not sure how much to write but after my sister had a hissy fit over nothing and threw me and my son out of her house in the rain without our coats (and with my keys in my coat pocket) in front of her own children (her daughter was really upset by it all) i have refused to go 'back to normal' re: forget anything ever happened yet again.
as a result i've ceased to be invited to family gatherings for over a month and no one wished me luck for an interview or asked how it went and basically i'm being punished for not playing the game/the role/etc that i am meant to.
another posters thread on here has really brought the dysfunctional dynamics of my family to life for me - they were anyway but you know how when you read it in someone else's life it's so much clearer?
anyway my role was always scapegoat and whipping boy (i'm female btw). no matter what successes i have it won't change a thing. things going well or that in any way disprove the role i've been assigned are just ignored.
i have never in my life been asked by my mother how i am or how things are going. i've never had an apology even when she has been absolutely monstrous. i'm pretty sure she is a narcissist - ticks all the boxes etc.
i have built pretty good boundaries over the years and laughingly refer to my teflon coating that lets the abuse slide off but i find myself wondering why on earth i put up with it at all or allow these people who are so keen to destroy me in my life.
could say lots more but not sure if i'll regret putting this out there. my parents are due to go away for a long spell soon, i haven't seen them for about a month despite living close by and i would actually rather not see them before they go away and rather not have my son go there as at the minute it feels really important to me for us to be together and not polluted by all the extended family madness. i suspect the pressure will come on soon or the 'you're such a bad person' trip.
i massively miss my sister's children but i no longer feel i can put up with all the shit i have to take to be in their lives. i'm tired of being painted as someone i genuinely don't even recognise and never did even as a child and having motives and intentions and actions attributed to me that bear no relation to reality. i'm sick of the crazy making of people behaving monstrously and then just lying or pretending it never happened or that i'm the crazy one and it was all my fault somehow. i'm also sick of allowing my son to be around people who don't have the most basic respect for me.
not sure what the point of this post is - maybe just to put it out there.
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How hideous is going no contact?
NumptyNameChange · 28/10/2013 15:08
Just checked in and wow! So proud of you. You are spot on with everything you say. As long as the things they consider 'punishment' don't matter to you, they have no power. 
Not being invited to Sunday lunch where you would be treated like shit? sounds good to me.
Oh, dear me, Christmas. Such a tricky thing.
Of course it is perfectly fine to do whatever you like for Christmas. And if you want to appear ultra reasonable you can always say, 'we are making our own plans THIS YEAR'. No biggie. One year. Whatever.
You could plan a trip away if you have the money? Or get together with friends? Or you could just plan out a wonderful day just how DS wants it - pizza for Christmas lunch.
ahhhhh Numpty! Reading your posts i find your situation very similar to mine
I went NC with my elder sister coming on about a year now. Before that i minimised contact with her but she didn't change her attitude towards me and now i've accepted that she probably never will. She is a classic narc and always has been, i just didn't know any different back then and allowed her to treat me badly and make me feel bad about myself.
In my humble opinion, it is highly unlikely your sister will ever admit what she did was atrocious and totally out of order let alone take steps to rectify it, and your family will never allow you to discuss this in their presence nor do anything to support you in either sorting it out or making sure that you are treated with respect (by them or others) when you're under their roof. They are all in denial, as far as they are concerned you are the "outsider" and therefore they will always close ranks against you.
i found that you need to feel confident in yourself that you have given all you have to give (emotionally,mentally and physically) before you can feel strong about going NC and not allowing yourself to feel guilty. This is where the "enough is enough" thinking comes in. I think you've reached this point and now you just need to teach yourself not to feel guilty when they try and use your child as emotional blackmail (because that's exactly what they are doing).
Congratulations on how you dealt with your father! One thing to be wary of is getting sucked in to either explaining why you're keeping your distance from them or trying to get them to understand their own behavior/attitude. As you've seen, when you try to get them to look at their own behavior or lack of interest in your life (re the interview etc) they go into denial mode. They turn it around and try to make you feel that it is you who is in the "wrong" yet again! They will never respond the way you'd like them to so you just need to accept that and not "want" or "expect" anything from them again. That way it makes it easier for you to find the strength to only accept positive behavior/attitude from them.
Your son may be upset at not getting lots of presents for now, but in time he will understand that you come as a family unit/package and they cannot divide and conquer via emotional blackmail and bribery. I know you feel bad about it but ask yourself how they can ever treat your child with the respect and love he deserves when they cannot give that to his mum- their own flesh and blood?! Standing your ground with strength and dignity will also show your niece that not only do you understand her situation but that also there is a way of putting a stop to it/refusing to let it affect your life in a negative way. Keep in contact with her because you may be her "safe" place and the only one who can really understand her and see her through this until she is old enough to break free of them.
baytree is spot on with her advice. i wish i'd had someone to give me that advice years ago because it was only once i realised it for myself a couple of years ago that i started nurturing the inner child in me and now i feel so much stronger in that my self esteem has improved a hell of a lot and i am more confident in trusting my own self and my instincts and refusing to accept negative behavior/attitude form others. It will also help you become aware of your own self worth and recognise just how much you have achieved in spite of not having access to the normal support networks most people have growing up. i mean, we could have easily turned into bitter/negative people or become addicted to alcohol/drugs etc as a way of coping with all the crap we've had to endure ....but we didn't, and you need to feel proud of the person you are today.
