Jealous about DP going away

[stablepony]

I have been with my DP for 2.5 years, we have been living together for over a year now and I have a DD who is three from a previous relationship who he is amazing with. Her father is not involved and hes been like a father to her. He does lots for us, and he is amazing in every way but...
The whole time we have been together we have never been a weekend away together, not even a night at a hotel, nothing. This is partly because I struggled to find work on a permanant contract and couldn't plan anything incase I got let go. I now have a secure part time job with good wages and nothing is stopping us, he works full time too.

He is planning a trip to Belgium with the lads for a three night stay after xmas and he wants everyone to just give him money for xmas so he can pay for some of the trip. He says its something hes always wanted to do.
I can't help feel annoyed and resentful, feeling like he should be putting us as priority and plan to go somewhere with me. I appriciate he has always wanted to go but I have also always wanted to go to Paris, but I don't just decide to book it! He went on a lads weekend to Newcastle last year and I feel he should really be saving and planning to do something special as a couple.
We may not be able to afford to go on holiday as a couple this year as I am buying a car which I need for work and as its my first car the insurance will be through the roof. He says we can book a little trip together down south if thats what I want but I just don't feel its fair that he gets his trip of a lifetime and I get a 'maybe' we can book to go down south.
He also has his friends stag weekend in the summer, so thats another trip away. Every time we talk about him going away it just ends up in a row.
What do I do? I don't want to be a jealous nag but I really hate feeling like I'm last of his priorities. I know he is the one that suggested the trip to his friends and hes the one planning it all. :(

He does not only drop you off to work, though does he. Look at the big picture, and look at your entire relationship. If you are so eaten with jealousy that you cant handle him going away with friends, then cut him lose!

Actually I posted before reading your latest post. And he does sound like a decent bloke. And like he puts you first most of the time. Now I don't know what I think!

I think I agree with most of what givemeaclue says, purely going on your last post. But I wouldn't add the 'grow up' at the end . Just book the weekend away. Doesn't have to cost a fortune. Tell him you really want to have some time away with him too - and admit you're jealous that his friends are getting something with him that you're not. Jealousy is a perfectly human and normal emotion. He might actually be quite touched that it's that you want some time alone with him too, rather than just wanting to be the big bad grump telling him he's not 'allowed' to have any fun...

Tell him tonight you want to book something together too. Both agree to start putting a tenner a week aside towards it now . Or something...

Its the fact we have done nothing as a couple yet hes booking a trip away with friends for the second year in a row when all we have spoke about is making plans for us, that hurt. I am not going to break up with him over it but it makes me realise that a few questions need to be asked because he is prioritising this trip over one we had always spoke about. That hurt. He is young and works hard and yes he deserves it but so do i and i don't want to settle for second best. And that's the argument we will have. Your right though i shouldn't ask him about what he wants for the future etc as its just a trip hes proved he loves us.

im not going to sacrifice money and family time every year so he can have a jolly good time with his mates while i am sat at home dreaming of family holidays.

You said he's putting his Christmas present money towards this 3 night trip, so he is paying for his own trip? Not squandering DD's playgroup or shoe money or denying you driving lessons?

Is this his first trip ever, or has he been before?

But I get that you feel let down that his first thought is about going away with his mates but not you.
It's not an opportunity that came up, but something he planned from the start and suggested to those friends.

It does make me wonder what he has planned for this weekend.

Why do you need to have an argument?

Just say, right, now the Belgium trip is arranged, let's arrange our weekend away next year , I fancy a weekend in xxxx location, best dates and cost seem to be xxxx, if money is tight lets do that instead of Xmas presents and birthday presents till then.

Why is an argument needed?

Laregina your advice has proved very helpful. I will feel so much better about the whole thing if we did book something and make a plan. The jealously is coming from hearing about Belgium blegium Belgium when all i ever wanted was a trip for us. It sounds pathetic but a romantic break is just what i need. Obviously after having dd i don't get out much which is fine that's all part and parcel but just a little getaway is just what i need. If im not taking care of dd im working or studying and im getting myself all stressed,so hearing him go on about his trip of a lifetime makes me want to scream lol. Yes that's pathetic but that's how i feel.

