is anyone interested in an alchohol-free / addiction thread?

[youretoastmildred]

My name is youretoastmildred, and I am an alcoholic.

I am 42 days alcohol free.
have been a problem drinker for a long time and have often convinced myself that moderate drinking will be fine. It never stays moderate.
In this 42 days there have been certain key people that I have not had to see. I have 2 events coming up with them that will be massive triggers and I am looking for support (and very very willing to offer what support I can to anyone else)

I have lurked on Brave Babes and it seems to be a thread of successfully moderate drinkers, and alcoholics who can't / don't actually stop. (The poster who started those threads by stopping completely isn't there: I also remember some 12 step nondrinkers from the early days who don't seem to be there any more. There are a lot of posts by people enumerating what they are having or will have and whether or not this is ok but I don't see much actual NOT DRINKING EVER which is what I need to do)

By contrast, the AA meeting that I attend, while it will always have a couple of people back after a relapse, is mostly packed with people with months and years sober.

Is anyone interested in an actual not-drinking or beating other addictions thread? I am NOT saying I am not interested in talking to those who relapse. I am saying that I DO want to talk to people who aim to stop drinking.

any takers?

. My plan is to rest when I can, work cos I have to :( and read lots of nice books at home, whilst drinking hot chocolate! dd is away for the week which is very odd ( she is only 8 and gone away with her friend - completely not missing me of course!!) ds is old enough to get on with things and dh is just a bumbler who will leave me alone and occasionally let me shout and get upset

You didn't come across as aggressive or pushy at all mr it sounds like you had a bad experience at aa and I'm sure you have totally valid reasons for your aversion. It's a broad highway, I'm sure there's room for all of us :) I'm delighted to have the opportunity to journey together in a supportive way. Those very early days are hard and having a space to share what's going on, whatever form that space takes, is bound to be helpful I think :)

Cross posted with you!

That sounds rubbish for you, I don't have experience of living in a smaller place where it's the same folk at all the meetings and I'm not sure I would like it that much tbh. Where I live there is over 400 as meetings a week to choose from and 40 ca meetings! Easy to body swerve anyone that gets on your tits! Some people are sicker than others as they say.

I didn't get on with aa either - it was all a bit worthy for me (which sounds a bit odd coming from me, I'm a Christian, I went to bible college, I'm preaching at my church this weekend!!)

The changes in me and my drinking have come via individual therapy, I see a fantastic clinical psychologist on the nhs! With my bpd I was assessed as not suitable for group therapy (the usual treatment!) - my Gran always said I was "thrawn" (great scottish word which basically means you're a stubborn pita!).

Going for day 19 today! Just about to start work at 10, I'm a family literacy tutor (and project coordinator), so I'm going to be reading "Green Eggs and Ham" with a bunch of young mums and babies aged about 12-16 months. Today it's all about using rhythm and rhyme which children love.

I do not need to drink today!

Glad I've found this thread. I'm currently working on only having 1 drink a week. This is the longest I've ever gone and the most controlled I've been about drinking for.....well, ever.

As background, my father is a functioning alcoholic. My mother hates it but gets nowhere with him. He doesn't fall over drunk and is quite genial but it will probably kill him

I have been drinking from the age of 12. I looked quite old as a teen so got served what I wanted. Regularly falling over drunk. Most of you said you didn't want to be the drunk girl at the party? Well, that was me.

Left home at 17 and lived in a society that was off grid. Let's just say alcohol was the tamest of things that could be consumed. I was still the drink girl at the party, except I was planning and running those parties too.

Got pregnant with DD in my 30s and split with an emotionally/physically abusive xdp who thankfully, is not in contact with us.

So now I am that functioning alcoholic again, just functioning a bit more than I used to I suppose. Before I had DD I came close to losing my job, home and family and it didn't really do anything. I just got better at hiding it all.

I'm not making excuses to go into the local shop and oops, how did that bottle of wine get in my basket, oh well I'll get it now so one day a week Is good enough for me

Good morning, great to see you all.

sorry to hear some of you had bad experiences with AA. I totally identify with struggling with established "top dogs". I also think that the emphasis on humility and fellowship can leave you open to exploitation by bad eggs, esp when vulnerable. I haven't experienced any of this by the way, but I am only dipping my toe in, so we'll see how it goes.

Anyway without wanting to be bossy, and in the spirit of just getting it all out there as suggestions and letting people say whether they agree or not, here is how I would like this thread to be:

• for people who intend to stop drinking. Completely. Not a support group for those attempting moderate drinking. (though I accept in principle that after a period of abstinence you may progress to that, I don't want to hear about it and will find it triggering)

• not for relations or family of alcoholics.

• support the person, but not necessarily the behaviour. If a person comes on here after drinking with a renewed intention to stop, we support the person, and the intention to stop, but not the drinking.

• I suspect there will be an emphasis on the experience of women and mothers on this thread. I am fine with that, and this is where I am coming from, but other voices and other experiences are very welcome.

• authenticity in communication. Upthread someone expressed an opinion about my relationship. I don't agree with what they said but I am fine with the person saying it. I am prepared to be questioned on anything and even be criticised on anything, and I hope that we can establish a dynamic where we can talk honestly but kindly and even with love. I do not want to be staring at weeks of posts by a poster and thinking "It's her husband!" or "it's her diet!" or "it's her job!" and feel like I am not allowed to say it. I might be wrong of course. But let's establish that it's ok to say "sweetie, are you sure it is a good idea to do x, y, z which really don't seem to be working for you?"

