Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

[Alchemist]

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

So today is going to be tricky. Its parents evening so we are meeting at the school, having the meetings and then he is taking the DC for dinner. But after this I think he is away with his job until at least Sunday when I think he wants to have them for the day again. I suppose it is reasonable enough but I will always have to be flexible because of his work. I am finding that a bit difficult, why should he still bloody dictate what and when I do things even now?

On the upside, pulled on a new pair of jeans (well new to me, love a charity shop!) which a couple of weeks ago couldn't do up. They fit just right now. Has given me a little lift.

congrats on the jeans!

I hope someone wise will give you advice on the "him away with work thing" - I don't know what to suggest, sorry.

parents evening - big deep breath and try and get through it somehow.
it could be a good time to mention the teacher what is going on - to reinforce that he is still responsible for their education etc.
I have no experience so I don't know what's best, it's just what I think I would do.

was it ok when your DCs got back yesterday?
how is your oldest one doing?

You do not have to be flexible. It's very important for the DCs that you come up with a regular schedule (preferably agreed legally) and that everyone sticks to it. If his work gets in the way, work has to be flexible.... not you and not the DCs. It's early days in this power struggle, right now he thinks he can call the shots.... leaving the family in the lurch, calling when he wants, having the DCs when he wants... and it's important to disabuse him that the world revolves around him and set a few rules right from the off.

You take top priority here.

there, Cogito's got it. excellent advice.

I would avoid a confrontation about flexibility this week. Go for a formal arrangement (for the reasons Cogito outlines) and in the meantime keep a record of your reasonableness.

mummy

I see where you are coming from but I don't think moving away hurriedly would be helpful.
the children need stability & familiarity of the school, friends, routines, the very place they go to bed.
I think another change right now would be just too much for them.

staying put and figuring out practicalities for the immediate future is more important IMO.
that will bring emotional stability too, eventually.

I AM NOT NORMALLY WOO. What a strange day its been. DCs to school and came back home and had a another very hot shower, shaved legs and pits, scrubbed away with a loopha (erm not sure os spelling), cut both finger and toenails and used a lovely body lotion. I know getting washed is not woo but I felt clean. I am on HRT and this morning finished the hormone induced bleed and after the shower I felt cleansed. Bollocks more likely but it felt comforting and warm. Daft. Or another of the firsts? It felt nice and kind.

Anyway, have not even wept a little today. Both DCs really pleased H came to Parents evening and then they went off and had KFC. They were happy. An Inset day on Friday so H is having them 10-3pm. Why couldn't he have done this when he still had a family?

So am conflicted. Miss him, don't miss him, DCs seeming ok atm. Does anyone have a recommendation for a book aged between 7 - 9 which tries to explain what's going on? Thank you again x

ah, I wrote a long post which I deleted by accident!

good you feel cleansed. beginning of the healing process.
also good you had an ok day - you don't have to cry daily you know!

(it's loofah )

Zing You make me smile x

I'm glad I do

You know, this man has been a twat for at least a couple of years. I totally lost myself. Me. I am now a mother first but I do need more. More for now is just to get back to me and to be as good as I can to the DCs.

My birthday is in a couple of weeks. The way its going to work out is that DD is at a Brownies day which she really wants to got to, so that means H will have DS for the day and then take them for something to eat when DD's day finishes. Of course I don't want them away but now I have to let them do what makes them happy. I must do something on that day and I will. I will do it.

that's the spirit! and how exciting!

mum and dad glue. more for 5-6 yr olds but I've just used with my 8 and 6 yr olds and was reassuring for them, nice story. also I dont want to talk about it which I felt was better for eldest.

my h left Friday after 13yrs. he too making effort now with kids where as before anything they did was always my idea initially. I enjoyed the time I had to myself Sunday when he had them. so try to see the positives.

I too am dictated by his work, have been anyway for 10yrs! but I'm calling the shots to try and create some forward planning and routine for dcs.

good luck.

Thanks Minime, will look them out. I am sorry to learn you are going through similar.