I hate to break it to you, but you are 23 years old and have a child. When our children were young, we did not get to go on weekend trips to Paris, or Prague together.

I went away with friends a lot when dh and I were young, and I still do. As do he. But in the years our children were really young, we did not go away a lot. We did before we had children, and now they are older.

I think your wants are way above your means. Work hard, save money, and go away. Just dont throw your rattles out of the pram over him going away with friends.

Calm down. It is 3 days in Belgium it is not the trip of a lifetime. What would make you feel better is booking your own trip together so just do it! Once you have that booked you will feel a lot better and have it sorted to look forward to. Focus on that.

Lweji it's not Amsterdam he's going to, OP hasn't said she's worried about him chasing Belgian girls.

I feel like I'm getting the sloppy seconds. I could almost see the bottom lip jutting. But since reading subsequent posts, overall I suspect OP is a grounded person who is doing her utmost by her DD and just needs that affirmation from her Dp in the form of booked time off together.

Fair play to you stablepony you posted and didn't run away from replies which didn't agree with you, I hope things are strong between you and DP and good luck for Thursday's driving test.

He went to Newcastle last year for the weekend i didn't moan lol and the year before when we just got together he went to Bulgaria for the week which he already had booked so fair doos. Next year he has Belgium booked and his friends stag do, which is why im itching to get away with him. I was angry because i thought he would book our trip first. Hes going to Belgium to watch some footie game and go to the beer festival

You are both just 23 and you are beginning your life together.

Marriage is about compromise, and that involves sucking up stuff sometimes.

If you start getting agitated about this, he will associate you with spoiling his fun. This is not something to get vexed about.

If you want your marriage to at least start happily, then if I were you il would support him enthusiastically. He's always wanted to do something, therefore be happy for him. Not forced or contrived happy, and then throw it ack in his face later on down the line. But try to be genuinely happy for him. When my DH goes out, I genuinely am happy for him because I think 'wow you bloody deserve it!'. And he too will suggest to me that I need a break and should go out. It's swings and roundabouts.

Then, if there is something you particularly would like to do further down the line, he should support you and want you to do for yourself.

Sometimes in a marriage you do stuff together, sometimes you do stuff apart. Sometimes you do stuff you don't want to do.

It depends where in Belgium, although I'd probably go more for the bear. :)

I have to say it would hurt me if my partner was planning a second trip away, with a third on the horizon, without considering going with me on one first or being firm about booking one with me.

Op can you show him this evening a trip you want to go on and get it booked?

WHere do you fancy going?

I don't understand why you don't say "I'd love for us to go on a romantic couple weekend in Paris whilst mum has my daughter". I've got the laptop down myself - come on love, You're on it now! - and priced it up for next Sept. We'd have to save £x a month. What do you think?
If he says no, there's your answer.
Fair enough if he says how about a night less, or save another 4 months. But it does sound like you're expecting him to organise it all, and make the decisions? Why?

Your all right though i probably do expect too much of him. I went through hell with dds dad and he buggered off and left her so i took it upon myself to be the best mum i can be and we are lucky enough to have dp i suppose i put pressure on him too. and i always vision little holidays with her when shes a bit older, having what all the other kids with good parents get. We do appreciate you need to work hard to have holidays and nice things but i do put a lot of pressure on myself to have the perfect home perfect family and i probably do put the pressure on dp as well. I think all this has made me realise what an idiot ive been and i need to chill out and stop expecting so much of him, and myself. Jees wake up call.

Lweji

It's not just me saying 'family- the piece I copied and pasted was directly from the OP post and was one of several where she mentioned family time.

