is anyone interested in an alchohol-free / addiction thread?

[youretoastmildred]

My name is youretoastmildred, and I am an alcoholic.

I am 42 days alcohol free.
have been a problem drinker for a long time and have often convinced myself that moderate drinking will be fine. It never stays moderate.
In this 42 days there have been certain key people that I have not had to see. I have 2 events coming up with them that will be massive triggers and I am looking for support (and very very willing to offer what support I can to anyone else)

I have lurked on Brave Babes and it seems to be a thread of successfully moderate drinkers, and alcoholics who can't / don't actually stop. (The poster who started those threads by stopping completely isn't there: I also remember some 12 step nondrinkers from the early days who don't seem to be there any more. There are a lot of posts by people enumerating what they are having or will have and whether or not this is ok but I don't see much actual NOT DRINKING EVER which is what I need to do)

By contrast, the AA meeting that I attend, while it will always have a couple of people back after a relapse, is mostly packed with people with months and years sober.

Is anyone interested in an actual not-drinking or beating other addictions thread? I am NOT saying I am not interested in talking to those who relapse. I am saying that I DO want to talk to people who aim to stop drinking.

any takers?

Kotinka thank you for your post. You made me think - I said I have tried "everything" for my anxiety but of course I have never tried giving up alcohol for more than a few weeks except when pregnant.

When I did give up for about 4 months (I remember making it to 100 days but not much further) one thing I did ways write a gratitude list of 10 things every morning. Also praying the 3rd step (?) prayer seemed to help.

I had pretty severe anxiety and panic attacks years ago which cbt did eventually sort out on the whole. I had a list of triggers as long as my arm. I do find with drinking my health anxiety comes back full-force the next day, that and my fear of choking on food (yes it's strange). Solution - drink some more to get rid of the anxiety, a never-end vicious circle.

Unbelievable. For the past three winters (since I started working here), the heater in my office has tripped out all the time - I had forgotten this to be honest., but now, I am reminded of it as I suit here in a freezing cold office. Apparently it will be 'looked at' on December 16th. I ma going across to another office every ten minutes to try and turn it on again, only for it to trip again. I actually want to cry.

You really aren't having much luck with your heating sippie

I'm in. Had months of ditching my poison a few years ago, but habit crept back up until just a couple of weeks before op started this thread, when I resolved to STOP forever (again...) i stopped intil last night.

I am an alcoholic. Also middle aged and most respectable, I'll have you know, but nothing much respectable about me this morning. No particular trigger just a 'fuck it' moment. Daughter deserves better.

I totally cannot control or limit. Today I resolve, again, sadly to stop, moment by moment. I haven't got the energy to keep on hating myself as much as I do.

welcome Algee. You feel like we all pretty much do by the sounds of it . Fuck It is how I would describe my moment 2 weeks ago.

Thank you. Timing of op seemed 'meant' and I'd decided to watch and read but not post, seemed ok somehow. But now, with some trepidation, I've decided it's probably best to say it out loud... It's that which helped me before I think, but makes me feel rather vulnerable.

Welcome Algee. I am also middle aged and have a drink problem. Somehow I just can't associate myself with the term alcoholic but it's all the same really. I cannot control my drinking.

Am also a mother of young children and they deserve better.

I have decided to stop drinking because the guilt and shame is too much. I am exhausted with the effort of trying to hold my life together and maintain my drink habit.
Do you have a time of day when triggers or cravings are worse? My time tends to be between 6 and 8pm when I'm desperate for that relaxing buzz.
Am only a few days in to my new sober life (hoping badly to succeed this time) and am still having wobbles, doubts, panics about the rest if my life dry.
Welcome to every one else who has joined today. Have a sore mouth from a massive filling this morning so feeling delicate and rather hungry. Not allowed to eat anything yet.

This would normally be an ideal excuse to have a "small" wine for medicinal purposes...obviously.

