is anyone interested in an alchohol-free / addiction thread?

[youretoastmildred]

My name is youretoastmildred, and I am an alcoholic.

I am 42 days alcohol free.
have been a problem drinker for a long time and have often convinced myself that moderate drinking will be fine. It never stays moderate.
In this 42 days there have been certain key people that I have not had to see. I have 2 events coming up with them that will be massive triggers and I am looking for support (and very very willing to offer what support I can to anyone else)

I have lurked on Brave Babes and it seems to be a thread of successfully moderate drinkers, and alcoholics who can't / don't actually stop. (The poster who started those threads by stopping completely isn't there: I also remember some 12 step nondrinkers from the early days who don't seem to be there any more. There are a lot of posts by people enumerating what they are having or will have and whether or not this is ok but I don't see much actual NOT DRINKING EVER which is what I need to do)

By contrast, the AA meeting that I attend, while it will always have a couple of people back after a relapse, is mostly packed with people with months and years sober.

Is anyone interested in an actual not-drinking or beating other addictions thread? I am NOT saying I am not interested in talking to those who relapse. I am saying that I DO want to talk to people who aim to stop drinking.

any takers?

I am going to be honest here and say I am still completely unsure if I can do it. I so so so so want to. I know I can but I need help to get rid of that stupid little voice in my head, that says 'gawannnn, you deserve a few, it's not like you were when you were younger is it~? You're not drinking first thing like you used to! You run, you don't smoke, so what if you have too much tonight - start again next week'. That bloody person in my head always always gets me - after 8 months, 2 months, a week. I need help to make that stop.

And what to drink instead? Pathetic excuse I know but honestly??

I am interests in what you've said about your family party Mildred, it sounds like it's causing you a bit of anxiety. I wonder if there is a way you can frame your not drinking that will help like saying its a health thing or whatever? I'm lucky that my parents were very supportive in my journey (my dad died last year - and I didn't drink, or want to) so it has not been an issue. I think trying to put it off and deal with it when it actually happens is a sensible strategy - deal with each day as it comes. You have the right to just not drink though and whatever they make of that is their stuff not yours though. If I have to go into a drinking situation and I'm unsure I have an exit strategy worked out and give myself permission, in advance to leave if I need to - if in doubt, get out is what I was told and it helps me to have that in mind.

Hello cj :)

It's my sobriety date this week - 3 years free!

Personally I drink fizzy water mainly, I don't drink alcohol free stuff or even drink out of wine glasses. I don't want to 'pretend' to drink because why would I want to pretend to do something that made me ill and unhappy? For me it would be a continuation if the old lie that alcohol had anything positive to offer me and that's an illusion for me, one that needs to be smashed.

I suppose the answer is drink whatever you fancy - just not alcohol!

For me the idea if 'deserving a few' is based on a lie too, alcohol isn't a treat for me - it makes me miserable, fairly quickly. One way to deal with that voice is to share that you're feeling it with someone and also to put it off till tomorrow and see if it feels the same. I've never woken up wishing if had a drink the night before and each time I felt like that and didn't drink it was easier the next time.
I would share that stuff in meetings but since you don't want to do that perhaps you could try sharing it here?

Sorry - a flood of posts!

It is a complete lie isn't it!! The way I feel after a 'session' as they call it, what a waste of time and money. grrrrr. I Always feel so proud when I haven't succumbed.

And three years!!! go you

hi CJ. Great track record! I hope you can share some tips with newbies like me. Please!

And you too Enid. Thanks for the ones already in this thread. I do appreciate you chatting about my family.

This weekend I am having my parents to stay, it is not a party. I will offer them drinks and they will accept and at some point in the evening they will notice that I am not drinking (certainly at the dinner table if not before) and they will make a HUGE palaver out of it because THEY WILL CONSIDER IT BAD FORM THAT THEY ARE DRINKING WHILE THEIR HOSTESS ISN'T and it will drive me NUTS because it will be the 10 billionth example of their sticklership for "good manners" making other people (me) very uncomfortable WHEN THE WHOLE POINT OF MANNERS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING OTHER PEOPLE FEEL COMFORTABLE. I will make some excuse and look shifty and awkward and it will be horrible. (You will note that, in theory, all this could be got around by my not offering them booze but that would very definitely not be ok)

In a few weeks it is a big family party at which I hope, with mingling, and less formal eating, no individual person need necessarily notice that I have not had a single drink. However as my dad is very proud of his cellar, and as I am usually glued to a glass of red, that seems like a pretty forlorn hope, especially as the awkwardness coming up this weekend will have tipped them off for something to watch for.