• confidentiality. If anyone mistakenly says anything "outing", don't take advantage of it, and alert the poster to it discreetly

Any thoughts / notes / additions?

x-posted with Kingbeat. Hi Kingbeat, glad things are going well for you.

On that note - how does everyone else feel about sticking strictly to the "for those attempting total abstinence" principle?

Sounds ok to me! We just want to support and help each other. The rest is neither here nor there as far as I can see. I just wanted to be upfront about my experiences with AA. I really do want total abstinence, and I also want to know if I bugger up I can come here, cry and get back on top of it. Really hope I dolt have to though.

Loveday, that sounds interesting about your name - what is the history? I love things like that

And Weegiemum - I love the word "thrawn". That is great. Is it an adjective - "you were always thrawn" - or "a thrawn"? Love it. Identify with it, sadly.

Glad you are looking forward to the wedding and it will be a happy day for you. I think for me, in situations like this, it is important to understand that moments of rabid panic about not having a glass of booze in my hand will happen, perhaps at unexpected times, but will go away again, and you can be surprised at how fast.
In the past I have always "answered the call" so quickly that I have never discovered that it can just fade away and you can find you are actually having a good time (assuming you would ever have had a good time anyway)

It is different from those awful occasions where you think you need to drink to get through it

hi kotinka!

Thrawn is an adjective - "she was always thrawn", "he's a real thrawn bugger" etc!

It very much describes me!

And I've x-posted with everyone!

All that writing took a lot. I don't think I've written it down before.

As I said I'm aiming at 1 drink per week but that's down from only on the day of my evening off (Monday and Friday night for me) as I was at the beginning of the year. Total abstinence seems like a mile off, so I'll back off from posting though will lurk to see how you all do it!

I went off and had a good old think once I'd posted and I think that before I'd pressed post hadn't thought of the whole vibe of the thread properly.

So, last bit to say before I just lurk. I too had an awful experience with AA I don't agree with the main principle of believing in a power greater than myself, so I pretty much fail there. All the drugs and alcohol workers I have worked with have said one day at a time. In my head that's been an excuse to drink as I can start again tomorrow. If you have a major problem with alcohol there is no one day, is there?

Mildred, I like your summary of how it should be.

I've tried moderate/controlled drinking. It doesn't work for me.

kingbeat, for me one drink a week is much harder than none. I feel like allowing the possibility of a drink is like inviting a whining toddler into my head who just bleats and hectors constantly. For me cutting to 0 drinks a week is like packing that toddler off to bed and having some blessed peace and quiet.
Of course they always wake up again - but having a zero tolerance approach to bedtime works for me!

And my thoughts on "one day at a time": you said "In my head that's been an excuse to drink as I can start again tomorrow. If you have a major problem with alcohol there is no one day, is there?" I see where you are coming from with this. But cutting down from the big picture, and focusing on the present moment (not even day, but minute, sometimes) really helps me.
When I was on about day 3, or 5, or 10 of my current period of sobriety, I started worrying about the family events that I have coming up in November. I told myself (the whining toddler said) "well you'll be pissed again half an hour after you see your parents so you might as well have one or two now." The adult sober me replied "I am not worrying about November now. I want to be sober and so I will not have a drink."

Of course soon it will be November and I will have to deal with it somehow. But it won't help me, in the awful moments, to think "this is terrible and it is going to be terrible every time we have a family party". Instead I will try to think "don't think this second, and hold tight". It is funny how if you get through it, sometimes the desire can just drop off like kicking off some tight shoes - you can just get sudden relief from needing a drink by getting through something or other and coming out the other side. The thing is not to bargain about when / where the other side is, just focus on the getting through this minute - like having a baby.

kingpin I don't want to kick anyone off or consign anyone to lurking but I am a bit nervous of hearing reports of your weekly drink. not sure what the solution is because... in the nicest possible way.... Brave Babes does not work for me because of all the litanies of "just a couple of glasses" and "didn't even open the second bottle" etc etc etc

Love "kick it"!

My understanding of one day at a time is that I just don't drink today and I don't morbidly reflect on the past or project anxiously about the future. I deal with each day on its own merits. I've just not had a drink today for a fairly good run of days now.

And rather than thinking I'll stop tomorrow (tomorrow never comes and all that) I just treat it like all I need to do is not pick up today and ill deal with tomorrow when it happens. By which time it's today - and I just don't drink today.

Don't worry about kicking me off. You haven't. I just don't want to trigger people with recounts of drinking and as it said in the OP, this thread is for sobriety not sustaining a level of ok-ness with drinking (just as an aside, one drink a week = a bottle of wine, not a glass or 1 pint. Not trying to brag, just trying to show where I am, not where I have to be with this thread)

I will look on and listen to all your wisdoms as it seems you're all a little further on in your journey than I am. I'm quite proud of myself for how far I have got, terrified I won't get any further and aim to be sober and more importantly, happy about it.

yep - and this connects to Mindfulness notions, like, in a very real sense all we have is the current moment

x-posted with kingbeat. very very best of luck x

I think your suggested rules are good as well Mildred, and make clear the distinction between this and the brave babes thread which I find quite frustrating tbh.

Hello

I have lurked on Brave Babes for years, and posted occasionally, but I also find the acceptance and inevitability of lapsing difficult to take.

I've been sober nearly six years. I did it on my own for the first five months, then went to AA. I find the fellowship incredibly supportive and don't think I'd have managed without it, but I totally respect anyone who's gone down other routes.

This is the only thing I've stuck to for any length of time, in my whole life .

I'm glad to see this thread here.