MNers who are TRULY happily married, what are your secrets and tips?

[CocoaButterGirl]

I'd like replies from people who are genuinely happy & satisfied with their spouse.

What do you differently from everyone else? What small things keep your relationship strong?
What are your pieces of advice for someone who wants a respectful & happy marriage.

I am getting married soon and I want to be a brilliant wife & have a loving lasting marriage

As Hully said Put on rose tinted specs and drink a lot

We like each other.
We are good friends
We are interested in each other and want to hear each others opinion
We are adults and treat each other like adults, don't behave like children

And there is a spark there still.

But I disagree over the going to sleep on an argument. Often we need time to calm down, to think, to get past the details and we sleep on it, and then in the morning talk.

We are 100% honest with each other and have complete trust.

We don't bottle up feelings or issues, we tell each other straight away and resolve any issues.

We spend time apart and enjoy our lives both together and separately.

Also I fancy the pant off him

Together 20 years, married 15. Early on in our relationship, I was pretty moody. He totally called me on it - waited till things were OK, and then asked me how he should respond if the same thing were to happen. Caught off guard, I told him - honestly. So he had a way of dealing with me when I was being (perhaps) unreasonable, and I was also aware that he was doing it - and making an effort to sort things out (and let's face it, insecurity was always why I was being moody in the first place!) Genius.
We married fairly young, and I do recognise that there's a lot of luck that I picked someone who has changed in a way that suits me - as everyone is going to change over such a long period, and we met when we were still at uni. I know I'm lucky - and I think we both really value what we have.
Lovely thread with really lovely stories. GeorgeClooney, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I loved reading this thread, but now I'm neurotically afraid I'll jinx myself by posting on it, and DH will announce tomorrow that he's leaving me!

What works for us (might not work for everybody) is to talk things out (and talk, and talk some more. And then, for a change, talk) whenever something's bothering one of us, rather than letting it fester. Which sometimes means some very, very lengthy discussions and a lot of mutual compromise. This only works because we both love to analyze things to death. None of our friends will go to the movies with us on double-dates, because we both insist on analyzing the movie to death afterwards.

Also, couples counselling has come in handy at times when the relationship has been under strain. For example, after we first had a baby, everything changed. We had to learn how to relate to each other both as spouses and as co-parents, and it was damn hard work. We also ended up in couples counselling for a while after my father passed away, I was very depressed, and DH was feeling like he was in the marriage by himself. So I guess being aware that there will be rough patches, and not trying to ignore them in hopes they'll go away on their own.

Also, date nights. Just taking some time to get together without the kids around, and just be a couple for an evening, rather than parents. Making a conscious effort to talk about other things than the kids while we're out just the two of us (this doesn't always work, but we try).

The problem with all the following is it relies on being married to someone lovely, who genuinely has your best interests at heart and wants the best for you and for the family. If s/he doesn't it's a recipe for doormat status instead. But:

Be kind. Don't speak contemptuously to one another. We do fight but they're clean fights, for want of a better word. I cringe when I hear how some people argue, and research actually shows contemptuous comments are the best indicators of marriages that will fail. You can't be emotionally vulnerable and intimate with someone who makes you feel uneasy and judged.

Don't play games. Be honest, talk, share stuff. Even if it's an anecdote or bit of gossip, or a DVD or new book. Ensure you don't end up flatmates who run a daycare.

Express appreciation for all the other does for you personally, and for the family as a whole. Say what a great parent/cook/book-keeper they are. Be appreciative of their friendship, their love and their body.

Try to resolve disputes through affectionate teasing. It's a lot easier to hear the other person via a loving send up than a critical rant.

Have sex regularly if not too tired/post-natal/ill. Sex is a habit and one you can fall out of. But don't ever pressure someone not into it - DH never does and nor do I, even through droughts, which IMO (plus some willing on both sides) is why ours never lasted.

Don't be lazy with one another, in practical and emotional terms. Mention that you adore them, that they're special and wonderful, and you're glad they're with you.

Stay faithful. This is not down to chance. It has to be an ongoing decision to boundary your marriage as the most significant relationship you have.

When you fuck up, don't make excuses. Apologise and then make amends.

Poem by Ogden Nash: "To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up."

I think "be excellent to each other" covers the bases. But luck plays a huge role as well.

Oh, and Nora Ephron once said you should never marry someone you wouldn't like to be divorced from. This is painfully true. Think about how they are to people they really, really dislike. It's easy to be good to someone in the first throes of love - how are they to people they have to draw on their inner characters with? Fair? Civilised? Decent? Or absolute raving self-pitying arses? Never focus on how they are to you at the early stages. Of course they'll be fab (if they aren't then why contemplate something longer term?). Look at how they are to those they've fallen out with/lost respect for instead. Because in any marriage, shit will occasionally hit. You need to know their fundamental decency will (hopefully) match your own and get you both through.

perfectstorm, really excellent points. Especially the ones about how the advice only applies if both partners are making an effort to make the marriage work.

