Jealous about DP going away

[stablepony]

I have been with my DP for 2.5 years, we have been living together for over a year now and I have a DD who is three from a previous relationship who he is amazing with. Her father is not involved and hes been like a father to her. He does lots for us, and he is amazing in every way but...
The whole time we have been together we have never been a weekend away together, not even a night at a hotel, nothing. This is partly because I struggled to find work on a permanant contract and couldn't plan anything incase I got let go. I now have a secure part time job with good wages and nothing is stopping us, he works full time too.

He is planning a trip to Belgium with the lads for a three night stay after xmas and he wants everyone to just give him money for xmas so he can pay for some of the trip. He says its something hes always wanted to do.
I can't help feel annoyed and resentful, feeling like he should be putting us as priority and plan to go somewhere with me. I appriciate he has always wanted to go but I have also always wanted to go to Paris, but I don't just decide to book it! He went on a lads weekend to Newcastle last year and I feel he should really be saving and planning to do something special as a couple.
We may not be able to afford to go on holiday as a couple this year as I am buying a car which I need for work and as its my first car the insurance will be through the roof. He says we can book a little trip together down south if thats what I want but I just don't feel its fair that he gets his trip of a lifetime and I get a 'maybe' we can book to go down south.
He also has his friends stag weekend in the summer, so thats another trip away. Every time we talk about him going away it just ends up in a row.
What do I do? I don't want to be a jealous nag but I really hate feeling like I'm last of his priorities. I know he is the one that suggested the trip to his friends and hes the one planning it all. :(

I particularly dislike Belgium, so I didn't comment on that aspect.

Is he going for the beer?

My DH has never ever arranged a hols for us in 30+ years but he does show masses of enthusiasm if I suggest things we do.

I think it's irrelevant where he's going- Belgium, Bolivia, Borneo- who cares?

The fundamental issues are different expectations of what couples with a child do ( and can afford without hand outs from family) and the OP feeling neglected, not his priority and bored with her life.

You 'try to give him a long leash'. Sorry but some of your language is very controlling and if you carry on with this attitude, he will feel stifled and then resentment will kick in. I know, I've been there; I lived with an ex from 22 to 27, being a step mum to his little boy, I enjoyed it but was far too young too young to take on such a huge responsibility, although I did my best, but my ex tried to control me like you are trying to control your bf, and I'm afraid in the end, at 27, I got out of it. I felt utterly suffocated by the end of it all.

Yeah its the beer and the football lol. After two and a half years of talking about doing things together, holidays etc i do feel neglected when he books Belgium after one discussion with friends and i get put on the back burner, my dreams can wait as long as his are fulfilled. That's how i feel and when dd gets to bed that's what i will tell him. I want a future, things to look forward to together. And i am wondering if his friends and i will get split 50/50 ie if he has a hol with me does that mean we cant plan another one COs he feels he needs another one with his friends.

If you want to go to Paris, book a trip to Paris. If you can't afford that on your own, well those are the breaks, save up til you can. It shouldn't be this hard. Your DP has found a way to fund his trip, maybe see that as inspiration and get on with organizing a trip for yourself.

However I think you need to work out what you're really wanting from a relationship, because it sounds like you want something far more serious than you currently have. A weekend in Paris isn't going to help with that. Right now your partner isn't a step-father nor a husband. Right now he's got one foot in and one foot out, he's kind of family, but still outside your family unit with DD. That put's him in a tough position, and you can't expect him to be making decisions as though you're a family when you're not quite there yet. You need to have a chat.

The way you talk about him isn't great. 'Long leash' 'he has it pretty good', 'don't mind him having fun'...he's a 23 year old man. He has a few activities/catch-ups with mates each week and he's going on one lads weekend next year. That isn't exactly a wild lifestyle, it's pretty much the minimum you'd expect from a moderately sociable young man, even one with a family. Hell, DH and I manage that and we're well and truly settled down. I get the feeling you think you deserve a pat on the back for allowing your partner to have a social life, which really isn't a good way to be looking at it.

I don't control him he has his friends and the things he likes to do and i have mine but when you have a family you put them first. I don't think i am been unreasonable when i want to book a hol after 2.5 years of been together. I don't stop him going out i don't give him a curfew. I think i have every right to be peeved after talking for years about going somewhere and he books a getaway with friends instead even though hes been away with them previously. That's what i have a bee in my bonnet about. However if he was out clubbing it every weekend and treating me like a doormat then i would put my foot down. When you have children you have expectations and if he doesn't like it then he knows what he can do. My childs happiness comes first. He has more respect for me than that though

but when you have a family you put them first

I don't know how to say this kindly stable but it's YOU who has the family. You seem to have unrealistic expectations of a lad who is a partner, and who is not the father of your child. There is no way he is as committed to your DD as you are. I've known a few men ( friends) who were step dads - but not until their late 30s and early 40s- and they all said that yes, they cared for their step children, but not the same as if they were their flesh and blood.