Welcome to the club Algee. Yes it feels like a big step admitting to anyone else you have a problem, even if it is online.

Sippie I was thinking about Christmas day yesterday too. Was thinking what on earth will I do not drinking? Then I had had a realisation that tbh I don't really enjoy the day properly when I'm drinking. The morning is lovely with the kids opening their presents but I can't say I've ever enjoyed the meal because I'm too tired and too full of booze to eat properly. I think the reason I like drinking on Christmas Day is because it's really the only day of the year I can legitimately get up in the morning and start boozing and no-one turns a blind eye as they do the same.

This reminds me once again why I couldn't do ODAAT, all that choice! I remember when wine o'clock came round (earlier and earlier by the end), the craving would come but I'd think about the day that preceded it and how awful to ruin my hard work. The days became weeks, months turned into years and I wanted to hold on to my clean slate! It's the first 3 months that are the toughest I think, breaking all the old associations, glass of wine whilst cooking, beer with a movie, champagne on special occasions.

The real truth was that the warm fuzzy memory of me stirring a pot of simmering soup whilst sipping a glass of white was rubbish. I'd have drunk most of a bottle whilst chopping the onions, possibly preceded by a large vodka to get to where I wanted to be faster. Honestly, by the time the meal was cooked I couldn’t have given a shit if I never ate again.

Then I'd have the horrors the next day, my guilt at leaving, yet again, DDs bed and bathtime to DP, the huge rows over god only knows what - I could never remember, you see, absolutely no idea often. I remember the burning shame though as I'd try to guess what we might have argued about.

And then the best bit about drinking at home...facing, with a raging headache...the debris of bottles and how to get them out of the house before anyone noticed them stacking up.

So, again, the film and playing it through to the end works for me.

There is the theory that although we've stopped drinking our addiction/disease is still there and growing alongside our sobriety. They say that this is why when people start drinking again, after a sustained period of abstinence, they are so much worse, the addiction has grown even whilst they were sober and thus more difficult to give up again. I can't afford to take that chance and for what? A memory that isn't even real.

There was a thread on here a while back, the Serenity thread I think it was called, for people who had a good period of sobriety. I think if we all keep on as we are we could evolve into it! (obviously still offering support to those struggling – that’s the key to staying sober ourselves).
All best,
GE

Hi all again, Loveday here. I was up thread near the start and struggling badly with getting past 4 days which I haven't managed in living memory...I haven't been reading the thread too much as I was finding talking/posting/thinking about it all the time was getting pretty claustrophobic.

I'm here on day4 and feeling pretty good. I'm wishing to re-post the stuff that I have c&P and kept beside me. It's very specific to me, but others may appreciate the reminders:

"Ridiculously, I even hid my huge amount of empties from the recycling men by throwing the majority of them in the main bin. One wine bottle in one bag at a time so they didn't clink. Going to the bottle bank or putting the empties under the sink to wait for a holiday period/bank holiday to come along so it looked like I'd been having a party when they cleared it out, as a lot of peoples would be like that. What if the recycling men thought bad of me/ neighbours heard all the clinking of bottles or clanking of tins when it was being emptied. Do normal drinkers put that much thought into their recycling seriously??"

"Or for me - right I've been the local shop and the off-licence already this week, now I'm going to have to go to the further away supermarket. Have to balance out where I'm buying the booze from so I don't frequent one place too much and people who work there don't clock on."

" I hate this, this 'missing thing' -drink is missing, drink would be my friend for a while, drink would have me happily anticipating it, drink would be waiting for me with a big smile. But. Drink would also have me in its clutches by around 9 O clock and I would start to panic that there was enough in the house, would be wondering if I could get away with driving to the garage to get more, decide I could...Drink would be making me want to argue with people on facebook and make a fool of myself. And. Tomorrow morning drink would stop me from living a day like I've had today."

