Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

[Alchemist]

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

Good idea about a note or e mail DWB. Good luck.

Put a front on and act the part in the playground. What's the saying? Fake it to make it And remember, people are more worried about what you think about them, to be thinking about you.

Soem good replies here.
One thing I would add is to keep an eye especially on the older child. The younger one is dealing with it in a normal way. And obviously needs your attention as he or she is very upset angry etc.
But your older child may not be at that stage yet. But mustnt be left for too long to fester internally. He or she may need you to be there quietly until he or she feels able to open up about their hurt or betrayal.
to you all. Take care.

See how it goes about school. Ideally it will be best if they no. I would hope end expect htem to be discreet. Though your children may well tell someone at school themselves.

know not no

Thought about you :)

Well, they are at school and went in ok. I told the deputy head and she said she would look out for them.

I have an appointment at CAB on Wednesday. That's all I've done. The house is a tip and I am just looking at it. Spoke to boss who was lovely. I am going in tomorrow only until 1pm. Only work there two mornings a week but I just want to hide. Can't though.

Do you know I think when I am able to stand up straight I will know the first shock will have passed. Am all hunched shoulders and bent head. Eyes are dead.

www.youngminds.org.uk/
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

hope they can help you

or

You're doing a lot better than you think. Good move to talk to school and your employer. People can be surprisingly compassionate and helpful but only if they know what's going on. You'll probably find work to be therapeutic... I certainly did. I remember that home felt very oppressive, lonely and full of painful memories whereas the office had never been a place I associated with my ex so it was easier to function. Almost an oasis.

Good luck

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
And so many of us have been right where you are now so we do have a kind of understanding of what you are going through.
Although we all have different coping mechanisms we do tend to find them eventually.
Right now it's so hard. It's all pain and misery and that's all you can see.
But.... we are all here to tell you, that you do cope, because you have to. Things do get better. And Karma is a cool bitch who will end up biting your 'D'H on the arse!
Be kind to yourself first and foremost. It's hard but you really need to think about you. Eat and keep hydrated. If eating is hard, then smoothies or ice lollies or soups are your best friends right now.
You CAN and you WILL get through this.
Once a man has found an OW they can be so cruel. Don't forget, this is not about you. This is what he has done and his justification for it.
Give the kids lots of love and hugs and don't let that man back into the house. He looks after the kids on your terms and away from you.
And if you want him to have them for more than 1 hour then tell him. He doesn't get to make all the decisions here.
If you want him to have them for 2-3 hours so you can have some alone head space then make sure you tell him.
It's gonna be a tough road but we've all driven it and we're all OK!

just read through Alchemist, and i am so sorry. It happened to me some years ago, and i know just how you are feeling.

Keep going lovely. that's it really, your children will forgive you any tears, they will see you are hurting too. They will be your lifeline through this, and you are their everything and you three deserve the very best. xxxxx

He phoned to arrange to see DC but the day he picked DS is on a trip and not back till late. I am being obstructive .

DD spoke to him but DS did not want to. Don't blame him for not wanting to speak to him, I didn't.

Just feel numb but then I start crying again.

I was up at about 3.30 this morning and, now, just after 6am I have still not cried! Not much but slightly better. Work today and CAB tomorrow, I think it is now real.

He got huffy with you because the day he chose wasn't convenient? On top of all the other insults and injuries he's dished out to you, isn't it funny how something relatively minor can be so revealing? Are you angry yet? That's when the tears slow down IME... when you stop feeling so sorry for yourself, stop caring about him, and start getting annoyed.

Just flashes of anger atm. I did find doing the school run difficult what with the sobbing and snot . Pick up time was better but I still cried while waiting. I suppose it is going to be a series of "firsts" and I hope each one gets a bit easier.

I really appreciate the responses. I have talked to BIL again but I don't want to talk in detail in RL as yet. Small town and am already the subject of gossip. To be able to interact but not reveal myself is so comforting.

You can't easily sob at work. That's why it's a good place to be really. Gives you a bit of a break from going over the same thoughts and being upset all the time and that actually helps improve your mood. Make a conscious decision not to cry when you're doing other tasks and it does the same thing. Over time, the break periods lengthen, join up and become full days.

Have you got angry directly with him at any stage of this?

Prior to the split but not since. I know it will come. It is amazing how I am feeling this morning but am aware it won't last and other messier emotions will come but, for these hours, I feel alright.

That's good. Make the most of it... do something fun, spontaneous or constructive... take the kids out, for example. If they see that you're rallying, they'll be less anxious themselves.

what amess . held it together for school and work but am just broken. He hates me? Why? will cry for a bit and pull myself together for pick up

I think you need to stop worrying about what he thinks, about what people in the town think and start planning/dreaming about what you want for you and yours.

You've got to see the possibilities and not the losses.

I agree with Vivacia... It's torture to sit mulling over someone else's motivations.

I agree, I know you're right but oh so hopeless. Although DCs appear okish (fingers crossed).

Look... the man has insulted, offended and hurt you. He has crapped on you and those closest to you from a great height. You are upset and distressed. But if you let him make you believe your life is hopeless you are saying he's triumphed. This is why you need to find that anger. If not on your own behalf, on your DCs'. If anyone else in the world had upset your DCs this much wouldn't you be going after them deer rifle rather than crying? Focus some fury, feel energised and SCREW HIM.....

Oh Cogito, thank you. Harsh but so very true. It will come...

But then, I do feel lost but then I get a feeling in my gut (emotions plus guts = me) of a tiny bit of excitement. TBH DS said just this evening that it isn't much different you and Daddy being apart. I asked him why and he said its because he is hardly ever here anyway. All true due to the nature of his work.

What I need to focus on is how/where we will live, what on and access arrangements. The access is going to be v tricky again due to the work he does.

On a slightly more stupid note I started premature menopause a couple of years ago. Is it because I lost a certain smell/appeal? Fuck me, I don't know but I will read your post again and begin to pull myself together. Thank you.

Just read your thread Alchemist. You are being so brave. I think you've had some great advice. I too would be open and honest with your children about you feeling scared or feeling sad or feeling happier or feeling stronger. It may encourage them to talk about how they feel too.

And yes, the anger will come. When it does, put on Eye of the Tiger and punch the air (or punch bag) as hard as you can, imagining it is his face. It works in getting rid of some of the anger and frustration and boosting endorphins. I did it when I found out about my husband's affair (once the shock had passed and anger kicked in).

Do not ask yourself what is wrong with you that he left. It is what is wrong with HIM that he wasn't man enough to talk his feelings through with you and try to resolve whatever issue he had before it got to this. It is nothing wrong with you. You are the amazing mother trying to hold it all together. He is an arse.

Just back from CAB and they have given me quite a bit to think about.

Am much more level headed today. This is good.