Jealous about DP going away

[stablepony]

I have been with my DP for 2.5 years, we have been living together for over a year now and I have a DD who is three from a previous relationship who he is amazing with. Her father is not involved and hes been like a father to her. He does lots for us, and he is amazing in every way but...
The whole time we have been together we have never been a weekend away together, not even a night at a hotel, nothing. This is partly because I struggled to find work on a permanant contract and couldn't plan anything incase I got let go. I now have a secure part time job with good wages and nothing is stopping us, he works full time too.

He is planning a trip to Belgium with the lads for a three night stay after xmas and he wants everyone to just give him money for xmas so he can pay for some of the trip. He says its something hes always wanted to do.
I can't help feel annoyed and resentful, feeling like he should be putting us as priority and plan to go somewhere with me. I appriciate he has always wanted to go but I have also always wanted to go to Paris, but I don't just decide to book it! He went on a lads weekend to Newcastle last year and I feel he should really be saving and planning to do something special as a couple.
We may not be able to afford to go on holiday as a couple this year as I am buying a car which I need for work and as its my first car the insurance will be through the roof. He says we can book a little trip together down south if thats what I want but I just don't feel its fair that he gets his trip of a lifetime and I get a 'maybe' we can book to go down south.
He also has his friends stag weekend in the summer, so thats another trip away. Every time we talk about him going away it just ends up in a row.
What do I do? I don't want to be a jealous nag but I really hate feeling like I'm last of his priorities. I know he is the one that suggested the trip to his friends and hes the one planning it all. :(

I think you guys need to talk about what it means to be a family.

He is not your DD's father, so I can see that he doesn't feel the same responsibility towards her as you do (yet?) but he agreed to move in with you BOTH.

I think you need to think about what you want here and tell him clearly what it is.

It sounds like you're both young and as he never made the decision to become a father, he probably hasn't really thought through what it means to be part of a family that includes children.

I think the current dynamic - him getting all the benefits of you and your daughter at home, but otherwise living the life of a young, childless man, will become problematic over time.

That said, I wouldn't have thought a few weekends a year with his mates should be such a big deal.

It wouldn't be such a big deal if we got the chance to have some weekends away. The fact its in Belgium and we have never done anything as a couple together away from the town just gets to me when hes planning trips away with his friends.
I suppose it doesn't matter. If he didn't go because of me then he would almost be 'forced' to go somewhere with me instead, which isn't what I want. I him him to be like "lets book a weekend away together, just me and you and do something special" but i know he would rather go on his lads belgium beer holiday than do anything nice with me. Which hurts.

When you moved in together, did you have the chat about what that meant in terms of his responsibility towards your DD? If not, I'd do that before anything.

IMO children change things. Cohabitation can be very casual and happily unequal before children. Once there are children involved or you get married, you become a single unit. My personal opinion is that if you don't sign up to be a full parent, don't move in with someone who has DC. The other parent may be happy to say "I don't expect you to do x, y, z because DC isn't your child" but the child will never be able to draw that distinction with an adult who lives with them. IMO moving in together when there are children involved is as serious as getting married.

Maybe your DP hasn't really thought about what it means to be part of a family. If he has no children of his own and you haven't explored this area with him, it's possible he just hasn't really thought about it. If he's a decent man however, I wouldn't anticipate there being a problem with you saying that you feel his single man lifestyle is at odds with your living arrangements and that it's destabilising it. You don't want to curtail his fun, but if he wants to be part of a family he has to accept that this means making family a priority and sometimes turning down opportunities for fun in favour of spending family time together and making each other feel special.

At the same time, though, if you get the opportunity to do stuff for yourself that doesn't involve him, go for it. It is healthy to do things apart. The tipping point is when your separate lives start having a detrimental effect on the family, which is where you seem to be at now.

Hope you get it sorted.

Have you told him what you've told us? If he knows you find it hurtful and he does it anyway without also trying to do things as a couple, TBH I'd be evaluating the relationship completely.

Sorry you feel so about it all.

"but i know he would rather go on his lads belgium beer holiday than do anything nice with me."

Well if that's true, then you should probably be asking him to move out and moving on with your life.

If it hurts and you know he'd rather go away with his mates than you, what are you doing with him?

Have you talked to him about going away for a weekend?

We did talk last night but he is justifying it by saying that his family are giving him Xmas money to pay for the trip, so its not a financial strain on us. He says he does want a family weekend trip away if we can afford it in the summer. I just don't see why he can't be saving some Xmas money for us to do something instead, he can always go to Belgium another year! We do have a good relationship apart from this feud and I can't fault him in another way.
He does know its upsetting me but he isn't backing down about going, I think he reckons I'm being controlling or what ever but I try to let it go but when he starts making plans I get annoyed and its like I explode after bottling it up. We will have a chat tonight, but I can just see another row.

OMGEEEEE
I was you a few months back.
STBH went to Amsterdam for a WHOOOOLE weekend weedfest, whilst my Hen night was One bloody night around my local city centre on the same weekend I had been left to look after the kids by myself!!!
I was livid.

if we can afford it in the summer

But he is going on a stag weekend, and he is going to Belgium.

I think you need to tell him that you won't be second to his friends.

I am going to talk to him tonight. I have spoke to my mother about it but she just thinks the sunshine shines out his arse and that I should let him go incase I push him away. But I am not rolling over and taking it when its making me unhappy.
We should be making decisions together and he knows I am not happy about it. He should be saying we will go away together instead and I will go to Belgium another year. While hes swanning off to Belgium I don't get a trip away with my friends!
Just feel like he gets to do what ever he wants and I get the scabby seconds

The thing is, if family can give him money to spend, he still has the choice what he uses it for. DH's parents used to give him quite generous sums for Xmas and birthdays (£200ish) but we'd use it to buy something for the house, or a meal out, or go away somewhere. It was never 'his' money.

