Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

please say you have found some sense and will let him go without 'fighting'.

I am so miserable about this that I don't know what to do. I can see now how fighting is pointless. As is trying to be younger, prettier and more fun. He obviously doesn't want someone more fun....OW doesn't seem like she's having any fun at all. And to be completely honest, I don't think I'm prettier...just younger

I just need some time to process all of this. Like I said, I may seem completely insane....but this is all new and sudden....you can't always make the right decision instantly.

But I am still fixated on finding out what the hell is so special about this woman and why he feels so strongly about her.

And how will knowing what is special about her and why he feels strongly about her help you? You will still be you and they will still be them. Let it go and learn to move on.x

She is special to him - it is not for you to understand, just accept.

Honestly, grow up and take SGB's advice.

Er
You ask what is so special about her?

What the hell is so special about this man and why are you so fixated on him...?

No real reason other than you have arbitrarily decided he is the one. And eleventy million mumsnetters in complete agreement ( a very very rare occurrence) will not dissuade you.

So, turn it round to him and cook it up with unrequited love for umpteen years, That's why he's fixated with her.

It isn't a logic problem, or a who can be the bestest girlfriend contest. this is real life.

Dump and move on (and take a bloody good look at fixing that self esteem whilst you are at it, because this is going to keep happening to you )

Agree with most posters on this thread.

Really sorry to hear about your situation OP. But honestly you can analyze, wonder, second-guess until kingdom come; if your man is interested in another woman, particularly so soon, then he isn't for you & there's nothing you can do about it. He has free will, & is excercising it as he chooses.

Already 40 years old, never married, meets you who he could love and start a family with - & within a year, his attention has already strayed?! I think you know deep down this man is not a 'catch' at all. Certainly not a man to see as a lifepartner.

You're 29. Still young. Don't make yourself an option for a man who won't make you his priority. Especially a man who's reached 40 and still can't settle his mind.

If the other woman has any sense I have a mind she'll steer well clear of a man who has a girlfriend yet is chasing after her.

You're obsessed and you're not going to listen to anyone on here. It's mortifying actually.

"MY man". Seriously? He's not yours, he's not a Ken Doll!

Are you seeing a therapist Artsy?

Artsy, you're making two fundamental mistakes.

Others have made the same points, and I'm repeating them because I've noticed these mistakes happen a lot with New York women. God knows why Here you go:-

Mistake 1

You see finding the right partner as like shopping. To you, the ideal man is a list of checkboxes and vice versa. In a logical extension to this, you find a man who ticks most of your boxes, then you must find out what his list looks like and market yourself as the ideal product.

This logic says that everybody must get coupled up. All they need is a list, and the ability to morph into the 'requirements' of their chosen partners.

Fallacies:

1. Not everybody must be coupled up. Maybe he's secretly gay or bi. Maybe he has a predilection that would be illegal in the US. Hell, maybe he just prefers living on his own (I do!)

1. You never really know someone else's list. You could have extensive surgery to make you look like the other woman, take up her hobbies, adopt her accent, study her profession, but you wouldn't be her. We each have a unique, subtle mix of characteristics which cannot be emulated. Even identical twins are different. You're you, not her. Live with it. Go one better - like it!

Mistake 2

You're trying to change all your men. It should be obvious why this is a shit strategy. If you need to control the man you're with, you're with the wrong man!

Fallacies:

1. People are not suits. Shopping again! You might find a suit that ticks all of your boxes in terms of fabric, details, style and price, but there's only one left. In that case, take the suit and alter it. You do NOT do this with humans! What are you, Dr Frankenstein's granddaughter?!

1. There are men who love women just like you. They won't want to alter you, you'll tick all their boxes just by being your sweet self. There will be no struggle.

1. There are men you'll love just as they are. No call for alterations, no need to tweak yourself or them, they'll make you feel wonderful just by being themselves.

... So. Give up with the shopping, the checkboxes, the twisting and tweaking. Be yourself. Love yourself! Go out and kiss frogs. Have fun

Artsy, you seem to think this other woman has some sort of spell over your boyfriend, like if you could undo it everything would be fine.
That's not how emotions work.

You talk about her looks, like they matter. For the record, there are millions and millions of fat women, ugly women, and old women still finding love and making commitments to men that honour them. I don't care how trite it sounds, looks are only skin deep.

What is really attractive and desirable is self worth, integrity, and dignity.

I am sorry you are feeling hurt and confused. Please, let go, walk away, and take it as a life lesson.
Next time, set your bar higher.

His feelings for her don't really matter. I don't believe he was ever going to marry you and it's not because something is wrong with you, it is just his personal feelings. Even if somebody treats you nicely, that doesn't mean they truly love you. You find out how someone truly feels in difficult circumstances. It's easy to be good to someone when there are no challenges. You sound like you made him the centre of attention, he is getting affection, sex, company from you without much effort. The way you know if someone loves you is if they stand by you in difficult times as well as good ones. His circumstances changed a little and he is already abandoning you.

If you can't understand why he loves her, think about why you love him. There is really no logical explanation for your feelings and probably his are the same. Maybe she is a wonderful person, she probably has a lot of good qualities to have men chasing after her. I'm sure you have some good things too and you should remind yourself that you deserve better than this. Good luck to you!!

This man has a connection to this woman due to shared friendships and life experiences.

The fact that he and she were invited to a social gathering by mutual friends sounds like a "set-up" meeting, to reignite something they obviously could all see. The fact that you weren't invited means that you are either a) not important enough to him for him to impress upon his friends that he is involved in a relationship with you, or b) his friends think that you are not important to him and that there is a better fit for him.

Let's face it - he's in his forties, if he felt the paternal pull he'd be discussing kids and settling down with you in the immediate future. But he's not. He's not discussing any commitment to you, and you are pressurizing him into wanting something he really doesn't feel.

This woman has arrived back in his life - they have history, they have remembered each other fondly. She is of an age where she most likely won't be making demands on him - children, big white wedding, housing ladders etc. I imagine she knows her future, is established in her career and after a broken marriage probably doesn't want to go down that road again.

It would be like putting on a comfortable pair of non demanding slippers for him.

I personally feel that you have crossed the boundary now - checking his phone and snooping via friends (which sounds as if it made your friend uncomfortable). Of course there won't be incriminating sex emails layered with filth, they are two mature people with a cerebral connection and are engaged in "the dance", they may not realise it fully, but they are.

Many people have told you to walk away, but you seem resolute to investigate this woman and work on a campaign to better her, and not let her win. I wonder how comfortable you'd feel if she was questioning your friend about you? The comments on your youth are slightly embarrassing and show immaturity rather than exuberance. If this pattern of behaviour continues, this will end badly, not for them, but for you, unless you pick up your dignity now and leave. Don't damage your other friendships for the sake of this, you are on a hiding to nowhere.

Artsy The bottom line is, there's nothing 'so special' about her. She's a woman. Just a woman. She will be her perfectly imperfect self. Just as you are and just as everyone other woman who has replied to you on this thread will be.

What do you hope to find out about her? I know that what you want to find out is what it is about her that can draw your boyfriend towards her and make him blind to your own obvious charms. But you won't be able to see it. It's not about size or age or beauty or any of those things, it's her uniqueness. Something unfathomable.

I agree with everything Wally (and pretty much everyone else!) has said, with one exception. He may not be avoiding commitment with you because he is afraid of commitment, I think it's a bit disingenuous to assume this man is incapable of the depth of feeling and emotional maturity to take this step. It may well be that he has never met any one about whom he feels strongly enough to do so because his heart has always been with this woman. And there ain't nothing no one can do about that!

There will be someone out there who is equally drawn to you, but whilst you are flogging the dead horse that is this 'relationship' with this man you are not going to find him.

You friend has told you that his feelings for her are obvious. Why the hell are you sticking around?!

You may be younger than her. You may be more beautiful. But if he prefers her that's irrelevant.

I mean Camilla v Diana wasn't much of a contest looks wise was it? Camilla won though. He loved her.

You've had good advice here. Please take it.

Look, this expression is very apt this time: it's not you or her, it's him.

If this woman hadn't shown up, he would still not have committed to you, as it has already been pointed out.
But he'd probably keep you going on until you or him got fed up.

Listen to his friend.

