Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

[Alchemist]

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

Hello again, I was wondering if you could help me sort out what I am feeling because I can't make sense of myself .

I feel happy, content and astonished I am continuing to feel this way but I also feel like I am looking over my shoulder, waiting for something to take it all away again. I know logically it won't happen but I feel it. The divorce is going through, we may have to move but that doesn't upset me as I would quite like to move, DC doing well, DDog lovely, me happy but I feel nervous.

Also, friends are telling me how happy and relaxed I seem. And I am. So what is this twitchiness?

MAybe it's because you spent so long 'looking over your shoulder' for the next blow-up, walking on eggshells, being out of control, that it seems UN-natural to you to have nothing to stress about? Sometimes it is hard to accept that we can actually be 'happy', not-wound-up, just cruising, rather than waiting for the next problem/crushing blow. Especially when you've been through your experiences.

I'd say enjoy it, but it sounds trite. Life is not (always) a series of lurches - sometimes it is just plain sailing.

I'm not making sense - just that I think it's normal . Long may it last (the quiet, I mean!)
- for your flowershop .

I think it could just be that because things were so bad u are waiting for the catch now they are going better.

it doesn't mean there will be one though. try and just enjoy it. you deserve it x

Sweet Moses - given how entirely your life has turned upside down, you wouldn't be human if you didn't have a residual twitchiness. If ever the old adage "This too shall pass" was lived out, its been your life in the last 6 months. No wonder you are left with a sense of "Yikes, what's the next thing to go bat shit crazy?".

I suffer from this from time to time -everything is fine but I feel a sense of creeping doom around the periphery of my life. If I try to look it squarely in the eye, it vanishes but then re-emerges when I relax. I give myself a stern talking-to. Actually, "This too shall pass" ain't a bad way to approach it. As they say in yoga, notice it, acknowledge it and then let it go.

Thank you for the replies, I suppose it is just time and relaxing into our new life.

I've allowed H to upset me again and I am annoyed with myself. It's to do with the way he speaks to me. He is just so dismissive, insulting, sneery and cold and it really got to me on Friday and I ended up crying after they had gone. H speaks and looks at me as if \I am nothing which, to him, I suppose I am. However, I am not, so pulled myself together and told him to stop it. He wasn't best pleased and drove off in a huff . This morning he called and apologised but this has made me more angry. Don't use your smarmy charming voice with me Sunshine! I know you .

Anyway,

by return.

You are not nothing to him - you are the mother and co-parent of his kids and a woman who he has cheated upon and lied to. Somewhere in his soul, he knows that and so he tries to justify his own actions by treating you as a non-person.

You did the right thing - call him on it each and every time. Your kids deserve to see you both treating each other with respect - you keep a firm hold of that moral high-ground! In the long term, your kids will value you for it. Dignity and grace and this too shall pass.

Then stick a pin in the voodoo doll in secret!!

Not quite a voodoo doll but I do have a picture I take out every so often and sort of stab at with a pen. Of course, he is missing teeth, has spots and glasses ;). I also came across the last glass left from our wedding. It's a champagne flute. When the divorce comes through I have planned to drink a bottle of champagne using the glass, disfigure the photo once more and then get rid of them both.

I sound deranged.

I read that post and nodded sagely, thinking what a suitable plan it was.

alchemist I think a plan is coming together! I like it.

I think it's really good you set a boundary for him about how to treat you, and you should be proud of yourself. And your strategies for dealing with the ensuing anger are inspirational!

I like your plan too.

On the subject of flowers (backtracking a bit here, I know) I saw some lovely dahlias the other day.

I adore dahlias! One Sunday we were walking home after being at the park, passed the community centre where a dahlia show was taking place. The most perfect blooms only were shown and the gardeners were selling the "imperfect" blooms. I asked (joking) "how much for the lot?". £5 please (serious). One of the best £5 I have spent, my house was completely filled with glorious dahlias :).

Ramble away! Lovely story. I love dahlias too. These ones I saw were such beautiful colours, just glowing. Will pop back and get a couple when I have more time to peruse...

Hello again,

I collared H on Saturday morning when he brought the DC back.

What prompted me was the night before Gentleman Caller came round. We were sitting, drinking some fizzy stuff he brought me (3 bottles! Good boy!), looking at the flowers he gave me and it struck me that GC was actually looking at me, looking into my eyes, listening and responding like a person who likes me and wants to spend time with me. It just brought home to me how long I had lived half a life with H.

H has managed to avoid any emotional talk but this is what had been missing fo r me. I told him just how he had made me feel, made the DC feel and how I am feeling about him, his family especially his sister after the trailer trash comments. DS heard her screaming down the phone telling me that. DS doesn't want to see H's sister for a bit as he saw how upset I was. I did get upset while talking but still told him what I needed to.

The tears felt clean. I'm completely done. I don't even hate him. Nothing.

wow. sounds very therapeutic and a moment of clarity. I'm glad gentleman caller still working out and that he has helped you to feel that way.

I'm a bit stupid and sad. Oh I dpont want him but oww

Pissed.

what a stupid mess I am

YOu aren't stupid. You do sound sad. You have every right to be sad. It isn't easy to look back on bad times with a clear view. Maybe no more wine tonight - a bath and some sleep instead?

Hang in there, m'dear.

oh alchemist I hope you are OK. u need a nice

I think it hits us sometimes. even though we don't want them anymore its the loss of that family unit. I don't think I'll ever get over that 100%. him yes but not what he did to our little unit. take care

just pissed but have ,y Hound. She is lovely and just the best xx

I know I will be ashamed. I apologise to you.

Wahhhhhhhhhhh xxx

Oh feckedy feck, ashamed of the pissed and loving the Hound.

I am a sillyBilly and will now go to bed. Best place now

I love my dog :) xxxx and the smell of the hound makes me melt.

My best to you xxxx

What am stupid woman I am

you are anything but stupid honey. You are an unbelievably strong woman who is allowed a wobble occasionally

I nthink I am ok but then...

I love the drink but I don't think it loves me.

All over. That'x it. Think than't why I'm so sad.

Oh well, we all love The Hound and she is just heaven. She is kind x

The Hound will give you unconditional love--l know mine does x