That last one says so much to me about the stupid grip I allow booze to have on me. Yes there are 4 'booze shops' within 7 min walk from here. But they will always be there. It doesn't mean I have to walk into them. Someone also posted about the wine section as "Death Alley". Yes that's the way I am seeing it now.

Just checking myself in. My very dear SM is haveing a radical mastectomy/reconstruction/lymph node removal today and so far it's going fine.

And I'm sober.

What's the greater miracle here?

Today I've also thrown out all the big plastic cups I use to drink. Dd1 bought me a fun "pint" coffee cup at the weekend, she knows it love coffee.

It won't be a drink cup.

I don't have to tell her, but I promise her here.

Sorry I meant the 'quotes' are from other posters, and they felt specific to me as well, and hope others appreciate them too.

OOh, v chuffed you've c and p'd something I wrote Loveday
Weegie - so pleased your SM operation going well, and you're dealing with it sober x

Yes, yours was the last one, wasn't it? It was like you eloquently reproduced the horrid things I knew but did nothing effective about. So thank you very very much.

That's ok Just got to remember them myself!

Day 4 for me today and another tough evening as DH is out (again grumble).

So I am trying to come up with a plan.

1. Get home without buying

alcohol - most important! I will be thinking of you all while walking through the station and past all the shops. And will post when I get home.

1. Have something sweet and fizzy and nonalcoholic available to drink

1. Eat as soon as possible

1. Change into pyjamas so I'm not tempted to go back out.

1. Come on here, and post on my online aa group if tempted

1. Curl up with children all cosy, continue Harry potter.

1. Go to bed early again.

:) anyone got other strategies that they use?

Thanks loveday as I was feeling a bit weak earlier and now I've to go to tescos for an eye test. Had the little tempting voice in my head saying 'you've done so well, one bottle can't hurt. you're not that bad' ... BUT you cped the first two from me and it's made me totally rethink. Why can't I remember these things when necessary??? Sippies really resonates with me also.

I'm going to have to get a notebook and start writing down all the stupid and destructive things I've done, how I've tried to hide it and the way it made me feel. Might steal a few gems from other posts too Weak moments I'm starting to get nostalgic and romanticise it in my head.

You're very very welcome Eggs. Eye test and out! Like I said for me, those shops will always be there. And those "Death Alleys" too. It's an invitation to visit we don't have to accept today.

Can't wait to wake up tomorrow morning in a new state.

Am going out with dd in a bit. If you finish up this threaddy this evening, do a linky please?

Hello all

Can I join? I've tried moderation and it isn't working. I'm sitting here with a hangover and a gash on my knee from tripping over in the street last night.

I can't do AA (been there, wasn't happy with it) but I really need some support. My DH has alcohol issues too and I'm finding it really hard.

Am struggling a bit too. It's my danger time and OH is working late so it's just me and the boys.
Going to cook dinner then get the pjs on.
Welcome sunshine!

Brokeneggshells, I am not sure I can hardly cope with the memories of all the times I've made a complete arse of myself never mind write them down!
I'd be worried about OH reading it.

The day time and secret drinking shames me the most. He doesn't know the half of it.

Sorry for being so inarticulate. On phone. Kids being loud and boisterous as ever.

Sigh.

Hi to all those I've connected with before. It's feels really good to be back to something so positive. I can't say too much on here for fear of outing myself - going through legal crap with ex- but if I could please request my sobriety date be added as well? 02 June 2013. By the way, I've had a love/hate relationship with AA since the beginning.

I've met some really sick individuals in AA, and some meetings are just not for me but I've found that complacency & isolation were definite triggers to my recent relapse. When the bottom fell out of my world, I realised I actually didn't have anything to fall back on. My ex partner (also a long term dry AA member) & I had become codependent I think.

I'm just trying to unpick the last 8 years to see where I have gone wrong. I hope you all don't mind me joining in. My head has been all over the place of later so it's really lovely to come on & get honest identification.