How hideous is going no contact?

[NumptyNameChange]

not sure how much to write but after my sister had a hissy fit over nothing and threw me and my son out of her house in the rain without our coats (and with my keys in my coat pocket) in front of her own children (her daughter was really upset by it all) i have refused to go 'back to normal' re: forget anything ever happened yet again.

as a result i've ceased to be invited to family gatherings for over a month and no one wished me luck for an interview or asked how it went and basically i'm being punished for not playing the game/the role/etc that i am meant to.

another posters thread on here has really brought the dysfunctional dynamics of my family to life for me - they were anyway but you know how when you read it in someone else's life it's so much clearer?

anyway my role was always scapegoat and whipping boy (i'm female btw). no matter what successes i have it won't change a thing. things going well or that in any way disprove the role i've been assigned are just ignored.

i have never in my life been asked by my mother how i am or how things are going. i've never had an apology even when she has been absolutely monstrous. i'm pretty sure she is a narcissist - ticks all the boxes etc.

i have built pretty good boundaries over the years and laughingly refer to my teflon coating that lets the abuse slide off but i find myself wondering why on earth i put up with it at all or allow these people who are so keen to destroy me in my life.

could say lots more but not sure if i'll regret putting this out there. my parents are due to go away for a long spell soon, i haven't seen them for about a month despite living close by and i would actually rather not see them before they go away and rather not have my son go there as at the minute it feels really important to me for us to be together and not polluted by all the extended family madness. i suspect the pressure will come on soon or the 'you're such a bad person' trip.

i massively miss my sister's children but i no longer feel i can put up with all the shit i have to take to be in their lives. i'm tired of being painted as someone i genuinely don't even recognise and never did even as a child and having motives and intentions and actions attributed to me that bear no relation to reality. i'm sick of the crazy making of people behaving monstrously and then just lying or pretending it never happened or that i'm the crazy one and it was all my fault somehow. i'm also sick of allowing my son to be around people who don't have the most basic respect for me.

not sure what the point of this post is - maybe just to put it out there.

thank you.

someone said upthread that they made it simple for their child/ren by saying something like, 'we don't put up with people who aren't kind'. might even have been on another thread. it has really stuck with me that it is that simple and can be explained to a child that simply and that not avoiding unkind people teaches a child to shut up and put up with kindness or to feel ok about being unkind. i've tended to put up with unkindness and my sister has tended to feel entitled to dole it out with impunity. i don't want ds to learn either pattern.

had a lovely time away but abuse and nonsense has predictably escalated.

what they don't seem to realise is that the more vile they are the more utterly convinced i am that i am doing the best thing in keeping my son the hell away from them.

i've called and managed to get my phone number changed today so i don't have to read it anymore or hear the ridiculous voicemails.

it is hard but i'm now 100% sure i'm doing the right thing.

Glad you have coped with it by changing your number.

They really are truly vile in their behaviour towards you

Not long until you start the new job now?

start of next term random. it is actually so strange to watch all this unfold - they are so following their script and exactly how i expected them to behave and the more i don't 'be' what they determine i should be the more their anger and vileness escalates. i'm thinking it will have to burn itself out or at least reach a point where they don't try and bring it to me at some point because i'm just not feeding or giving in.

i do have the right NOT to speak to people. i do not have to respond to text messages or answer calls. i know this obviously, they don't. the outrage that i dare not to respond or take the bait or go down the guilt path laid out for me is unbelievable. they are totally utterly self absorbed and without any self awareness of their own outrageous behaviour.

my father even had the nerve to leave a message saying, 'whatever it is going on with you, which is entirely your issue and i don't want to know about it or talk about it please don't not let ds have christmas because of it. don't let him not have toys because of whatever it is you are thinking'. as if they're not there christmas won't happen or something they are fucking outrageous frankly.

