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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

537 replies

Alchemist · 02/11/2013 17:50

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

OP posts:
HowGoodIsThat · 03/03/2014 19:43

Flowers back at ya!

Grin
louby44 · 03/03/2014 21:55

Spent the evening reading your posts (all 427 of them) felt like I was on this journey with you.

I went through all of this in 2005/06 when my exH left me and my 2 DS (3 & 5 at the time) it was bloody awful.

Met a decent (or so I thought) man in March 2008 and spent nearly 6 wonderful years with him, before he gradually showed his true colours with his bullying, dominating, cruel emotional abuse towards me and my 2 boys.

We split in December (instigated by me) and he finally left in February. He's currently shacked up with his new woman and her 4 yr old (who he says he met AFTER our split). So my emotions are mirroring yours.

You sound like a lovely, intelligent caring woman. We WILL get through this. Women are such wonderful creatures.

SB2014 · 04/03/2014 17:21

I'm excited too at the thought of your new love arriving.

One who will never judge you or hold a grudge.
One who will always be pleased to see and greet you, no matter how his own day has gone.
He will never be jealous of new friends you bring home, but will greet them enthusiastically.

I love these few lines by Byron, who loved his dog Boswain dearly.

Who possessed Beauty
Without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferocity,
And all the Virtues of Man
Without his Vices.

Perhaps you'll post on the dog section at MN (kennel?) as I'd love to read of Pup's homecoming and what "Big Dog" makes of him.
I'm sure the arrival of Pup will help your children.

Alchemist · 04/03/2014 21:27

Oh louby what a grim night's reading for you but thank you for your message and, yes, we are amazing! Grin

SB I am so thrilled to be welcoming a dog to our home. On Saturday night, I was getting the "New Parents Talk" from my friends who all have dogs. Like "Oh just wait until Pup howls in the night and gthen poos everywhere and chews everything" and I was sitting there saying, in a very sure way, that MY Pup would NEVEr behave like THAT" while they gave each other knowing looks! Grin

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Alchemist · 04/03/2014 21:48

DD's bd is going to be difficult as Wonder Dad is now going to attend the dinner. DD is adamant that I should attend. I explained how I didn't want to spoil her evening and that I wasn't sure I could be as calm as everyone would like, you know, sitting down to dinner etc. She wants me there and him there too.

I heard DS talking to DD saying that Mum shouldn't have to come as she will be sad. They settled that convo by having a full on fight civilised discussion. I think tomorrow night may be the same but only will the adults.

I really don't want to see him let alone eat with him but I think I have to this time. Only an hour or two. Give me strength.

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Minime85 · 05/03/2014 17:23

gosh sounds awful. I'm reasonably amicable but was bad enough doing our dd's birthday together in February. but I know how much it meant to her and will do in years to come so I'm sure you will get through it. and your dd will really value that and so will u when u come out the other side. just keep thinking twat in your head. good luck x

HowGoodIsThat · 05/03/2014 19:10

You are doing it for her. She wants you there because she wants you there. Find your far away safe place, meditate on Pup, sit as far away as you can and hope it passes quickly. Think of it as metaphorical gall stones. Each interaction with him may hurt like hell but it will pass from your system.

If he gets your goat, think "Gallstone, Fucker, Gallstone". Of course, the sensible constructive option is to think of the DCs and that he facilitated them, but I think I'd go the gallstone route.

Ooh - Minime85 has already nominated a mantra word...

Alchemist · 08/03/2014 19:07

Wish I had read these before I met him. Oh I was vile. Pure bile dripping from my mouth but using such nice words. The DC obviously saw through it and DD was more upset as I think she thought getting us together would make it all alrigh i.e. together again. We talked later and she said she knows we won't be together again and she knows now I can't be normal Mummy when he is around. I am ashamed of myself but I am not ashamed of the large glass of red wine I managed to knock over H.

Of course it was an accident. Or I was being kind? I wanted to save him from looking like the prick he is wandering around in his smashing skinny jeans. Think of Max Wall and you are getting there Grin.

Anyway, what the past few days have shown me is that I really don't want him. I know there will be days I might do but something has changed in my head. I don't want him anymore. He may not want me but I DON'T WANT HIM and it will show in our future contact.

DS, DD and ME with the Pup very soon. I can remember saying to BIL in the early days that I would be feeling better (not healed but better) by Spring and I think we all are to an extent.

