Is this normal? I can't tell anymore

[Longhairedcat]

Ok have posted on here previously about new BF of 2 months and problems with penetrative sex. I need some advice and opinions on whether I am over worrying/ overthinking which is possible due to previous EA relationship slightly skewing my thinking, or does it just heighten your senses?

Anyway the issues are:-

1. still not had penetrative sex but do everything else. He won't really say why just that it will happen. He now tells me he has ordered a toy, not totally unexpected as we have chatted about it. Is that weird or not?

2. he talks as though he wants a future with me and he has found someone he loves but I find this hard to accept, not so much because of the short time span as I know it can happen, but because he was very hurt by breakup of last relationship which was only in the spring

3. a few times he has said things to me in the name of 'teasing' but to me they didn't sound like that. For example if I've said something unintentionally that he hasn't liked that's when he seems to do this

4. for the first few weeks we seemed to see eachother more frequently than now. I know we can't keep up seeing eachother every night but I suppose I'm just a bit insecure

I suppose I just can't work him out properly yet. Is that normal at this stage? I'm very out of practice. I would say the vast majority of the time we enjoy eachothers company. I'm scared of another abusive relationship

Your most recent posts about what he said are really jarring, both for what he said and did, and for this from you:

Do you mean the leaving and blaming is poor behaviour?

Please, please go and get yourself some counselling. The Freedom Programme was mentioned upthread -- it's run by Women's Aid and you should look into it.

Please, please do not contact this man again or accept any excuses from him if he decides to continue playing games with you. Consider all the ugliness that he has revealed about himself to be a gift to you and don't be tempted to give this another try. You do not owe him anything. You only owe yourself. Take that duty seriously.

Look I am not going to lose myself again in a relationship which is why I brought it up plus I wanted to see his reaction and how he dealt with it. I think it's a good thing I was able to a) see it needed to be tackled and b) actually tackle it

I just meant things aren't always totally black and white and whilst ideally he would have reacted with total consideration for me and talked till it was solved, in reality I can see it was probably very embarrassing for him and it doesn't necessarily make him bad or an abuser

However I am my number one priority now and am not here just to give to someone

I think the correct response from him would have been to offer to see doctors or therapists or whatever it took to address the problem. If he doesn't want to do any of that or if he's already been that route and there's been no improvement - and this is clearly a recurring/chronic matter - then he should be honest.

I think you've done the right thing. It's a shame when a relationship seems great apart from one unfixable problem. It takes real integrity and self-respect to say 'this isn't right for me' and end it rather than compromising & sticking around not wanting to hurt someone's feelings. I think you'll look back on this as a positive chapter in your life.

"I'm not sure he is abusive really. I do think he has issues around sex and confidence and I feel I've just knocked his confidence more. But what could I do? Never mention it and pretend the sex was normal"

He wasnt abusive, that's just good old MN hysteria - but he isn't facing up to his own issues, and he needs to as you will hardly be the only woman that will want him to perform.

You did the right thing, at the right time, your antennae are perfectly well tuned.

Thank you cog that what I was hoping for from the conversation to address the problem and perhaps try to solve it together and if it wasn't solvable who knows I might have been able to accept it and work around it had he reacted differently

I did really like him but I can't bury my head in the sand or pretend what I feel doesn't count. Ideally it would be lovely if he came back to me after having had a think and acknowledged the problem and set about trying to tackle it together, but somehow I don't think that will happen and it has to come from him now

Thank you lazyjaney I think I needed to hear that. I feel inside that I know what I'm doing is right but sometimes you just think my god am I missing something here? Am I unable to see abuse when it's staring me in the face?

I have been feeling awful all day and in a way hoping he would call and say I was right we should talk about it :(

I thought we had the start of something good and he most certainly said he thought so. Why do I feel so miserable?

You'll feel miserable because he was 'Mr Nearly'. We've all met someone like that where we know that, however much we want it to work, it's never going to be right. You're doing the right thing.

I know, it's so unfair, I don't want perfection but I still maintain you have to be able to discuss something as fundamental as that even if its only 4 weeks since we hopped into bed. Or was it too soon to say anything?

Hi longhairedcat,
I suggest you give yourself a few days of time out away from these circumstances. Sleep on it so to speak. This seemingly obsessive (a strong word but imho appropriate) tendency of yours to repeatedly second guess the minute details is something you could work on with a counsellor.

Sorry it is not working out for you, but at this point I do not believe any justification or reasons will turn this around. Breathe, and let it go.

