Jealous about DP going away

[stablepony]

I have been with my DP for 2.5 years, we have been living together for over a year now and I have a DD who is three from a previous relationship who he is amazing with. Her father is not involved and hes been like a father to her. He does lots for us, and he is amazing in every way but...
The whole time we have been together we have never been a weekend away together, not even a night at a hotel, nothing. This is partly because I struggled to find work on a permanant contract and couldn't plan anything incase I got let go. I now have a secure part time job with good wages and nothing is stopping us, he works full time too.

He is planning a trip to Belgium with the lads for a three night stay after xmas and he wants everyone to just give him money for xmas so he can pay for some of the trip. He says its something hes always wanted to do.
I can't help feel annoyed and resentful, feeling like he should be putting us as priority and plan to go somewhere with me. I appriciate he has always wanted to go but I have also always wanted to go to Paris, but I don't just decide to book it! He went on a lads weekend to Newcastle last year and I feel he should really be saving and planning to do something special as a couple.
We may not be able to afford to go on holiday as a couple this year as I am buying a car which I need for work and as its my first car the insurance will be through the roof. He says we can book a little trip together down south if thats what I want but I just don't feel its fair that he gets his trip of a lifetime and I get a 'maybe' we can book to go down south.
He also has his friends stag weekend in the summer, so thats another trip away. Every time we talk about him going away it just ends up in a row.
What do I do? I don't want to be a jealous nag but I really hate feeling like I'm last of his priorities. I know he is the one that suggested the trip to his friends and hes the one planning it all. :(

You seem to want to deny your boyfriend 'fun' because you never had any as a teen or young woman. You are expecting him to go from being a carefree young man, to a settled step dad at 23. You are expecting him to stop -no, make that start- doing all the stuff that 23 yr olds do- simply because you are jealous.

It doesn't seem that way to me.
It seems that the OP wants to have fun with her DP, together, as well as him having fun.
The impression I got is that he is all about having fun on his own with his mates, but not including the OP in his fun time.

I agree Lweji Also, let's not forget that no one put a gun to the BF's head and told him to move in with a woman who had a child. While he can certainly be forgiven for not thinking through the full ramifications of taking on the de facto parent role, he'd have to be pretty unintelligent not to have realised that this would not be the same as living life as a bachelor or cohabiting with a childless girlfriend.

So you think a weekend away en famille is as good as a weekend away with the lads?

But don't you think that part of having fun as a young person is by doing what you want, when you want, without being accountable to anyone?
There is rather a difference between a lads' weekend away and a weekend with your girlfriend and her child.

I think you are actually agreeing with what I posted not making a different point!

They really ought to be able to do both and each be happy- but the sticking point is they can't afford it ( and weekends in Paris with a young child are not within reach of many 23 year olds) and more to the point, he doesn't seem remotely interested in making it happen.

No Dhalen- not unintelligent just selfish and a bit naive. Like most 23 year old guys are.

OP i think your mum is behaving in a very toxic way She screamed at you down the phone just cos he ran a change of clothes around for your daughter.
And the fact that she is suggesting you act like a doormat in your relationships would worry me more than a partner going away. My DM has this attitude and it has caused a lot of resentment.
Why is your mum so frightened of you being single? Is she one of those mothers who think that having a man is the be all and end all or does she want more grandchildren. I sense an agenda from her here.

Sorry i should have worded that better. I don't work so he doesn't have to pay everything i work so i can provide and we can have more of a nice lifestyle plus i love my job to bits. I don't mind him having fun he goes to footie matches on a sat, plays footie with friends on a sun, pub quiz on a Thurs and cinema on the odd occasion he has it pretty good and i don't mind as it lets me do things i enjoy like riding and cooking quality time with dd etc. I just wish we could have more fun as a couple as in doing things together which is hard because we work and u can only go out for a meal so many times before it gets boring. I just need a change in scenery, not that im bored with our relationship but i do want a getaway so we can have couple time or a family getaway with dd and do things as a family

Not a weekend as a family.
A weekend with his partner.
That should be fun.

And why can't he have fun as part of a family? Why do only weekends away with the boys count as fun?

So you think a weekend away en famille is as good as a weekend away with the lads? shock

Different, but it should be as good, yes.
Otherwise, why shack up with a mother with a child?
Better to stay single.

I think my mum is scared of me losing him as hes good to dd and me treats us well etc but she never listens or advises just tells me to shut up or i will lose him and we don't have heated arguments every week we aren't on shaky ground, this is the worst argument so far and hes not gonna up sticks because of this. She is really getting on my nerves and at the moment feel like i cant talk to her.

But don't you think that part of having fun as a young person is by doing what you want, when you want, without being accountable to anyone?
And no, actually, I don't necessarily think so.
Even going with friends, we often end up doing things that are compromises.

We can have different ideas of fun, not necessarily "do what I want when I want it".
If his sole idea of fun is to go out and get wasted (and footie), then I'm not sure I'd want to be with that person.
If his idea of fun includes spending time and doing things with people he loves, then it would be more up my street.

When i think hard about it im so pissed of COs from the start of our relationship i have rambled on about Paris and hes gone and booked bloody lads weekend in Belgium when that could have been our three days in Paris and the fact we've been nowhere and hes been everywhere with his pals! I guess i just need to tell him that. And i know if i do the organizing we can go down south next year for a weekend but we could have made Paris happen if he wasn't all about the lads

he wasn't all about the lads

Apart from Belgium, I think you have to think very carefully about this aspect.