Best wishes to all Thanks

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Minime85 · 08/03/2014 23:17

oh alchemist I did laugh at the red wine moment, marvellous well done. its so important to go through that stage and probably as hard as it is for your dd too.

my youngest got daddy to stay for coffee the other day and u can tell as u said it was thinking it might get us together. she said why are u talking you dont love each other anymore. hurts and so sad.

well done on getting through it and I hope you too have enjoyed a nice glass of wine this evening Thanks

Alchemist · 13/03/2014 19:10

Hello!

Well, what a shocking few days. More upset rfom H's family as it has been revealed H's DB, who is 50, married and shagging a 20 year old.

I feel so sad for SIL but, not a nice part of me, I am still almost writhing with sheer pleasure at the thought. As I said, not a nice part of me. I saw H's DB today and I just grinned at him. He, after making eye contact, suddenly couldn't see me Grin. So, yes I am bitter, sour and spiteful. I don't care about that lot apart from my poor, shattered SIL.

I said ^^ that something had changed in my mind regarding H. If I had not had that change I think this news would have made it happen. What a load of toxic twats they are.

Thanks

In other news my Gentleman Caller will be paying a visit tomorrow evening. Happily, I know him to be completely single and free. I am in the midst of major refurbishment at the mo Grin. It has been a long time since I have had any, well, intimacy. I did post under another name about these problems but have got the old confidence back and am getting ready to go.

Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin

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TalkingintheDark · 13/03/2014 21:34

Had my brows done today, Alch, and I thought of you... Now it's major refurbishment, I hear! Grin Good for you, and may you reap your rewards tomorrow eve...

V interesting re stbx-BIL. Toxic bunch of twats indeed. Was your FIL an adulterous wankbadger as well? Your MIL is certainly toxic and vile, she made some awful comments to you a while back, didn't she? And hooray, she'll soon be your ex-MIL!

Well done for surviving DD's birthday.

Looking forward to your next update....

Nosilac · 13/03/2014 22:42

I'm so sorry you're going through this and your dc are struggling so much. My husband of 22 years left in November after I discovered he is having an affair with another officer in the TA (serve your country, destroy a marriage!). Well I threw him out. His parents are divorced and still on speaking terms so he assumed I would react the same way - how wrong he was.

My boys are older - 19 and 16, eldest at uni - same uni as affair partner's son and my son is friends with hers - what a mess. Husband doesn't keep in contact with youngest between visits to help him with revision once a week - youngest has Asperger's and Dyslexia and sitting his "Highers" (Scottish A-levels) this year so needs a fair amount of help. I've explained to both boys that I am going to be upset and indeed they've seen me very upset, but have assured them that I will be ok in the long term, but there's no quick fix.

Like you I have no close family - parents both died over 10 years ago and I have no siblings. The week I found out about affair was the 10th anniversary of my Dad's death - not the best week I've had. I have found that my youngest's mood is affected by how I am. If I wobble, then so does he, so I just need to keep reassuring him that it will all be okay in time. He doesn't cope well with change, but in many ways the house is a nicer place to be with just the two of us in it and we rub along well together. Husband is a control freak - probably has Asperger's too, but also some sort of obsessive personality disorder - not the easiest to live with.

My employer has been amazing and I've only missed a couple of days at work as I find the distraction of being there keeps me going - making sure I see someone every day - even for a short time makes a huge difference. I only work part time so I know I'll need to get more hours eventually, but at the moment tax credits are making things bearable.

My friends have been great and I try to go out for a walk with one friend a few times a week. Obviously it's not so easy when your children are younger, but if your BIL is willing, maybe he could watch your children while you get out for a bit. Try to eat a little - I think I survived on tea and bananas for the first month, but gradually things will get easier. I do have awful days still - had to leave work on Tuesday - but I can see a way forward.

Take all offers of help from friends - they will keep you sane. The advice about being a team is spot on - my boys know I am the anchor and will always be there for them. They see their Dad, but don't seek him out - they wait until he makes contact. I get all the calls from uni about changing flats, all the documents about being guarantor for rent etc (not sure thats a privilege!) - I know eldest trusts me where he wouldn't trust his Dad to do stuff like that.