I don't feel I need a counsellor. I don't think I'm obsessive. I think most people go over things in their head when something first happens

I still think I did right in bringing the subject up but I can't help feeling sad at his reaction and the fact it looks like the relationship is over

Longhairedcat, if you've been through an abusive relationship then you really do need to seek out some counselling for yourself.

You need to be able to see abusive tendencies when they are staring you in the face and counselling will help you see them. One particular thing you need to be able to recognise is communication styles that have no fairness to them (the blaming, refusing to listen, and then leaving in a sulk). But more importantly counselling will help you understand your own feelings and reactions (not sadness at the end because this is natural but how you felt at the beginning, what elements of the relationship you enjoyed, aspects of the relationship you found important).

Well at least me mentioning the issue brought it to head and emonstrated how he deals with problems. I gave him the benefit of the doubt when he first left because he must have been very embarrassed so I thought he might need time to process it alone and perhaps contact me later. I guess it's time to move on now

Tbh I'm sick to death of selfish, immature, manchilds. I actually told him I went through the walking out thing with the ex whenever I tried to bring up issues and yet he does the same! I'm tired of men professing to care when they don't. If I sound a bit bitter its because I feel it today!

I feel disappointed to say the least

It is disappointing but I think there's something positive you can take away from the experience. Which is that it's better to trust your judgement and, if you're unhappy, dump early rather than question yourself, try see things from the other person's point of view, give benefits of the doubt, and get too enmeshed. Next one off the rank you won't waste so much time.

I'm not sure you need counselling. You got to the right conclusion here, after all. You'll get quicker with practice :)

You know what is really scary, the lengths some men will go to for... I don't know what actually, there seems no point to what he said and did, if he turns and runs at the first hurdle

It's making me so distrusting and negative. I don't want to keep raking over thing and have definately decided to move on but just want to see what you all make of this.

He was so keen, he looked after me for a week when I was ill, he told me he had really fallen for me, he told his family ie brothers and sisters about me and how happy he was, he asked me if I was keen on him because if I didn't want a relationship he didn't want to tell his ( adult) children, but he told them. We both came off dating site together, his suggestion not mine but I was happy to do it. He met my ( adult) children. He talked about things we could do in the future, places to go ect. Yet he wasn't overbearing and we weren't in eachothers pockets all the time

I just don't know how the hell I'm ever going to believe a man again. Wtf is it all about? I just do not understand. Why all the game playing? Or is it purely because I said what I said?

Please help, I had all but decided that it was over yesterday evening as I had sent him a message in the day to see if he was ok and to say i didnt want to end the relationship as he seemed so mortified about what I said and I got one back from him saying neither did he yet not committing either way really. So I left it and decided not to contact again. Then yesterday evening he sent me a message asking if I was still speaking to him. A couple of txts went back and forth and an email this morning wishing me a good day at work

No suggestion of meeting or anything. He just wants to be friends doesn't he but won't say it. I just feel so let down after all the things he said to me, he told me he loved me. I really liked him I don't know whether to just call him and say I can't be friends after our relationship because I still have feelings, or do I just wait and see if he wants to see me but is still embarrassed. This is really messing my head up and I need to take control. WHY do men do this?

THEY do it because you let them!! Ignore, ignore, ignorexxx

I'm just too nice aren't I. I still hoped the relationship could work and thought he left the other night because of embarrassment and not being able to deal with it, which to be fair is a reasonable assumption.

Like an idiot I thought he would see me soon after and we would be ok. Instead he seems to be messing with me. Nice eh after weeks of telling me he'd never been so happy

Its so hard, but you couldn't have been clearer and you may only end up going over the same old same old, if you dither. I am so sorry for you it must be so hard.x

I have had another email telling me about his day. I am such an honest person and like everyone to know where they are. I am in a dilemma truly because I really don't feel he is a player yet he's not saying exactly what he wants. I don't know whether to just stand back and give it time to see if he comes out of his shell or to confront and ring him and ask straight out?

I don't want am email and text friendship I would rather cut contact and move on

Could you just tell him that. You don't want email and text friendship, you have said what you want and if he can't do that then you can't cope with being friends?
YOu've nothing to lose?x

My instincts urge me strongly towards bringing it to a head by calling him but I don't want to totally ruin it if he's just needing some space and time to think

That's what holding me back from calling, in case I jump in too soon and he's still processing it iykwim

yes I do. if its his clumsy way of saying he still wants you.Why don't you just say it in am email, he may feel more comfortable emailing and not face to face?