Jealous about DP going away

[stablepony]

I have been with my DP for 2.5 years, we have been living together for over a year now and I have a DD who is three from a previous relationship who he is amazing with. Her father is not involved and hes been like a father to her. He does lots for us, and he is amazing in every way but...
The whole time we have been together we have never been a weekend away together, not even a night at a hotel, nothing. This is partly because I struggled to find work on a permanant contract and couldn't plan anything incase I got let go. I now have a secure part time job with good wages and nothing is stopping us, he works full time too.

He is planning a trip to Belgium with the lads for a three night stay after xmas and he wants everyone to just give him money for xmas so he can pay for some of the trip. He says its something hes always wanted to do.
I can't help feel annoyed and resentful, feeling like he should be putting us as priority and plan to go somewhere with me. I appriciate he has always wanted to go but I have also always wanted to go to Paris, but I don't just decide to book it! He went on a lads weekend to Newcastle last year and I feel he should really be saving and planning to do something special as a couple.
We may not be able to afford to go on holiday as a couple this year as I am buying a car which I need for work and as its my first car the insurance will be through the roof. He says we can book a little trip together down south if thats what I want but I just don't feel its fair that he gets his trip of a lifetime and I get a 'maybe' we can book to go down south.
He also has his friends stag weekend in the summer, so thats another trip away. Every time we talk about him going away it just ends up in a row.
What do I do? I don't want to be a jealous nag but I really hate feeling like I'm last of his priorities. I know he is the one that suggested the trip to his friends and hes the one planning it all. :(

Thankyou for all your advice. I need to talk to him tonight calmly. I understand that he is young and still wants a life but im not going to sacrifice money and family time every year so he can have a jolly good time with his mates while i am sat at home dreaming of family holidays. Tbh i don't mind if we have a couple holiday or a family holiday just as long as we do get to go away. He does a lot for us yes but he also does a lot with friends which is fine but i want time for us too. We both work long hours and it would be nice to unwind somewhere that's not infront of the tv. I just thought he would have jumped at the chance of us going away but clearly going to Belgium was the first thought in his mind. We never argue, which is why i hate this so much. I am annoyed at my mum for basicly telling me to shut up and deal with it when really im not asking for much in the long run.

I agree. But at 23 it's easy to be led by your penis. My son is much older than that and is thinking he won't be ready for kids until he's 35!

And it's easy for a 23 year old woman to want to build a family when she already has a child.

But most of the time there is a mis-match in maturity between women and men of that age.

I think her mum is probably disappointed her DD is a single mum and wants her settled as soon as possible, and can't see beyond that . It's a bit along the lines of 'Be grateful you have found a man and just put up with shit to keep him' attitude. Maybe her mum thinks a man is worth having, at any price.

The reason also that young lads appear to get on well with young kids is often that they are still young kids at heart themselves! But it doesn't mean they are good partners.

OP- did your mum put up with shit from your dad and not have the confidence to speak her mind? You need to grow up to be a strong independent woman not someone who needs a man to support her.
Is this a generational thing- and your mum was always dependent financially on your dad?

You don't argue- that's not healthy. When couples don't argue it usually means one of them is avoiding conflict and unwilling to say what they want.

so agree he goes but at same time book a weekend away in a premier inn for a few months time . or put a deposit on a centerparcs break in middle of term time when its cheap. you can book right ahead so there is no reason not to book it now.

if he wont commit to a date in the spring for a family break then you know where you are....

I guess i have to ask him all this when he gets home. Ie what he wants from this relationship and what he wants for the future. I will be asking him if he plans on going on annual trips abroad with friends because that is not something i will put up with, unless of course its just a weekend away in this country that doesn't cost a bomb and that we get to do something too. I am so grateful to him for being amazing but you are right this is not a problem that will go away. He loves us, and we love him and i want to make it work but either i have to put up with something that makes me unhappy or he has to go without.

I wouldn't chat to him about it again
He wants to go
He's not saying he'll go on a lads weekend every year
Just this year he's going

Loopy, a quick search shows it's only you who has used "family weekend away". The OP has only used "weekend away".
The devil is in the details.

Captain, he wants to go on a stag weekend in the Summer and is saying he may go with OP "if" there's money. I.e. not likely, but I'll dangle this carrot in front of you.

My mum is shitting it incase i lose him. The other night dd was having a tantrum and i got distracted and forgot to pack a change of clothes for going to my mums. Dp had to run a spare set over to mums after dropping me at work and i get s phone call from mum screaming that i am going to lose him he will get fed up of running me around everywhere and causing him hassle. Dp doesn't mind he knows in trying to pass my driving test! Another one on Thurs so i am trying. I will just keep my relationship problems to myself wont bother phoning for advice COs in always made to be a bad apple just because dp has sacrificed a lot for us.

I am sorry, but you did not have a stable job, and you need to save for a car, and you think this means that his family should sponsor him on a family holiday trip with you rather than his mates?

