Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

[Alchemist]

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

Well done! You are doing great. Some days will be hard again of course but so glad you feel ok today. How are the dcs?

Well done.
Take time to think things through. There is no rush as long as you can cope money wise and l hope is going to pay for the DC's etc.
Does he know that you know about the OW!!!

Have arranged for STBX to see the DCs on Sunday. They are excited about it but really it just follows our normal pattern - if Dad home they go swimming and then lunch. Usually it has been all of us having a roast but I have said he can have them 10am to 2pm. I think this is reasonable but am questioning just about everything. Does this seem ok?

Yes, but is still denying it. I have read the scripts on here and fully expect to hear about his "new" girlfriend in the next few months.

But to be honest after the past year where I have been trying so hard and constantly being rejected, it is an explanation of sorts. I am NOT mad, I was NOT mad during it. It was real. I feel a sort of relief, I won't be measured up and found lacking just because I'm me. I hope that makes sense.

Even if had decided that you were 'lacking' it wouldn't be your fault, would it? You can only ever be yourself... you can't be someone else.

I met two friends today and they just let me talk and am amazed I did belly laughs. I get that it was slightly hysterical but I can't remeberr the last time I laughed like that. All the shite to come is going to be worth it. You know, it will be. I know I will be very up and down but it feels like a fucking great stone has been lifted. I can relax, the children can relax. I suppose he can relax too.

Well done Alchemist, you're doing so well, so quickly.

Brilliant attitude Alchemist well done x

I think I have been sort of prepared but frightened to make it real. now it is I think in the emotional way but we have to sort all the rest out. I hope I can keep my head and try to make a new start and just keep it together. This is what I hope to do

Asked for some clothes to be left out for him. Went up to my bedroom and cleared 3 bin bags. I was dry-eyed and as I emptied drawers was thinking what I can now use them for.

Anyway was here when he collected. As much as I don't want this I have agreed he can now have the DCs 10 - 5ish on Sunday. Of course they want to see their dad .Money been tight for years but now much tighter so am trying to think of how to fill the day. So far have come up with the Archers, Sunday papers, dye hair, lie around fretting and anything funny I can look at/listen to. The DCs need this and, I never thought I could be this fucking reasonable, so does their dad.

Obviously have had break ups before but not with children and after so long. This is all so new but we have to sit down and work out what now. Mentioned BIL in other post but, although obviously "on my side" likes H but would be able to advise me when solicitors are involved. Again, I question what I think is alright but I hope I am heading the best way.

And for the first time we all now have fucking nits. Nits! I hope he has too

You're doing well Alch, even if it does feel like wading through treacle.
Blast the nits. We had worms recently !
Keep rolling

Oooh I so hope he has nits ...and no nitty gritty comb!

So today's challenge is to de-nit the DCs and myself. On the way back from the chemist I looked in the charity shop and found a lovely bottle green jumper. My favourite colour, its in the washer now and I am looking forward to wearing it. Small steps but they are steps.

He is having the DCs today and I am a wreck. That fucking green jumper is not goig to help now. Am in a panic and am tring to keep it together telling the DCs how loevey it will be to spend the daywith Dad. This is torture

Your DCs will have a nice day with Dad. Do you have a friend you could meet for coffee rather than sitting home alone?

Alchemist I sent you a PM.

I have no wise words, but thankfully previous posters have said really great things and good advice.

You are the parent who stayed that's a very good mantra.
hope you can take your mind off things a bit today.
sending you big hugs

Take care. Go out. We're all willing you to have a good day. x

When you're going through Hell, keep going.

Ive just read through all your posts Alchemist you are doing so well. Please do something nice for you today- keep going you are doing really well.

how are you doing?

Thank you for your kind messages. TBH I have spent most of the day on sofa with a blanket and hot water bottle. I have watched crappy tv and actually slept for a couple of hours but dreamt I had lost my children so wasn't quite as relaxing as it might have been. Went for a coffee at friends and am now home waiting for them to come back.

Nearly there for today.

Well done - some 'me time' for you. Hope you enjoy the rest of the evening with your children and it's not too painful. One step at a time...

sorry about your bad dream.
otherwise that's sounds like a good, healing day.

well done!