Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 27

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Charlotte, it may well be the novelty and that will wear off. If you feel that the comparisons are undermining you, then think about presenting it as parallel parenting, that is, yes, that is how Daddy does things and this is how I do things, that is the way it is. You and their dad are different people and they need to accept that, so it is unfair of them to compare, and I think if you get the sense they are doing it on purpose or being encouraged to do it, I would be tempted to nip it in the bud, by simply saying that you don't compare them (DCs) to each other, you accept them as individuals who do things differently, it is the same with you and their dad.

The other approach is to be non-commital and then change the subject. Both my DC do talk about what they have been doing with the other parent, that is fine, but I think openly comparing is not fine, they would not do that with their friends so why do it with you? It is a question of courtesy apart from anything else.

Yeah, I agree, coach. I don't think they are comparing us, most of the time, just sharing news of their day, same as who fell out with whom in the playground. It's just a bit harder to listen to!

Just come on here for a rant. Just when I was letting my guard slip and thinking with the divorce done and the house sold I could relax FW reminds me what a grade A nob he is. Email tonight about supporting adult DC at uni. He has altered what he agreed reluctantly in mediation back to what he wanted and denied he ever agreed in front of two solicitors. He earns three times what I do and has 66 percent of our equity but still thinks he should match my contributions equally. Arse arse arse arse! I shall have to go back to the Sol tomorrow for a tactics talktalk. I will of course support them but will have to use capital if he has his way. He just hates that I work part time and he doesn't.
Why did I have children with such a controlling bully? Aaaargh.

That's better. I have a plan and I won't let him gaslight me. Night all!

Won't the 2 sols he agreed it in front of be able to remind him?

Yes, there should be a minute of the meeting

Grr at your FW, KA. You would've thought, with the DCs grown, that there'd be few opportunities for him to be a FW, but oh look he's found one.

He has done me a favour really. I was beginning to think he wasn't so bad. Stupid man using the DC to try to upset me.
The mediation was about our financial consent order which is all settled. But not about the DC. He knows that and is using it to dig his heels in. But I don't care. I will pay what my DC need and laugh at him. He has forfeited the last shred of respect I ever had for him as a loving Dad. And he can't hurt me any more.

Wow so many developments!

I know I don't do much on here but thought I'd come and sprinkle some joy on the thread while I have it. I honestly thought a few pages back that I was worse off without FW and I feel SO MUCH better.

I could just do for the universe to do me a massive favour and land me one of the jobs I've interviewed for this week (two this week). It would really help me I think because I would no longer be in my office where FW used to work and holds so many memories.

I am so glad not to have heard from him and to think I will never hear from him again makes me happy. I'm going to have a Christmas without him trying to spoil it by complaining that I am at my family's (happy) while he was at his mum's not happy.

I have realised that me thinking my life is over because FW has buggered off is giving him far too much power. I have decided to take some control. I am back at counselling now that my goal is to reclaim myself and not mope about FW. There was a time when I needed to do that and that was important. That phase is over. I now have to go forth and make a lovely life for myself.

The thing that did it was someone pointed out that I had been a shadow of my former self. Not who I used to be at work; not as sharp; not as witty. I reflected elsewhere and thought the whole time I'd been with FW I'd not been the friend, sister, daughter, employee etc that I always had been. I had been CONSUMED by him. Partly my doing, partly his insistence because he wanted all of me too. It's taken me a long time to figure out that this just isn't any way to live. Life should be better than that.

The only chink in my armour has ever been the babies, for some reason, I can get sad that we didn't have one but as soon as I think it, I tell myself what a liability FWs are as parents and I imagine the reality of it and it helps.

Hope you're all well and Christmas prep, moves etc are coming along

I think you are young Colin, and you will meet a better man to be your partner and the father of your babies. You know all this about FWs too, before you have children, that is a good position to be in. That does not negate the sadness, but the right time and man will come.
All the best with the job applications and the counselling, sounds all very positive, well done.

My chink is babies too colin I sooo wanted more than one. But have gradually accepted that it will not happen. I am more than likely to be too old to sort myself out, find someone else that I trust enough to actually dare do it again, and then have more babies. But then I remind myself that I really am lucky with the one (amazing one!!) that I've got.

Colin Bounty for something else big but hidden that I so grieved over I found it really helpful to acknowledge I was grieving. Bought myself flowers, chose poetry and music, held a private ceremony I told close friends about. Can't say what a difference it made to how I felt, giving myself space and acknowledgement for what was going on inside me even if others didn't know. Good luck.

Hi ladies. At the parents house now. HURRAH!! Kids are super happy to be here and I am glad to get them out of that horrid space.
FW knew I was leaving and he was apathetic, nonchalant and said a heart breaking goodbye to the kids - who he will see in 3 days. And NOTHING to me (Mother of his children to whom he is really sorry for everything he has done). I don't want anything from him, I am not shocked or really that concerned because if he had been that person in any way then we would not be apart now.
So I have a few weeks before my move. I packed everything and it sits in the house waiting to be shifted.
I feel a HUGE sense of relief from leaving. It was a anti-climax of sorts. I wasn't sad, a bit jittery. Just grateful that I didn't leave in blaze of glory in some ways as my head would have been full of what-could-have-beens. But I actually had 5 weeks of seeing him for what he really is. I think if I had left that way then I would have been talked back into the relationship.