What when you have children with him?

At the moment he has the excuse that your DD is not his.
Will he still spend half his weekend with the lads, and going out as much?

Don't assume he'll be better. In fact, he is likely to get worse, as he'll think you are more dependent on him, because of the children.

How is work at home shared?

stablepony I feel for you, I really do. Your comment that he's all about the lads made me wonder - is he the only one in his group in a committed relationship / with DC (or with a partner who has them?)

As an earlier poster said, 23 is still adolescence - youth work covers up to 25 - and for guys of that age peer pressure is huge. So even if he would be as happy with a trip away with you, he might not want to say so. He's just finding out who he is and growing into himself; asserting himself with his friends, or with you, will be a daunting thought.

You want to be his priority and that is fair. It doesn't mean he has to spend all his time, money and energy on or with you but it does mean he has to think about you as a couple and you as an individual.

Good luck

loopy I don't think you estimation of stable's DP is wrong, but what he wants doesn't trump what the OP wants. They are equal. She has just as much right to expect support and romance from her live-in partner as he does to expect to be able to go out and have fun with his friends.

So the question is not if the OP is being unreasonable but whether her DP is willing to give her what she wants - which only he can answer.

You are perfectly entitled to ask this of him.

He is entitled to say no - or that he can't afford both. :(

He is very young, and if he were my son, I'd be saying, go away with your friends more. You've got plenty of time for family life later.

I agree Dahlen.

I don't think he is ready for fatherhood of a step child, or even his own child. I think he has a lot of living to do outside of a relationship and this is not compatible with what stable wants. To my mind the worst scenario would be they muddle along, maybe have a child together sooner rather than later, then at 35 he realises he has missed out on a lot of the stuff that men his age did before settling down.

I might be biased I know because I was in my 30s before I had children and all my family- parents and grandparents- didn't have children until they were 30. I am a firm believer in living a bit before you have responsibilities like a child.

makes me feel like i'm not the first of his priorities. I have always dreamed to go to Paris but I'm not getting to go.

You are the only one stopping you going to Paris.

"Don't make someone a priority for whom you are only an option"

Just go with DD (if she is old enough, and if not, when she is).

I am a single mum and have travelled together with my DS. It's great! Great times, great memories. It's magic!

Don't wait around in life for other people to "make it good for you". You have that responsibility towards yourself. (and DC).

Expecting others to make your life for you, well, only sadness and frustration lies that way.

I'm much the same loopy and I'd have probably made an awful parent had I not done my travelling and irresponsibility beforehand, but then neither would I have moved in with someone who had a child living with them full time. He did. I don't he can fairly say the OP is pressurising him into responsibility he doesn't want - he actively chose it.

OK, he might not have been fully aware of what he was entering into, but after 12 months he will be. He now has to have the balls to either live up to expectations or admit that it's asking more of him than he's comfortable giving - either of which is a fair reaction. Stonewalling the OP and making her feel rubbish about it is not fair, however.

OP - I would sit down and have a grown-up talk about it. But in your shoes I would be prepared for the option of ending the relationship or him at least moving out for a while. I don't think anything else is fair on your DD.

I missed some of your later posts stable before posting the above.

TBH it sounds as if you are both sharing the same accommodation but not really together as a couple. If he goes out 3-4 times a week-footie match, footie practise, pub quiz and something else, then that means he's out of the house more than in with you.

Whose idea was it for him to move in and how do you share the rent and bills? Is it all 50-50?

You see I think he cares about you but not so much that he will stop living like a single lad. He's had ample opportunity to arrange some time away with you at weekends but he's not fussed. He doesn't want to.

I'm sorry and feel for you but I think you need to accept this is not giving you what you want.

What's his options? Back home to mum and dad? Are you a cop out from that?

I agree Dahlen. A good honest talk, but be prepared for him to say he wants to stay ( because his options may not be that attractive.)

I agree, but if he says he wants to stay, he should reassure you that he does want this relationship and there's a future for it. With actions, not words.

just ask him when and where hes planning on taking YOU for your fun weekend.

I wouldnt go on about your dc coming. Its a completely different thing.

Bills are split but he does pay more due to the fact he earns more and has a car i pretty much cover food costs and gas and electric and other bits and bobs we need he has a decent wage for someone his age. At home he is quite good watches dd when im at work and does the housework and prepares dinner and i do the same when hes at work. Thurs and suns are the days he spends with friends after work and he goes to footie on a sat but im working anyway so my mum has her for a bit. I try to give him a long leash because i know he is still young.

Gosh - I think this is pretty simple really. He is getting Xmas pressies of cash to fund the belgium trip so this is not a drain on your family finances. You need to work out a budget from family finances to fund a family holiday.

The two are mutually exclusive. If he was not going to Belgium it would not suddenly mean that you were going somewhere else. Stop being a martyr and plan another trip for all of you. Stop being resentful of Belgium. Him going to Belgium is not the problem. Separate the two and you will probably sound a lot less whingy to him and he may respond more reasonably to you wanting to go somewhere as a couple/family.

FWIW if I relied on DH to plan our hols we would never go anywhere except his home country. I plan them and we all enjoy them when we are there, I don't spend the time resenting him planning his trips home.

[I the only one finding it hard to take a this thread entirely seriously because it is about Belgium. I mean I love Belgium - Mannequin Piss, waffles, moules frites, chocolate and leffe and all but...]