Look after yourself, visit your GP - even just to touch base and make them aware in case you need help in future - keep children's school in the loop - my son's pupil support teacher has been amazing as son has problems putting things into words but this teacher knows him well and knows just how to talk to him - he's the most amazing teacher I've ever met and has made son's life so much easier over the last few months. Try to keep normal routines and activities - distraction works for the kids too. I also did practical things by email where possible as phoning was difficult - council tax, banking etc.

Take care and know you're not alone.

Minime85 · 14/03/2014 17:10

have fun with gentleman caller Grin
when does your little dog come?

x

HowGoodIsThat · 14/03/2014 18:44

I am glad to see the re-appearance of the GC. Wine

Alchemist · 15/03/2014 05:34

Many, many thanks for all your support and help. Thanks

At this moment, I have only one thing to say and that is Grin.

OP posts:
TalkingintheDark · 15/03/2014 09:08

Hooray!!! Grin

CurtWild · 15/03/2014 09:28

De-lurking to give you a bunch of Flowers..it's good to see the Grin! Like you I've found MN an awesome place to be and to vent and cry and be supported through my separation.
All the very best ..we will do just fine without men in our lives who don't deserve us (and maybe you've found one who does!). Have a fab day Smile

oldgrandmama · 15/03/2014 11:49

Drinking a big toast to you, Alchemist - well, OK, not right now, but tonight ... got a nice bottle of Cava in the fridge. You're an inspiration, you really are.

By the way, going way back in your posts, the stuff about the 'frilly knickers and bra' in the bag of your kids' washing. I'd bet anything that was NOT an accident - the OW deliberately did that. It's classic behaviour, sort of marking her territory. When my ExH used to meet the OW (turned out to be my best friend), at the end of the assignation, as she got out of his car, she'd 'playfully' squirt him with her perfume atomiser so that I'd know when he got back home. His excuses varied from 'some woman brushed up against me in the squash club bar' or 'my mate asked if I thought his wife would like the scent for her birthday'. Twat!

Anyway, tonight - CHEERS, OP Wine

Alchemist · 25/03/2014 18:41

Hello! I hope you are all well and in good form. Thanks

Over the past few weeks I haven't had a laptop, so no MN most of the time. I did think of this thread and missed it.

I had a lovely evening with Gentleman Caller who was kind, gentle and just what I needed Smile. On the Saturday I received a huge bunch of lilies to say thank you for a magical evening! Perked me up no end! Am seeing him again this Friday evening and am quietly having a smile to myself.

Had a bit of a nasty convo with H yesterday about the DC. He basically admitted he does not have much interest in them but is still happy to see them once a week. I did not know how to reply to that and said bye but I still don't know what to do or respond. I honestly still can't believe he said it and means it. I just cannot take it inl.

Ending this on a happier note, our pup arrives tomorrow Grin! Just so lovely Grin. Thanks

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Weathergames · 25/03/2014 18:57

My OH left me 2 weeks ago different scenario but same feelings of separation got Diazepam yest and anti Ds but also went and had Acupunture today which has really really helped me.

Minime85 · 25/03/2014 21:40

yeah to pup.

boo to Dh. what the? how could he say that? twat.

glad you enjoyed gentleman caller visit Smile I've been on 2 dates too with same bloke. it does feel good to smile again doesn't it Grin Grin

Alchemist · 26/03/2014 06:24

Oh Mini YES! Yes, it does Smile.

Weather I am so sorry to hear you are suffering. I too have ADs and had some diazepam too. They did help me although now am only using the AD as GP wouldn't give me more lovely diazepam.

Would you like to talk some more? Thanks

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Alchemist · 26/03/2014 06:30

The DC don't know she is arriving today, they think it is tomorrow Smile. Darling Pup.

Just to add Weather while I am not 100% when I look back to the beginning of this thread, I barely recognise the person writing as me. The help and support I have received here is amazing. Thanks

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Minime85 · 26/03/2014 06:56

weather acupuncture is great I'm going today Smile. hope u are OK. it does get better. promise Thanks

Alchemist · 26/03/2014 22:30

BY GOD! I think I may have been lucky enough to find the perfect dog!

This was all so far in front of me but now it is here. Our family now consists of DS, DD, Dcat (I know has not been mentioned but has been here nearly 6 years. His name is not Ferdie but will do) and DDog and me. I know we can do it but still can't think about a reply to H.

Anyway, Thanks

OP posts: