not sure how much to write but after my sister had a hissy fit over nothing and threw me and my son out of her house in the rain without our coats (and with my keys in my coat pocket) in front of her own children (her daughter was really upset by it all) i have refused to go 'back to normal' re: forget anything ever happened yet again.
as a result i've ceased to be invited to family gatherings for over a month and no one wished me luck for an interview or asked how it went and basically i'm being punished for not playing the game/the role/etc that i am meant to.
another posters thread on here has really brought the dysfunctional dynamics of my family to life for me - they were anyway but you know how when you read it in someone else's life it's so much clearer?
anyway my role was always scapegoat and whipping boy (i'm female btw). no matter what successes i have it won't change a thing. things going well or that in any way disprove the role i've been assigned are just ignored.
i have never in my life been asked by my mother how i am or how things are going. i've never had an apology even when she has been absolutely monstrous. i'm pretty sure she is a narcissist - ticks all the boxes etc.
i have built pretty good boundaries over the years and laughingly refer to my teflon coating that lets the abuse slide off but i find myself wondering why on earth i put up with it at all or allow these people who are so keen to destroy me in my life.
could say lots more but not sure if i'll regret putting this out there. my parents are due to go away for a long spell soon, i haven't seen them for about a month despite living close by and i would actually rather not see them before they go away and rather not have my son go there as at the minute it feels really important to me for us to be together and not polluted by all the extended family madness. i suspect the pressure will come on soon or the 'you're such a bad person' trip.
i massively miss my sister's children but i no longer feel i can put up with all the shit i have to take to be in their lives. i'm tired of being painted as someone i genuinely don't even recognise and never did even as a child and having motives and intentions and actions attributed to me that bear no relation to reality. i'm sick of the crazy making of people behaving monstrously and then just lying or pretending it never happened or that i'm the crazy one and it was all my fault somehow. i'm also sick of allowing my son to be around people who don't have the most basic respect for me.
not sure what the point of this post is - maybe just to put it out there.
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How hideous is going no contact?
NumptyNameChange · 28/10/2013 15:08
hello - checking in 
saw a member of my family for the first time in months the other day due to my dog doing a runner out of the garden and disappearing and turning up at my parents house which of course gave them the reason to come knocking on my door and left me no choice.
it was my dad and he milked the opportunity for yet more of the, "i don't know what it is you think we've done to deserve this and i don't want to know but i wish you could just drop it for ds's sake". ds was stood right there at the time and i asked, "how is it for ds's sake?" and he said without a flinch, "because the poor lad needs a family" to which i replied, "he's got one thanks". he then went and got the dog and brought her back and i said thank you, won't happen again, goodbye and he said, 'we've no way of getting in touch with you you know?' and i said, 'yes i know!'.
no processing has gone on obviously. still that implicit, 'i refuse to examine our part in this or even identify the possibility that we might have ever done anything wrong at all and i do not want to hear you tell us what is wrong or why you are doing this, we just want you to stop it and go back to pretending so we can have our own way'. it's tragic really! what kind of sickness of mind or soul do you have to have to be that.... rigid and unreflective? mostly i just felt angry afterwards.
i had a long chat with ds to check he was ok and he absolutely was. he has no qualms about not seeing them now and seemed to see the whole, 'oh it's so good to see you little man, give your grandad a kiss' type act for what it was. one statement he came out with when we were chatting was, 'what do they know about being parents anyway? you shouldn't listen to anything they say.'.
he also made the leap on his own to figuring that maybe grannies mum had been just like her and maybe her mum and her mum and how aunty has 'got it too'. i was gobsmacked by how emotionally smart he is. from there we had a lovely conversation about how we were the end of all that and wouldn't pass it on or be around it.
him turning up has unsettled me but absolutely confirmed for me that i've done the right thing. the arrogance and willful blindness is so characteristic and this man has been playing ostrich my whole life. he was willfully blind to the misery inflicted on me as a child and he will remain willfully blind to the end because essentially he is selfish and weak. it's not a rolemodel my son needs.
sorry for outpour and sorry if i sound like a hard hearted bitch but i really, really never want to hear that poor me, poor me, i've done nothing wrong but i'm willing to pretend this never happened if you stop it crap ever again.
i'm glad you feel the same ellipsis! on a selfish note it encourages me to lean into it and trust it a bit rather than see it as a delusional patch or me justifying myself or rationalising itms?? that is really how it feels for me.
my guess with the presents would be that that was their last little bit of 'power' to battle you with then they found it didn't actually achieve anything for them or get you to engage with them further or feel you 'owed' them anything so then it became pointless to send them. what do you think? kind of makes sense. as in it was never about wanting the children to have presents really but about still having a hold or a stick or some excuse to get in there but then when they realised that weapon had no teeth they didn't bother.
MCD - peace and happiness to you too. not selfish to protect yourself, i wish you a peaceful pregnancy and lots of peace and space.
it's a new moon and new year tomorrow oh and i start a new job next week. everything is very new chapter-ish.
Hi NNC, it's great to read your post.
I love this bit: i feel.... freer and more myself and free to be myself without external criticism and pressure and misinterpretation and like by removing the external sources i'm freeing up the space and energy to massively lessen the internal reflections of all that pressure and self doubt and second guessing
I feel exactly the same 
My mum didn't send any presents for my dc in the end. I wasted a bit of time worrying when they were going to come and whether they'd been lost in the post, meaning according to the 'deal' they would be within their rights to hassle me again, but I haven't heard anything so I guess they're not going to bother any more. My mind wanders a little bit towards trying to work out if they're playing games, but after a year of not seeing them I simply don't know enough of what's going on with them to second guess it all, and I realise I don't care either way. It is very freeing :)
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