Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

[Alchemist]

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

oh, I'm glad you are on the waiting list!

it must be hard to admit those feelings.
but the first steps to solving any problem are admitting that there's a problem & identifying what the problem is (are).
clarity is so important and you'll get there.

I'm so sorry you don't have your family to help you - but as someone said here (or on another thread? ) you know what they would say so listen to them.

as you said, expressing your feelings and thoughts will help you figure things out, so keep posting, keep talking.
we are here for you!

That's shite, sorry to hear it. If he's taking that route, you must be better off without him. As hard as that is, it must be the way to go, and if it is the way to go, better to get that in your head.

Anyway, they seemed happy enough and we have a busy weekend planned.

I changed the sitting room around a bit today and have the fire going, some smelly candles, a magazine (can't seem to concentrate on reading a book), some wine for later. And I will sit, at peace, in a room I have made the way I want and I think I will enjoy it.

Wah, I typed a post before this one and lost it. H had the kids today 9.30 - 3pm. They had an inset day and he said he was "around". Took their swimming stuff but they ended up going to Uncle X's to watch tv/play on ipad while H worked. They went for lunch at MacD's and then back to Uncle X's to do more of the same until H called and said he had to drop them back early at 2pm "because of work".

This is why you need a much firmer (legally binding) contact schedule. Ad hoc random days where they are shuttled between uncles, TV and fast food joints are not a long-term solution. He has to commit to them.

Cognito, I totally agree. BIL is coming over on Sunday, between us we are going to start going through, well, all that is coming. I do feel weak needing his help but I think once we get going things will come together. I do need BIL though atm.

And seem to be playing many Smiths songs. Now that is a long-term love affair.

That'll cheer you up Alchemist A great love affair of mine also.

/

The Smiths... Oh now you're talking my language

Heaven knows we're all miserable now
That Joke isn't funny anymore
What Difference does it Make

And other cliched advice to you Alchemist. Stay strong (not gladioli sorry)

There is a light that never goes out.., story of my bloody
Life.

Good luck OP. you sound amazing. How are your DC's doing?

Not one of his family have been intouch with the DCs apart from Uncle X but that was becausethey went round there but accoding to "sources" there is a big family lunch to have a celebration meal. A fucking celebration. And according to h he cant see the dcs tomorrow because he is working. This is the future. Just in my knees. Can't see a way forward.

Just thread your whole thread to date. Am sorry that you are going through this. I agree that you need to get some proper access arranged so that you both know where you stand.

You could go to mediation to discuss it with the help of qualified mediators. I had to do that with my XH to get him to see that he couldn't keep messing me, and more importantly, DD, around.

There is a way forward, there is a future. You can't see it right now, but you will. My XH destroyed me by walking out last Easter. It was very sudden, a huge shock to me. But although it has been a slow journey for me, it HAS got better.

Stay strong, stay positive. Get your counselling, get some good legal advice. All these things will help you to feel better and to regain control of your life.

Things will get sorted, you will feel more in control. Start tomorrow with your BIL. Fuck his family and their celebration, if they want to sit there and pretend he isn't a total pillock then that says all you need to know. You are better off without them.

So, anymore charity shop bargains? Done anything to make yourself smile?

When is/was the celebration? What's it for and are your children invited?

Oh, and get access arrangements formalised.

The celebration/commiseration is today. The last time the whole lot of them sat down together was when I cooked fucking Christmas lunch for them two years ago. Well, I'm sure they will have a lovely time discussing H's new life. I have never felt so bitter.

I will begin to get access etc sorted. I just want that man away from me.

Just read your thread.

I am a year down the line but so much of what you have written resonates with me. I was with my h for 10yrs, married 7 with two small children who were 5 & 2 when he left. This last year has been like no other in terms of the emotions I've gone through. Its been the hardest year of my life but i do feel now that I've turned a corner and am looking to the future much more positively.

I recommend counselling. I've had quite a bit over the year, some free but some I paid for which was expensive but I figured I couldn't put a price on getting my head healthy for the sake of the children.

When my eldest asked any questions as to why Daddy didn't live with us anymore I would tell him as gently as I could that daddy wasnt happy and sometimes when people aren't happy they have to go and find ways to remedy this. Beyond that, in response to further questioning I told him to talk to his daddy about it. I don't mind answering some of his questions but didn't see why I had to deal with all of it. My h had to shoulder some of the responsibility. My eldest has struggled the most. He has been prone to lots of unexplained crying over the year and I've literally had to pick up a broken hearted little boy from the floor sobbing when his daddy's visit was over. Just awful. But a year on he too seems to have turned a corner and is getting onto an even keel.

Be kind to yourself. Its a huge adjustment and a massive life changing event. Its hard but you will get there.

BIL came over as we arranged and took the DCs swimming. We arranged to meet in town, he took us to Pizza Express and then gave me my early birthday present. A pair of boots I have been wanting and the DCs took him there and got them. There was a bit of happy crying today.

I just want to be pissed and not think.

He sounds a good egg, your brother-in-law.

I am becoming consumed by the thoughts of them being together. I wonder of she/they feel they've "won" because now he has left. What a prize. What a fool I've been.

DD is an aged 7 ball of fury all directed at me. DS had a bad day at school. He started to cry about Dad and was so upset the school called me in.

I saw H's brother in the street today. He looked like a rabbit in the headlights and turned and walked away as fast as he could. We have just be completely rejected by them all. I am surprised at how bloody hurt I am by this but after nearly 20 fucking years of knowing me a hello would have done.

Alchemist

that is appalling. poor you. poor kids.

Is that the same brother-in-law who spent time with you this weekend?

No, BIL on Sunday is my sister's husband/widower. BIL today is H's brother.