MNers who are TRULY happily married, what are your secrets and tips?

[CocoaButterGirl]

I'd like replies from people who are genuinely happy & satisfied with their spouse.

What do you differently from everyone else? What small things keep your relationship strong?
What are your pieces of advice for someone who wants a respectful & happy marriage.

I am getting married soon and I want to be a brilliant wife & have a loving lasting marriage

We have been married for 15yrs and can both honestly say that we love each other more now than we ever did.
There is no secret, just normal life as a couple/family.

Respect
Honesty
Attraction
Openess
Tollerance
Compromise
Sharing
Patience

Are just a few bullets I can put down now.

Sometimes things dont come easy, sometimes you think it would be better to lie, to not compromise, to keep things close to your chest....
You might think you are protecting your partner but, if you have chosen the right person and are able to be all of those things then no matter what you can work through most things.

We always text througout the day. Normal and sexy.
We always depart and greet with a kiss.
There is never a day when we don't tell each other "I love you"

We don't always talk, converse alot. Sometimes we just veg infront of TV. But when we do, we have some good conversations but are equally comfortable with silence.

We can row! normally about the children. Everyone rows.

We always find 'adult time' especially important as DW is a SAHM, these times are very precious to us and make us feel like a couple again instead of parents (once a year if we are lucky)
Having 2 boys of 14 and 10 in the house makes privacy in our own home difficult (we are working on that one)

A bit shallow this one, because as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder but.....
I still fancy the pants (knickers) off of my wife. We try to keep fit and look after ourselves. We try to look good for eachother.
That's not to say 'duvet days' are not bad.

Like I said at the begining, life is never always a bed of roses but it's easier if there is someone there to;
argue with
to test things on
to float ideas to
someone to tell you you are right/wrong
someone to tell you that you are being selfish, inconsiderate
Someone to cuddle you
Someone to wipe your tears away
Someone to stand strong on the outside to hold you together when you are falling apart even when they are cracking up inside.
Someone to tell you your a plonker
Someone to tell you that they fancy you.

I could go on for hours and I'm not sure I've answered the OP, lol

Good post btw

Aw andy that is lovely. Got a tear in my eye, but I am currently pregnant so pretty much cry at everything.

I was just going to say that we had to do a marriage prep course before we got married which was really interesting. We did Myers Briggs tests and something called languages of love to see how similar/different we are and how we express and receive love from each other. It all sounds a bit 'management training' I know but understanding that my husband really values me spending time with him has really helped our relationship.

There is a test here for anyone who is bored/ interested.

love languages test

Commitment to the relationship.
Total trust in each other.
Genuine respect for each other.

I like your comment, Finola, "We are on this road together". That's it, through good and bad times, we are a team.

With our children now grown up and left the nest, we are rediscovering each other like we were young free and single again but with wrinkles, grey hair, and sore joints lol.

It sounds silly but saying please and thank you.

Accepting that things aren't always perfect and being honest about that - however hard it sometimes is to say and hear.

Sharing domestic duties fairly (and if you can afford it, we've argued alot less since we've had a cleaner come once a week!)

Spending time together.

Keeping separate friendships and hobbies.

Being able to take the piss out of each other.

Being physically affectionate even when - for whatever reason, pregnancy, childcare etc - our relationship is less sexual.

Telling each other we love each other.

Silly presents for no reason.

Accepting we don't own each other, knowing that we both have differences and things which are personal and private.

Staying on the same team.

Remember that you are always on the same team.

Never take each other for granted and show appreciation.

Have respect for each other. Always, in public as well as just between both of you.

Trust each other.

Be each other's best friend. Friendship is the foundation of a great relationship.

Need each other. Too often people want to be too independent and this often leads to leading separate lives without you even noticing.

Make quality time happen. Don't let life get in the way of the important things.

Let the little things go. Always keep the big picture in mind. Compromise, remember you're working towards a common goal.

The list goes on.... Good luck

It's all about the communication. And sharing the shitwork - I read somewhere that if each person aims to do 70% of the housework etc it works out even. Marrying a man who is good at doing both the above and having similar viewpoints on spending/saving/life plans. Having a 'Team Us' - I don't know, we just feel both on the same side, always. Talk through arguments after - work out what went wrong and be patient.

