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Original poster

Is this normal? I can't tell anymore

151 replies

Longhairedcat · 29/10/2013 21:58

Ok have posted on here previously about new BF of 2 months and problems with penetrative sex. I need some advice and opinions on whether I am over worrying/ overthinking which is possible due to previous EA relationship slightly skewing my thinking, or does it just heighten your senses?

Anyway the issues are:-

  1. still not had penetrative sex but do everything else. He won't really say why just that it will happen. He now tells me he has ordered a toy, not totally unexpected as we have chatted about it. Is that weird or not?

  2. he talks as though he wants a future with me and he has found someone he loves but I find this hard to accept, not so much because of the short time span as I know it can happen, but because he was very hurt by breakup of last relationship which was only in the spring

  3. a few times he has said things to me in the name of 'teasing' but to me they didn't sound like that. For example if I've said something unintentionally that he hasn't liked that's when he seems to do this

  4. for the first few weeks we seemed to see eachother more frequently than now. I know we can't keep up seeing eachother every night but I suppose I'm just a bit insecure

I suppose I just can't work him out properly yet. Is that normal at this stage? I'm very out of practice. I would say the vast majority of the time we enjoy eachothers company. I'm scared of another abusive relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Longhairedcat · 30/10/2013 22:32

Have I done the wrong thing bringing it all up this soon?

OP posts:
Original poster
Longhairedcat · 30/10/2013 22:38

I might have just lost someone really nice because I didn't have the patience to wait and see if it happened. I think it would have helped if he had been ale to say why he thought he had a problem. I feel awful now.

OP posts:
meditrina · 30/10/2013 22:46

No, you haven't done the wrong thing.

ED is a terribly difficult thing for a man in a new relationship. But I don't see what more someone suffering fom that condition could hope for is a partner is prepared to wait, will talk gentl and tactfully, and is redy to see it as a joint issue.

And he's just rejected that, and twisted your whole approach, trying to assign 'blame' - that's not unease at or lack of skill in discussing a sensitive issue. It's a whole different viewpoint - he's seeing you as a blameworthy opponent, not a potential partner.

BeQuicksieorBeDead · 30/10/2013 22:48

He could have talked to you about it, everyone on here finds it easy to talk to you! He has gone off in a mood hoping you will promise never to mention it again. If you are in a relationship you need to be able to talk about this stuff and I think you have had a lucky escape... He sounds like hard work.

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 30/10/2013 22:50

Thank you meditrina I really did try to be sensitive about it and said several times I wasn't blaming him but was hoping we could solve it together. Oh well I tried can't do anymore. Be nice to find a man who didn't think he was being blamed every time you try to discuss an issue and who could see me as a partner!

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Original poster
Longhairedcat · 30/10/2013 22:53

Well I am not prepared to get into another relationship where I compromise so much that I loose myself as in the EA relationship that I had. I don't mind compromise to a point but I need to be able to discuss things. He must have been very embarrassed though so I do feel a bit bad

OP posts:
Rockinhippy · 30/10/2013 22:54

No not at all Longhairedcat, you've done exactly the right thing & he is playing passive aggressive as his next hand of cards to exert control - I'm really sorry, I'm sure it's all very upsetting for you, but far better this now than years more of EA.

A good decent man would not react in this way, they would take on board that they were being unfair to you, that's its not all about him & however difficult it might have been he would have at very least appologised & stayed & talked it out, not throw the blame back on you for his own inadequacies, which is basically what he has done.

I remember when I was first with my own DH (then new DP) he started going on about not wanting women with any baggage & therefore wasn't sure - this was after he had chased after me - I held no punches & told him he had a brass nerve & that he more bloody baggage than I could even think of & he should think himself bloody lucky I was even interested & got up to leave - I wasn't kind, why should I be, he wasn't - it didn't go against me because after several EA relationships I wasn't wasting my time on another potential one with someone who thought only they mattered.