Wise words from Nora Ephron as well.

I really like what perfectstorm said.

there is so much there, especially this:

Be kind. Don't speak contemptuously to one another. We do fight but they're clean fights, for want of a better word. I cringe when I hear how some people argue, and research actually shows contemptuous comments are the best indicators of marriages that will fail. You can't be emotionally vulnerable and intimate with someone who makes you feel uneasy and judged.

I am shocked by some of the stuff I read on relationships. I wouldn't behave like that to anyone, let alone someone I love.

Kindness, respect goes a long way

I agree with perfectstorm.

If you are with someone and either of you, or both of you, cannot or do not do the things listed in this thread, then you should just end the relationship.

Why waste your life being with someone if you can't do and recieve all the loving supportive kind caring things are listed here?

The secret to a happy marriage: finding your perfect partner, and them finding you too.

This ^^

Why waste your life being with someone if you can't do and recieve all the loving supportive kind caring things are listed here?

I honestly think that, with the right person, these things (basically, everything perfectstorm said) should come naturally.

Particularly the bit about fights. DH and I hardly ever fight and, when we do, we make up within two minutes because we absolutely hate not being friends. But recently in a pregnant hormonal rage I said something really mean to him. I felt physically sick afterwards - and that feeling, more than any of the positive ones, reminded me what he means to me.

Never stop having fun together and laugh a lot :) Do little things for each other and make sure there's give and take x

I think having shared values is hugely important.

Never shout or swear at your partner. If you do, apologise. Talk things through, respect each other's opinions and listen. Agree to disagree. Never criticise unduly; if you need to criticise make it constructive and explain why you feel it needs to be said and that it doesn't mean you value your partner less. Be each other's best friend.
Good luck!

Lovely thread!

I was asking myself the same recently. On the whole, I think Dh's and I relationship works really well because we NEVER nag each other for something we think the other one should have done or done differently. We also both very often do change our plans to make the other one happy. A good dose of humour is really important as well.

All of the above re respect, being kind to each other and dh has unending reserves of patience.

We make time for us as a couple so that we are not just parents who pass by each other. Dh works shifts so we have days in the week when dc's are at school and we are at home. Often spend the whole day in bed together watching a box set and even getting pizza delivered for lunch. Only get up and dressed for school pick up. It's like date night without the babysitting hassle or tiredness.

Also very lucky in that dh's dad comes and and lives at house for a week during term time and we go away on our own around our anniversary. It's like a second honeymoon every year and we have done it since our first dc was 9 months old (just a weekend to start with, now they are in secondary it's nearer 10 days)

My nan says that your kids will grow up and leave but your marriage is for life so it's worth looking after.

This just lovely!

Dh told me last night that if you could have asked his 15 year old self what he wanted in a woman he would have listed qualities he finds in me. He said I tick all of his boxes. So having a dh who adores me and genuinely thinks I'm a legend is a good start to having a happy and fulfilled lasting relationship. We laugh a lot, we regularly tell each other to stop being a dick, it rarely leads to a row, we've been through some nasty shit, split up and come back together because we wanted to, not out of duty. He does most of the housework and all of the cooking, I work stupid shifts and come home full of hell and he lets me rant. He still tries to cop a feel of my boobs and bum like the teenage boy he is inside, what do I bring to the table? I don't know! I make him laugh, I'm a good mother although admittedly he is an awesome dad and has far more patience than me, I manage the finances and organise the fun. We complement each other. And fancy each other.

Always try to put yourself in the other person's place before you react. Never make fun of each other in public or belittle each other anywhere. Share how you are feeling.Try to reciprocate niceness and minimise nastiness.
Sex is an add on not the driving force. It might be your turn to have a crap day tomorrow so react as you hope he would react.However-don't put up with any sort of abuse ever.For me nobody would ever get a chance to hit me twice-I'd be gone.

Yes Kindness to each other and courtesy and mutual respect are essential.

We have been together 30 years, married for 25. He is my rock; a quiet thoughtful caring brilliant man. I have never heard him swear and we don't argue, we just discuss things. We aren't particularly affectionate and don't say I love you much but I know he thinks I am the bees knees and I adore him. We are best friends and a great team. I am very lucky.

Should have said we have been married for 25 years and both have learned lessons from previous unhappy marriages.

love is an action, not just a feeling.

So important. Don't want to talk about my crap marriage on such a happy thread, but this was the problem. I thought love was an active thing, something you do. He thought it was a statement you make, something iconic and once it was said it didn't matter what you did or how you behaved.

Forgive each other.
Both work hard to make each other happy.
Never do anything to knowingly embarrass or disrespect the other.
Have fun.
Learn which fights to pick and those to let go.
Buy the best and biggest bed you can as everything is better after a good night's sleep.