I don't know how tight money is for you but you can easily get a weekend away very cheaply- Premier Inns etc are from £59 a night and are fine if they are in a nice city or near one - so it's not going to cost a fortune to go away for a couple of nights.

But costs aside, this is more about him wanting to live like a single man even though you are supposed to be a couple.

Guessing you are both perhaps mid -late 20s?

It's a huge jump for him to go from being a single guy to being a dad to someone else's child and it does sound as if he's not ready for it.

Given that he is standing his ground, and not being very cooperative, I'd be inclined to split up , live in your own place and see him as a boyfriend not a partner- because he's clearly not mature enough yet to take on the responsibility of fatherhood and a committed relationship.

Do you normally go out?
Does he spend time with his friends on a regular basis?

Do you go out on your own?

We probably could afford a weekend together and plan a cheap little getaway which would be nice, but its the fact hes going to Belgium and having a 'special trip' and I feel like I'm getting the sloppy seconds. Which obviously makes me feel like i'm not the first of his priorities. I have always dreamed to go to Paris but I'm not getting to go.
We are both 23 which is young I know. I can understand he wants his fun but its not like hes kept housebound he has a life and sees his friends plenty, has a football season ticket, has plenty freedom. All I want is a bloody weekend away thats special for us as a family.

That's really helpful Lweji

I think you need to have a more 'general' talk with him about what you expect from your relationship. Putting Belgium aside, you need to make it clear that if he lives with you as part of your family unit, then you expect him to play a full part in it - and I do agree that him putting money aside for 'lads weekends' whilst you don't have any time away together at all as a family, isn't putting your family unit first. I agree with others who say moving in with somebody with a child is just as serious as getting married - maybe he's not grasping what that really means and sees it more that he's moved in as a possible step towards something more serious - not the serious part right now, IYSWIM?

If it's not Belgium this year, it will be something else money/time related next year, so you need to get to the bottom of this. You clearly have different expectations of your relationship and that doesn't bode well for the future if it's not sorted

I hope you got the wrong poster, Regina. :)

Ah, love. He's only 23! Nowadays psychologists have said that adolescence goes up to 25. Look- I know this is hard, but this won't end well. he's far, far too young. I know there will be others who come along and say their DHs etc were married at 20 and all's great, but on balance at 23 most guys want to be out with their mates and living a bit.

I feel for you but I feel for him too- many lads of his age have back packed round the world, had a gap year, and seen a bit of life. If he thinks Belgium is such a big treat he must have had a sheltered life.

You need to let him go- not just on this holiday. I can't see it lasting because he's not ready for being a dad or a partner at such a young age.

It's easy to say you have plenty of time, but if it is like this already this year, then the next, by the time you notice he's living the single life and you are the little wife at home, you already have a child with him, possibly a mortgage and things are much more complicated.
Now it's the time for him to show he's worth of you or not.

You've been together no time. He's showing you what he is like. Believe it.
What are you going to do about it?

But you aren't a 'family' you have another man's child and have only lived with this lad for a year. You need if anything to cement YOUR relationship with weekends away for just the 2 of you- not with your son as well. You sound as if you have expectations of him that suit your agenda of creating a little family but he's still just a kid really himself.

It's all too much too soon for him- you just need to see that and not try to chain him down when he doesn't want it. It won't work, really, and sorry :)

Where does it say she wants to go away with the baby?
I only read as a couple, so I imagine couple, romantic time.

Still, you are right, loopy, I don't think it will work.

Your expectations are fair, stablepony. If he prefers to be single, then let him be.

Belgium is lovely but honestly, reading the title I thought NYC? San Francisco? Australia? It's a relief it's not Bangkok.

I get that it's not really the destination but what you feel is the selfishness, the un-couple-ness of the arrangements in Jan and next summer. Living together is such a big commitment, but you feel holidaying together or just a weekend away would be the icing on the cake. Whereas he thinks a breath of fresh air is going away a few nights a year with his mates.

You're both 23, you are probably still a bit more mature than him, don't make him choose between you & your DD and his mates, he's been with you a while and is lovely with your child. Isn't that fundamentally more vital than packing a suitcase together? He prioritises you over lots of things men his age do I am sure. I could understand if you were cross if he got hammered every payday, or felt resentful if he spent hours at football practice and paid for expensive season tickets watching big teams every Saturday and playing Sunday league.

Maybe it's sunk in you are keen to go to Paris and he'll surprise you some day. Hell, take the initiative, book the two of you a trip if Mum can babysit DD.

Um actually yes I did get the wrong poster Lweji -sorry and etcetera!

He says he does want a family weekend trip away if we can afford it in the summer.

She has used the words 'family weekend away' several times.

And yes I agree that he is probably too young (maturity-wise, anyway) to fall straight into being a perfect dad, and that it is a lot to expect from him. But clearly that is the relationship and life that the OP wants. And these conflicts and resentments aren't going to disappear on their own.

And also meant to say before - this bit she just thinks the sunshine shines out his arse and that I should let him go in case I push him away irked me hugely. I would like to think when my daughter is older and asking my advice I will tell her that she should never be afraid to assert what she wants in a relationship just because she might 'push him away'

Loopy IMO if you move in with a woman who has a child you are assuming a parental role and becoming a family. Anything less is unfair and confusing for the child apart from anything else.

But I do think this man may be too young to realise that.