I think you need to show some empathy here for how he feels.

I also think you are muddling up your own emotions and ideas.
A 3 year old does not need or want to go on holiday- in the UK , Paris or anywhere. So don't say you are putting her first- this thread is all about you.

You just don't seem to 'get' the idea that there is a gap- a chasm almost- between how you see your life as a mum and want to play 'happy families' and how your boyfriend may feel about it all.

and if you really really wanted to go away on hols why haven't you budgeted, saved, got the brochures out or logged-on, and chosen somewhere? Why is it all down to him to do it all and treat you like a princess? You are a grown woman with a job - you can go anywhere you want- just organise it.

What loopyloulu said.

You and your DD are a family. Your DP is outside of that.

And again, show some initiative and just book a bloody holiday. It isn't your DP's fault you've been wanting it for years but haven't done anything about it.

Whoa, a minute. It is absolutely not on to suggest that step parents aren't capable of loving a child as much as their own, just as it would be to say the same about adoptive parents. It is extremely offensive in fact. Not all step-parents bond well with their children, but neither do all biological parents for that matter. Also, what is felt and what is done aren't necessarily the same thing. There are many step-parents and many parents who have 'favourites' who keep their feelings to themselves, treat DC equally/appropriately and do the right thing because it is the right thing.

Is the OP's DP capable of that? I don't know. At the moment it seems not, and I'll admit that on the law of averages it is less likely because of his age. Only he knows the answer to that. But it is a fallacy to think that just because he is only 23 and the child is not his that he can't possibly put the child first. Many, many parents of that age and younger, of both sexes, do just that.

I don't think the OP owes her partner any special empathy for her age. She owes him the same amount of empathy any human being owes another, particularly a partner. By the same token, he should have some empathy towards her need to be treated like a treasured girlfriend because anyone who seriously thinks that a GF wanting to organise a holiday together after a relationship of 2.5 years is being unreasonable needs their head read IMO.

sorry but it is 'on' to say that because some people feel that way. It's not on for you to ride roughshod over their feelings in some attempt to be all pc about it.

I'm not riding roughshod over anyone's feelings. I'm not the one telling anyone who has a relationship with a child who is not biologically their own that what they feel for that child can never compare to what a biological parent feels.

There are step parents who love their step kids as if they were theirs- equally there are those who can't. Both are entitled to their feelings. Adoption is something else- you choose to adopt having made the choice and realised you can love a non biological child. No one chooses to go out and find a partner simply to become a step parent to their child.

I don't think OP is unreasonable for wanting a holiday, but it's not like she was in the middle of planning a trip with her partner and he decided he was going to Belgium instead. OP can talk about a holiday until she's blue in the face, but until she and her DP actually start planning and booking, why shouldn't her DP commit to a trip that's actually happening?

I think I'm going to withdraw from this thread. I am disappointed that so many women think it is asking too much of their partners to want to go on a holiday with them and plan it with the same enthusiasm with which they plan a lad's weekend. It's the boys will be boys mentality that actually translates into an excuse for inconsiderate behaviour from men of all ages. I'm very pleased to say that I know of many young men younger than the OP's DP who are capable of treating others with the same degree of consideration and respect for feelings as they would hope for in return. I'm sorry for those who think that being 23 counts as an excuse for not doing so. It may be young, and many people will still be immature at that age and make many errors of judgement, but selfishness is a personality trait IME, not an age-related thing.

If the OP's DP doesn't want to settle down and assume responsibility for being a dad that's one thing. Stringing the OP along while rubbing her face in it is quite another and not at all related to the fact that he's 23. At 23 he is old enough to vote, die for his country, be an MP, be a graduate, be a director in a company. He's old enough to organise his mates weekends, he's certainly capable of organising a weekend for the OP and if he genuinely loved her I'd have thought that after a relationship of 2.5 years he'd be thinking about it.

I know he loves her like his own i can see and feel it. Hes just came in and they are inseparable. Hes young but they have a bond that can only get stronger. I am lucky for that. When i said put my child first i meant if he was out clubbing it all the time and not been a very good role model but he is. Yes the holiday is what i want not my three year old. This has blown out of proportion probably COs in rubbish with words but all i wanted was a getaway and im pissed off because hes booked one with friends and i may not get one until next year. If that's controlling or suffocating then well..nothing i can say. Apart from this Belgium thing we are happy i love him dearly and im sure we will sort it out by making plans of our own and talking about what we both want. I was really upset reading that because of his age he cant love dd like his own but then when he came home i saw them together and realised he does

The crux is whether he loves playing with her or loves her enough to be a proper stepfather.