When ever i mention booking a trip he just says yeah wherever, whatever which makes me think hes only doing it to shut me up and doesn't care about where we go as long as he gets to Belgium. And he wants me to organise it but i want us to both look forward to it, Belgium is much more exciting and the talk of us booking somewhere gets pushed aside.

Ok so you organise it then. He has said he doesn't mind where you go, so you pick and book it.

Why does he want to go to Belgium?
Why do you want to go to Paris?
Maybe he's not excited because he's not keen on your ideas.
Which doesn't let him off the hook... but it does sound like you want him to get excited so you aren't booking and that's a vicious circle.
I still think you should just sit down and say - if it's wherever whatever, then let's pin that down. And book / agree savings plan to book in future.
If he's reluctant to go away with you at all - not just not enthusiastic about choosing, but when you are making definite plans, he backs away, then this has run its course.
Good luck!

Rewind they are not married. He is her boyfriend who lies with her and her child from another man.

OP gonna be a bit mean here, but I guess your DD was not planned? And you weren't really in a proper relationship with her dad? That means you have had to grow up rather fast. The average age now for a first child is 29.8 years. So I think you have most likely missed out on all the fun stuff that girls your age do.
You have not really had much fun and had to go straight from being a 19 year old teen to a full time single mum.

But your boyfriend is a 23 year old guy- he doesn't feel the need for a family set up like you do I bet. Most 23 year old guys are still living with their own mums. You need to see the bigger picture and get some perspective on this.

But you also seem be expecting to live like a couple who are much older than you both are, and tie your boyfriend into a role which he clearly is not ready for. it's fun living with your girlfriend and 2 yr old girls are cute- but that's a long way from living as a family and forgoing some of the things that might involve.

Both DH and I have had holidays alone or with friends during our marriage. First we could afford it, but also we allowed each other the freedom.

You seem to want to deny your boyfriend 'fun' because you never had any as a teen or young woman. You are expecting him to go from being a carefree young man, to a settled step dad at 23. You are expecting him to stop -no, make that start- doing all the stuff that 23 yr olds do- simply because you are jealous.

I don't mean this unkindly but you seem to be wanting to tie him down because you made a mistake and are tied with a child.

What about saving the vouchers from the sun or the daily mail and booking a long weekend. My dds love it, we go every year.

TBH, I wudnt bring up the Belgium trip tonight. I would have a look at trips you would like to take and ask him to have a look and see what he thinks. Then you could put a little away each week towards it.
He sounds like a decent chap OP. My dh goes away with his friends a couple of times a year and I have no beef with that, as long as we can afford it of course.
Good luck x

lies??? Freudian slip- lives*.

stable - I don't think you're being at all unreasonable in asking for what you want and being firm about it. You may be a little naive given your DP's age and the fact that DD isn't his biologically, but you're not being unreasonable.

Your DP does sound like a nice guy, but I defy anyone not to feel hurt if their DP has planned and gone on no less than four lads weekends away while never once planning one for his girlfriend despite knowing how much she would like to go on one. His age is irrelevant to that one. As a fiercely independent and somewhat immature 21-year-old I'd have chosen a friends trip over a BF trip any day, but even I was capable of seeing that if I did that each and every time I'd soon have a hurt BF on my hands.

Like some other posters, I think what you both want is possibly different. Neither one of you is unreasonable in your perspective but at the moment they're not matching. That needs sorting ASAP before it starts affecting your DD. I'd recommend a good long chat about your relationship and your future together. It doesn't have to be heavy, or issued as an ultimatum, but it's high time you each learned where the other stood and where your respective lines are drawn.

I think you also need to have a very serious think about your own career and financial future. You mentioned something about working so that your boy friend doesn't have to pay for it all- so are you not financially able to support yourself and your DD?

You don't want to cling to someone unsuitable simply because they bring home the bacon.

This will put you in a very insecure and needy position where you might want to hang on for all the wrong reasons. I suspect this is partly behind your mum's thinking that you hang onto him.