holding my tongue, censoring my words or even really worrying about what people think any more. I am grateful for my DC's and would not change that for the world but I will NOT be a door mat for anyone again.

Thank you mink {{hugs}}

And yes Charlotte so very terrifying anything could of resulted in my dd going through the windscreen.

I'm debating whether to ring 101 and ask their advice on this.

I've told him he's not having her again since he can't at the very least make sure she's safe. He's not on her birth cert we have never been married he has no pr so he can fuck off quite frankly or take me to court. I am changing my phone numbers and going NC completely and dd is to.

When I rang him to ask why he would put her at risk like this he started shouting how she's a little liar an shouldn't be telling me anything that he does, then he said it was her fault because she wanted to swap seats and sit there and then he wanted to speak to her to tell her off. He's such a prick.

He has responsibility for any children in the car. If they are under 12 they must be in the back seat. And of course belted up. Is there stuff about booster seats as well? Trying to blame his own DD!

I know sparkly it's awful. I wonder if the police would go round and talk to him about car safety? I just have visions of the worst happening now.

I cannot see any reason not to at least consult with police, muff. As I'm sure you know, it is v easy for the driver to enforce seatbelt rules. Simply refuse to start driving until all are belted in. If LO's undo belts out of nautiness while you are driving, stop car and repeat.

I agree with sparkly. you must trust your instincts. If you feel that your children are being put at risk by his behaviour then someone (like the police) need to speak to him about his behaviour.

I'm going to ring later when dc in bed. But tbh I don't think even them talking to him will help, he would still do what he wants to do. I keep thinking what happens if the worst happens and I let it.

I get quite anxious about things anyway, I couldn't go out and leave the tumble drier on and I'm obsessive with turning things off so I don't cause a fire while we sleep, this time of year I go into over drive about the dc catching tummy bugs so things like this really don't help me and I can't get it out my head. How stupid and irresponsible of him urgh.