WOW l have just sat and read this entire thread this afternoon.
Well done Numpty can l just say l certainly don't think your MN name does you justice. You have come across as an extremely intelligent young woman who has been given the booby prize when it comes to family.
Well done on going no contact, you and your DS do not need such obnoxious and toxic people in your lives.
Remember friends are the family we chose for ourselves
Good luck with your new job -l have the feeling that 2014 is going to be a very good year for you.

Of course what they are really saying is that you are ruining their Christmas because they want ds there!

Numpty Just read through the entire thread today. I think you are amazing and bloody well done. Your DS is lucky to have you .

And you are definitely NOT a numpty!

thank you. this obviously isn't my usual mn nickname but have stuck with it as am useless at namechanging back and forth and also didn't want to be identifiable if my sister had already sussed out who i was under my usual name on mn (she knows i post here as i explained where something i'd won came from). with it under a different name she wouldn't see it if she was searching for me.

it definitely did me good to get away and spend a good few days with a truly decent friend who loves me and wants well for me. it all helps you know? having good people around me helps me see their behaviour and condemnation of me for what it is rather than take the blame and allow myself to wonder whether i really am the awful person they've always said i am.

toxic family is making more sense to me (as an expression - i always knew what it meant obviously) as i genuinely feel quite sick and repulsed when i hear from them now and like they are.... dirty or poisonous and listening to that poison literally makes me squirm and feel like taking a bath.

i cannot believe i have put up with them and their treatment for so long.

she wouldn't be a poster on mumsnet mind, she'd have lots of sneery awful stuff to say about anyone who felt the need to post on a forum.

I think it's very hard to get away from because you are conditioned to accept this treatment basically from birth. So making a stand (even if it's just a quiet one) takes a lot of strength.

Hi NNC I've been following your thread, I see many similarities with my situation.

I went NC last christmas. After the initial decision I had a lot of doubt, but only when I hadn't heard from them for a while. Every time they tried to push themselves into my life I became more convinced I was doing the right thing.

Waiting for them to ask how you are struck a chord with me - it's been a year, and in all the ways they've tried to make contact, whether it's emails pretending nothing's happened, or explaining how awful I've made them feel and what a difficult child I was and how much they did for me, or angry voicemails demanding I had some compassion, they have not asked me a single question. Not a single question, let alone how I am feeling!

it's very telling isn't it ellipsis? other than a thing that isn't doing what it's meant to you kind of don't exist to these people itms. sorry you've had to go through this. how do you feel about it now a year on and do you have children - would like to know how they've coped if you do and how you've handled it with them.

I still have trouble with seeing it as a final decision. But I'm happy that for now, not seeing them is the best for me. I think the main thing about the future is knowing there will always be times when they, or other relatives on their behalf, are going to push it. But I go about my day to day life much happier and calmer, and it feels great not seeing them. I tell myself if there ever comes a time I want to see them, I'll re-evaluate. It hasn't happened yet, and each time I have even minimal contact from them, it reaffirms my ongoing decision.

I have children - 5 and 3, so 4 and 2 when they last saw them. My 3-year-old doesn't mention them. My 5-year-old has asked a couple of times why we don't see them any more, and I've used very similar phrases as mentioned previously. I said they upset me and make me sad so we don't see them any more. I think I'll use statements about kindness if it comes up again. Each time my stomach has churned a bit, but as with other situations, I've answered the question they've asked, without going into full on justification with too much detail, and they've been satisfied and got distracted and gone off happy.

I can't think of anything especially helpful to say but my heart goes out to those of you making the NC decision.

I have a difficult relationship with my dad's side...it's often something I've thought about.

It's very difficult at any time of year but particularly at Christmas, I think.

D'oh..something I've often thought about.

ack! note through door saying they will be dropping presents off for ds tomorrow evening and if i'm not going to answer my door i have to let them know so as not to waste their time.

flagrantly forcing me into contact either way and thinking they have the right to do so because what? they have the higher moral ground because of some plastic tat they've bought and a poor wee child can't be deprived of? also knowing damn well that ds will be here and how awful it would be to force the situation.

again totally predictable i guess.

