MNers who are TRULY happily married, what are your secrets and tips?

[CocoaButterGirl]

I'd like replies from people who are genuinely happy & satisfied with their spouse.

What do you differently from everyone else? What small things keep your relationship strong?
What are your pieces of advice for someone who wants a respectful & happy marriage.

I am getting married soon and I want to be a brilliant wife & have a loving lasting marriage

Trust. Laughing a lot, we have quite a black sense of humour. It's like an inner certainty that death will do us part, everything else is just shit that happens. By that I mean deaths, finances, redundancies, mental health problems etc.

're never going to bed on an argument, we just can't and not just bed we can't go to work or out - what if your last words were bad ones? But we aren't really angry people so arguments just die out.

We have three very young children and have been together 10 years, I can see tough times ahead and there are tough times behind but that's life.

Oh, and he works a lot so that helps

"you need to take a step back and ask yourself if the issue you are arguing about is worth getting angry about."

What if it is? the more I think, about some things, the more angry I get. Not less. Taking a step back is just seeing things more clearly and getting more angry.

" In a loving mutually supportive relationship you shouldn't be having major arguments. "

I do not agree that in a loving supportive relationship there will be no issues that create anger.

1.being friends and liking them as a person not just sexual love

1. knowing people do not fundamentally change
2. being respectfully to each other and backing each other up, humiliation has no part to play in good relationship
3. letting small things go and not nagging
4. understanding how the other feels even if that is not how you feel or how you would react to similar event

youretoast maybe the stuff is important and worth arguing/ big discussion about but not every issue you disagree on is important,

however for the relationship to work long term you need a strategy to resolve disagreements about serious things is what is making you angry a deal-breaker or what? and how many things make you angry and how often? if it is once in a blue moon its ok but if it is every week there is something wrong

one of the big things that's made my (2nd) marriage happy is realising that at least while we still have young kids, it's a marathon rather than a sprint... sorry about the cliche..... but sometimes i go through phases where i cannot stand the sight of him and everything he does annoys me, and up to the age of 35 i just walked away at that instant from every relationship, now i know that it goes in waves, and that if i stick with it, at some point i'll adore him again. i assume he does the same with me though he's never admitted it!

Apart form the obvious: Mutual respect, complete honesty with each other, etc, I would say:

You need to be with someone who shares your values about life in general, otherwise it is doomed from the start.

Please remember this, you will have arguments, you will hate his guts at some point, that is normal! We go through ups and downs, but if you are right for each other, you work things out.

Don't be too possessive of your other half. Let them have space, hobbies, friends.

Just be there when the times are hard. Be his rock and he will be yours when you need him.

Another little thing: when little babies come along, be prepared for the dynamics to change. Tiredness will kick in. Manage your expectations as a couple. This stage will NOT last forever, but breaks some marriages in the process.

Time out together, so you can have a laugh. Same sort of interests helps.

Just be kind to each other. That's it.

Sometimes if we are having some disagreement or other, one of us will still continue to do the little nice things that make the world go round - like bringing a cup of tea up in the morning. And even if we were barely talking over whatever the issue was, we are reminded that we love each other. It used to be DH that always did this kind of thing but he has brought this out in me too. Continue to be kind even after a blazing row. Don't stubbornly stew like I used to!

My advice is to be really sure you find the right person in the first place - easier said than done I know!

I feel like I have a genuinely happy marriage, and we live and work together alllll day and night! I don't believe this is down to anything we've done or not done, we just like each other.

We met as teens and were best friends instantly who were really attracted to each other, and we just stayed that way. Not much advice really just dont stop having fun and the rest comes easily.

This is interesting...I have never had a good relationship that lasted longer than 3 years, so am lurking to find out what one looks like.
It is making me feel a little nauseous though, all this talk of best friends and cuddling.
I am waiting for someone to come on and say "take a lover and drink gin in the mornings"..

Totally agree about sharing a sense of humour. My husband is much more intelligent than me, so he gets his intellectual discussions elsewhere but I make him laugh by forwarding pictures of fat people and making bad taste jokes about bulimia.

This is a lovely thread. Not the sort of thing Im used to seeing here.

Both mil are lovely and get on well so that reduces stress. I try not to sweat the small stuff.

We both work different hours and days so dont see each much.
I think everyone has their moments tho and up and downs.

He buys me crisps which quiets my inner beast

With the anget thing I cant say dh has ever done anything that pissed me off that much I was angry the whole night or vice versa.

Ifnotnowthenandwhen - We arent just best mates and cuddle we shag a lot I think that helps. Neither of us take life that serious I think that helps. You only live once.

"I am getting married soon and I want to be a brilliant wife & have a loving lasting marriage"

My tip is to understand that no matter how brilliant a wife you are, you won't have a brilliant marriage unless you also have a brilliant husband.

It only takes one person to fuck up a relationship, but it takes two to make it really good.

So whatever you do, don't pour the best of yourself into trying to make a marriage last with someone who isn't putting in the same effort as you are.

Haven't read all the answers, DH and I have been together for 12 years, married 4.
We like each other, as friends as well as husband and wife.
We are kind to each other and considerate. Eg I would never make a cup of tea without asking him if he wanted one, and vice versa.
We have similar values, aspirations and ambitions. We want to be in the same place in 5, 10, 40 years time.
We have similar needs for companionship and space, and are able to do things independently of one another.
We like our families.

The thing that worked for me is finding someone who is an adult. Not petty, but loving, honest and gentle, I say worked but it's only been 12 years but he's still as lovely as he was when we were having sex 24/7 dating.

So true about it taking only one of you to fuck it up.. Both of you need to be proper adults.

And even then it can go sour, but hopefully if we both carry on being close and loving then we should be able to ride out the crappy bits.

YY to lots of the above esp bits about liking each other, mutual respect, honesty, laughing together.

I think when you have children, esp when they are young, you must both believe that you are on the same team. Life does get tough and difficult things happen along they way. But knowing that you are both working equally hard for the family, although it may be in different ways, pulls you through.

No abusing free time, no build up of resentment, no sleep deprivation contest. We are on this road together.

I think that is ok to hate the very sight of the some days and to adore them on others. Also to let one another be, I am so moody sometimes and just need to be left alone, not to be talked round or told how moody I am. DH is a moaner, so I let him, main, get it all out the it's all fine. I've been with DH form22 years and the single best bit of advice I would give is to be respectful of their, views, thoughts and opinions even if you disagree; a good row or disagreement is also a good thing. Lastly, little things mean a lot, a cup of tea without being asked, favourite wine on a Friday night, recording a programme they might like.

Congratulations!

I would say make sure you do things together and enjoy each other's company. That said, DH and I have lots of different interests and do things apart, too.

Be a team and support each other. Don't be afraid to argue, but don't sweat the small stuff and don't let a row last too long.

Accept they are a different person who will do things differently to you sometimes and that your way is not necessarily the only/right way. (This is one I learnt!)