Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 27

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I feel he's revving it up, the glass of water and the other incident when he put ds to bed and now all this

The closer you get to leaving the worse he's going to be. Leaving is the most dangerous time for you and dc.

Is there anyway you can think of to keep you and dc safe.

i don't know really. besides getting in a cat with my mum and dad on Sunday? i could actually do that. i might have to. they are coming over on Sunday to see us. the police will hopefully be here later. I feel he is revving it up too. I have a spare key for my friends house if I need it. But going there with my kids? Honestly? I can't see how that would work? Oh my head hurts. I don't want to let anyone down at work.

tweedle Yes you could do that with the kids.

Quote from the Women's Aid site: In fact, the period during which a woman is planning or making her exit, is often the most dangerous time for her and her children.

You can see he is revving up. Next time he might not stop himself. When are the police coming? Make sure that they know that you are leaving him because of his abuse and are feeling threatened and unsafe. And do tell them about him throwing your DC.

Forget about work for the moment. What's more important? Letting people down a little bit at work (which they will surely understand under the circumstances) or making sure you and the kids are safe? I know you don't want to let anyone down, but this is serious. You need to take steps.

Hope you are ok.

tweedle you would be better out. Do your parents live near enough to work/college to allow you to commute those days if you really feel you have to go in (I understand this, btw, I did the same)

Does your friend who has give you the spare key know whats going on? If so then I'm sure she'd happily and willingly take you all in. It's not like it's for the forseeable future, it's a finite time with a definite end point. If she knows how bad FW is I'm sure she'll find a way.

I found it easier to just snap and go one day. The build up to previous pre-chosen leaving dates I found really difficult and made it feel an even bigger thing then going actually turned out to be. If that makes sense. I mean the pressure (from me alone) and the knowing this Big Event was coming made it seem like an unclimbable mountain

Hope your ok tweedle

Well I'm quite proud of myself today, I finally rang the child maintaince people and they are sorting it out and he will get a welcome pack in a week.

He used to threaten if I ever went to the CSA he would never pay a penny and would spite dd by never buying her anything again. Well I don't care anymore he doesn't pay for anything anyway so what have I got to lose.

Good for you, Muffcakes.

Tweedle, you ok? You safe? Let us know if you can. You are probably fine, just with the escalations you were posting about, makes me feel a little anxious on your behalf.

Well done muff

I've had my first day with dd in our new house. It has been lovely. Not perfect, some tantrums etc but of course I've been able to deal with them myself!

Now sitting downstairs having done a quick tidy up and feel so relaxed!

DD2 has spent the day at FW's because she was ill in the morning. She is now back here and has been crying unstoppably because she misses him and wants to be back there. She is doing her best to persuade me to let her go back! She's been wailing like a bereaved Arab and is awake over an hour past her bedtime.

I am being patient and understanding and keeping my face firmly on the inside. This is the same girl who, a few weeks ago, said that she'd like to see FW every other weekend with nothing in between.

At least I have a few quiet hours tomorrow to recover!

bounty, that sounds just lovely! Have some for your new pad.

bounty how lovely in your own place, this is the start of the rest of your life without him!

I know it sounds so odd to be proud of ringing the csa but it's the first time I've really done anything major against him. Im not doing it for the money it's more to draw a line in the cement and say this is it.

Oh charlotte that's tough. I've been mentally steeling myself all day for dd to say she doesn't like the house and would rather be at home with fw. And I'm fairly sure I'd cry if she did. It sounds like typical unwell/tired moodiness and Id bet she doesn't really mean it. Hope it doesn't last all night though, and that you do get some rest. I expect that fw's mess with the dcs heads too

muff it doesn't wound weird to me at all. Progress is a series of baby steps and even the small things takes masses of courage. My first proud moment was arranging to go part time. That wa the first time I'd gone against him too. I felt nervous, than a bit aaaargh what have I done, and then finally peaceful and proud.

hi waves
no escalation muff thankfully. I know you mentioned about leaving the kids but i have had no choice for the last 2 nights. i have spent time with friends and spoken to a lot of people. The space has made me ready to go back in there. it really is like entering a boxing ring every time. except a fight for which there are no rules and i will always lose. currently, it has been agreed by text we are on a ceasefire (his words) after i refused to go back for him to go out. Stating i would not do him favour after what he did. He still believes that i drove him to it. that will never change. but apparently he won't hurt me (oh, thanks!) so i have spoken to my friend (and neighbour) about what happened and he told me if it happens again to go to his. also i spoke to a friend of FW who stated he didn't want to get involved but i told him he was involved as he is his friend so he needs to look out for him as he is laying a really negative path for himself.
i will be home tomorrow morning and i am REALLY looking forward to seeing my babies.
On sunday my father is going out for a chat with FW. We are all hoping it will help him back off. I am then off to my mums on sunday. i will be there for about 3 weeks on and off. i have been insured on her car so i can drive back for work and new year. love her! i am continuing to reach out to people. i am sad that i have had to open up the world i have lived in to everyone but suddenly i realise that he has designed it to be closed off because only then can he abuse. by opening it up i am denying him that control. i feel sick with everystep and i want to curl into a tiny ball. i am EXHAUSTED and every inch of me aches and my whole body wants to give up but i can get to sunday.
also, i went to the house i am moving into. the wood burner was blaring, i had glass of wine and sat in the kitchen. i can not wait. i really can not wait.
in other news he has decided our agreement about child arrangements which he previously agreed to he does not currently agree to. he needs time to decide if he can decide about how he feels about his decision.

oh and shall we go to mediation.

let the next FW stage BEGIN!!! wine]

tweedle no updates - hope you are OK?
muff well done - I have a similar dilemma (that we have agreed we can be more 'grown upp' and not involve CSA) - will see how things go once FW moves out!!
bounty well done! You are doing brilliantly - tantrums are going yo happen, it's just your DDs reaction to change. Enjoy having your own space! Xxx
Charlotte I can sympathise - DCs grilled me tonight on "why does Daddy want to move out?" In my usual 'giving credit to FW' way, I found myself saying Daddy wanted to stay but sometimes grown ups needed not to live together anymore- hope this was the right thing to say!!! Then spent the evening defending why I should go on my work Xmas party tomorrow because it means he will have to pick DCs up from school and get them dressed in the morning (I've decided to get my hair done tomorrow so won't be back for school pick up for the first time ever and I'm staying at a friends to avoid a post-party argument which means he will have to get the kids ready for school in the morning - I will be there between tea and bedtime though, so I'm not exactly abandoning them though!!).
6 days left until he moves out.

tweedle x post! but relieved you are OK. Sounds difficult but it is good you have your family around you. Yes - breaking the bubble helps, I think! This time I made sure I told as many people as possible as soon as possible as it seemed to make it reality and (in my moments of self-doubt) I considered how I would explain changing my mind about leaving him to my nearest and dearest (who had unilaterally supported me). It made me realised how big a facade I had been putting on and has made me more determined not to be sucked back into his BS!

Oh - enjoy the you have deserved it in bucket loads x

I think leaving them with a parent is not usually considered as abandoning them! But I do know what you mean, because my DCs have reacted the same way to being left with FW. I think what you said to them was sensible, but it is hard to know, isn't it? So difficult to explain while protecting their relationship with their father.

DD2 is fast asleep now. It was probably worse because she's tired and has been ill, although she has done dramatic meltdowns like this when FW has travelled for work in the past. A day or two more and she forgets about him.

bounty, DS has started saying he doesn't like the house, there's nothing to do here, he hates being here, that sort of thing. Just now and again, not all the time. It was hard the first time, but I don't react and it's easier now, just like when they say they hate you. I know that he'll jump up for a full-body cuddle or refuse to leave my side before long!

It's hard to move on and be detached from FW when I have regular updates about what he's doing and how great everything he does is. Found myself feeling inadequate in comparison this evening and had to give myself a talking to...

tweedle relieved to see you back :)

charlotte ah but you know he's not all that great. Have to keep remembering that.

bigbird perhaps there's a market for advent calendar style things to count how many sleeps until fw's move out.

I have sent fw my boundary email. He has replied saying he agrees with it all. Have to keep pinching myself as at the moment things feel so much more amicable than I ever dared dream they could be. I suppose time will tell how long he can keep the act up. I can hardly complain that my fw is not being fw enough!

Also I have a protocol question. Do you buy fw a Christmas present from the dc? I can see that from me would be a no-no, but dd is too young to plan anything herself so should I get stuff on her behalf? I'm new to all of this.

Charlotte, who is giving you the updates? DC? Has it been like this since you separated or is this a new thing?

bounty, yes, I have always got DD's dad a present from her, and also OW and half-sisters, once I found out about their existence too (OW is now DD's step-mum), so this means that FW gets one as well. I think it is more about the DC manners and comfort, really, when they go at Christmas, they get gifts, so it is nice for them to have something to take.

Charlotte - how are you getting these updates? Is he telling you stuff at handovers? Because you can be in control of these.
For my part, I found it hard to disengage and stop talking, stop offering information, stop asking for/expecting information. So I have had to rein myself back.

It's from the DC, particularly when they come straight back from his, not with school in between, but other times, too. "We had this to eat at Daddy's" and "Daddy's Christmas tree is like this" and "Daddy did that with us, too" and "I made this for Daddy." They just want to share everything with me! Which is fine, but I do have to remember not to start comparing us as a result. I am sure he is being Disney Dad because he wants to be sure to be the best if the DC do compare.

Oh goodness. Presents from the DC for FW? I hadn't given that much thought. I shall see if they have any ideas . I only ever gave him one present that he liked... but if the ideas come from them it should be ok.

Snap charlotte. I can only think of one present from me that he ever liked. In fact I think that's the only reason I'm not a super organised all shopping done by November type - I had to buy in December for the 30 d return policy!