Honesty, but in a gentle tactful way. Not expecting it will always be a honeymoon period. Making time for each other. Both being self-aware and considerate helps.

Together for 14 years and married for 10 - 4 children later and I can honestly and confidently say we are happily married and will remain so while we are both on this earth.

We trust each other, respect each other, like each other, love each other...

I think one of the biggest things for us is that we put each other first and we always make major decisions together - never separately. We check in with one another before we make big purchases (by big I mean anything over about £50), we decide together on how we spend our time both in the immediate term (neither of us would book a night out without at least checking in with the other one), and in the long term. I know that this maybe sets us apart - I have read enough threads with people aghast at the idea of "asking permission" to go out or to spend money etc..., but it's just respectful. For what it's worth I don't think either of us has ever said no to the other one with regards to money, but we both know that we won't spend money without considering the bigger picture - we trust each other to be sensible so in that sense we don't need to check in, but we do it anyway because we have a marriage based on togetherness, not individuality. Sometimes there are work things or Church meetings etc that come up at an inconvenient time and I will ask DH not to go because of x,y or z reason. It would always be a proper reason though, never on a whim or a sulk, and if he really felt he had to go then I would respect that and it would be the end of the issue - we don't hold grudges.

He is the most important person in my life after God and I will never criticise him or make him the butt of jokes in public. I respect him too much for that and I keep what needs to be private, private.

We compliment each other - not just in how we look but in what we do and we thank each other for the little things and the big things. (I thanked him today for making the effort to get home from work half an hour earlier than normal because he knew I'd had a tough day and would need space to myself before we go out tonight to see friends.

We agree on the big things - most importantly our faith, but also on how to raise our children, on how to deal with our not-always-easy family relationships, on money etc...

I think I'd better stop now...

I've been with the old bugger a looong time and we're happy .

The most helpful thing, I think, is that we have the same values. We want the same things in life. For ourselves, for our DC, for our work.

I've seen many a unhappy couple due to lack of agreement on the fundementals.

Another bonus, is if you like spending time together. DH and I love lots of the same stuff; movies, drama, theatre, books, comedy, eating out, travelling, wine!

We're also prepared to do stuff we know the other likes: I give you a trip around the Barcelona FC NuCamp during a romantic weekend away .

Similarly, DH has dragged around the MoMo, the Tate, the Getty.

One thing I think is deeply important, is that you don't over expect. A long and contented marriage will include disagreements. It won't include daily romance and sex. This is somehting real that you want to build, not a photo op from a Sunday supplement. Think authenticity and you won't go far wrong.

Together 25 years - married for 23.

We were friends first.
We share the same values.
We give each other space for our own interests.
We trust each other 100%.

Dh is honestly my best friend and we talk through everything. Obviously we don't always agree but we work things out and make decisions together.
When it comes to kids, we always back each other up.
We try to get a babysitter occasionally and do things just as a couple. Doesn't happen often and isn't always a big deal, watching football or the cinema. That is nice to remember each other instead of just being mum and dad.
I think having respect for each other and a bit of give and take is important.

For us (engaged, not married yet)-
Wanting the same things - we both like being in eachothers pockets. He's my best friend and we spend enough time apart when he's at work so leisure time is mostly spent together. Couple time is our priority, then family time, then everything else. I honestly believe prioritising your relationship above the children's wants is very important. If you don't nourish your marriage properly, you don't have a family.
Respect - I wouldn't do anything that would upset or annoy him (on purpose) and the vice versa. Definitely no name calling, no shaming eachother. I'm his cheerleader and he's mine. Life's hard enough without having the person closest to you dragging you down or pointing out your flaws.

I met him at a time that I wasn't bothered about being in a relationship and I was done with all the years of contorting myself into someone else's image of "perfect partner". I am myself and DF has the freedom to be himself. I also echo what someone else said about being honest with communicating feelings. If I'm angry I'll do my best to tell him, passive aggression has ruin too many other relationships/friendships for me. It's scary to be that vulnerable but essential IMO.

Loved reading everyone elses :)

And, for the one time he broke my trust, he respected that I would feel insecure, was open and honest and didn't blame me for "making him" be untrustworthy as so many people do. That was a HUGE thing for me. I had big trust issues coming into the relationship so for him to break my trust was devastating and I didn't think we could get it back but we both somehow managed to work and make it happen.