Urgh, could you go somewhere else for the evening or invite friends to yours? I bet they wouldn't dare play up in front of non-family members?

Ignore the note if you want. This is just another ploy to engage you in contact again

Ack! can you unplug the doorbell and close the curtains/ be in the back of the house so no lights on? Not that I think you should have todo that but maybe better than being forced into contact!

They're knobbers!

hi. i discussed it with a friend and decided on sending one text from one of those online sites (re: not having to give them my number or an opportunity to send more) and simply said not to come to my house, that things put through the door would not be opened in future and that i wanted no contact.

i will be being slated so badly for all of this. there is absolutely nothing i can do about it though - i have surely learned by now that trying to explain myself or share my thoughts and feelings gets me absolutely nowhere and doesn't change a thing.

part of me can't actually believe i'm handling this and going through with it. maybe because there's been so many years of giving in and partly because i never really thought i'd have the courage and conviction to go it so alone like this.

Numpty, I'll say it again; you are doing so incredibly well!

As for being slated for all of this, wouldn't you be being slated anyway? This way at least you're being slated for something that you have chosen to do, and for something that will bring you peace.

Well done NNC, you're doing really well. About going through with it - in my experience, once that switch has been flipped, the idea of letting them back into your life to carry on just as normal is so much worse than sticking with it.

We had very similar with dc2's birthday in August. They were getting nowhere with me so started contacting DP, they demanded he bring dc2 to them so they could give her her presents, but if he didn't they would turn up at the house. They said they knew this wouldn't be a 'happy occasion' but that they didn't want me to cause a scene. At my own house! This told me all I needed to know about how much they cared about dc2 - that they would threaten to turn up on her birthday, knowing how upset and angry I would be, and apparently it would be me causing a scene, not them.

Anyway, I seriously considered calling non-emergency police line to find out if there was any way I could have them removed if they came to the house. In the end I postponed dc2's party (it was only family (ILs) coming for tea, and she was poorly anyway) and was happier that if they did turn up they wouldn't be ruining her birthday.

They didn't turn up, and eventually sent DP another message saying that they would post dc2's presents and if I acknowledged receiving them they'd leave me alone. It is a way of forcing contact but so far they've stuck to the deal. I send a one line email - your presents have arrived - and let my dcs have the presents, on the basis that they have other relatives they don't know that send them presents, and in my head I have relegated my parents to that status. It is not how I would want it, because it does cause me stress (I'm still waiting to see if they send anything for christmas, and the wait to deal with it is horrible), but it was a deal I accepted when it looked the best option. Perhaps one day I'll decide it's more contact than I want and start sending them back.

Wishing you strength. Christmas is shit for this kind of thing.

thank you so much ellipsis - i really appreciate you sharing your experiences and totally 'getting it'. it IS so stressful and it totally does take clear thinking - as in seeing that they didn't really care, or at least not properly, about your dd's birthday just about doing what they wanted. same with ds and the christmas parents - if they really cared about him having something it would have been a card with a gift voucher in that had come through my letter box - not an ultimatum re: if you don't get in touch i will come banging on your door knowing you don't want me to and knowing that ds will be there and upset by it all.

all i can hope is that this is it - as in christmas is the biggest issue and it's getting dealt with upfront and i'm setting things as i mean them to go on. if they don't get their way now they haven't got anywhere near as much ammunition, guilt and pressure to use on me at any other point itms?

if i took the presents this time then next it would be his birthday and so on. and if i gave in to a letter through my door what would be the point of having changed my phone number as they'll just start intruding that way instead.

i have to not care if they think i'm the biggest bitch in the world and just hold my ground.

i'm almost afraid to say it out loud but the next logical step i can think of (in their mad logic rather than logic proper) if they don't get their own way is social services turning up. i wouldn't put it past them yet i really, really hope they wouldn't stoop that far.

ooh christmas parents when i meant presents - some kind of freudian slip there.