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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

537 replies

Alchemist · 02/11/2013 17:50

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

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Minime85 · 24/02/2014 22:53

speechless. what happens to these men we thought we knew? that is just shocking. glad you gave him the response he deserved. I dont think men realise the importance of the actual birthday to us as mums for our dcs let alone why he would think his poor dd needs to do that on her birthday.

myroomisatip · 24/02/2014 23:02

He is really unbelievable. Horrible selfish man :(

Have to say you have great taste though, wine and LC! Bliss.

You will be okay. It takes some time to get there, but you really will.

Loggins · 25/02/2014 09:30

Good grief, he just keeps confirming what an utter knob he is. Glad you told him what you thought of his birthday 'treat'.

And on the money front, you do not have to explain a single thing to him about what you spend it on.
Let him Skype the children but you don't have to talk to him

Original poster
Alchemist · 26/02/2014 16:59

Am still steaming and now upset, what a twatty git I was with.

Following the above, it now seems is job has taken top spot again and he is now not seeing DD on bd.

He is just playing with me, I think.

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Loggins · 27/02/2014 01:12

Sorry lovely, just seen your post.
All the more reason why you shouldn't discuss his shite.
You are so much happier when theres no contact, read back if you don't believe me :)

I know that he works away a lot but you and the children need a routine? A bit of structure?

Loggins · 27/02/2014 01:15

And forgot to say, that's a result! You get to spend DD birthday with her doing something lovely.
(Not for one second did I think you would agree to anything less)

Original poster
Alchemist · 27/02/2014 09:14

Have emailed H and told him contact with me must be via email/text. I will have to see him when he does collect them but will be minimal. I do not want to speak to him and have made that plain.

That made me feel good Smile.

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Original poster
Alchemist · 27/02/2014 11:32

Have been going through money/finances etc and, although I am not going to be well off, I think we will be ok. I have created two spreadsheets to show what I am receiving both with and without child maintenance. Will be tight but totally doable. I have discovered a new love of spreadsheets and lists Blush.

I really would like to move though but still in the same area. Although my house is 3 bed the place is just too large. The garden is 100 ft long and qute wide and has always defeated me. I can see us in a tidy terrace with a smallish garden I could manage. That's for the future though.

Big Dog is coming for a visit soon. Lovely.

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Minime85 · 27/02/2014 21:42

glad all looking well finances wise, I think that is a huge burden isn't it. I'm finding feeling the weight of being the only one to rely on to bring money in a heavy one.

think its a good idea to text/e mail only too. I'm very business like at the moment and ex keeps saying why are you sounding like u are talking to a receptionist. I just want to say bollocks.

anyway good news about big dog too Smile

Loggins · 28/02/2014 00:09

Good on you, on all counts.
Now set yourself a nice new email and save the old one just for him, then you only have to have a look when you feel like it.
Have you laminated your spreadsheets though? That's quite addictive or so I've heard :) Remember they are for you, it's none of knobheads business

Original poster
Alchemist · 01/03/2014 07:21

I HATE THE TWAT. I ACTUALLY HATE HIM.

Was supposed to be picking up DC at 7.30 this AM. He phined at 7am (despite me telling him email/text but I answered - slaps own hand) to say he will be 3 hours late "you know, work" accompanied by lovely giggling from his companion.

Just why? I mean he is with her, is getting the divoorce he wants, the DC are parented by me and he gets just the right amount of time with the DC to be fun dad and not do any of the real stuff.

That's what he wants so why is he tormenting me?

I am so hurt but so fucking angry.

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Original poster
Alchemist · 01/03/2014 07:30

And he was late with the maintenance! Angry

Loggins, what I meant with my lovely spreadsheets is that I am showing ME what I have coming and going. Not H, he can ask all he wants but I won't tell!

AND I am in a huff because I don't have a laminator .

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MissScatterbrain · 01/03/2014 07:47

CSA it is then? Horrible how so many men like to use maintenance as a tool for controlling their exes.

Minime85 · 01/03/2014 08:04

oh no what an idiot that man is. I am sorry . how could he do that to dd?