So I have to decide whether I am going to tell a lie (not antibiotics, my dad is a medic and is always telling everyone the antibiotics thing is guff); try to say nothing, except "no thank you" and hope that that will do; or - what?

MrMeanour, do you mean you don't want to give up, or you don't think you can? Or a bit of both?

I turn my back for 7 hrs and you're up to 111 messages!
I like the 'understandings' or ground rules. Here they are again, to save scrolling up:

"- for people who intend to stop drinking. Completely. Not a support group for those attempting moderate drinking. (though I accept in principle that after a period of abstinence you may progress to that, I don't want to hear about it and will find it triggering)

• not for relations or family of alcoholics.
• support the person, but not necessarily the behaviour. If a person comes on here after drinking with a renewed intention to stop, we support the person, and the intention to stop, but not the drinking.
• I suspect there will be an emphasis on the experience of women and mothers on this thread. I am fine with that, and this is where I am coming from, but other voices and other experiences are very welcome.
• authenticity in communication. Upthread someone expressed an opinion about my relationship. I don't agree with what they said but I am fine with the person saying it. I am prepared to be questioned on anything and even be criticised on anything, and I hope that we can establish a dynamic where we can talk honestly but kindly and even with love. I do not want to be staring at weeks of posts by a poster and thinking "It's her husband!" or "it's her diet!" or "it's her job!" and feel like I am not allowed to say it. I might be wrong of course. But let's establish that it's ok to say "sweetie, are you sure it is a good idea to do x, y, z which really don't seem to be working for you?"
• confidentiality. If anyone mistakenly says anything "outing", don't take advantage of it, and alert the poster to it discreetly."

I see abstinence as the goal, and I too imagine a few days in I really wouldn't want to be reading details of other people's 'lapses'. I think in a couple more days I am going to be rather fragile and be looking more for invitations to drink and get that from other's drinking reports. The house is booze and bottle-free, my body is alcohol free and my mind needs to catch up with them.

Loveday is an old Cornish name, from a time before we had a judicial system, and one one day a month the villagers who had a dispute with other villagers would meet in the square and resolve issues in front of village elders. This was called the Loveday, and any child boy or girl born on that day was entitled to be called Loveday.

mildred - I'd think a lie is okay. Would there be a problem with just saying you have quite an upset stomach that day and don't want to mess it up further with alcohol? Even if that elicited a response then surely an explanation of "you wouldn't wish me to be iller would you?".

Or is that too simple and naive of me?

I'm feeling pretty cool about explaining things to be alcohol-expectant friend this evening. I dont know what form of words to use yet, but I'll think of something.

Oh thanks that is really interesting! When were Lovedays held, and when did they stop?

I've decided I'm not drinking or pretending to at my brothers wedding day after tomorrow. Also at family meal tomorrow night.

If anyone asks I'm saying "I'm not drinking alcohol right now" and that's it.

Some will think I'm pregnant, but I'm post-menopause early (I'm 42). II don't care. Their disapproval can't make me drink!

I'm not sure at all about the detail (I guess it was in Norman times when courts began to be set up) but I knew of a Loveday years ago and found it enchanting. It still is mainly Cornish and almost solely girls and has died out massively. I wanted to call dd Loveday but was over ruled 1-1.

Weegie - it sounds like a plan, and worth sticking to. For me I didn;t expect to be having to have 'a conversation' with anyone on my Day 1, but I will. The more I have thought about it in the course of today the more I am seeing it as the priority right now and it will take centre stage with no interruption.

Hey all - may I join you? I've just read this thread with interest. I have lurked on the brave babes thread and didn't quite feel at home there, for the reasons others have given here. I find it hard to reach a level of acceptance for relapse and the constant struggle to drink moderately or to control levels of drinking. As far as I'm concerned, if I have to try to control it, then it's already controlling me. If I get into a direct confrontation with booze, there's only ever going to be one winner so I don't bother to engage.