I am already smiling more and feel more clear headed as I know I can make my own decisions. I am also going to work damned hard to stop smoking. I started again at the height of the misery of my relationship and I will be working towards quitting. I just want to switch it up a bit. Create my own traditions, habits, FUTURE!!!

tweedle. So pleased for you all :)

Enjoy some pampering from your parents. An anti climax sounds good. Drama is over rated! Yyy to building your own future.

maple thanks that is helpful.

just been thinking about the court process and wondering whether it seems appropriate to tell the DC that their mother and father are in court in the coming months to sort out contact?

Yeyyyy Tweedle! Go you you did it your now free! So glad your out of that house.

I'm really struggling with contact, dd doesn't want to overnights at his anymore or to see him on any regular basis as she doesn't want to miss out on what I'm doing. He tried bribing her with the cinema Sunday afternoon but as my nan was coming over she didn't want to go.

gah! x-posted and just caught up noticing someone has escaped! well done Tweedle

glad you are feeling the relief and it wasn't another incident you leaving, but an anti-climax instead. yy start your own traditions!

Aw, tweedle, great update. Good to see you sounding so positive.

You too, Colin!

I have the opposite problem to you, Muff - my DD was doing her usual pre-bedtime "I'm so stressed, I can't get to sleep, I'm very tired but I'm wide awake" routine the other day (and I was just wondering how to get her out of this cycle because it is like it's become part of the routine), when she suddenly came out with "I never feel like this at Daddy's." That was pretty crushing. Later, I decided that it's probably part of that - what is it, anxiety? - that she seems to feel when she's just been with him. She was asleep quickly in any case, so probably very tired. Still upset me, though.

Sadly it wasn't long lasting. I'm up and down. Today is a down day. It appears to be happening on a weekly basis :(

Really chuffed for you tweedle

Charlotte I predict this being me. FW is quite controlling of the kids and their emotions. I feel that I will end up spending a lot of time trying not to let the knife cut too deep. My DD asks (no lie) about 50 times a day where her Dad is. And DS starts every sentence with "My Dad..." But you will always have consistency. As a kid you LOVE that excitement of being with your Dad - for some reason it feels special. I always felt like this with mine, he seemed to have the energy to do all the magical things my mum had no energy to do. But as I got older, did my own washing etc. had kids, I began to realise she didn't have the energy because she was dealing with 3 kids all the time and every practical and emotional issue which arose in the house.
I think it takes a long time for the concept of mother to be really appreciated by the child because you are a constant.
I bet you are doing an amazing job - in some ways it could be good that she is able to express her emotions, whatever they are.

I am feeling very prickly today. I feel like I am coming down off of something - an addictive relationship? I drove a car today without FW in it and it was very liberating. Not having him flinch when I went over 50 (he speeds ALL the time) I also only managed an hours sleep last night. I think it is just a kick back from all the adrenaline I have been living on the last 5 weeks. I sang REALLY loudly in the car too. Adele - Set Fire to the Rain seems very lyrically appropriate. I wondered what my break up (OUT!) song would be, seems it is this.

aw Charlotte sad to hear that about your DD. Sleeping/settling problems are the norm I think rather than exception for being in and out of the abuser dynamic. for you ... its very hard i know, having experienced the same here. Starting bedtime routine earlier helps a lot, as it gives more time for all that stuff to surface, which has been kept down all day, and the anxieties keep them busy avoiding the issues until there is nothing left to do but lie down,a nd then they surface - well thats my theory. Then having time to be together/chat, not too much, and having other distractions - i've tried massage (for DC - well and me!), music, reading, changing routines (once bedtime 'trying to sleep' becomes a problem in itself).

bedwetting also common, etc. its just to say really that it is part of them trying to deal with the anxieties, and settling to being back in their other life after being with him, coping with two different worlds, as well as any worries of being around them. Glad to hear she was asleep pretty quickly anyway. I found that at the peak of the anxiety and expression, sleep seems to swiftly follow. I used a lot of NLP for chronic sleeping issues with DD, and it worked a treat, she was even able to take it 'away' with her to his, as sleep problems were acute there. ((hug's)) xx

revelling in your freedom tweedle ! so great to hear

Thanks, tweedle and Sprite, your posts make reassuring reading.

Adele is fab isn't she for the breakout. My favourite is Rolling in The Deep

"The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless"

Says it all really :(

How's it going tweedle? This thread has gone a bit quiet!

It has, hasn't it? This one looks like it could last two months - and not too many months ago I noticed that one thread filled up in two weeks!

I'm pleased to report that DD2 (having been at FW's last night) settled to sleep utterly contentedly! :)