Is this normal? I can't tell anymore

[Longhairedcat]

Ok have posted on here previously about new BF of 2 months and problems with penetrative sex. I need some advice and opinions on whether I am over worrying/ overthinking which is possible due to previous EA relationship slightly skewing my thinking, or does it just heighten your senses?

Anyway the issues are:-

1. still not had penetrative sex but do everything else. He won't really say why just that it will happen. He now tells me he has ordered a toy, not totally unexpected as we have chatted about it. Is that weird or not?
   
   
2. he talks as though he wants a future with me and he has found someone he loves but I find this hard to accept, not so much because of the short time span as I know it can happen, but because he was very hurt by breakup of last relationship which was only in the spring
   
   
3. a few times he has said things to me in the name of 'teasing' but to me they didn't sound like that. For example if I've said something unintentionally that he hasn't liked that's when he seems to do this
   
   
4. for the first few weeks we seemed to see eachother more frequently than now. I know we can't keep up seeing eachother every night but I suppose I'm just a bit insecure
   
   I suppose I just can't work him out properly yet. Is that normal at this stage? I'm very out of practice. I would say the vast majority of the time we enjoy eachothers company. I'm scared of another abusive relationship

[mathanxiety]

Longhairedcat, why did you ask him over on Friday?

Why do you want to prolong this?
Why do you keep on giving him opportunities to rub your nose in the face that he walked out on you?

I think he felt genuine when he said the things he said too, but they are part of a persona he has adopted - a persona that is his comfort zone. Feeling genuine doesn't mean he is ready for intimacy (emotional or physical). His schtick is 'man who wants someone else to let him get away with being a manchild (your term was spot on imo) wrt sex, communication style and doing all the taking from a relationship while you do all the giving'. As a pp said, introducing the sex toy without a Yes from you meant he could treat you as if you were invisible or not really there. It was all going to be about him.

Watch out for that sense of vanity and the urge to nurture. You are going to end up with losers if you allow that impulse to have free rein. When you start into a relationship do a spotcheck of your own feelings and keep on looking at the calendar. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Whirlwind stuff only happens in Mills and Boons.

[claudedebussy]

i don't think he's done all of this intentionally. i think he thought he'd somehow manage but this ed has got in the way. he can't face it and will do anything to avoid having to deal with it.

i do think that he felt genuine when he said all those things.

but i think he's made it clear that for whatever reason he can't face up to his problem. which really spells the end of your relationship as you've stated that you don't want a friendship with him.

all ok - you can now find someone who likes you AND can give you a good shag.

[DollyTwat]

How much do you really know about this man Longhairedcat? Not much and not for that long in the scheme of things. Some men know all the things to say, but lack in actual experience of life

Perhaps he's more comfortable with an online dating/email relationship because he never has to really get involved then?

For what it's worth, the only man I have been with with ED told me pretty much straight away.

[Longhairedcat]

I'm actually getting very angry now. How dare he say all those things act like we were in a relationship that he really wanted and enjoyed, meet my children, then fuck off at the first bit of trouble

Plus I asked him over Friday evening and he didn't accept but he didn't turn it down either. Then an email yesterday to say he was doing his running again and had been for a long run Friday evening til 8pm. Charming that's more important than seeing me after a row. Well it's his way of saying its off I guess. I am better off without him he's pathetic really

[Longhairedcat]

math I see what you are saying. Had a little laugh at " being the special one who made a silk purse out of this sows ear"

Yes your right I was attracted to the lack of confidence. Honestly I know I come across as maybe desperately wanting a relationship and not able to see red flags. But I think it's more a case of the things he said appealed to my sense of vanity, and whilst I did realise all the stuff could be red flags I chose to ignore and give the benefit of the doubt
A) because I liked him and we got on
B) because that connection and falling for someone quickly does sometimes happen and work out

[mathanxiety]

Happy to see he has found someone basically to save him is a really big red flag. A statement like that is designed to make you feel very special -- you have what it takes to be his knight-ess in shining armour. It is supposed to appeal to your instinct to nurture.

Were you attracted to the lack of confidence? Did some part of you like the idea of being the special one who made a silk purse out of this sow's ear?

Putting you on a pedestal is something you should run a mile from every time. It is the opposite of a positive.

Same goes for the very early commitment (getting off the dating site, declarations of love when as pp said he didn't even know you) -- huge red flag.

Longhairedcat, I think you could really do with exploring this relationship and the previous one in counselling. You really need to try to understand how you jumped in so far so fast here.

[Longhairedcat]

I know I know it's all highly odd. Why then do I feel so badly hurt. I'm more hurt than when my 4 year relationship with EA ex ended. He was very brusque and to the point, no gentleness about him. Yet this time I thought I had found someone so different. I would never have fallen so quickly had he not said and done the things he did

bunchoffives yes I suppose I did feel pressure to say I loved him but I had certainly fallen for him which is why I wanted the sex more and more.

Also I think he did go very quiet when I mentioned the issue, and looked uncomfortable he didn't march straight off, we sat holding hands for quite a while. I think he was just trying to find reasons for why we hadn't been able to do it, me being ill then my period then not being alone in the house. He didn't directly blame me. Then he just went calmly and that was that

[bunchoffives]

A few things jump out to me reading this thread.

You were worried it was too soon to bring up such as sensitive issue as his lack of erection and that had been tactless to do so - but he ordered a sex toy without you expressly wanting one and have also been having sex for 4 weeks. In that context the lack of penetrative sex and trying to start a conversation about it is definitely not insensitive or too soon in my opinion.

Also, him declaring love after 8 weeks is ridiculous. I'm sorry but he doesn't know you! How on earth can he say he loves you? Did you feel pressure to say the same back?

