How hideous is going no contact?

[NumptyNameChange]

not sure how much to write but after my sister had a hissy fit over nothing and threw me and my son out of her house in the rain without our coats (and with my keys in my coat pocket) in front of her own children (her daughter was really upset by it all) i have refused to go 'back to normal' re: forget anything ever happened yet again.

as a result i've ceased to be invited to family gatherings for over a month and no one wished me luck for an interview or asked how it went and basically i'm being punished for not playing the game/the role/etc that i am meant to.

another posters thread on here has really brought the dysfunctional dynamics of my family to life for me - they were anyway but you know how when you read it in someone else's life it's so much clearer?

anyway my role was always scapegoat and whipping boy (i'm female btw). no matter what successes i have it won't change a thing. things going well or that in any way disprove the role i've been assigned are just ignored.

i have never in my life been asked by my mother how i am or how things are going. i've never had an apology even when she has been absolutely monstrous. i'm pretty sure she is a narcissist - ticks all the boxes etc.

i have built pretty good boundaries over the years and laughingly refer to my teflon coating that lets the abuse slide off but i find myself wondering why on earth i put up with it at all or allow these people who are so keen to destroy me in my life.

could say lots more but not sure if i'll regret putting this out there. my parents are due to go away for a long spell soon, i haven't seen them for about a month despite living close by and i would actually rather not see them before they go away and rather not have my son go there as at the minute it feels really important to me for us to be together and not polluted by all the extended family madness. i suspect the pressure will come on soon or the 'you're such a bad person' trip.

i massively miss my sister's children but i no longer feel i can put up with all the shit i have to take to be in their lives. i'm tired of being painted as someone i genuinely don't even recognise and never did even as a child and having motives and intentions and actions attributed to me that bear no relation to reality. i'm sick of the crazy making of people behaving monstrously and then just lying or pretending it never happened or that i'm the crazy one and it was all my fault somehow. i'm also sick of allowing my son to be around people who don't have the most basic respect for me.

not sure what the point of this post is - maybe just to put it out there.

hi all.

just a quick check in. my parents are back in the country - i had a text from them a couple of days ago saying they were back and had something for ds and when would they see us.

i've just ignored it so far.

had a productive counselling session today where she helped me acknowledge the drip effect of all the traumas and dramas throughout my childhood and teens and we talked about how i feel for not seeing them. mostly peaceful and more self accepting and relaxed - also feeling less need to justify myself or feel on guard for being tripped up or attacked.

anyway. doubt the peace will last much longer.

Here's hoping that the peace lasts a good long time.

thank you

have my phone switched off and don't want to turn it on and see what's on there - have had it off since that last text.

blumming christmas.

turned my phone on to find a guilt trip voicemail from my father. he can't think what they are supposed to have done to merit not having their texts answered.

i feel yuk.

I got that line from my sister. "Really scratching my head trying to figure this out." It is a tactic to make you seem unreasonable. And then, if you are unreasonable, shame on you, etc, another verbal spanking.

You need to BLOCK it out. You have made your boundary. Rightly so. Anything they say is just wiggles of sound waves in the air...they will just float away and dissipate. Pay no mind to them...it is just background noise.

I found it to be a large hurdle...but eventually it is best to stop caring what they think. You are exercising your right to independent thought, and it is a healthy form of selfishness to put yourself first.

I like thinking to myself, 'And I'm wondering what I did to merit all the atrocious behaviour from you over the years. OH YEAH. NOTHING.' End.

Wait til they ask how you are. You might be waiting a while.

i'd be waiting till a cold day in hell facedirection.

it is immediately all about them - i don't answer one text so they call and it goes straight to voicemail and leave that poor them message. doesn't occur hmm maybe she's busy, maybe her phone's broken, etc. they've been back three days and have no idea if i'm well, ill, busy, away on holiday etc. their response is abnormal in itself.

how am i? ha! would have loved to have been asked that now and then as a kid or to have any interest in me shown whatsoever.

Hugs Numpty, very glad my family are 275 miles away!

thanks random.

i'm determinedly keeping my phone switched off. strategy for now is just to ignore and block out and deal with whatever comes next when it comes. i genuinely cannot be arsed with it and there's no way anything i could say or do would make things 'ok' or turn them into sane normal people so for now i'm doing nothing, just ignoring.

for all they know my phone is broken anyway - well actually that's bollocks and me buying into my dad's, 'can't imagine what we've done to merit this', nonsense. he does know - i told him when he was here last trying to force contact that i was done with spending time with or being around people who were incapable of wishing me well or giving a damn about me. he's just playing to script and ignoring that ever happened. they sent texts from holiday as if it never happened and have assumed they'll come back and get to act as if nothing happened. i'm suppose to join in and pretend also, which i haven't, so now they're what? saying 'i don't know what could possibly have happened' when they do know full well in the assumption i'll what? pretend along? assume i'm mad/silly/pathetic and feel ashamed and slip back into role? or they genuinely disturbed enough that they really believe their own denial?

bloody nutty people!