He was shocked I was so blunt, apologised & said I was right & he was a complete fool not to see that - we've been together & very happy for 15 years

In short, once you learn that YOU don't deserve that crap & don't roll over & accept it, they learn they can't walk all over & control you & they either respect you a hell of a lot more for it, or if they are really f*ed up move on to the next victim

You've probably had a lucky escape Flowers

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 30/10/2013 22:59

Well we will see what happens, but unless he comes back apologising, not for his issue but for leaving and trying to make me take some of the blame and willing to discuss options to sort it I'm not bothering.

I learnt something from that abusive relationship Smile

OP posts:
Rockinhippy · 30/10/2013 23:00

Good for you :)

cjel · 30/10/2013 23:00

Don't feel too sad, You've said what you are finding difficult and that you need to work on it.'shyness' can be an excuse to be passive aggressive and I think that the 'blame' and 'leave it for a while' are designed to make you doubt yourself and start chasing him and apologising. I'd leave well alone or you could end up in another EA relationshipxx

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 30/10/2013 23:02

I'm definately not going after him. If he really wants me and cares he will have to come back and resolve to work through the issue

OP posts:
Original poster
Longhairedcat · 30/10/2013 23:07

I'm not sure he is abusive really. I do think he has issues around sex and confidence and I feel I've just knocked his confidence more. But what could I do? Never mention it and pretend the sex was normal. I might even have been prepared to forgo penetration if we had discussed the issue and agreed on something as the rest was good but for him to try to apportion blame on me was wrong. I tried to boost confidence by saying we had some really good sessions and what we did was good

OP posts:
Rockinhippy · 30/10/2013 23:09

Sounds to me like you are going to be just fine :)

Maybe you should treat yourself to something nice tomorrow as a pat on the back to yourself

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 30/10/2013 23:11

I might just do that Smile

OP posts:
Rockinhippy · 30/10/2013 23:16

That was I reply to your first post above - your second one is sounding a bit like you are making excuses for him - do be careful with that - its a pattern too easy to fall into & it won't get you respected by him & by the sounds of it he doesn't really deserve you making excuses for what actually is very poor behaviour.

Stay strong - you deserve better

& FTR you compromise on things like where to go on holiday, or even where to live - NEVER on what happens with YOUR body or YOUR feeling ;)

Rockinhippy · 30/10/2013 23:17

Enjoy treating yourself tomorrow, I'm off to bed now - good night x

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 30/10/2013 23:23

Do you mean the leaving and blaming is poor behaviour?

The ED he can't really help. I'm not making excuses for him just finding reasons but I have to think of myself. I did like him a lot and if we had chatted about it and he hadn't taken it like that as I said I'm not that bothered about penetration

He seemed to be deflecting by making out he thought I meant we weren't having sex that often. Then listed the times I hadn't been able to / wanted to as a way of proving it wasn't all him

OP posts:
OnemorevoiceforAF · 30/10/2013 23:23

I would say that he didn't react at all well. That doesn't bode well for the future.

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 30/10/2013 23:26

Just out of interest how do you think he should have reacted, making some allowance for embarrassment on his behalf?

OP posts:
Idespair · 30/10/2013 23:31

I think you are better off without him. You asked him nicely and sensitively why there had been no sex, completely fair. He hasn't answered, he's just tried to blame you and also cover up the real reason. The ED isn't the problem, the dishonesty is and for this reason, I wouldn't accept any apology, I would just end it.

Idespair · 30/10/2013 23:35

How he should have reacted by telling you the truth. Ok it may be embarrassing for him but when you are with someone you do have to go through embarrassing stuff like this. Honesty is critical.

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 30/10/2013 23:36

idespair yes you are right, it's not the ED that's the problem it's the not being open to exploring why. I'm glad you said it was completely fair of me to ask him. I was wondering if 4 weeks in to staying the night together was too soon to mention it

OP posts:
Original poster
Longhairedcat · 30/10/2013 23:39

What if he doesn't know what the truth is? He maintains he doesn't know why

OP posts:
cjel · 30/10/2013 23:44

It doesn't matter why, how or if he knows or not. He doesn't have penatrative sex, you want it, he won't discuss it and sulks off when asked to discuss it. Surely thats enough?

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 30/10/2013 23:48

Yes I'm going to stop thinking now and go to bed. I will not be contacting him

OP posts: