Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 27

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Just wanted to comment on the second link for EA in the OPs post.

It really is like someone has secretly followed me & wrote down every aspect of my life.
I was the most confident girl in the world, and this man managed to turn me into an apologising emotional wreck. I found letters I had written to him just after I found out he cheated and I APOLOGISED TO HIM! I became very introverted. A mixture of he crumbled my confidence so low I didnt want to face anyone & the fact that he went out ALL the time but I wasnt allowed to go as I had to stay in as 'thats what mums do'. The first night I ever went out in a social aspect ended with him being unfaithful.

I dont even know where it started, I dont know where I lost myself, I dont know when I started believing that it was all my fault.

But I do know when it ended & I do know that it will take a while for me to rebuild my life both physically and mentally, but I will get there.

Oh god my ex veered between telling me I was getting too thin and too fat. I've been a size 8 the whole time we were together and fluctuated by about four pounds at the most. Twats. It's just a tool for these mysogynistic bastards to run with.

I'm still struggling, I have some up moments but I'm still pining for him and reliving the trauma of catching him in the pub with his now girlfriend. It literally won't stop, like its on a loop. I can't compute that he isn't coming back. Even though life is nicer in so so many ways.

colinbutterfly.

Totally agree about the loop thing- like when you have peace and quite it all comes floody back, every little detail.All things you think 'how did I miss this at the time' or 'I cant believe he had the cheek to...'

Every little thing in this stupid house reminds me. Cant wait to move.

I went out closed the door
I'm sure I've done the right thing

Some people put "glasses on my nose"

So Now I should be fine
But that stupid doors keep opening

And it hurts
The past hurts
I can imagine it will take more time but I started worried
That the damage was to big
It's like again he is reaching for me from behind my back
He really died for me in all aspects of my life
(Well not in real life)
I even wish him all the best
He died in my heart
But the reality is different
I still feel like being the chased one

And I know nothing would change the past
And I really hate myself for the way I am feeling
I keep analysing all the terrible things he did
I am keep being angry at him for it, angry with myself

And I know it's wrong
Someone said to me last time it's new life right now
Don't let the past destroy you all over again

But but when I was blind I didn't ask I thought I am the bad one and deserve all of it
I loved him lucky loved- past

I never asked all those questions, well I know he is not going to answer them right now but I can't stop asking
Even if it leads to absolutely nowhere

And it feels like I am hurting myself all over again
I am going to get the books
A bit of psychology can not hurt
Let's see

theblindone.

it seems like you have alot of unanswered questions-stopping you from getting proper closure.

One day you might find those answers yourself, or you might have to beat them out of him.

blindone, how long since you left? All of what you feel is perfectly normal, I think, at least I relate to it, and it doesn't help if you have dc and need to sort contact etc for them. Do you feel the chased one because it is still in your head, or because going through the legal system is perpetuating the damage?

I read Stalking the Soul by Marie-French Hirigoyen, which very much clarified the type of damage done. So, yes, it is real. But you can't ask him for answers, you need to focus on healing yourself, doing the things which are important to you and spending time with people who care about you. Bit by bit the agonising over what happened gets less.

Killpeppa
I wish but more I think about I am losing hope

In reality long time ago
But it is been just a few months since I closed door

DC sorting out all the stuff conected to it

The scary thing is he still has so much power over me
Still can break me down even being away
He did it a few times already and even if would tell myself I am strong enough is not working
He knows exactly where to hit

Sometimes I think that
He won't stop
Why some people have to break"the toy before it will go to the bin"
I'm sorry for description but it is so much like me right now

theblindone Welcome xx
I love your prose. It is like a poem.
Are you a writer? You should be

He wants to break the toy because of the type of person he is. He will not break you, and you will not be in the bin. Recovery is a process which takes time. You are only out a few months. Are you no contact? Can you be no contact? Close off every avenue he has to get to you?

I entirely get you about the relentlessness, that is why support is important.

bounty been wondering how you are. you have tried the counselling. you have made more effort than you need have done and he still thinks this is all about a timetable for you to turn into what he wants!?! You have done your time lovely. Time for your release.

Just caught up. I just cannot believe how strong you all are.

I ended up making amends this week as the atmosphere was just unbearable.

DS2 and DS3 said he smacked them today which is making me regret it already.

I have done a fair bit of research this week so when the time comes I should just be able to go/get him out.