Doha · 01/03/2014 08:40

How long was he supposed to be having the kids for? If it was just the day l would be tempted to cancel access this weekend.
Email him so that there is a paper trail explaining your reasoning and ggo out and have a lovely day with you DC's

HowGoodIsThat · 01/03/2014 08:48

Sweet Moses - he just doesn't get it! I tend to agree with Doha. If you now have to wait around for the morning just because he can't be arsed to get up and get dressed, he is going to repeat this behaviour again and again. This is a formal arrangement. If he misses his slot, he misses his slot - like a GP appointment. Why should you and your poor kids have to hang around killing time at his behest?

Time to get all arrangements formalised and put some very clear parameters in place.

Can you improvise with cling film?

Doha · 01/03/2014 08:53

there are many MNrs who have access to a laminator. Would you be prepared to email a copy to one of us and we can send it back by post.??

HowGoodIsThat · 01/03/2014 08:55

And he isn't tormenting you. You are allowing his behaviour to torment you. You need to depersonalise this otherwise it will drive you insane (says me in the full knowledge its easy for me to say cos I ain't in your shoes).

From his actions, I'd say that he is not only not tormenting you, he isn't even thinking about you - or the kids. He's in a little pink fluffy bubble and I doubt that you or your reality even crosses his mind other than as an occasional dark cloud. When the dark cloud impinges on him, he sticks his fingers in his ears and chants LALALA very loudly and parties all the harder. The dark cloud of his actions will swamp him eventually, even if not for years, but for now, he is high on the artificial sugar-rush of his new life. Fucker.

Original poster
Alchemist · 01/03/2014 10:05

He then turned up at 9.15.

Anyway, spoke to him and have told him I/we will not be messed around again. Used the GP analogy and will stick to it.

I am off out for a drink with mates tonight and am going to bloody enjoy it. I may also experiment with cling film Smile

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Original poster
Alchemist · 01/03/2014 10:08

HowGood You are totally spot on. I don't know how I can depersonalise but aam going to have to learn.

Fucker indeed. That seems a bit mild.

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Minime85 · 01/03/2014 11:41

think how good 's post is spot on! definitely the last bit! Smile

HowGoodIsThat · 01/03/2014 16:50

Enjoy the drink. Grin

I am sorry if my posts this morning were a bit blunt - I didn't mean to throw down the challenge of depersonalisation in quite such a forthright manner.

I have watched my mate get suckered into obsessing about her Fucker - being convinced that his actions were deliberately thought out to cause her pain and inconvenience at every turn, until the point where it was poisoning her. And yet, it was so clear that he just wasn't giving them any thought at all. He was doing just enough with the kids so as not to be completely ostracised - but otherwise was away in his own fantasy world. Meanwhile she was allowing him to dominate her life by fretting over every possible permutation of meaning in his actions (or even inactions). It became a weird sort of one-sided co-dependancy for a long time.

I am in no implying that you are in this position - your posts are too clear-sighted and you come across as having a much stronger core than she did - but it jabbed my buttons a bit as it brought back many echos of similar conversations. Sorry.

HowLongIsTooLong · 01/03/2014 17:14

Have been lurking but I just want to tell you how great you are doing Alchemist. Keeping the sense of humour intact is no mean feat so Daffodil Daffodil Daffodil for that!

I separated from my ex two years ago and despite the fact it was my decision and I am definite about how right it is, I really don´t know how I would cope with that "giggling companion" story. What an unfeeling bastard. The challenge of staying civil for the kids in the face of totally shit behaviour, eh.

Original poster
Alchemist · 01/03/2014 20:43

Thank you to all but, HowGood, you are being blunt. You made me wake up a bit. I thank you for your words, needed them. Thanks

Had a few drinks, walked home, ate cheese and am having a gin and tonic.

This morning not so good.

Tonight is much more pleasing Smile. Also saw my most heavenly pup today. I AM IN LOVE!

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Original poster
Alchemist · 03/03/2014 17:59

Oh man, that should have said NOT being blunt! I am sorry HowGood Thanks

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