Stay strong and be happy!
thank you - that was a lovely post.
it sounds so trite but i did find myself yesterday saying out loud, 'well i'll stick up for you and i'll protect you' presumably to the child in me that never got that from anyone else 
as to christmas well i'm going to try and create our own low key fun stuff to do that is about us and what we enjoy. i actually have a bit of a loathing of big 'occasions' finding them really stressful. obviously due to the stress and strain of having to plaster a smile on your face and play your part in the performance whilst you can feel all the tensions and horribleness bubbling under the surface threatening to come flying out from one or more parties present. i also find it deeply uncomfortable receiving gifts from people who can't give me the most basic things i ever needed yet can lavish gifts for a special ocassion if that makes sense and doesn't sound horribly ungrateful?
i guess that goes back to the pay offs my dad used to give me that somehow were meant to compensate for not standing up for me or sticking his neck out - that secretive telling me he's on my side really and stuffing a tenner in my teenage hand. my sister does massive overspend which makes me uncomfortable and used to make me embarrassed that i didn't have as much to spend till i decided actually that was fine and small thoughtful gifts mean more to me and most people than a show of money. i also hate the way she'll try and outshine my gifts to my son by buying him a ton of overpriced stuff - it just seems like really bad manners to me like wearing white at a wedding or something.
sure when old enough he might see these things for what they are but for a small child all those gifts are soooo enticing and god knows how they're going to be used as bait this year. i guess i'll have to pre-empt that by maybe allowing them an hour on christmas eve when they can bring his presents over and put them under the tree here. that would NEVER be allowed usually as he'd have to open them there, in their presence and have it decided which ones he was actually allowed to take home and what had to stay there - though he's started wising up to that nonsense already and being pretty forceful about wanting to take things HOME so he can play with them and voicing his confusion as to why they'd give him something then refuse to let him take it to his own home. very typical i know.
god this is a long waffle isn't it?
the memories that are springing to mind today are of hellish christmas' having to smile and be grateful to people who a day before were laying into you emotionally, after maybe months of a hellish period of drama and abuse, but knowing you have to smile and perform even when they start sniping and digging at each other and you or it's all going to come lashing out at you.
my mother was mostly the ignoring kind and my defense was mostly to be as invisible as humanly possible. think this is where in times of stress or upset or difficulty my instinct is to isolate and hibernate. whereas danger or hurt makes some people run to others and seek support i go underground as the safest bet. i've been working on that for a while though and started trusting the odd friend on more than a superficial level and practised asking for help with stuff. i started seeing a counsellor not long ago but it got interupted by life stuff - i will resume seeing her and use our sessions to focus on this stuff.
i had been reluctant to drag over the past again as i 'get it' already and dragging over it has never helped and i'd learnt to deal with it by having boundaries and limited contact etc. now though it feels like this is a closing a door and moving forward type moment and so revisiting it all will probably have a more significant value iyswim.
way too long a post - thanks to anyone who managed to read all this self indulgent waffle!
either i'm becoming a heartless selfish bitch or i'm finally just sticking up for myself and putting myself first 
it's so weird that the breaking point was my sister's awful behaviour being the final straw with her (ok that bit is not so odd) but then my parents not even having it in them to wish me luck for a job interview - that's such a small thing compared to things done to me over the years.
i think part of it was the contrast i was given by a close friend who despite really hating the idea of me moving away genuinely, genuinely wanted me to get the job because it would be good for me ! i could see she really didn't want me to move away but she also really wanted me to get it for my sake. normal people are capable of that! ones own parents should be capable of it. and somewhere in me some self respect has crept up that allows me to think actually i deserve that kind of care and consideration for me and my needs.
Well done! Also, tantrums about toys will fade quite quickly (kids are fickle) but you always remember long term stress from toxic family. Your DS might not seem to notice much of it yet but he'd notice more and more each year.
Keep applying for distant jobs!
thanks.
have just chatted things through with a friend on the phone working out worst case scenarios of what they will do to me.
the one thing she has over me is my son. she can slate me to extended family members and that has no effect because i gave up on those relationships years ago knowing that she would have poisoned opinion and played them and there'd be nothing i could do to change it and also through knowing none of them had ever stuck up for me or seen through her or whatever. i've given up on keeping my dad in my life knowing that he would do anything for a quiet life and my sister is totally in it with her. so basically no cards to play there.
the worst case scenario i can think of is her trying to get my son taken away. i can sadly imagine her calling ss and trying to make out i was an incompetent mother and being arrogant enough to think that her saying i had mental health problems would be enough. i've thought it through and realistically ss would see through it - they'd check with my doc who would say i was honest, cooperative and proactive with my health issues, they'd check with schools and ds's health records and find zero cause for concern and they'd come look at my house and see yes, i am less than the perfect housekeeper but there are toys, food, bed, washing facilities, books etc and nothing to cause concern.
that's the 'biggest' she could go imo and i've rationally thought it through and realised it would get her nowhere.
HA! got interupted by my dad at the door with a cake that is ds's favourite that they've realised will go out of date whilst they're away 
also my key that asked to have back saying that i'll need to leave it with someone who is around (no good it being at there's whilst htey're away) but obviously really about not wanting them to have a key to my house full stop. tried to engage me in conversation about what's going on despite me saying not in front of ds, not appropriate etc and got some 'don't know what you've got into your head' malarchy but just smiled and stonewalled and got rid.
ffs.
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