Does he love you and her more than time with his mates?

Or rather, you above his mates.

Even when faced with the question he can't muster the enthusiasm to plan time away with you, without your DD.
But he raises money and engages his mates for a weekend away.

What does that tell you?

It's clear what his priorities are.

You may have a boyfriend, but you don't have a partner, IMO.

Stable without sounding like a fucking bitch, you have no point of comparison, so you can't say that you can tell he loves her like his own...

The point is his actions are not the actions of a man who sees himself as in a family. And to be honest, that's perfectly understandable. Maybe he was naive and should never have moved in with you, but becoming a stepfather to such a young child at 22 was a massive ask. People say he gets "all the benefits" of living with you and your DD, but I bet deep down he knows and his mates are reminding him this is not the life he would have chosen at 23. Maybe you will have to let each other go, but I have to say it sounds like he's stepped up admirably. (Where's your anger for your DD's absent father btw?)

I can see why you're pissed. It's normal for a couple to go on holiday after 2.5 years together. But your situation isn't exactly normal for a 23 year old couple.

More importantly what are you doing to change this? Why haven't you booked the holiday? Can you actually afford it (ie pay 50 per cent yourself?) If not then you have to learn to live within your means as others have said, you can't expect him to subside you. It sounds like money is tight, if he can't afford three days in sodding Belgium he is not doing well financially.

If the OP's DP doesn't want to settle down and assume responsibility for being a dad that's one thing. Stringing the OP along while rubbing her face in it is quite another

Living together over a year and I've not seen OP say he treats the place like a hotel, nor expects her to wait on him hand and foot. He's not a cocklodger lolling about while she slaves and pays for everything.

stablepony you can book a trip to Paris, where you've hankered going, but you can't make him look forward to it. If I were you I'd pass your driving test, see about a car, a Parisian trip can come later.

If he were 5 years older you might not have needed to start this thread. Or he could be even less inclined to book romantic getaways.

However this works out please don't let your DM harangue you for standing up for what you believe to be in your best interest or if it comes to that, finishing something that you don't want to be part of.

OK stable I've just read through the rest of the thread - firstly I wanted to say I think some people are being a little bit unfair to your partner and to you. Don't let other people's assumptions about your life upset you .

There is no reason why a 23 year old (decent) man shouldn't be completely capable of loving and wanting to be a father to his girlfriend's child. You know him and clearly have a pretty good insight into his relationship with your DD.... I am also living proof that it happens actually - DH was 25 when we met and I then had a baby from a previous (very bad) relationship. Getting on for two decades later, we are still very happily married (he eventually formally adopted my DC1) and have had two more DC together. And at no point did any of his friends, as far as I know, ever made snide remarks or digs about him being with a woman with a baby. Maybe he has good taste in friends, as well as in women ....

Having said that, if he is a lovely guy in every other way, I think you have to 'suck it up' about Belgium TBH. I think he sounds worth it . But definitely be a bit more pro-active about what you want and book the Paris weekend. Just do it - you will only have to pay a deposit for now. Maybe then suggest that you go halves on the rest and call it a (very romantic) Christmas present to each other.

And I also wanted to just say, sometimes our mothers don't have a clue. My mum is lovely but led a very different life to me growing up. She wouldn't have had a clue about how to deal with things I've had to deal with and to be honest I soon stopped asking her advice and learnt to just nod and smile and ignore. Vent to your friends instead

I was that 23 year old man thrust into a world of responsibility at the age of 22 with someone who also wanted to shape my life for me.

By the time I was 30 i realised that it wasn't for me and that I needed to be able to fulfil my own dreams and ambitions.

I was loving, a good dad and did my share but the constant being told what to do ground me down and eventually it became too much. The relationship ended and I followed my dreams and found a partner who was happy to let me do so and in return gave her the freedom to do what she wanted.

Be very careful with your current approach as you will push him away. He is 23. He needs to experience life and if this isn't for you them you need to let him go and probably look for someone a little older who has already fulfilled his ambitions.

Totheteeth great post and I agree.

How much is the weekend? £300? Air fares and accommodation are not expensive. If he has a good wage that is not a lot of money on 2 incomes. It makes your Paris trip seem a bit far off though because it would cost a lot more. Are you being realistic about what you can afford? And are you saving anything towards a holiday for you both?

Dahlen do you think you are possibly twisting the comments here to suit your agenda? Your last post is not an accurate summary of anything that's been said- you have in fact taken some comments and turned them into what they weren't.

You imply people here are sticking up for the bloke- and saying that at 23 he isn't capable of being considerate like other guys his age. That's twisting what was said. What's been said is not that he can't be considerate but that he is not emotionally ready for fatherhood and family life because of his age. There's a difference- I think you know that.

Agree with what loopy said