Respect includes each other's privacy. Our phones, email and correspondence are off limits to each other without a specific and one-time instruction. Occasionally DW takes out a store card, buys something small and forgets to pay the bill. 20p late payment is neither here nor there. Once it got as far as a collection agency ringing me at home. All I did was mention it in passing. She was a bit embarrassed but was I going to rant? Bugger that.

Silver next year. There's different hair, more chins but the grins are the same as the photo of us coming down the aisle.

Acceptance.Honesty. Being entirely truthful and no lies or secrets. Strong foundations. No marriage is a breeze, there will be ups and downs but stay strong and work the through it together. My hubby puts up with a lot from me and I love him for it. Equally, he can be a right pain the butt but we love each other desperately. 15 years of marriage and 17 years together is the rest of love, respect and working through the tough times together.

If it's possible to have sex, have sex - sex glues couples.

If it's not possible due to disability/ illness/ erectile dysfunction then have other types of sex/intimacy

Do not stay up late sorting arguments out, go to bed - things always seem less worse in the morning

Develop your own life.

Don't fuck other people without them knowing unless you have explicit consent - and don't develop emotional affairs either

Find a tv/film genre you share - a lot of life is boring/dull or tiring and you have to look after children - if you have a favourite mini series on the go then that last hour in the evening can be spent sharing it

Just remember to invest some time in your marriage. You don't expect a house to run itself without maintenance or your job to do itself or your car to manage its own servicing. Your marriage will outlive all of the other stuff but it's the thing people often forget to put time and effort into.

I like my husband enormously and I like myself. These two things go a long way to making us content. Sod happy. Happiness is a fleeting impression. We're truly content and that is going nowhere. Except Staffordshire. Which is where dh has bogged off to for half term. Bastard.

notadoctor: "Sharing domestic duties fairly (and if you can afford it, we've argued alot less since we've had a cleaner come once a week!)"

My husband and I have only been married a few months, but together nearly 6 years, and chores seem to be the main thing we argue about. I have been wondering about getting a cleaner - it seems like a such a luxury but if it stops the arguments it may well be worth it!

Frequent small kindnesses and everyday thoughtfulness are more heart warming and more conducive to longevity than grand gestures. Be polite to each other. Laugh - a lot, especially at yourselves. (21 years happily unmarried to DP here).

Good luck!

we are best friends and I think the sun shines out of his arse; he knows it shines out of mine

Together for 28 years, married for 24 before DH died, we met at Fresher's. I think it is simple, meet someone you want to cherish. We had pathetic rows, neither of us ever wanted to hurt the other. Kindness, a shared sense of humour and values and above all love gets you through. Even now, nearly three years since he died, it is physically painful that he is gone. You never really appreciate what you have until it is gone so all I can say is I am so glad he left that morning to a kiss and "love you".

Me and my DH don't have much in common, in fact we are total opposites with almost everything from the type of music we like to our ambitions in life..

However, I accept him for who he is and he accepts me for who I am.

We are considerate of each others feelings

We are very affectionate with each other

We laugh a lot, we both have a real silly streak

We have both learned to let the little things go

You cant say the wrong thing to the right person, love that, its so true.

I dunno, but for us its

Laugh together
Enjoy each others company
Say sorry if either of us need to
Just do nice little things for each other
Dont sweat the small stuff
A cuddle, kiss etc, show love.

I have been with my DH 16 years.Since our early twenties.
We have sworn at each other,gone to sleep on a argument,been paranoid,unreasonable and some times have been shit.
We have been through berevement , depression,job losses and house moves and he is still my favorite person

I love that he still wants to hold my hand when we are out.That he texts me to tell me he loves me.Brings me a cupa tea when he is just in the door from working a 12 hour day.
He is a the best person I know and I hope we will grow old and grey together.

Greorge Clooney I am sorry for your loss

Be kind to each other, always. Never say a cruel word, you can't take them back once they are out there. Always remind yourself to make them feel appreciated. Never take it for granted - trust can be destroyed in an moment, and is just the most important thing. Not trusting your spouse will make you into a person you don't want to be.