What a morning. All ready to leave for school and DD remembers to feed her hamster and shouts out it is doing "something funny". DS screams as they are watching the hamster in its death throws. Poor wee thing. DS just completely lost it and just sobbed. I tookDD to school as DD still wanted to go in but have kept DS home with me. It doesn't take much to work out it wasn't just because of the hamster .

Sorry about the hamster. On the plus side, it could be a useful conversation-starter. How it's OK to be sad about things from time to time, for example, and sometimes rubbish stuff happens that we can't prevent, no matter how much we want to.

sorry about the hamster.
I remember when mine died and it brokemy heart.
but if I was Woo I'd say it feels like "good timing" IYSWIM.

he is now able to express grief and as Cogito said it you can explain things to him and get closer to him on a deeper lever.

poor boy. it's going to be hard for him.

holding your hands from afar

It has been really interesting how the DCs are responding. DS just wants to be with me/at home and, up until yesterday, emotions kept under. DD is now just so angry with everything and screamed this morning that it is Dad's fault the hamster died and made me (as in Mum) miserable.

I am giving as much as I can with loving, cuddles, talking anything they want/need atm but also saying that their Dad loves them too. That fucking sticks in the throat I can tell you. Any advice?

As for me I am up and down but it really had been so awful for at least this past year, I do keep feeling waves of relief coming over me but the next minute I am crying again. Just keep on going I suppose.

I don't have to keep it in anymore, that man was a complete bastard to me over the past year. At times I really thought I was going mad/already was. Things that happened and he denied, telling me how shit I am and how shit I look. I still feel that.

BUT FUCK HIM I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE IT ANYMORE.

Belittling me, rejecting me (Why would I want that?), being mr fucking charm itself with everyone else but me.

What a cunt.

"That fucking sticks in the throat I can tell you. Any advice?"

Be as honest as you can. Say nothing rather than forcing yourself to say anything that sticks in your throat. It's his responsibility to tell them he loves them really, isn't it? You're not his PR agent

I hope you don't tink it's just a standard response, but have you thought of counselling?
your GP can put you in contact with the local person - there's normally a waiting list.

I think it would be useful to get in contact now, don't even think about it, just get the ball rolling.
by the time you have the appointment/sessions offered to you you might not need it anyway or you might need it more than you thought you would.

I had anxiety and panic attacks and suffered from insomnia when I was pg with DS4 and stayed at our PILs for 2months while the first phase of our loft conversion was done.
we moved back two days before he was born.

GP put me on the waiting list when I was 8m pg, and baby was about 8 weeks old by the time I had an appointment to go.
I didn't think I needed it by then, but I thought I'd go for one session then cancel.
I went for 6 weeks (standard length) and asked for another 6 weeks extension.

it was great. I still feel the benefits (7 years ago).

I know it's not the same situation and I don't claim to know what's best for you, but it is certainly something you could try.

I'm so sorry you were treated so badly, you are clearly better off without that toxic man.

oops, bit long and I didn't mean to make it about me. sorry

Oh thank you for replying. I just don't know how to explain, or try to, why he has gone to the DC. Do you think if more ?? I could try with "Mummy can only say what she knows/feels. If you have more ?? ask me and I'll see if I can help?" sort of reply?

I saw my GP when this all first happened and he has referred me to the counselling so am waiting for that to happen. I mentioned above that my DM, DDad, DSis and DBro have all gone - I was offered counselling after my Dsis's death but refused it. I thought I was not the type to want to talk about "stuff" and just get on with it. Well, I was wrong and I do want to talk.

Just typing this out has made the thought cross my mind that I might have just been clinging on because I am frightened to be on my own. Problem is, I was already alone. I think counselling is gong to be a positive step and will hopefully help me along. I have been taking citalopram for nearly two weeks and although I am tired I do feel some measure of, I don't know, but I think I am slightly more even and am also seeing this as a positive.

I really mean my thanks to you for your kind and straight-talking posts. I cannot express my gratitude to be able to write this down and have your help. Nest of vipers, my slightly smaller arse.

do you know why he left?
no.

say you don't know. because it's true.
kids can deal with you being honest.

tell them to ask him. It's his job to answer that question, not yours!
let him squirm, the bastard.