I have been alcohol and drug free for nearly 11 years, with the help of a treatment centre, AA, and the support of friends and family. I didn't like AA to start with, but it was compulsory in the treatment centre I was in, and I didn't have any choice. One of the best pieces of advice I got in the early days was 'take what you want and leave the rest'. I do like the principles of AA, I have no issue with a 'higher power' whether that takes the form of a god, the spirit of the universe or a group of recovering alkies, but I know it doesn't suit some, and I'm sorry that people have had bad experiences. As my sponsor says, a roomful of sober arseholes is still a roomful of arseholes - so I take the bits I like and ignore the bits I don't.

Thankyou Mildred for starting this thread. I hope I can help support others in their journey as I have been helped (and still need help).

I'm really happy my wee brother is marrying - I love my sil to be.

But - I can't let it bother my sobriety.

If I don't go out to the shops (and I can't, dc are home) then I'm coming up 19 days. I'm not letting a family wedding derail me. I'm NOT!!

Wow 11 yrs Daisy, and here's me on less than 11 hrs.
My reasoning is though that in order for me to land on my likely-to-be-uncomfortable Day 3, I have to get Days 1 and 2 under my belt. I am trying Mindfulness but I need more practice.

Loveday - no, you don't need days 1 and 2, you just need now. You've done 11 hours, that's brilliant and amazing, you can do another hour. And if you can't, do another 10 minutes. Or another minute. You know you can.

When I was in treatment, my next-door neighbour on the ward (a verrrrry attractive coke-head) used to plan our escape, and fantasise about taking a taxi up to soho and getting off our faces. We'd promise ourselves we'd do it, we'd definitely do it, but we'd do it tomorrow. It became a game that we played. And it worked. Sometimes I'm still going to do it tomorrow. I just have to get through today first.

I see.

Thursday is just going to be Thursday. Like this evening will be just this evening, when I won't be drinking through a definite choice I'm making. Just like the next 30 mins.

Isn't it awful that we feel we have to give excuses to people for not wanting to poison ourselves ? For that is what it must be to people like us, poison :( When I say I'm scared i can't - it's not that i don't want to - I'm scared i will weaken - which is stupid really, have proved I don't have to before for ages :( I will stay close to here and jump in at moments of thinking about it Just had a brief run - haven't done it for nearly a week and only managed 20 mins. Oh well. ooh dinner - back soon

Hi all, my name's Newbie, and I'm an alcoholic.

Nearly 3 years sober, doing it with the help of AA. I am lucky to live somewhere with tons of meetings, so I can choose which ones suit me. Sorry some of you have had bad experiences.

I so agree with Daisy that a room full of sober arseholes is still a room full of arseholes though. As far as the whole 'higher power' thing goes- I look at it as '2 heads are better than 1'. I couldn't, COULDN'T stop drinking (and more to the point, STAY stopped), by myself, but with other people to help me, so far, I have. In my experience those who try and 'go it alone' tend to fall off the wagon sooner or later.

That's not to say that only AA works, but the power of some sort of 'WE' is huge.

I work on:
-don't drink
-go to meetings
-don't be an arsehole.

And I kind of let the rest wash over me a bit.

Great thread.

Hi Newbie!
Hi Daisy!

Great people on here to learn from. Glad to see you all.

[gross generalisation alert] I think people in the US would think it very rude to hector a person about having a soft drink. I think it would be considered outrageously personal to say "why on earth are you drinking orange juice?"

Oh, and never mind 'a day at a time', sometimes it's 10 minutes at a time.

Don't drink today, get hammered tomorrow. That got me through many a tough time in the beginning. Still does TBH.

I do think that we need to re-learn normal drinking habits. I have known people who would sit in a pub for four hours and drink six pints of orange juice and soda. I mean, really? I used to fret and fret about what I could drink, what I could say to people, how to deflect questions... In fact I used to think that AA was a training centre or behaviour modification programme to learn this sort of stuff.

Actually I think people care less than you'd think - mostly they're more interested in themselves than in us. I used to surround myself with other drinkers so I thought that no-one, but NO-ONE, drank in moderation or even - god forbid - not at all. I've realised that isn't actually the case . Most people don't give a flying fuck what anyone else is drinking. Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind (I do love a good AA slogan).

I choose not to tell people anything, on the whole, and I've found that hardly anyone probes closely. If they do, I get the feeling it's because they're worried that they might have a drink problem themselves and they want to get reassurance.