If I were him, I would run for the hills, the moment you tell him this, and try lecture him about his family obligations to you.

"I will be asking him if he plans on going on annual trips abroad with friends because that is not something i will put up with"

OK, I get where you're coming from here, but that just sounds really bossy.

He's a 23 year old man without children, so going on foreign holidays with his friends is something that it pretty normal for him to want to do and expect to be able to do.

You are a 23 year old woman with a 3 year old daughter, so foreign holidays with friends are not so easily achievable for you.

But the problem is that you have a live-in BOYFRIEND.

It doesn't really sound like he is committed to you and your daughter as a partner/stepdad, but that he loves you as a boyfriend and loves your daughter too.

Which, given his age, is entirely reasonable. It doesn't make him a bastard.

But of course, live-in boyfriends and small children don't really go together, because it puts you and him in completely different positions - you think "family" and he thinks "sex on tap at home, still loads of time with my mates".

TBH I think having him move in with you was probably a mistake, and I'd be reconsidering that arrangement.

You don't have to break up if you still love each other, but right now you don't want the same things and I can't see any way for both of you to be happy as domestic partners.

oh, and you dont drive either, and he is ferrying you around.

You sound very young. I would listen to your mum, if I were you.

Good luck for the driving test. :)

you may need Adele's instructor

I fully agree that your mother is giving you the wrong advice.
He should be so lucky to have you, and your DS, as his family.
Primarily, is he a good partner? Is he a good male role model? (not saying dad yet)

You are still young and you shouldn't compromise your happiness for the sake of having a bloke (with a driving licence) at home.

ups, DD.

One thing mumsnet has taught me is that everyone's relationships are different and that they are often still very happy. My DH is probably one of the very few who doesnt go on lads weekends away, similarly I dont go away without him, which many of my friends do.
They have happy marriages and so do I. Some of my friends would go insane if they were always with there husbands and didn't get a break from them. Personally I would be very hurt if my DH wanted to go away anywherer without me.

His work is on the way to my work so its hardly putting him out. I work to bring in an income so he doesn't have to pay everything. As i said i have my driving test on Thurs im not sitting on my arse.

" I work to bring in an income so he doesn't have to pay everything. "

Lucky him.

I know, Quint.

Generally we are very happy i love when he comes home and we just talk and watch rubbish on the telly when dd goes to bed. DD has been a little monster recently and hes very patient and good with her and his family love her too. He takes her for walks and teaches her things. It feels like we have been together a lot longer than 2.5 years. I knew him for years previously. He sees his friends a lot through the week which gives him time just to be free and i do my own thing too. We generally have a good balance. Its just this Belgium trip that's the problem. .maybe i wouldn't feel so bad about it if he actually just booked us something. If he said get the laptop down lets have a look and get excited about it i prob wouldn't care about Belgium providing we could afford it.

I'm sorry, but I don't think that he's behaving unreasonably here. He's not taking money out of the joint purse to pay for these trips, he's using 'gifts' to get away.

If you want to go to Paris, why don't you look into how much it would be and organise something yourself for the two of you? Plan it, cost it and then go.

FWIW, I'm nearly twice your age and when we needed to buy a new car, we didn't go on a family holiday that year, but DH went to a stag do for 4 days and I went away with my friends for a weekend. That's just sometimes how it works out.

At the end of the day Stable you need to go with your gut instinct. It may well be perfectly fine and dandy for a 23 year old lad to be wanting weekends away with his friends. But this man has chosen to live with you - and you come as a family unit.

So whilst his needs and wants may be completely reasonable at his age, they don't fit with what you want and need in your life. It's your call, but I don't see how this relationship can work unless both of you getting what you want from it - it just seems that you're both at different stages.

But that doesn't mean you should back down, shut up and take it, just to be grateful you have a man. Absolutely not. Frankly I would rather be single. What you mother has said speaks volumes (about her) sadly.

From your own description, he seems like a decent bloke who spends most of his time with you.

He sounds really nice actually.

But go ahead, break up with him because you are jealous he goes on a holiday with mates once a year.

Going on a weekend trip with friends does not mean he does not value life with you, and your dd, and does not mean he cant be a good role model.

How many times per week does he go to the pub with mates? How many times per week does he go play/watch sports?

You need to stop talking about "letting" him do things and " putting your foot down".

He is a grown up, if he wants to spend his money on going to Belgium let him. He doesn't have children or the responsibility for a child that you have so why not go away and have a holiday with his friends. If you stop him it will be the death of your relationship in the longer term. You can't control him he is not a child.

Why not just book a holiday/weekend away for the 2 of you for next year, job done. It's not a big deal. I would not start a big discussion about what he wants from the relationship or issue ultimatums about him not being able to go away every year. You say he has made a lot of sacrifices for you so let him do this weekend away, it is his money !

Grow up

Quints hollow would do u suggest i do? Quit my job because its a shame for dp to run me to work. A bus doesn't go to my work as i do equestrian work in the countryside. not everyone has a perfect set up