I had a colleague at work who was with this girl for about 10 years or so. Never married, never even really lived together. We knew he didn't want to commit to her, but never really got the chance to talk to her about it (at least I didn't).
He finally broke it off and is having a baby with someone else.

Another colleague married at 22/23 because, otherwise, his now wife would have had to return to her country. He loved her enough to properly commit to her.

You really don't want to be with someone who is not that keen on you.

The best thing for you is to move on asap and not dwell on this man at all.

Yes! Camilla and Diana! That drove Diana half-mad, poor woman

Stop putting your friend in a difficult position and asking questions about this woman and her personal life. You, from what you say, aren't part of this crowd of friends.

You won't find out what it is, its intangible. And I don't see why he would invite you along to meet her, he is allowed women friends, surely, and perhaps she doesn't want you there swishing your hair about being fun young gf whist she has a chat with an old friend about her troubles and marking your territory. You don't know. But if you know all this and he doesn't know you know, its all a bit dramatic and assumptions.

All you can do is think, I don't like this, its not what I want, so leave. However you do seem hell bent on adding " so I'm going to try to force him not to see her even though I have no evidence of anything, spy on his phone, catch him out/ he catch me and dump me "

Be nice to yourself now and bow out gracefully.

Walk away head held high.. You'll feel better about yourself for taking control of your life.

He'll probably be surprised and put out if you do this as OW sounds like a bit of a complicated mess and not emotionally very available. He's hedging his bets by keeping you keen.

I spent 3 years with someone I thought was the one who wouldn't commit. Looking back I can see how much hurt I suffered by holding on and hoping things would change. You are wasting your time with him and giving all your power away.

Artsy

Even now, you don't seem to get the message- which is act and stop analysing.

Why do you need time to think?
Why do you need time to process this?

You'll have time enough for that AFTER you have ended this.

There is nothing to think about with regards to a decision you need to make, and putting that into action- ie ending it.

There is nothing to process except the hurt which you- and all of us- have felt at some time when love is unrequited.

This may take you months or years but the longer you cling to some hope that you can win him back, the harder it will be.

He may come round today and tell you it's all over between you.
Do you want that or do you want to stand up straight and act with some backbone- and do what you need to?

I'm sorry but you sound very immature- this is the behaviour of a teenager who hasn't learned anything about how relationships work. Just 'man up' and tell him it's over, and move on.

Then spend your time thinking and processing how you can't always have what you want , you cannot change people and you certainly can't control their feelings just so they match yours.

Are you sure you are 29? You sound about 14.

You have had masses of caring and supportive advice on this thread, and you have ignored every single word of it to keep wittering on about 'your man'
You sound like a deranged stalker and the poster upthread who pointed you in the direction of therapy gave you a big hint.
He isn't your boyfriend, he is free to do what he wants and obsessing about an old friend who came back into his life demonstrates you absolutely need to grow up.

Newgirlintown I think a lot of your post in unnecesarrily harsh. It's really hard when you're in the thick of things to see the clear picture.

Thanks for your opinion Joni.

But surely seven pages of almost unanimous advice should help the OP "see the clear picture" as you put it?

Plenty of other posters are now taking a "harsh" perspective, perhaps you would like to critique them too?

Listen to SolidGoldBrass and GarlicVampire - they're wise women.

Also read ChumpLady, esp her me chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/ - I'd had that advice all in mind when I started out on thie epic fred, but the more I read of your postings, the less I think the man is a cheater, and that you're just determined to force this man, this situation to be exactly what you want it to be.

Break it off with him while you still have a shred of dignity, spend some time on your own NOT trying to land a man and see who YOU really are.

But, I've got to say, I hope the person that emerges from that exercise is less shallow than some of the comments you've been making would suggest.

Best of luck.

I don't think you have 'lost' your man at all. I don't think he was ever 'yours'. It sounds to me like he sees you as a fuckbuddy and nothing more.

You sound awfully pushy and a bit desperate, tbh. You seem to see having a partner as 'ownership' and have been 'trying to get him to commit'. In my (limited) experience, I have found that commitment is a natural progression and not something forced on one person by another.

The cooling of the sexual side worries me for you. If that chemistry is not working it can be an uphill battle.