Sadly I think they believe their own denial. Because fundamentally nothing you say matters (to them) so how could what you said earlier matter? Sorry - am not trying to be harsh, and of course what you say SHOULD matter to your own family, but to the truly self-absobed it simply doesn't matter and if it doesn't fit their version of events they sweep it aside.

Numpty, I just want to say how impressed I am with you. I'd have caved and done some pathetic apologising explanation. You've seen right through it. Kudos.

I think that refusing any contact apart from to respond to 'How are you?' is a brilliant strategy.

sadly i think you're right facedirectionoftravel. there is no chance of any self reflection or acknowledgment of their own part in anything - it just does not and will not happen. it is total self absorption isn't it? i matter so little, other than as something to be manipulated to get to what they really want, that they quite possibly don't acknowledge anything i say or from my point of view. it is baffling, even after years of it, but it's like they actually believe their own lies by sheer will power - as in that twisted will is more vital than reality or something.

looking - nothing impressive here i assure you. just hiding and ignoring at the minute.

But hiding and ignoring is exactly what you're meant to be doing! And the temptation to have it out with them is overwhelming (I know), so not doing that and hiding and ignoring is really brilliant!

Give yourself a big hug and a slap on the back.

Seriously; you need to start complimenting yourself and caring for yourself, because there's an aching void where those compliments and care are supposed to be. So love yourself, and say 'actually, I am bloody brilliant for preventing yet another row where I'd be in the wrong. I did that.'

To be fair, I missed my neices and nephews a lot and grieved for that loss. They are adults now so it's not so bad.

I am also concerned that they will enmesh your son in this dynamic, actually. Later, when it really counts, and when he starts to form his own judgements about people, they might just manage to say, 'But, why is she so horrible to us?' and convince him that they are right and you are wrong.

Went NC with toxic father and stepmother about 18 months ago. It was hard at first and I felt like a "bad daughter", but had some counselling for a while which allowed me to see that it was the right thing to do. There may come a time when I want to get back in contact but it seems very unlikely from where I am now. To be honest after the initial feelings of guilt I felt like a great weight had been lifted and I was finally free to be myself. Ian. I a. Much better place now than I have ever been and a lot of this is due to cutting those people out of my life. So in answer to your thread title, not hideous. Not easy, but sometimes the right thing to do.

thank you for sharing that springy and i'm sorry to hear the trouble it has caused in your relationship with your children.

face - yes me too and on that front it feels rock and a hard place because they can do that even if i cut contact completely and perhaps then even more effectively if when ds is older he chooses to start seeing him and they shower him with gifts or money or goldeness you know? and without having seen the reality of what they're really like or how they treat me with me there to help him see it for what it is.

rabbit - it's only been a few months since spending time with them and just over a month that i haven't seen them at all but i know what you mean about feeling better. i was trying to explain to my counsellor how much more.... ok with myself i feel already.

anyway if we can make it through today without any unexpected visitors that's another week dealt with.

went and signed the contract for the new job today. all set to start in january.

need to focus on me and ds and the future.

Huzzah for new job, Numpty! What a lovely new beginning!

Congratulations Numpty. Does it involve relocation? Or is this the one that involves staying put?

thanks.

staying put face but may open doors to relocation if i want to because it gets me back in my old profession with up to date experience and i could look for posts elsewhere potentially.

nothing since that last voicemail and that was 8 days ago finding it really useful that i've started seeing a counsellor so i can talk it through with her.

on monday we're off to visit a friend overseas and get back e/o the 20th.

i've 'decided' actually i don't want middle ways or compromises or oh well at least it is on my terms - i just do not want to see them at all and i now all the 'prices' and i'm willing to pay them.

i'm happier, calmer, less self doubting, not brewing with resentment or anger or hurt or confusion over the latest drama or shitty treatment, i'm not dreading christmas for once and i feel in control of my life. all that is good stuff and i should hang on to it.

not sure of the point of this thread - i still need support and help and to feel that someone 'gets it' and believes me and can encourage me to do this rather than give me the usual social pressures of oh but they're your family and you should/could/must ya da ya da.

thank you again for all the help on here.

great news, glad it's going well. Be prepared that at some point there may be a huge emotional guilt drip but remember how wonderful you feel now - it is worth it and it is in your ds best interests.

NNC it is great to hear you sounding so positive.

Family is just a concept. Dysfunction is dysfunction. As someone said upthread, we don't need to let people treat us badly.

Hope you have a great trip and lovely Christmas that you can enjoy your way.