And lastly, his reaction to bring up the ED or whatever. Any normal bloke would squirm, cough, go silent etc BUT what they would not do is throw a bit of a strop because you had brought it up. They might apologise profusely, look as miserable as sin etc but they would not seek to turn it around and make it something wrong with you.

It's so easy to see for someone else (not as easy when your own feelings are caught up) this bloke is weird at best and a knobhead emotional abuser in the early stages at worst. You really do deserve so much better. Dump him. Hold your head up high, do some stuff you enjoy, regain your enjoyment of singledom and then perhaps start having a look for a partner who is fun and that you can talk to properly about any difficulties.

[Lweji]

My exH also had low confidence. It doesn't make them necessarily better people, because they will need to boost it somehow.

However, this thread keeps me going back to the relationship I had after the divorce.
He never managed PIV, in 9 months. He blamed us not seeing each other enough, commented that had never happened with previous girlfriends and then reassured me that it wasn't because he didn't fancy me (it had never crossed my mind, tbh - but it didn't sit right with me - more like that was actually the reason). Significantly, although we talked about it, he never saw his gp or made plans to do so.

He was also eager to tell me that his family knew and were happy for him, that he had virtually given up on being with someone, but then I couldn't really establish if he had his last relationship 2 or 1 year before.

There were a few other issues, and I dumped him in the end.

At least it looks like you saved yourself some time. :)

[Longhairedcat]

Hmmm true enough

[cjel]

thats the trouble though isn't it? If it was understandable it wouldn't mess with your head

[Longhairedcat]

But what the hell was all this about getting us both to come off dating site together? So much I don't understand

[Longhairedcat]

Yes it does mess with your head. I'm shocked I didn't see through this one though. He seemed the total opposite of the ex, probably that's why

[Longhairedcat]

No it's ok no offence taken. See what you mean about it coming up in normal conversation though. I didn't feel the need to say it to him

[AnandaTimeIn]

Ah, sweetheart, don't be putting yourself down by thinking he's having a laugh at you.

I have been in EA and PA relationships too. It messes with your head. ((hugs))

[AnandaTimeIn]

Yes, of course Longhairedcat, sorry if I offended you. Of course everyone wants everyone in their family to be happy. That is natural.

It's just not something that comes up in "normal" conversation to say so (in my mind).

[Longhairedcat]

He did a really good job on me didn't he. Must have boosted his ego no end. He really reeled me in. In a way he's worse than my EA ex because when he was full on at the start he did it in a persistent, flirty, jokey sort of way so you could take it as a bit of a laugh. But with this one he was deadly serious about me or so I thought, put me on a pedestal. Was acting like he'd found the love of his life. He must be having a good laugh at me now. Managed to win me over despite me being reluctant and sceptical

[Longhairedcat]

Thanks I will look at those books though. Will do me some good x

[Longhairedcat]

Well it doesn't necessarily mean that does it. I mean my family would like it if I found someone nice and was happy. I think that's only natural

[AnandaTimeIn]

Things is when you hear someone say how pleased his family will be to see him happy because they've been worried about him

Big red flag there!

His family expect some woman to come in and fix his life..... Means he can't fix his own...?

You cannot fix no-one else's life. Only live yours to the best of your ability. Anyone that comes along who has the same philosophy is a bonus.

There's some great books out there for people like you and me i.e. Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

[AnandaTimeIn]

he picked up his phone and said" 2 missed calls" and grinned I just said " oh" and he was joking there weren't any calls. He just cuddled me. It might be me taking things to heart

No, it's not you "taking things to heart", it's him playing mind-fuck games.

This, plus the weird sex stuff - none IRL in two months but has ordered a sex toy would have me running for the hills, me.

[Longhairedcat]

mathanxiety what you have said could be right, but on another level I find it hard to believe that's the real him. He was so unsure and nervous the night we met and just appeared to be low on confidence and genuinely wanting a relationship. Could I have got that so wrong? Yes I wanted one too but I am very sceptical and analyse everything so I'm not sure much would have got past me

I don't know you might be right. Things is when you hear someone say how pleased his family will be to see him happy because they've been worried about him it just seems so genuine

[mathanxiety]

Why do they go to all the trouble?
Why all the game playing?

Maybe the game playing is what they want???

He was so keen, he looked after me for a week when I was ill, he told me he had really fallen for me, he told his family ie brothers and sisters about me and how happy he was, he asked me if I was keen on him because if I didn't want a relationship he didn't want to tell his (adult) children, but he told them. We both came off dating site together, his suggestion not mine but I was happy to do it. He met my (adult) children. He talked about things we could do in the future, places to go
Longhairedcat, I think that is very full on for something that had only been up and running for two months.

You like everything out there where you can see it (maybe this is why the full on nature of it doesn't strike you as odd?) and he is being all mysterious. This isn't going to change. You are going to keep on ferreting away to get to what is real about him and he is going to keep on hiding and refusing to communicate. Basically he is dangling enough of himself in front of you (literally...) to keep you interested and in order to know he has your full attention. But when you try to get close or get to the truth he walks away and lashes out at you into the bargain. He wants you to try to correct the mistakes he made about you (blaming, etc) and he will make accusations again in order to reel you in again next time something comes up. He also wants you to apologise and ask him to come back. This is game playing and the opposite of a match made in heaven.

Watch out for the tendency to want him to chase you. It will hurt if he doesn't, but suck it up. And do not fall for it if he does. I think he is quite a shallow person by the sound of things and he would only chase you to salvage his own pride and not because he likes you.

Also, watch out for very early declarations of falling for you, being in love, etc. such as happened here. Ask yourself why these statements had such a strong effect on you.

[Longhairedcat]

I think I must be too, if I wasn't it would never have got to this

[claudedebussy]

yes me too. and i would probably have forced the issue by now, but i am way too blunt for my own good.