I booked a first session with a counsellor but we didn't confirm the time so I missed it. I can really afford it either so not sure where I am at with that either.

Colin sorry to hear it is still so tough.

ann
good luck with getting out. Im just about to move-next week:)

:o thats at your conversation. My paraphrase:

thats: Do you notice, FW, that you always focus on yourself and don't even see me?
FW: Oh shut up and focus on me.

Glad the job's going well. Sorry he can't be the least bit happy for you.

Anne, are we like sisters because we are characters from the same author?! You are strong too - you are surviving and what's more, making plans to get free. It was probably sensible making amends: lose the battle for the sake of winning the war - although that's probably a terribly inappropriate metaphor!

I like that metaphor. Until I can see a sol again (hopefully next week) as obv my situation is different now fw is back home 24/7 and I really need to be sure that I'm not risking losing the right to be primary carer, I may let a few battles be lost for the sake of the war.

theblindone I agree with ka about the poetry, all be it very sad poetry in your thoughts. Originally I thought maybe they are song lyrics. I don't know your whole story. I think you need to be gentle on yourself. It's not your fault that the door keeps opening. I think it might even be necessary to let you slowly deal with all the things that have happened. If you just locked the door then one day it will burst its hinges and that is more likely to damage you.

colin I was really hoping things would be perfect by now for you. I guess that's the nature of ea though. It takes a looooong time to recover.

ann/peppa don't think we've met yet, unless you're nc that I've not picked up on! But great to hear that the escape and next phase is nigh for both of you. I'm going to hang on your coat tails if I can

no bounty. Im relatively new.

still going on, the manipulation and telling me I am "choosing" to destroy a family. But we're nearing the end. There is light at end of tunnel now, somehow I've turned a corner.

Love to allxxxx

Just wondering if anyone was up.

Not posted for ages, had great advice, quietly planning to leave. Busy unpicking the last 24 years, tyring to find out who I am.

I snore. Just been rudely awakened by a sharp kick in the leg from him. All I could think about was if I had Long QT syndrome I would be dead. My heart is beating so fast.

Its early and I have some time without him looking over my shoulder so wanted to put a few things down on here if thsts ok.

My counsellor wouldn't use the word abuse because she said I avoided the word. I wanted her to use it. I dont know if its all in my head. I dont know if im over reacting. Will you tell me if it is if I give some examples.

He kicks or elbows me to wake me up.
He hates it when I am asleep and will flick my lip or block my nose.
He tells me he has gone over some job I have done to get the bits I have missed.
He taps the gear stick if im in the wrong gear.
He asks for sex even when im ill.
He walks past me and rubs my face with his bare hand for no reason.
Everything is my fault.
If im asleep with a foot sticking out he will scrape his nail down the sole of my foot making me jump.
He complains about the house work all the time.

There's loads more but im just lost....do you think im being abused? What would you do if you were me?

breathe

I am also destroying the family, and get reminded everytime he picks the kids up that its 'my choice.'

I just gently remind him that it wasnt me who broke my wedding vows.

theboiledfrog.

a lot of those listed are quite physical. Read the links in the OP for some great advice & understanding of abuse.

Thanks exterminate I will have a look x

frog I understand that need for someone else to say its abuse and validate you.

My friend said which put things in a slight perspective, do you ever think he sits down and thinks its his fault or how can he stop and change certain things.

I think he sounds vile frog and if that's love do you really want that when your in your 80s?

You don't hurt the person your supposed to love on purpose and take pleasure while doing so.

frog that sounds simply awful. The gear stick thing alone would piss me off. Trying to disturb your sleep is particularly bad.

I know bounty :( I thought it would be better now. Last night was particularly bad. Morning is a bit better. But last night was just awful.

Hi Frog. The disturbing you while sleeping thing sounds very VERY familiar. My first post last year in the AIBU forum (before I came here) was about how my FW used to deliberately wake me up by doing different things. I was frustrated and the response from the forum (such is the way of AIBU) was an outcry. Yes it is abusive, its a way of keeping you on your toes so you never relax.

I think 'quietly planning to leave' is a good way to go. Is there anything you can do in the meantime to ensure you get a decent night's sleep? Would a separate bed be possible? Or would it bring more hassle on your head?

The rubbing your face with his hand thing is familiar too - its about breaking your personal boundaries when he feels like it. My FW came up to me the other day, asked me for a kiss, I reluctantly offered him a cheek and he licked it instead. Bonkers.

and wishing you lots of strength.