Is this normal? I can't tell anymore

[Longhairedcat]

Ok have posted on here previously about new BF of 2 months and problems with penetrative sex. I need some advice and opinions on whether I am over worrying/ overthinking which is possible due to previous EA relationship slightly skewing my thinking, or does it just heighten your senses?

Anyway the issues are:-

1. still not had penetrative sex but do everything else. He won't really say why just that it will happen. He now tells me he has ordered a toy, not totally unexpected as we have chatted about it. Is that weird or not?
   
   
2. he talks as though he wants a future with me and he has found someone he loves but I find this hard to accept, not so much because of the short time span as I know it can happen, but because he was very hurt by breakup of last relationship which was only in the spring
   
   
3. a few times he has said things to me in the name of 'teasing' but to me they didn't sound like that. For example if I've said something unintentionally that he hasn't liked that's when he seems to do this
   
   
4. for the first few weeks we seemed to see eachother more frequently than now. I know we can't keep up seeing eachother every night but I suppose I'm just a bit insecure
   
   I suppose I just can't work him out properly yet. Is that normal at this stage? I'm very out of practice. I would say the vast majority of the time we enjoy eachothers company. I'm scared of another abusive relationship

[Longhairedcat]

I think I may be better ringing because if I send an email he can not reply and I will still wonder or he can delay replying or be evasive but its more difficult when someone asks you outright. I can't stand being left dangling anymore. But I don't want to push either and maybe I should let him come to the conclusion he wants me and chase me. It's a total dilemma HELP

[cjel]

I think you have answered your own question about your dilemma.
'I can't stand being left dangling anymore'

[Longhairedcat]

In my situation what would you honestly do?

[Lweji]

I think you are forgetting one thing here. Do you want him? Do you really?

You sent the first text, he's avoiding the issue, being non-committal and talking about his day.

My guess is he's waiting for you to apologise and ask for him back. He left saying it was your problem didn't he?
He hasn't rang you to speak to you, even asked for some more time to process it.
Personally, I'd let it go and cut it off now.

The teasing alone would have raised an eyebrow for me.

[Longhairedcat]

Hi lewji I already apologised if I upset him in a text on the night he left ( yes I know you'll probably think it was stupid" but I did feel a bit bad because it must have been bad for any man in that situation

When I text him yesterday asking if he was ok I asked if he wanted to come over last night, again he was non committal, yes your right he hasn't rang whereas before we spoke every day. I had decided to let it go last night and deleted all his contacts so I couldn't get in touch then he messaged me and I mistaking lay thought he wanted the relationship

Having just written this it's staring me in the face. I'm shocked though,after the way he was with me he seemed so genuine

[cjel]

I honestly would have to leave it,I'm afraid, Like Lweji said you have done all the running and he sounds like hes being polite and just doesn't want to be nasty to you.
If its meant to be it will be and his problem will become smaller than his need to have you in his life and he will get it sorted.
I don't really think you can do any more than you have and I think its up to him now.
Sorry I can only imagine how horrid this is for youx

[Longhairedcat]

He wasn't for real was he? Otherwise that incident wouldn't have resulted in this

[DollyTwat]

Longhairedcat, this sounds incredibly hard work

The first months of a relationship should be carefree, and the building blocks you fall back in in the future. If he goes off and sulks at the first tricky situation that needs discussing, can you imagine down the line trying to sort out anything else?

[Lweji]

No, you were not stupid.
You did what a good person would do. He's the one with the odd behaviour.

[Longhairedcat]

I feel sick tbh

[Lweji]

My best guess is that if you do finish now, you'll have had a lucky escape.

[cjel]

He was for real - just not the real you had imagined, I think that you have done all you can, you have recognised things that bother you very early on and not allowed yourself to get sucked in by his strange behaviour.

It is sad and hard when we really want someone to love us as we love them, but if they don't we need to cry and move to someone who does

[Longhairedcat]

I see what your saying dolly but I was prepared to view this somewhat differently from your average relationship problem because its such a sensitive subject for a man so I was willing to give some leeway.

I can see though that he will keep emailing me, he didn't need to do that this morning. It's almost like he's gone back to how our relationship started again

[Lweji]

He is emailing, but he's not mentioning anything about what happened and actually mending things with you, is he?

[DollyTwat]

I know it's disappointing but you didn't invest too much time thankfully. Can you imagine trying to choose cereal with this man in 20 years time? By email!?

[Longhairedcat]

Thank you, all of you. I just saw an email sent by him only 4 days ago saying what a lovely weekend we'd had how he'd enjoyed meeting my (adult) children and that he loved me and this was all he hoped for the rest of his life

[Longhairedcat]

No lewji he isn't mentioning it or mending it. This is what I don't understand. Why bother at all if he's not going to try to mend it?

[Lweji]

He doesn't want to. He wants you to mend it for him, by brushing it off under the rug and not complain again.

If he really wants you and he really is processing everything, he will get back to you with a real conversation.

I'd definitely let it go for now and probably not even bother responding to any e-mails unless they address the issues. Then it's for you to decide how long you are prepared to wait.

[Longhairedcat]

I think I wil do just that, not reply to anything as I am making it too easy for him to keep me dangling whilst he either, finishes his sulk, finishes his punishment of me or plucks up courage to face me again. If he wants me he will chase me

[Lweji]

Sounds like a good plan. :)
And the right attitude.
Wishing you all the best, whatever happens.

[cjel]

sadly I think that is all you can dox

[Longhairedcat]

Thank you cjel I envisage I will get an email or text questioning why I don't rely and that will be my opening to say I don't want that sort of relationship

[Longhairedcat]

Reply not rely

[cjel]

that sounds like a planx

[claudedebussy]

yes i agree. perfect plan.